AIBU to forget to change the duvet?

[MimiPigeon]

Can someone please tell me who is BU here? I simply don’t know any more.

DH went away on Wed night for work. My DM (bubble) had a pizza and movies sleepover with me and DC. There are 2 bedrooms so DM slept in the double bed and I slept with DC so she wouldn’t be disturbed. The next day I did all the laundry and cleaned so the house would be nice for the bank holiday weekend. I forgot to change the bedding.

DH came home last night and took his suitcase upstairs. I was in the bathroom washing DC after a poo incident. Then we went upstairs to say hello.

DH didn’t even greet us or kiss us. Instead he started yelling because I hadn’t changed the duvet that my DM had slept on. He was screaming this is the same duvet that was on the bed when I left! Am I supposed to change the duvet at this time of night? We don’t have a clean one because the spare duvet got a hole and was thrown out, so that means I’ll have to strip the bed and sleep with no sheets!

I know I forgot to change the bedding but I just think his behaviour was unacceptable. I went in DCs room and locked the door and I’ve stayed in here all night.

UrAWizHarry

It IS disgusting,

It is not acceptable to shout at someone,

and if you had bothered reading my posts, the normal reaction would have been to sigh and change the beddings yourself. I never said it was a big deal to forget something and acceptable to make a drama about it.

I am still allowed to laugh at all the posters falling over themselves to explain how they are happy to sleep in dirty beddings, how having basic hygiene is being so "MN" and all the other nonsense. The competitive griminess on this forum never disappoints .

@GladysTheGroovyMule

Why do people give an actual fuck that the OP forgot to change the bedding? She didn’t not care she just forgot. Like people do. I have a terrible habit of stripping the bed and forgetting to put the new bedding on until 11pm when it’s bed time. My partner has not once screamed at me about it. We put the bedding on together while chatting.

This man screamed at his partner in front of their small child and scared them to the point the OP locked herself and the child in a room that night. Stop shaming this woman by telling her that she’s disgusting or her husband is just tired.

This thread makes me wonder not only about the low standards of some people commenting but also about how they treat and speak to their partners.

This!

Can't believe people are having a go at the OP. I often strip the bed in the morning and forget until bed time. Like last weekend at 9 pm it was all the beds in the house to made 🤦‍♀️. People going on at the OP because she doesn't have a spare duvet set. They're readily available in supermarkets in case you didn't know OP 🙄🙄🙄🙄. FFS. Your husband should not have shouted at you. If he's so bothered he can could take the sheets off, wash them, tumble dry them and put them back on. Life's to short for ironing by the way!

@ElderMillennial so the husbands behaviour was because he was tired and on top of that he was kind of justified because what the OP did was dirty. would you scare your partner into locking themselves in a room over it would you?

I'm going to keep hammering the point home, because the OP needs to understand that THIS is the concerning part and it is in no way normal nor justified over a lack of clean duvet.

This thread is crazy.

OP out of interest, where did your husband sleep? Did he change and wash the sheets before he slept on them.

Trust your gut, no loving partner shouts this much over sheets. From things you have said this is not a one off bad day for him, this is him, picking at you for what you have not done.

You know him best, you could talk to him and try and work out why he blows up all the time and he agrees to work on it. Maybe counselling or if you are not happy, I think you should start looking at your options and talk to a solicitor.

Life is too short to be shouted at over bedding!

Ps. I only have one duvet cover...and we let the dog sleep in the bed. Not sure how I m still alive!

Abusive shitbag.

Not ideal with the duvet but presuming he isn’t disabled in some way and has lost the use of his limbs, he could have just stripped the bed and done a makeshift “make up” until the washer went on.

Sounds like a lunatic to me.

@ElderMillennial

He shouldn't have shouted but, as PP said, he may have been tired

You should have changed the bedding. If I had been our / away and DH had his mum or someone over and let her sleep in our bed I would expect him to have changed the bedding. If he wasn't going to do that he shouldn't let someone else sleep in our bed.

I think it's a bit dirty of you for it not to occur to you to change the bedding for your mum and then change it again after she left.

Once again, for the hard of reading, the OP knows she should have changed the bedlinen, but she forgot because she was distracted by the DC.

