To ask how I can find my friend?

[Knitterbabe]

I was great pals with my friend Angela all through secondary school, but we lost touch after leaving school, bar a couple of letters, I haven’t heard from her since. No social media in those days!
I have tried searching on Facebook, but have no idea of her married name, so no luck.
We attended a convent school in Birmingham.
Any ideas of how I might attempt to find her?

Have you tried searching by maiden names anyway? When you sign up there’s an option to attach your maiden name to your account.

This - the lack of married name isn't a problem. If she's happy to be found by old acquaintances she'll likely have put her maiden name down.

Why do people always have to assume the worst? It's just so horrible and cynical to react like this.

It's just realistic. Yes, the OP in all likelihood does just want to track down an old friend she lost touch with. My dad met up with someone he hadn't seen for about 50 years and was really glad his old school friend got in touch. However, it is as well to be a bit guarded, especially online when you really have no idea who anyone is. I don't share missing person posts on social media unless they've come from the police, precisely because I have a healthy scepticism about what might be going on.

It's weighing up the risk of someone who is genuine being a bit offended you think they're not, versus the risk of compromising someone's safety.

Can you try and google / search wedding listings to see if she got married.
Obituaries to see if she died.
Have you tried linked in?
Also, look at other peoples facebook accounts that she could be friends with /linked to - see if you can see her picture as she may have a new surname.

If you look on Free BMD www.freebmd.org.uk/ and search for marriages, you should be able to find the index listing. Obviously the number of results will depend on how common her name is - Angela Jones will obviously bring up more hits than Angela Shufflebotham. The index covers most marriages up to 1992. You could also look for deaths, easier as you can enter a year of birth and narrow the search.

Or try Ancestry to look for marriages, deaths and other records. I think they are having a free access weekend over Easter.

I am in the 'some people don't want to be found' camp.

And if people lose touch it's for a reason.

Some people are saying 'many people lose touch for ALL sorts of reasons, but IMO, most people won't 'lose touch' unless they want to, and they are not interested in maintaining contact. If you were that super-close, you'd have stayed in touch. That's the long and short of it.

Many people have had friends in the past who they were fairly close to and had fun with for a few years, and then for whatever reason, they drifted apart. Sometimes it's them who drifted away, and sometimes it was you who drifted away... But, as I said, if you were that close, you would both have maintained contact.

On several occasions, I have had old friends tracking me down and firing messages on facebook to add them as a friend, and get in touch. These were people I had in my life for 3 or 4 years some fifteen years ago, and we had had nothing to do with each other since. So I just ignored their request as I was not interested in getting back in touch. We'd got no friends in common, no family in common, and no shared history except those 3 or 4 years.

Many people just want to add to their 'facebook friends' number anyway, and will add you as a friend and then not bother speaking much after that. It's just a way to boost their friend number, and their 'likes,' and a way to brag about what they've got.

One woman I used to know at school (in the late 1970s/early 1980s,) added me on facebook some 12 years ago, and said 'hi patti long time no see.' I asked her how she was and made small talk. She went on to say 'I now live in Australia, and am sending you (via private message) 30 pictures of my house, my pool, and my horses, to make you jealous...'

Instant block. I thought what an absolute nobhead.

Then there was another woman I knew from school, who would maintain contact intermittently, (over the years,) but only when SHE had something to brag about... New car, new house, new boyfriend, new job... She would just ignore my letters and phone messages when things were not going amazingly for her. Then after a couple of years, she would write again (or leave a phone message) and say 'give me a ring, it's time to meet for a coffee!' I started ignoring her after a few years, and SHE tried adding me on facebook some 5 years ago, so I just blocked her.

Then there was ANOTHER woman, who I met at work when I was about 23/24. She and me were fairly close for several years, and used to go out for pub lunches and drinks, and then she totally ghosted me, when I said I was getting married. She was five years older than me, and at nearly 30, had never had a long term relationship. DH figured out she was pissed off/jealous/upset. But I did nothing wrong. And didn't deserve to be ghosted. I tried writing to her and phoning her, but got no response.

Out of the blue she sent me a facebook message 15 years later. I just ignored her and blocked her.

I now do not have my real name on facebook. Like if my name is Louise McDonald, I would have it as 'Lou Mack' IYSWIM. So I can't be tracked down by ANYone.

I have everyone in my life who I want and need... DH, DD, (and her boyfriend and his close family,) my very close and immediate family, 4 very good friends (2 who I have known since childhood/mid teens, and have kept in touch with - and they have with me,) several good neighbours, and a couple of good pals at work.

I certainly don't need or WANT people from the distant past tracking me down to try and get into my life again, especially if THEY were the one who stopped the bloody contact in the first place.. Or if they are someone I knew from school (or from work 30 years ago,) and I've not heard a damn thing from them since then.

