Page 7 | To want to punish him.

BonsaiiPochette · 2021-04-01T10:50:38+00:00

Hi, I hope everyone here is doing well and in good health. I will try and keep this as short as possible DS(16) has cheated on his girlfriend (I don’t know to what extent) I received a phone call from her mother yesterday, she asked me to keep my son away from her…. so I can only guess that is BAD She also said that she knows it’s not my fault, she doesn’t blame me and she is very disappointed with my son. I feel so embarrassed, we didn’t raise him to disrespect or mistreat girls, and she is such a LOVELY GIRL that is what makes the situation worst. I tried speaking to my son this morning… he was very rude, he has NEVER ever spoken to me like this before. When I asked him what happened, I was met with “I don’t want to discuss this with you, it’s really none of your concern.. I don’t ask you about your relations” There has also been a recent change in his behaviour… How can I resolve and get to the bottom of this?? To be honest with you, I have never been a strict parent… so I don’t really know how to deal with these kind of situations! Am I wrong for wanting to punish him? Thanks in advance

billy1966 · 01/04/2021 15:24

Where do you go from here?

You learn from it.

You know now that you should have asked him first in a very neutral way what was going on and that her mother had called???

I'm sure you have apologised for jumping the gun.

However tempting I wouldn't call the girls mother but I would take time to talk to your son about how he handled it, how he can handle something like this again, so that it doesn't stress him so much.

It sounds as if he is a very solid young man who rightly doesn't want to be controlled and wants to prioritise his friends.

You learn from it.
Two sides to every story.
Doesn't sound she was as lovely or as sweet as you thought.

That in itself is a lesson to you.

Wishing you the best.

Springsnake · 01/04/2021 15:26

If you put the leg work in when he was younger ,it will all come out ok in the wash
You can’t really go interfering at this point

KTheGrey · 01/04/2021 15:27

As a teacher I really wish more parents spoke to their sons about being disappointed in them when they behave badly in relationships - parents absolutely should clarify the importance of respect and empathy and good communication. Anything else encourages boys not to talk about their feelings and excuses meanness to other people. Toxic men don't sprout from nowhere; they come from people minimising and excusing their bad behaviour.

bloodywhitecat · 01/04/2021 15:29

Stay out of it, you have heard his side so just be there for him. What would you gain from contacting her mother? Parenting young adults is hard, all you can do in this situation is apologise for not hearing him out, be there for him and don't be drawn into discussions with her mum.

slashlover · 01/04/2021 15:32

@KTheGrey

As a teacher I really wish more parents spoke to their sons about being disappointed in them when they behave badly in relationships - parents absolutely should clarify the importance of respect and empathy and good communication. Anything else encourages boys not to talk about their feelings and excuses meanness to other people. Toxic men don't sprout from nowhere; they come from people minimising and excusing their bad behaviour.

Surely all children and not just sons? I've known some very toxic women too.

Jellycatspyjamas · 01/04/2021 15:32

Ah bless, you wouldn’t be the first person to jump the gun - and your own experience means it landed particularly hard with you. Give him a hug, apologise and let it rest. Don’t contact the girls mum, that’ll stir the pot even more. You know his side of things, I’d let it rest with that.

Coyoacan · 01/04/2021 15:35

Obviously the story has moved on, but if a young son of mine had cheated, I think would talk to him and work on his empathy.

Proudboomer · 01/04/2021 15:36

@KTheGrey

As a teacher I really wish more parents spoke to their sons about being disappointed in them when they behave badly in relationships - parents absolutely should clarify the importance of respect and empathy and good communication. Anything else encourages boys not to talk about their feelings and excuses meanness to other people. Toxic men don't sprout from nowhere; they come from people minimising and excusing their bad behaviour.

But he hasn’t behaved badly and his mum was wrong to take the other mothers word as truth before speaking to her son.

HowManyToes · 01/04/2021 15:38

Where do you go from here!

You apologise for jumping the gun and sticking your beak into HIS PRIVATE LIFE.

You need to stop projecting your issues onto your son.

Bluebells32 · 01/04/2021 15:39

It's a dilemma. I was just questioning what a parent should do in these circumstances. Unless you're there to witness what's happened it's hard to know. One side accuses the other of cheating/playing around. The other side denies it and gives a different picture entirely. Be neutral, never assume and then encourage them to talk. But if they don't want to, you'll have to leave it.

PhatPhanny · 01/04/2021 15:39

Your update sums up everything I wanted to say, you didn't know what had happened, but accused him, your own son.

I think you should support your son in breaking off a negative relationship, if you are friendly with the mum, I would have a conversation with her, maybe her daughter needs a bit of support too, but it sounds as though your son is taking the best route and cutting it off before it escalates.