Anyway, OP, when you buy another set of bedlinen, get 2 or 3 identical sets. That way your unreasonable, shouty "D"H will never know if someone else has slept in them, as all your bedding will look the same.

NB: this will not work if they actually shit the bed or something. He'd notice that, I think.

I don’t change bedding after guests have slept in it and my direct family (mother, siblings) are happy to get into a bed that we/kids/other relatives have slept in.

😂😂

this thread should go in Classic.

I am amazed I have missed threads about nasty MIL who don't even offer clean bedsheets to the poster coming to visit 😂

@thebillyotea

UrAWizHarry

It IS disgusting,

It is not acceptable to shout at someone,

and if you had bothered reading my posts, the normal reaction would have been to sigh and change the beddings yourself. I never said it was a big deal to forget something and acceptable to make a drama about it.

I am still allowed to laugh at all the posters falling over themselves to explain how they are happy to sleep in dirty beddings, how having basic hygiene is being so "MN" and all the other nonsense. The competitive griminess on this forum never disappoints .

It's only disgusting in the weird little world some posters live in there they steam clean their sofas after anyone so dares as looks at it.

To most normal people sharing sheets with a member of your family is hardly the end of the world. I haven't said that I would do it by choice (so maybe you should take your own advice and read posts properly yourself, eh?), but to react in the way this guy did is indefensible.

@Sugarbelle

and those saying about just get another duvet set, please someone make it make sense how this is just OPs responsibility? or are you suggesting she should do it to avoid pissing him off again in the future? to make her own life easier?

raise the fucking bar people

I'm one of the people suggesting a second duvet cover. Quite simply because I couldn't guarantee (especially in winter) to be able to wash and dry a duvet cover between breakfast and bed time. It would lower my stress levels to have a back up plan for wet days following sheets needing washing - especially for the kids. Totally separate to the husband problem.

@MimiPigeon

Did he bother to comment positively on all the stuff you had done? No. That’s my point. I’d spent hours ironing and cleaning then he yelled at me because I hadn’t also washed the duvet. It’s always the case, I do 9 things and he ignores them and yells because I haven’t done a 10th thing.

Well this tells us everything you need to know, "it's always the case" that he finds fault with you and shouts at you for it, ignoring and not appreciating all the things you have done.

That's horrible.

@DancesWithDaffodils but the OP doesnt care as much as the husband, so he should sort it no? nothing to do with her stress levels, it's his that cannot cope so what's that got to do with her?

He shouldn't have shouted but, as PP said, he may have been tired

That makes it even weirder. If you are that tired it seriously doesn’t matter if it’s a bed of straw. Decades ago as med students we slept in little cupboard rooms in the hospital when on. Shifts went for 36hrs straight or more. Walking zombies. If there was a chance to grab an hours sleep you just went and crashed on a bed, which at that point may have had a few others also sleeping in it for an hour odd here and there. All people who hadn’t showered for a few days given the shifts were that long and an hours sleep was more valued than a shower. If you are truly that tired you won’t care if a skunk slept in the bed before you. At some point someone would change the sheets. Again, no one ever became ill. That doesn’t happen with used bedding, although I acknowledge this will never be accepted by Mumsnet.

People going on at the OP because she doesn't have a spare duvet set.

no one is having a go.
All joke aside, it just sound bonkers not to have spare, for your own convenience!

People get sick, people have bouts of temperature, and with kids a lot of "incidents" happen (ideally in your bed because sod law it's on your king size bedding and not their toddler or single size sheets).

Nothing to do with the yelling husband, it would make the OP's life easier to have a few spare, even if said husband was away for months and out of the picture.

God in heaven OP try to ignore the people who define themselves by their cleaning routine in the replies on here. Who clearly have so little to themselves that they need to feel superior over how often they change their bed covers (how utterly depressing that anyone thinks this is a mark of integrity....seriously get a hobby ...a real one ).

DP often comes home late after days away working and yes I usually wash and dry the bedding (because I know it helps relax him) but only if I have time. Once without thinking I apologised for not getting round to it and he looked at me incredulously and reminded me he was a grown adult who could do it himself if it mattered that much. Anything else would have had his boots on the doorstep.

