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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to forget to change the duvet?

327 replies

MimiPigeon · 02/04/2021 08:35

Can someone please tell me who is BU here? I simply don’t know any more.

DH went away on Wed night for work. My DM (bubble) had a pizza and movies sleepover with me and DC. There are 2 bedrooms so DM slept in the double bed and I slept with DC so she wouldn’t be disturbed. The next day I did all the laundry and cleaned so the house would be nice for the bank holiday weekend. I forgot to change the bedding.

DH came home last night and took his suitcase upstairs. I was in the bathroom washing DC after a poo incident. Then we went upstairs to say hello.

DH didn’t even greet us or kiss us. Instead he started yelling because I hadn’t changed the duvet that my DM had slept on. He was screaming this is the same duvet that was on the bed when I left! Am I supposed to change the duvet at this time of night? We don’t have a clean one because the spare duvet got a hole and was thrown out, so that means I’ll have to strip the bed and sleep with no sheets!

I know I forgot to change the bedding but I just think his behaviour was unacceptable. I went in DCs room and locked the door and I’ve stayed in here all night.

OP posts:
nettie434 · 02/04/2021 09:57

What's unreasonable is his reaction. It was an oversight not to change the duvet cover but not the end of the world. I once read that some people wouldn't change the duvet cover after one night or if it was a family member.

If you've only got one duvet cover, then your husband must have eagle eyes to notice it hadn't been washed after one night in which your mum slept in it. Sounds like he doesn't get on with her and didn't want her to have slept there.

Gilead · 02/04/2021 09:57

You know what, there are an awful lot of people who need to get a grip. Nobody is going to catch a deadly disease from using bedding that has been slept in by somebody else, ONCE! It’s easy to forget if you’re busy and in the scheme of things it doesn’t matter.
What is disgusting is the behaviour of OP’s husband. He needs to go.

Exhausted4ever · 02/04/2021 09:58

It goes without saying that he's gone over board in shouting at you like that. But in his shoes I'd be pretty pissed off too. It's grim. Mind so is your mother just leaving the bed unmade when she'd stayed over. And it's ridiculous not to have a spare set and the excuse you've given for that is lame, tons of shops are open that sell bedding, Inc the supermarkets, the range, b n m etc

gurglebelly · 02/04/2021 09:59

(And no I wasn't sleeping naked, my PJs had a vest top and I ended up with it all over my chest, above the neckline)

Sugarbelle · 02/04/2021 09:59

@thebillyotea what have I said to you that is unpleasant? I am just saying that I find the part where OP and her partner are hiding in a room because they are both that upset a lot more concerning then having debates in the comments over people hygiene standards.

yes it's a public forum, which means I am as entitled as you are to comment and tell you what I think, no? doesnt mean I'm being unpleasant

Bzzzzzbumblebee · 02/04/2021 09:59

@thinkingaboutLangCleg

I put clean bedding on for guests but I don't strip the bed when I've stayed somewhere.

I used to strip the bed until a friend begged me not to. Her teenagers were always bringing friends home late at night and they’d sleep in any available bed, didn’t give a damn about clean sheets. But she then had to wash the sheets. So she had taken to changing sheets before an invited guest arrived, not after.

Oh .... now I’m dreaming of visiting and having visitors again ...

I always asked guests to leave the sheets, I would then wash when it was right for me. Depending on timings this might be just before a guest arrives so they have fresh and clean sheets.

This is getting off topic. The Mum stayed over, the bed was at least partially stripped ready to go into the wash. The intention was to wash the sheets. The OP forgot. She made a simple mistake, which we all do!

Her husband comes home and then screams at her! This is not OK and never will be OK. (even if the not washing sheets was deliberate it still wouldn’t be ok),

I wonder if the title was AIBU I forgot to wash the sheets and then got yelled at, the OP would be getting more sympathetic responses.

CallmeHendricks · 02/04/2021 09:59

@ShutUpaYourFace: "You could have both done it together in minutes. It's called a partnership / teamwork."

