SAHM - does that mean I have to do pretty much everything?

[squishmittens]

I am a SAHM - we have a 4 year old in reception and a 2 year old at home full time. DH works from home full time. His regular chores are:

Putting out the wheelie bins (not taking the rubbish from inside bin to outside, just putting the wheelie bins on the curb once a week).

Walking and feeding the dog twice a day (he likes this - I'm basically not allowed to walk the dog as this is his time for fresh air).

Mowing the lawn

Any adhoc diy job/repair as absolutely necessary (e.g. fixing broken oven, washing machine, so stuff we can't live without - maintenance work that can wait is never done).

Puts one child to bed (we each take one child and swap each night)

He very occasionally loads/unloads the dishwasher and hoovers the lounge - maybe once or twice a month.

I do literally every other home and child related activity. I'm fed up of all of it. I think my DH should do more, he obviously doesn't and now I feel like a maid. I'm thinking of going back to work and paying for nursery/cleaner/after school clubs etc. otherwise I feel like I'm going to lose it. AIBU?

it was a privilege and a source of pure joy

If this is true of parenting, then the SAHP needs to share it around. They shouldn't hog it all, but should allow the working parent to do 50% at least on evenings and weekends so they can share in the privilege and pure joy.

How many days at home did you have with your DD if you were in a demanding full time job? Is it not likely you saw those days as easy because they were a novelty, a break from the grind?

I worked a split shift so we had a nanny from 9-1 each day, I was then with dd from 1-7pm every day, and DH took over from 7pm while I went back to work. So I had a good chunk of time with her every day, plus of course all weekends and holidays.

So not a novelty at all, but I did get time away. Perhaps that made it less of a chore, but if that's the case, it would surely be better for the OP to have some time away at work so that it doesn't feel like such hard work?

DarkMatter - absolutely agree with you!

You are not unreasonable.

To make your point, I think perhaps the most effective thing you can do is say that you too need fresh air and time to yourself, and so at 6pm on the dot and without warning go out with the dog for an hour and leave him with the kids. He can do what you would usually do in that time. He will probably be very grouchy but headspace is worth fighting for. It is much more relaxing to walk the dog than to walk two children. Or maybe nip out with the dog in the morning just as he is getting out of bed. He can sort out the kids breakfast while he gets his own.

I have heard of so many women who carry soooo much of the weight of domestic life. I do more than my DH but I keep chipping away at him about it — the ‘I’m the breadwinner mentality is hard to change’. Full time parenting is relentless — you would never get a break if you didn’t dig your heels in as the work never stops. You have to engineer times to hand it over. It cannot be compared to a 9-5 job where you relax in the evening and sleep at night. I know so many women in lockdown who got up before 6 with the kids, spent the day supervising online learning, providing food, entertainment, exercise, tidying etc then put the kids to bed at 8pm then started their own paid work/housework for 4 hrs and got to bed after midnight, got up to the kids in the night and began again at 5.45.... All while the man who ‘works’, wakes at 8.30, makes himself a coffee and begins work at 9, then spends the evening relaxing and the night sleeping.

I’m not surprised you feel like a second class citizen, sleep, food and exercise are not ‘self care’ luxuries, they are essential for our wellbeing. You should have equal claim to lie ins, time to exercise and headspace as DH. Good luck making your point. I hope he is kind and listens.

If this is true of parenting, then the SAHP needs to share it around. They shouldn't hog it all, but should allow the working parent to do 50% at least on evenings and weekends so they can share in the privilege and pure joy.

Well, I agree. The WOHP should absolutely spend time doing stuff with the dc when not in work. I don't subscribe at all to the idea that childcare (outside working hours) should be the sole responsibility of the SAHP. The children need to build strong relationships with both parents. However, I think the SAHP should take on the domestic burden in order to facilitate this.

Didn't quite get it. Why is the SAHP "on shift" in the evenings and weekends? Does housework take more than 40 hours a week?
Evenings and weekends can be downtime for everyone
Exactly. Why? OP is up hours before her DH, plus during the night with kids, still left to do everything at the weekend while he farts about relaxing. If he did his share then both would have time to relax a bit plus maybe even depend some actual quality time as a family.
If she’s not really working or doing anything all that tiring when she’s looking after the kids and doing all the house work, why doesn’t he want to share in the unmitigated joy of it all?