People wittering on that he was tired....and she wasn't no? God alive if I ever get to the stage where I think clean bedsheets are more important that my relationship being respectful and decent I will bloody give up.

I echo a PP ...raise the bar people for what you want your life to be. I have sat beside many many end of life bedsides and I can guarantee you noone ever says "I am so glad I kept my house pristine ".

Most people in their later years wish they had spent more time playing with the children. More time having new experiences. Or like Helen Mirren (not that she is old or at the end of her life) telling more people to F^$k off.

OP I would draw a line in the sand for this ,not necessarily LTB but dammit would this be a change in entitlement in this house.

You can order cheap duvet covers on amazon get some spares

And buy couple of " no cover "duvets that you was whole thing

But agree with change dh not duvet
If he wanted it changed he can change it
His behaviour is out of order

But it s no big deal to use same duvet with family member
Or does he hate your dm is that tge issue
Whatever he is nasty
Think about your options

Shinyletsbebadguys

give us a break. It takes 2 minutes to change bedsheets and plonk the cover in the washing machine. Nothing beats the feeling of fresh laundry when you go to bed either.

We clearly all have more than enough time to waste as we are all on MN, so no need to feel all superior and smug about "quality of life" because posters like clean bedding. You could have changed your own bed by the time you wrote your entire post...

But it s no big deal to use same duvet with family member

That's clearly debatable.
Some of us have no interest in sharing duvets with their in-laws.

so if he had forgotten that you didnt have a spare set, why didnt he go and look for that himself instead of having such a tantrum

He is absolutely vile.
He shouldn't be shouting at you because he comes back from working away and finds the duvet cover hasn't been changed.
Things happen. Things get forgotten. But you'd cleaned everything else so it wasn't like the whole place was a shit tip.
He has completely overreacted about this and if he does this on a regular basis it might be time to think about leaving him.

I lived with someone like this for 5 years. He never saw what had been done. Just started yelling if one small thing wasn't to his liking. He didn't work away but he'd go drinking for hours after work and then come in shouting about something that I hadn't done. He didn't want a partner, just a slave.

It is never ok for someone to shout about something minor like this duvet cover incident. He can be a bit pissed off about it but that should never tip over into aggression like this.

Yes, you could (should) buy a spare set of bedding so you have something for emergencies - if one of the kids throws up in your bed for example, you'd want to change the bedding straight away and might not have time to wash and dry the one set you do have.
Yes, you should have changed the bedding after MIL had been sleeping in it but you forgot.

But no way on earth did you deserve that reaction from him. Even if you order new bedding and never forget to change bedding again, this fucker will find the next thing to scream at you about. Mine once screamed that I hadn't hoovered behind the washing machine.

This is not about an unwashed duvet. There's more behind this.
Do you want to live like this?

Hard to believe there are 10% of people ticking YABU. I know there are people who will see this as disgustingly unhygienic, but that's not the issue. It's normal to forget things sometimes, and it's also normal to be a bit annoyed because someone else forgot to do something that's important to you. The issue is how you behave when this happens. It's not reasonable to not even greet your family, but to yell at your partner instead like she's some kind of servant he's reprimanding. That's no way to treat anyone, but particularly his partner and in front of their child.

People saying buy more bedding ...well, yes, that would make it easier to do the laundry, but it wouldn't solve the problem of having a partner who thinks it's okay to yell about housework. The anger is the problem - tiptoeing around this by organising things so that you avoid upsetting him isn't the way to deal with it.

I would have just slept in the bed, I don't think it's a big deal but seems I'm a disgusting human being ha ha! It was only one night... As someone else said, unless she wiped her arse all over it, I think you'd be fine.

He owes you an apology and you need to buy some spare bedding online

@MimiPigeon

Is it a bit grim she slept on a bed you'd possibly had sex in We’ve had sex on the sofa and everyone sits on that. We’ve also had sex on the dining table.

Love this response OP! 😂

@WaterBottle123.

I think there is a huge difference between sleeping IN a bed that someone else has slept IN than sitting on a sofa fully dressed that someone has also sat on. We all have our own definition of grim

Nothing justifies that reaction. He needs anger management and you need a divorce.

But do pick up a spare duvet cover from the supermarket.