As I said, people DO lose touch for a reason. And it's because they WANT to. Yeah, there are probably accentuating circumstances in a few instances, but for the most part, people lose touch because they want to. And some people don't want people from the past tracking them down and getting in touch. As I said earlier, you'd have been friends all along, if the friendship was meant to be.

@Knitterbabe When I first started reading your posts, I didn't think anything of them, but as you post more, you are coming across as a little bit desperate and slightly 'stalkerish.' Angela is nowhere to be found, probably because that's how Angela wants it.

And FFS don't hire a private detective. That's just weird.

And the reason some people are being 'negative' about all this is because they've had bad experiences of people trying to track them down, OR a bad experience of meeting up with someone again, and it all going wrong, and realising why you lost touch with them in the first place!

People ARE allowed to be negative you now. It is allowed for people to have different opinions to others.

*People are allowed to be negative you KNOW (not now!)

And going back to social media, the community pages are brilliant. We regularly get posts on our "X Village Community" page from someone trying to find an old school friend, or asking for help to track down a mis-delivered parcel. Just along the lines of "I'm trying to track down Angela Shufflebotham, who lived in Acorn Street in the 60s, she had a brother called Algernon and I think her Dad was a police officer. Anyone still in touch with the family?"

Why do people always have to assume the worst? It's just so horrible and cynical to react like this.

This. All this, 'I value my privacy for a reason' business. Means what, exactly ? We all value our privacy to a certain degree.

If you can remember her parents names, look them up on Free BMD. If you can ascertain when they died, you could request a copy of their death certificate/s because it is a public record. It will detail their address. Maybe if she dealt with the admin after they died it will have her name and address as the informant.

As a PP said, the bereavement might not be recent. Oh and asking around the wider circle of acquaintances is not creepy.

Here is my cautionary tale:

I did the self same thing to contact an old school friend. I sent a milestone birthday card to the only address I had for her. Turns out she's long gone from that address. I put my thinking cap on and Googled the names of hobby organisations she used to attend. People did remember her and did pass on my phone number. I Googled her name and got a steer on which County she had moved to. So, despite having no Social Media presence she's not that hard to find. I heard nothing back for my efforts. I e-mailed the leader of the hobby group that had her name listed on Google asking to have my details forwarded to her, which was done. I got no response.

The next year came around and I sent a card to her care of the listed address where the hobby takes place. I got a written reply from her basically telling me not to contact her again and, 'that's why I ignored you last year.' Also, don't go phoning round people you can find that know me asking after me again.

So I just thought, 'yeah alright, Princess Precious.' Whatever.

My point is, you might get a reminder of the ugly side of their personality for your efforts.

Basically, I know too much as far as she is concerned, I suspect. I'm not sure why she has a problem with that. I wasn't out to shame her or cause a problem.

Apart from the fact that she has probably reinvented herself and doesn't need anyone turning from the past. She isn't about to be answering any questions either.

Yeah alright, love. Up yours works both ways.

When I first started reading your posts, I didn't think anything of them, but as you post more, you are coming across as a little bit desperate and slightly 'stalkerish.' Angela is nowhere to be found, probably because that's how Angela wants it.

@littlepattilou The OP's generation didn't grow up with social media. Of all my contacts at school, I'd say no more than 5% can be found on SM. So it's not a case of 'someone doesn't want to be found' it's simply they don't have a SM profile.

Sometimes this can be hard for younger people to appreciate.

Years ago, my old school had a page on Friends Reunited ( I'm talking 25 years ago) and organised a few reunions that way. As times gone by, FU has folded, old pupils have drifted away and those who I know of now don't live in our home town but hundreds of miles away.

What is stalkerish about trying to find an old friend? Or looking at a way to do it? if the friend is found it will surely be done by letter or maybe email, so they care free to ignore the contact.

I believe Ancestry has free access for at least part of the Easter weekend. If you can find her birth, then even if her name is Jane Smith a middle initial may make her easier to identify. When you think you have found her, look for her sister to double check. Other's maiden name is the check here.

Once you've found the birth, look for a marriage and the on for children. Children may be on Facebook.

Use the free search on www.192.com to try to locate her via the electoral roll. You will have to pay to get the full address.

Google the name and location for background.

I'm back in touch with my best friend from the 70s. While my Iife was unstable and I was moving every few months, she moved to the other end of the country and we lost touch. I, absolutely,thrilled to have her back in my life.

Lucky Rabbits. I wondered too if it was St. Paul’s. I’m an old girl. Actually a very old girl.

@ToffeenotCoffee Given your attitude to her declining further contact I can see why she didn't want to remain in contact.