Well if you have a model if one parent working (and being solely responsible for financing the family) and the other parent looking after the kids and home, then yes, you should be doing everything.

It’s the reason why I went bank to work straight away so we are both jointly responsible for bringing in the cash, looking after the kids, and house duties.

You can’t have your cake and eat it too.

Exactly. Why? OP is up hours before her DH, plus during the night with kids, still left to do everything at the weekend while he farts about relaxing. If he did his share then both would have time to relax a bit plus maybe even depend some actual quality time as a family.
If she’s not really working or doing anything all that tiring when she’s looking after the kids and doing all the house work, why doesn’t he want to share in the unmitigated joy of it all?
It was a genuine question, I don't quite get the sarcasm. I am a single parent with 100% residence since my second child was born (roughly same age gap as the OP), always have been in full time work too, except during a couple of episodes in the last year. So I am not unfamiliar with the concept of doing it all single-handedly.
Housework does not take an equivalent of 40 hours working week. I am sorry, but it simply doesn't. There should be no need to run around after hours / on the weekend at all, for anyone.

Well if you have a model if one parent working (and being solely responsible for financing the family) and the other parent looking after the kids and home, then yes, you should be doing everything.

Only while the working parent is at work. That is the SAHP's "job" during the working parent's working hours. When they are both home, there is no SAHP but only two parents who are at home (and should therefore share the burden).

The balance is completely out here. Like someone said upthread, why should he get to lie in everyday when you are up during the night? That just doesn’t make sense.

I mean the SAH issue is a moot point because he does the bare minimum at weekends also.

I’m the SAHP in my relationship and I do it all Monday to Friday because my partner’s hours mean they are out of the home for 12 hours + a day but they do the bulk of it at the weekend. They do the cooking, the cleaning, the washing, hoovering, take the lead with the DC and are up both Sat and Sun with them so I can get a rest.

He needs to step up and start treating you like an equal. Insist at the weekends he gives you a lie in, does the cooking etc. You are going to completely burn out otherwise.

There's no one size fits all but a general 'rule' if you want to call it that is both having the same amount of downtime/not on duty. One person putting in an 8 hour day then clocking off doesn't work. If he walks the dog for an hour in the weekend, you go out for a hour walk/run yourself afterwards. He gets a full night's sleep during the week, you get lie in/him up at night at the weekend.

You can’t have your cake and eat it too

Lol. Read the OP’s posts. They are up during the night with the DC. They get zero lie ins. The DH lies in until 8.
Her DH does the bare minimum, even at the weekend.

OK, you are a stay at home mother,not housekeeper! If you were to employ a nanny or childminder would you and your DH be happy for them to be doing housework while looking after the DC? I don't think so. Your 'job' is rearing the DC, everything else is 50 /50. He needs to step up and you need to step back. You're not his mother too.

There should be no need to run around after hours / on the weekend at all, for anyone
OP must just be inventing work for herself to be awkward then 🤷‍♀️
Or maybe she’s not spending 40 hours doing housework, she’s trying to actually have some input into her children?
You’d not be impressed if you sent your child to nursery only the staff were too busy folding washing, polishing floors and sorting online banking and so on to play with them, take them out, make them nutritious meals etc I’m sure?

I think SAHPs should do most of the childcare and household chores. It's a real drag. Get a job and split them.

@Youseethethingis

There should be no need to run around after hours / on the weekend at all, for anyone OP must just be inventing work for herself to be awkward then 🤷‍♀️ Or maybe she’s not spending 40 hours doing housework, she’s trying to actually have some input into her children? You’d not be impressed if you sent your child to nursery only the staff were too busy folding washing, polishing floors and sorting online banking and so on to play with them, take them out, make them nutritious meals etc I’m sure?

I think the majority of people are able to combine folding laundry for an average-sized family and looking after a child. Yes, not ideal, but not an unmanageable disaster that should leave the person doing it permanently shattered either. But the explanation also could be simply that my standards are quite low, because I don't even remember when I polished the floor last time. I mean, it is not even on the list.