Not in this case - the OP has said they have no spares and it would therefore mean washing and drying the whole lot.

I don't think my dh would even have noticed and if he had, certainly wouldn't have cared. At the most, there would have been a tut on this one.

But OP, you say this is "always the case" and that he ignores the 9 good things you've done and concentrate on the tenth that hasn't. THIS is your problem.

Easter Flowers for you, and I hope he has calmed down and apologised and pledged not to be such a drama queen in future.

Original poster
MimiPigeon · 02/04/2021 09:59

what were you expecting him to do, sleep in the bedding your mum had used?
I would have changed it, but again I FORGOT.

OP posts:
TheJerkStore · 02/04/2021 10:00

@thebillyotea

TheJerkStore

I am not assuming anything, I am just reading your posts Smile

Well you've told me I have no manners and that I'm rude based on one tiny bit of information.... I'd call that making assumptions.
Sugarbelle · 02/04/2021 10:00

and those saying about just get another duvet set, please someone make it make sense how this is just OPs responsibility? or are you suggesting she should do it to avoid pissing him off again in the future? to make her own life easier?

raise the fucking bar people

Sugarbelle · 02/04/2021 10:02

her child, not partner*

IntermittentParps · 02/04/2021 10:02

Does he often yell and scream about things like this?
He sounds like he might be abusive.

MysweetAudrina · 02/04/2021 10:02

If he was that bothered I'm sure you have a spare sheet he could have used and just flipped the duvet over for one night. It really shouldn't have been a big deal. Sure the thoughts of sleeping in a bed someone else has slept in mightn't be the nicest of thoughts but it actually won't really matter once you get over that and lie down on the bloody thing. I'm sure we have all at some stage of our life slept on a sofa or shared a bed that hadn't been just changed. Like if you slept over in a friend or new boyfriends house do you make them change the covers while you stand over them. Complete over reaction by him.

nimbuscloud · 02/04/2021 10:02

This is all mad stuff

UrAWizHarry · 02/04/2021 10:03

@thebillyotea It's not "vile" or "disgusting" and it's certainly not acceptable to shout at a person to the point they feel they have to lock themselves away over it.

Yes, the sheets should have been changed (and the op meant to, but just forgot) but at worst her mum slept on them for one night. That's all. Big fucking deal.

This kind of behaviour is why kids grow up scared of their parents and have shit relationships with them.

ShteakandShpuds · 02/04/2021 10:04

OP stop relying to the arseholes on here who have OCD tendencies regarding bedding and laundry. I often leave our bedding on for 2-4 weeks before washing, as it’s not a high priority for me to have clean bedding weekly.

You do not have to justify anything to a tiny bunch of extreme harridans on MN.

You know your DH’s behaviour was completely unacceptable and you now need to decide how to move forwards.

Personally, I’d be looking for a good divorce lawyer.

butterpuffed · 02/04/2021 10:04

What a lot of fuss over nothing important .

DH could have just turned the duvet and the pillows over for the night and put a bath towel on the sheet and slept on that . It's hardly an emergency Hmm

LakieLady · 02/04/2021 10:04

@MimiPigeon

technically it wouldn't kill anyone to share towels That reminds me, DM had a shower and the towel is probably still on the rack.
Omg, some MNers will be having conniptions at that.

The other bit of MN laundry lore is that towels must be boil washed with Zoflora after every use, or everyone will die of scrofula or something.

MistressoftheDarkSide · 02/04/2021 10:05

@MimiPigeon

I'm firmly on your side. And I recognise the whole doing 9 things and being berated for not doing a tenth sooo well.

When we were preparing for my MIL to come and stay with us when she started developing dementia but was resistent to any care unless it was from us and she lived on the IOW so we couldn't just pop round as we're on the mainland, we had a week to vacate our room, decamp into the spare, and because familiarity is important to dementia sufferers we had to decorate and replicate as far as possible her living space.

