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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how I can find my friend?

168 replies

Knitterbabe · 31/03/2021 23:49

I was great pals with my friend Angela all through secondary school, but we lost touch after leaving school, bar a couple of letters, I haven’t heard from her since. No social media in those days!
I have tried searching on Facebook, but have no idea of her married name, so no luck.
We attended a convent school in Birmingham.
Any ideas of how I might attempt to find her?

OP posts:
AcornAutumn · 01/04/2021 11:55

*record

Mochudubh · 01/04/2021 11:56

[quote MoonCatcher]@ToffeenotCoffee Given your attitude to her declining further contact I can see why she didn't want to remain in contact.[/quote]
Quite!

@ToffeeNotCoffee
I did the self same thing to contact an old school friend. I sent a milestone birthday card to the only address I had for her.... I put my thinking cap on and Googled the names of hobby organisations she used to attend.........I Googled her name and got a steer on which County she had moved to..... I heard nothing back for my efforts.

That would have been the point at which to stop, but....

^I e-mailed the leader of the hobby group that had her name listed on Google asking to have my details forwarded to her, which was done.
The next year came around and I sent a card to her care of the listed address where the hobby takes place.^

At which point she quite rightly told you to back off and you have the cheek to call her names.

Whythesadface · 01/04/2021 12:01

If you search the area of Birmingham, you will find most have Facebook groups.
Most places do now,

Nocar · 01/04/2021 12:06

Haveringwavering. I didn’t say that you did, but another poster suggested it.

littlepattilou · 01/04/2021 12:16

@ToffeeNotCoffee

Why do people always have to assume the worst? It's just so horrible and cynical to react like this.

This. All this, 'I value my privacy for a reason' business. Means what, exactly ? We all value our privacy to a certain degree.

If you can remember her parents names, look them up on Free BMD. If you can ascertain when they died, you could request a copy of their death certificate/s because it is a public record. It will detail their address. Maybe if she dealt with the admin after they died it will have her name and address as the informant.

As a PP said, the bereavement might not be recent. Oh and asking around the wider circle of acquaintances is not creepy.

Here is my cautionary tale:

I did the self same thing to contact an old school friend. I sent a milestone birthday card to the only address I had for her. Turns out she's long gone from that address. I put my thinking cap on and Googled the names of hobby organisations she used to attend. People did remember her and did pass on my phone number. I Googled her name and got a steer on which County she had moved to. So, despite having no Social Media presence she's not that hard to find. I heard nothing back for my efforts. I e-mailed the leader of the hobby group that had her name listed on Google asking to have my details forwarded to her, which was done. I got no response.

The next year came around and I sent a card to her care of the listed address where the hobby takes place. I got a written reply from her basically telling me not to contact her again and, 'that's why I ignored you last year.' Also, don't go phoning round people you can find that know me asking after me again.

So I just thought, 'yeah alright, Princess Precious.' Whatever.

My point is, you might get a reminder of the ugly side of their personality for your efforts.

Basically, I know too much as far as she is concerned, I suspect. I'm not sure why she has a problem with that. I wasn't out to shame her or cause a problem.

Apart from the fact that she has probably reinvented herself and doesn't need anyone turning from the past. She isn't about to be answering any questions either.

Yeah alright, love. Up yours works both ways.

It's very easy to see why this old 'friend' of yours gave you the cold shoulder. You sound extremely unpleasant, and spiteful, and bitter.

Frankly, if I had been her I would have got a restraining order against you.

There are a few posters on here who don't like it much that other posters don't wish to stay in touch with everyone from their past, and don't care to be stalked and harassed, and tracked down by people who they haven't seen for 2 or 3 decades.

Why? WTF has it got to do with you, if other people decide they DON'T want to reconnect with someone from the past??? Who the fuck are YOU to judge them? If that's the way people feel, it's got fuck-all to do with anyone else.

The entitled-to attitude (you WILL talk to me, and you WILL be my friend again!) and the lack of emotional intelligence on this thread (from a few posters) is breathtaking. No wonder some people change their name so people can't track them down, and shut down every line of contact they can think of, to stop certain people finding them.

Frankly, a few people on here sound batshit.

