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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how I can find my friend?

168 replies

Knitterbabe · 31/03/2021 23:49

I was great pals with my friend Angela all through secondary school, but we lost touch after leaving school, bar a couple of letters, I haven’t heard from her since. No social media in those days!
I have tried searching on Facebook, but have no idea of her married name, so no luck.
We attended a convent school in Birmingham.
Any ideas of how I might attempt to find her?

OP posts:
Original poster
Knitterbabe · 01/04/2021 07:37

@pasturesgreen

Please don't go too far with this

This. Some things are better left in the past. So you once were great pals. You presumably haven't heard from her in at least 10 years, since you say that social media wasn't around back then.

It's entirely possible that you may not have anything in common now and she may not be open to hearing from you. Enjoy the memories and move on!

It’s entirely possible that we will have much in common, including eight years of very close friendship. And if, after catching up with our lives since, we find there is little more to say, what harm done? Thanks @Blyatifuland @Cartwheelingdinosaur and everyone with helpful, encouraging responses. I’m going to do more research along some of the routes suggested. I really am seeking my old school friend who is in her sixties now; nothing sinister! Yes
OP posts:
FlyingBurrito · 01/04/2021 07:47

@lughnasadh

These posts are like a handbook for stalkers.

For all we know the OP is an abusive ex, who'll be hoping a 'helpful' poster suddenly remembers their neighbour 'Angela' and passes on everything they need to know. Hmm

People value their privacy for a reason

No one has suggested anything that isn't perfectly obvious anyone with any malicious stalking intent has already heard of Facebook and local newspapers and PIs

Most people are not hiding from their past and would not be freaked out by an old friend sending them a message.

gildalilly · 01/04/2021 07:48

Search for her on ancestry and you might get an idea of where she's living now from electoral rolls and what her married name is from a marriage certificate.

CentBoppers · 01/04/2021 07:50

@lughnasadh

These posts are like a handbook for stalkers.

For all we know the OP is an abusive ex, who'll be hoping a 'helpful' poster suddenly remembers their neighbour 'Angela' and passes on everything they need to know. Hmm

People value their privacy for a reason

This. A thousand times this.

How many posts on here are from women who need to disappear and ensure that their abusive exes can't find them?

I'm not saying that is you OP, but we really don't know who is posting online.

Goldenmythicalcreature · 01/04/2021 07:54

Hi schoolmates.co.uk is the new friend reunited type site maybe give that a go x

sbhydrogen · 01/04/2021 07:56

I'd be delighted if an old friend that I had lost touch with got in contact with me. Even if nothing come of it other than a coffee and a chat, that'd be lovely.

I'm not on social media, not because I am so super private I don't want anyone to find me, but because I was tired of being glued to my phone. Other than Mumsnet and Reddit, gotta have my vices 🤣

Good luck with your search!

Original poster
Knitterbabe · 01/04/2021 07:56

@Goldenmythicalcreature

Hi schoolmates.co.uk is the new friend reunited type site maybe give that a go x
I will! Thank you 🙂
OP posts:
sonjadog · 01/04/2021 07:58

Threads like this would only be handbooks for very inadequate stalkers. Everything mentioned here is really obvious to do!

runthebank · 01/04/2021 08:02

How about trying the site birminghamhistory.co.uk. I have seen posts about St Agnes Convent on there before.

FiveNightsAtMummys · 01/04/2021 08:04

Jeez so many people acting like your a stalker or something! Your just wanting to get back in touch with an old friend before social media days!
I'd have a look on Facebook, if u can't find her have a look for mutual friends and look on their friend list see if she is there. Also do you think she may of used ancestry to search for her family history? There could be a profile on there?
If you don't have a Facebook account maybe make one using your maiden name (I think there's an option to add this), often it will suggest "people you may know". Good luck on your search

ForwardRanger · 01/04/2021 08:07

@IfYoureCrappyAndYouKnowIt

Search the online obituaries from her hometown with her surname. They mention the names of relatives and you might find someone in her family to get in touch with.
Yes, this is a vg method 👍
LIZS · 01/04/2021 08:11

Try free bmd to see if she has married and where.

Brokenchair1 · 01/04/2021 08:14

Blimey the negativity on this thread. I lost touch with a childhood friend. Didn't know her married name. Found her dad on FB, messaged and asked if he'd pass on my details. She got in touch. We are now really close again. I was delighted.