Good luck to him, he sounds like a good lad.

Standrewsschool · 01/04/2021 15:41

Next steps, apologise for not hearing his side of the story. Say that you are there for him, and you support him. He’s actually dodged a bullet with this girl - she sounds controlling and needy.

I wouldn’t contact the mum - obviously her daughter has been feeding her lies.

Dervel · 01/04/2021 15:41

I suspect what happened OP is that you projected. Without knowing the details I’m assuming your son is at least peripherally away of his own father’s infidelity? Thus when you feared he’d cheated on his gf it’s like a tacit condoning of his own father’s past treatment of you. Which would have felt like a betrayal. This is the root of the rush to judgement and strong emotions on your part.

I’d reflect and disentangle your own feelings as best you can, as it is a bit of a red flag that your in-group preference to identify so strongly with the jilted girlfriend was sufficient to override the relationship you have with your own son.

That said it sounds like you’ve done a great job of raising an articulate mature young person. That he can talk about how things affect his mental health, he tried to balance the emotional needs of his gf next to his own, and the importance of maintaining his social circle is very wise of him indeed. Ultimately he worked out something had to give.

I would suggest apologising again, but assert it wasn’t his fault but your own past wounds surfacing.

notalwaysalondoner · 01/04/2021 15:42

I agree with others - the best 'punishment' at that age is the talk with sad face - 'I'm so disappointed in you, we raised you to be better than this, you should always finish a relationship before doing anything emotionally or physically with someone else' then leave it.

If you try and come up with a traditional punishment e.g. grounding; or go on and on about it beyond the above 'I'm so disappointed' serious conversation, it will just push him away from you and won't really help.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 01/04/2021 15:50

You might want to read OPs updates. Her DS denies having cheated, she made the same assumption you did... which is why he was rude and angry with her!

Theneverendingcleaningcycle · 01/04/2021 15:53

I voted yanbu because I'd feel the same disappointment. However I'm not sure realistically how you can punish him. I would make it clear that you do not condone the way he treated her.
The talking to you with disrespect and if his behaviour has changed in regards to the way he speaks to you, this is somthing you can address. I would tell him quite plainly that you will not put up with being treated badly in your own house.

Theneverendingcleaningcycle · 01/04/2021 15:54

Ahh. That's what I get for not reading updates.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 01/04/2021 15:54

I have started to use the See All feature quite a lot!!

MimiDaisy11 · 01/04/2021 15:56

When I say "where do I go from here".... I mean, do I contact her mother??

I think that's up to you. The mother is obviously just taking the daughter's side and believing what she says. I would find the call to the mother a little awkward as you're basically going to tell her that her daughter is lying and would she believe you? It was silly of the mother to contact you in the first place. I guess it depends on whether you ever see her or socialise in the same circles.

Sansaplans · 01/04/2021 15:59

@AnneFuckingKirrin

He doesn’t want you to be involved so stay out of It. I think it’s a bit strange that his ex girlfriends mum called you tbh. I would have been furious if my Mum did that.

Me too, makes my teeth cringe.

OP you admit you don't even know what happened, your DS is 16 FFS, why are you so involved?

Sansaplans · 01/04/2021 15:59

Also the mother said it wasn't your fault, no shit Sherlock.

Pyewackect · 01/04/2021 16:02

Yes, I would give him a lecture on how it is never acceptable to cheat on anybody , no matter how old or stupid they are - and I would definately tell him to leave the poor girl alone or else.

I bring my kids up do have some honesty and integrity about them. Being a dick-head isn't part of that. And if he wants to play the raw prawn then he can go toe-to-toe with his father. My husband is 6' 4 and built like a brick shit house so God help him on that one.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 01/04/2021 16:03

How can you be this overly involved in a 16 year old relationship!

“I don’t want to discuss this with you, it’s really none of your concern.. I don’t ask you about your relations”

"None of your concern", "relations"? I'm more shocked that a 16 year old uses phrases like that to be honest.

bloodywhitecat · 01/04/2021 16:04

@Pyewackect

Yes, I would give him a lecture on how it is never acceptable to cheat on anybody , no matter how old or stupid they are - and I would definately tell him to leave the poor girl alone or else.

I bring my kids up do have some honesty and integrity about them. Being a dick-head isn't part of that. And if he wants to play the raw prawn then he can go toe-to-toe with his father. My husband is 6' 4 and built like a brick shit house so God help him on that one.

Did you bother to read the OP's most recent updates?

Audreyhelp · 01/04/2021 16:04

Really nothing to do with you . He’s only sixteen think her mother was wrong to get involved too.