I took w week off work, but DP couldn't. I'm fine with decorating, so off I went, and on the day I finished and DP came back from work, he walked in and the first thing he did was lose the plot because despite my best efforts there was emulsion on the laminate flooring (cheap, easy to clean laminate flooring I hasten to add).

Now I know that this was a very stressful set of circumstances, but it wouldn't occur to me to just go mental over one detail if my DP had been making all the effort to help sort things out like that. It HURT, and yes, we had a row to remember.

It stays with you, when you become the target for a rage spree that is essentially nothing to do with you.

I hope you can resolve things but he needs to give his head a wobble especially given your DC being impacted - fortunately my DC are adults, so it was just me dealing with it. he really needs to learn how to communicate without coming across like a petty tyrant.

GladysTheGroovyMule · 02/04/2021 10:06

Why do people give an actual fuck that the OP forgot to change the bedding? She didn’t not care she just forgot. Like people do. I have a terrible habit of stripping the bed and forgetting to put the new bedding on until 11pm when it’s bed time. My partner has not once screamed at me about it. We put the bedding on together while chatting.

This man screamed at his partner in front of their small child and scared them to the point the OP locked herself and the child in a room that night. Stop shaming this woman by telling her that she’s disgusting or her husband is just tired.

This thread makes me wonder not only about the low standards of some people commenting but also about how they treat and speak to their partners.

ElderMillennial · 02/04/2021 10:07

He shouldn't have shouted but, as PP said, he may have been tired

You should have changed the bedding. If I had been our / away and DH had his mum or someone over and let her sleep in our bed I would expect him to have changed the bedding. If he wasn't going to do that he shouldn't let someone else sleep in our bed.

I think it's a bit dirty of you for it not to occur to you to change the bedding for your mum and then change it again after she left.

Alsohuman · 02/04/2021 10:08

@Gilead

You know what, there are an awful lot of people who need to get a grip. Nobody is going to catch a deadly disease from using bedding that has been slept in by somebody else, ONCE! It’s easy to forget if you’re busy and in the scheme of things it doesn’t matter. What is disgusting is the behaviour of OP’s husband. He needs to go.
This. I’m as keen on clean sheets as anyone but freaking out because one clean person spent one night in them is a complete over reaction. Anyone who thinks it’s grim or disgusting has led a very sheltered life.
Peanutbuttercupisyum · 02/04/2021 10:08

Woah! Your husband is horrible horrible horrible.
So he got home at 9pm.. erm so?? What’s all this with “he wanted to rest” and he was “exhausted”. Ffs unless he’s seriously ill, 9pm is really not late. My DH regularly gets home after 9 and still cooks us dinner and clears up the kitchen! And if I’ve been busy the sheets definitely aren’t always changed! If he’s bothered and not too tired then he does it, if he’s totally knackered then he’s too tired to care and just goes to bed. We have more important things on our minds than how pristinely clean our sheets are. Talk about 1st world problems!

HoppingPavlova · 02/04/2021 10:08

Yet again, it’s like another universe here.

I don’t change bedding after guests have slept in it and my direct family (mother, siblings) are happy to get into a bed that we/kids/other relatives have slept in. I would make sure it was fresh bedding for people that we were not directly related to but apart from that, nah. Newsflash - no one has ever died, become sick or didn’t want to stay due to a bedding issue. We happily sleep in guests bedding unless we don’t know them well/not directly related.

If this occurred at my house I would have been a) extremely perplexed as to what his problem was and b) pissed off by his unacceptable behaviour and would have thrown his packed bags out the front.

Gemma2019 · 02/04/2021 10:09

This thread is beyond weird. Yes of course it's nice to have clean sheets but I can honestly say that my DH wouldn't give a shit about the state of the bed, or even notice it wasn't made, as he would be too busy greeting our toddler after being away.

Kicking off about the bed is one thing but not kissing or greeting his wife and child as he's so angry about the bed is another level of bastard.