OP you are not a strange stalker for wanting to get back in touch with an old friend. I think people forget pre SM and mobile phones it was quite easy to lose touch with folk.

MoonCatcher · 01/04/2021 08:17

@lughnasadh

These posts are like a handbook for stalkers.

For all we know the OP is an abusive ex, who'll be hoping a 'helpful' poster suddenly remembers their neighbour 'Angela' and passes on everything they need to know. Hmm

People value their privacy for a reason

I agree. The best you can, and should, do OP is make yourself visible on FB etc with your unusual name and if "Angela" wants to make contact she will.
ThatOtherPoster · 01/04/2021 08:18

Radio 2 often read out “where are you now?” messages.

worried3012 · 01/04/2021 08:18

There's a FB group called Friends Reunited Birmingham Schools And Areas Nearby so that might be worth trying.

JinglingHellsBells · 01/04/2021 08:19

@Knitterbabe I assume you have googled - her maiden name, school, town, where she grew up? And a combination of all of them? Or any higher ed institutions she went to?
Is there no one you know from your old school who might know where she is?

Iwouldlikesomecake · 01/04/2021 08:20

I’m only 40 and lost touch with loads of people because we didn’t go to the same secondary school. My sister’s best friend from primary added me on Facebook the other day and I was delighted; I’ve often wondered what happened to her. We all left junior school before the internet was really a thing. Ok so we aren’t all best friends now but she was a big part of our lives for 7 years and it’s nice to hear from some people.

A twatty guy from uni added me though and I just said no! You don’t have to accept every request!

JinglingHellsBells · 01/04/2021 08:22

These posts are like a handbook for stalkers.

For all we know the OP is an abusive ex, who'll be hoping a 'helpful' poster suddenly remembers their neighbour 'Angela' and passes on everything they need to know. hmm People value their privacy for a reason

Why do people always have to assume the worst? It's just so horrible and cynical to react like this.

alloverthecarpetagain · 01/04/2021 08:23

I'm on the local FB group for our (very large) town and it's amazing how many times people get in touch to ask if anyone knows where their old friend lives - and within a few hours have an answer. I love those, especially the ones that come straight back and say the person is their next door neighbour or they see them in the pub each week. It could be 50 years since they lost touch but the people are still there in the same town, not far away. Good luck!

JinglingHellsBells · 01/04/2021 08:28

@Knitterbabe Sites like Ancestry and similar have births, marriages and deaths data. (Someone found me - partly- by using that, putting in my maiden name.) It's not foolproof but might be worth a shot (you'd need to sign up.)

EmmaGrundyForPM · 01/04/2021 08:30

OP I realise you are very genuine about wanting to find your friend. I've been contacted via FB by an old friend who I'd lost touch with and we are now in regular contact and it's great.

However, as others have said, it's best not to get too fixated on finding her. I had another really close friend that I lost touch with, we both moved, no social media etc etc. After 10 years of not seeing each other we bumped into each other in a building where both of us were attending meetings. We were really excited, swapped numbers, arranged to meet for lunch the next week. It was a disaster. He had turned into a complete arsehole, and we had nothing in common. We met up one more time after that and really had nothing to say to one another. Haven't seen him since.

so don't invest too much time and don't get your hopes up

HaveringWavering · 01/04/2021 08:33

Is there a way to check death records? She might have passed away, you need to rule that out. A death may make reference to maiden name on certificate.

youshallnotpass9 · 01/04/2021 08:35

@lughnasadh

These posts are like a handbook for stalkers.

For all we know the OP is an abusive ex, who'll be hoping a 'helpful' poster suddenly remembers their neighbour 'Angela' and passes on everything they need to know. Hmm

People value their privacy for a reason

The thing is, if I saw a post regarding my mum and an old friend wanting to find her, I would take the person's details and hand them over to my mum.

All of these ideas are fairly obvious and tbh if you are willing to pass on someone's full details to a random stranger on the internet, then you are a fucking idiot and the internet is not for you

Fatladyslim · 01/04/2021 08:39

I hate it when people I haven't spoken to in years just randomly pop up. I instantly think they are wanting something from me and unfortunately previous experience has taught me this is correct.

It stresses me out so much and heightens my anxiety ten fold. If I found out someone had hired a PI (Shock) or created a FB page about me I would be a complete mess worrying about what they wanted and why they had put in so much effort to find me.

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