GreenlandTheMovie · 01/04/2021 12:24

I'm saddened that a few posters think there is something terrible about trying to get back in touch with an old friend. I looked up and contacted 2 friends from years ago on Facebook who had moved to other countries, and have since visited each other on holiday! Its been great to get back in touch, and we are firm friends again now and will likely visit each other again.

A little bit of an attempt to get in touch with someone isn't going to hurt anyone. If they don't want to be contacted, they will just ignore.

I often wonder if this is a British thing. My Dutch and German friends make much more of an effort to keep in touch now that I've moved to another country than do my British friends when I've moved out of an area. In Dutch society, there is this thing of a "kring" which is a very close friendship group which stays close for life. Obviously people do lose touch but the ethos is that a friend is precious and something worth making an effort to keep all of your life.

littlepattilou · 01/04/2021 12:29

@GreenlandTheMovie

I'm saddened that a few posters think there is something terrible about trying to get back in touch with an old friend. I looked up and contacted 2 friends from years ago on Facebook who had moved to other countries, and have since visited each other on holiday! Its been great to get back in touch, and we are firm friends again now and will likely visit each other again.

A little bit of an attempt to get in touch with someone isn't going to hurt anyone. If they don't want to be contacted, they will just ignore.

I often wonder if this is a British thing. My Dutch and German friends make much more of an effort to keep in touch now that I've moved to another country than do my British friends when I've moved out of an area. In Dutch society, there is this thing of a "kring" which is a very close friendship group which stays close for life. Obviously people do lose touch but the ethos is that a friend is precious and something worth making an effort to keep all of your life.

All I am saying is that people are ENTITLED to not want to be contacted, without being slagged off, called 'precious' and accused of 'having something to hide...' Hmm

A few people on here are incensed at the thought of getting in touch with an old friend, and them closing the proverbial door in their face. With this attitude that the old friend who rejected them is some kind of 'fucking princess.' The attitude from 'toffeenotcoffee' was disgusting.

Yeah by all means, drop a message to an old friend or colleague from days gone by, if you fancy a catch-up, but don't act all butt hurt and spiteful and bitter, when they ignore you or block you. Some people love a good catch up with people from the past, many people don't. A lot of people are in the past, and not in peoples life anymore for a REASON.

NobodyKnowsTiddlyPom · 01/04/2021 12:30

There are posts from someone called Angela K on the Birmingham History pages - schools, colleges and universities section.

She went to St Agnes between 1966-1971. Could that be her?

Original poster
Knitterbabe · 01/04/2021 12:33

I think you sound batshit. I just want to say hello to an old friend and maybe even have a chat over a cup of coffee. I do not wish to hound them, stalk them, abuse them or divulge secrets about their very normal past when I knew them.
I’m pretty sure my friend would welcome contact , based on her memories of the type of person I am.
Maybe if past friends reject you, it should tell you something about yourself.

OP posts:
Nocar · 01/04/2021 12:35

I think it’s nice to look up an old friend, I would be made up if an old school friend sought me out - but not too extremes ! I’m a old friend, not your long lost family member, so no private detectives, or applying for death certificates.

I get for some people ‘ they lost touch for a reason’ and it easy enough to politely decline contact, but We’re not all the same and just wanting to get in touch with someone from your past doesn’t make you a crazy stalker.

Original poster
Knitterbabe · 01/04/2021 12:36

@NobodyKnowsTiddlyPom

There are posts from someone called Angela K on the Birmingham History pages - schools, colleges and universities section.

She went to St Agnes between 1966-1971. Could that be her?

Thank you; I looked on there after a pp mentioned the site this morning. She is not the Angela, sadly, but I do recognise some of the names, though none from my class, and have left a message. Kind of you to take the time 🙂
OP posts:
RaspberryCoulis · 01/04/2021 12:45

@Nocar

I think it’s nice to look up an old friend, I would be made up if an old school friend sought me out - but not too extremes ! I’m a old friend, not your long lost family member, so no private detectives, or applying for death certificates. I get for some people ‘ they lost touch for a reason’ and it easy enough to politely decline contact, but We’re not all the same and just wanting to get in touch with someone from your past doesn’t make you a crazy stalker.
Which is exactly what the OP is doing. She has said she won't be getting death certificates or hiring a researcher.