I was back at work after 12 weeks. My brain was turning into toothpaste.

I am a SAHM to a 4 year old and a nearly 2 year old and my DH works full time from home. Both kids at home full time (March birthday in Scotland means 4yo won’t start nursery until Aug this year). We do as PP suggested - during the day I obviously do 100% of childcare, and whatever jobs need done / can be done during that time (for example usually a load of laundry, tidy kitchen after breakfast and lunch, maybe a bit of a hoover, of course endless tidying up of toys!). Once DH is finished work we do everything else 50/50, childcare, making tea, tidying kitchen, bedtime etc. Same on weekends. Sometimes he’ll entertain kids while I do a proper clean as you don’t often get much chance during the week. We do have things that are more ‘his jobs’ (bin, DIY) and things that are more ‘my jobs’ (probably all things that would be considered ‘wife work’ on MN) but in terms of workload I do feel it’s even, so there’s no resentment. The only thing that’s ‘uneven’ is that I deal with any and all night wakings and have done since the beginning but that was just an agreement we came to seeing as he had to be more ‘on’ during the day (it doesn’t matter so much if I look like I’m dying). The kids wouldn’t settle for him now anyway - I put them both to bed every night (they share a room) and it’s just the way it is for us. DH does so much for us all in other ways.
I think it would be a shame for you to go back to work if you enjoy spending time with the kids purely to ‘even things up’ with your husband. I would try having a really honest conversation with him about how you’re feeling and see if you can reach some sort of better balance. It won’t happen overnight as old habits die hard but surely worth a try. But obviously if you are not enjoying being at home anyway it’s a different story!

I think the majority of people are able to combine folding laundry for an average-sized family and looking after a child. Yes, not ideal, but not an unmanageable disaster that should leave the person doing it permanently shattered either.

Conversely, the majority of people (including most working mums) are able to combine folding laundry for an average-sized family and working. Also not an unmanageable disaster that should leave the person doing it permanently shattered.

The truth is that no one really likes folding laundry. Hence why it should be shared. It's a shitty job and parents should share the shitty stuff.

In my 9 years as SAHM I fully expected to do the lion's share of household chores from 8 - 6.

While H was at work I did all that the children required, housework in between and prepared the evening meal.

Once he was at home it then became and even field... of course it never quite played out that way because he could "never hear them" at night etc.

However, turns would be had for lie ins etc. Saturday him. Sunday me. etc

I think the majority of people are able to combine folding laundry for an average-sized family and looking after a child
Looking after a child is not the same as actually engaging with them. Dealing with the ongoing work that looking after a child generates (the prepping and clearing up after meals, peeling food off the walls in the case of my son when he was first weaning ) is not the same as doing all the general house work that needs done. The first is the SAHPs remit, the second is not IMHO.

What really needs to happen is that your children grow up seeing an equal, fair and shared balance between their parents. How on Earth are our girls meant to really believe they can achieve anything and that they their world is their oyster if they just see Mum running around ragged, and clearly not massively happy at the share of domestic chores. How do our boys grow up to respect the women in their life and understand equality, if they don’t see it under their own noses at home.

Yes i do everything.

if your hubby works say monday to friday, then you should be doing everything monday to friday while he works, except evenings meals, bedtime etc
house should be "done", shopping etc.

weekends are split entirely, say sat you sleep in, sunday he does etc

that to me how a SAHP works

@DarkMatterA2Z

I think the majority of people are able to combine folding laundry for an average-sized family and looking after a child. Yes, not ideal, but not an unmanageable disaster that should leave the person doing it permanently shattered either.

Conversely, the majority of people (including most working mums) are able to combine folding laundry for an average-sized family and working. Also not an unmanageable disaster that should leave the person doing it permanently shattered.

The truth is that no one really likes folding laundry. Hence why it should be shared. It's a shitty job and parents should share the shitty stuff.

Yes, with one important moment - earning money for the family is also often a "shitty job", but the SAHP does not share that. For me, it is just fair that laundry then ends up as their responsibility.