I'm sure most people have more than one person in their past who you've lost touch with and you think about in a "I wonder whatever happened to Angela" sort of way. I certainly do. Susie, a girl whose family always went to the same holiday place with us and who I played with every summer. Kirsty, who I shared a corridor with in Halls of Residence. The French student who I met on my year out. Sally and Erica, who started work with me on the same day at my first job.

Doesn't mean I'm a mad stalker trying to hunt them down and force a friendship. If they're interested in catching up then fine. If not, that's fine too.

(Would be interesting to see a Venn diagram with the "i value my privacy and you are a mad stalker" people in one oval, and the "i never open my front door if you haven't made an appointment" people in another. I imagine the overlap to be considerable)

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 01/04/2021 12:46

I think the best thing you can to to try to make contact is leave messages or posts in plenty of places she might see, saying you are keen to make contact with old school friends. that enables her if she sees them to choose if she wants to get in touch.

But OP your position is quite normal. My mother has been pleased over the years when she's heard from old school pals she had long lost touch with. As is often the case schools close, names change, and 30 plus years ago no one had internet or mobile phones.

Nocar · 01/04/2021 12:48

@RaspberryCoulis
Which is exactly what the OP is doing. She has said she won't be getting death certificates or hiring a researcher.
I have not said that she is. I have said it is perfectly fine to look for someone, quite nice even, but not to extremes as suggested by OTHER POSTERS.

Original poster
Knitterbabe · 01/04/2021 13:01

A very kind Mumsnetter has looked her up on ancestry ( using a few details I gave privately) and found her married name and partner and children. I hope I can use Facebook now to get in touch. Many thanks!

OP posts:
AcornAutumn · 01/04/2021 13:11

@Knitterbabe

A very kind Mumsnetter has looked her up on ancestry ( using a few details I gave privately) and found her married name and partner and children. I hope I can use Facebook now to get in touch. Many thanks!
Would you go further than Facebook? Just curious.
SplendidSuns1000 · 01/04/2021 13:33

I'm so glad you've found her! Do update us if you hear from her Smile

AlwaysLatte · 01/04/2021 13:37

Please don't go too far with this. One reason I can't be found online is this, but annoyingly my parents had a few calls from people who had found their number.
Well yes that is that PPs view, but other people (like me) would be delighted someone went to the trouble of finding me. You won't know unless you try.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 01/04/2021 13:43

Some of these posts are actually batshit! You’re not in Line of Duty witness protection, if someone contacts you it’s not a personal attack. Chill.

AcornAutumn · 01/04/2021 13:51

Just out of interest, where is the line, for you? How far would be too far in finding someone?

I think we can all assume a PI is too far for most 😂

ToffeeNotCoffee · 01/04/2021 13:51

Some of these posts are actually batshit! You’re not in Line of Duty witness protection, if someone contacts you it’s not a personal attack. Chill.

That's right. But why the vitriol from the 'I keep my secrets' brigade. They are doing a lot of, 'shouting' for ones that like being under the radar.

What in the hell has it got to do with them anyway ? One person wants to catch up with an old friend. At that point, all hell breaks loose among the crazy shit stirrers.

Anyway, I seem to have touched a nerve of some total randoms on the internet who don't know me or her. Suits all parties.

You live in a castle on a remote island with the draw bridge continually locked. No one, with genuine, honest sentiment will bother to contact you. Ever.

I mean seriously.

Original poster
Knitterbabe · 01/04/2021 13:51

@SplendidSuns1000

I'm so glad you've found her! Do update us if you hear from her Smile
I will! I’m pretty sure I have the right address (192.com), and I’m going to write. 🙂
OP posts:
AcornAutumn · 01/04/2021 13:53

Ah, if she's on 192 then I guess she is all right with being contacted, which is very different than being unable to find someone there and still pursuing it.

WiseOwlOne · 01/04/2021 13:53

The drama from some posters!! Presume she is not on the rin OP!

I found a school friend recently by putting her sir name in to RIP, one of her kids was on FB and i contacted them and she emailed me. We had a good chat. A few of us emailed her.
There was no reason why she wouldnt have wanted school friends to find her. We were great friends back in 1989.
Some people cant understand how easy it was to lose touch before fb

WiseOwlOne · 01/04/2021 13:54

On the run I mean