I agree, @JinglingHellsBells. I left secondary school in 1990. No phones, no internet. Landline phonecalls and letters were it. Most of my peer group went to various universities across the UK, it's SO easy to lose touch with people who are moving regularly between home and term time accommodation, or who take up employment in other cities.

My mum doesn't use social media at all and recently had a letter out of the blue from someone she was at college with in the 60s who had tracked her down through various methods discussed above. She was delighted to hear from her and they are planning on meeting for a coffee when we are allowed to leave our homes.

I have no idea why people are always so negative and looking for the worst on here. Same people desperate to scream that any opportunity is a scam, that any marginally odd behaviour by a partner is an affair.

Jingle Bells - from my experience there are many 60's and 70's very active on social media, especially FB. Anyone of that age who wants to find or be found will be on there. If they avoid SM it's a big clue that they don't want to be found by randomers from 50 years back.

@runthebank

How about trying the site birminghamhistory.co.uk. I have seen posts about St Agnes Convent on there before.

I just found this too, and I have posted on there this morning. Looks the most promising! Thanks for taking the time to respond.

If you go onto genesreunited.co.uk, you can search marriage records for free by putting in Angela's last known full name. It will give you the place/year of marriage and the surname of the spouse for everyone with that name.

If several options come up that could be Angela, you can then make a list of optional spouse's surnames and the years they were married, and then sort of do a reverse search using the spouse's surname, year of marriage and Angela's last known surname as an 'optional keyword' to narrow it down. That way, you can learn her husband's full name, her surname will come up as HIS spouse, and you'll have her.

Sorry if none of this makes sense! I know what I mean, but I realise it could be confusing if you haven't used Genes Reunited before!

Either set up a page for your old school and see who joins, maybe she will or maybe she won’t join but it might be a good way to reminisce with your other old school friends.
Ask on your local towns Facebook page ‘ looking for angela’ , one of her children or other relatives might see it and pass it on.
I’ve not got a problem with anyone from my old school contacting me, if I don’t want to chat with them then I can politely decline, but I would be a bit creeped out if they had been obtaining death certificates ( I know this wasn’t your suggestion) or any other above and beyond methods to find me.

@MoonCatcher

Jingle Bells - from my experience there are many 60's and 70's very active on social media, especially FB. Anyone of that age who wants to find or be found will be on there. If they avoid SM it's a big clue that they don't want to be found by randomers from 50 years back.

Have you tried searching for someone with a common first name, if you don’t know their surname? And you mutual friends have changed their names?

I have a story with a happier outcome. Moved around a lot as a child in the 70s and had a lovely friend in my mid teens.

We moved, lost touch ( no mobiles etc etc) . Decades later I found her brother on Twitter. V eminent professor, distinctive name.

I sent him a cautious email and he passed on my details to his sister.

We met up and have stayed in touch over the past few years. Theatre, cinema etc. We lived streets away from each other in the 90s.

It never occurred to me I was being stalkerish but I thought it was worth a try. If she hadn’t responded that would have been the end of the matter.

I'd probably hate to hear from anyone I went to school with but my father whos in his 60s recently set up a facebook account and has been contacted by several people who he knew through out the years and is delighted. Everyone is different and you wont know until you try. I hope it is a positive experience for you

I'd go carefully too, I'm not totally adverse to people getting back in touch but do genuinely feel that if they haven't kept in touch through other means over the years, Christmas cards etc, they're probably not interested. I'm in a FB memory group for the village where I grew up, people from my school days pop up regularly, I keep my head down and don't post because I just don't want to get into the whole cycle of being reunited then finding you have nothing in common after all these years but feeling you now have to stay in touch, just too awkward. If someone wanted me as a FB friend that would be OK but it's as far as I'd go. I'm in my 50s and do still have a few friends from each previous stage of my life but the rest, no, I've moved on.

@Nocar

Either set up a page for your old school and see who joins, maybe she will or maybe she won’t join but it might be a good way to reminisce with your other old school friends. Ask on your local towns Facebook page ‘ looking for angela’ , one of her children or other relatives might see it and pass it on. I’ve not got a problem with anyone from my old school contacting me, if I don’t want to chat with them then I can politely decline, but I would be a bit creeped out if they had been obtaining death certificates ( I know this wasn’t your suggestion) or any other above and beyond methods to find me.

Thanks, I won’t be searching death certificates. Our old ‘town’ is Birmingham, so less hopeful than a small town.

@AleynEivlys
Another good suggestion, thanks!

A dear friend, older than me, moved abroad with her family in the late 90s. We kept in touch for years but lost touch. When facebook became a thing around 2009 her daughter (similar age to me but we went to different schools so never really friends) added me and a few days later I got a message from her saying “I told Mum you were on here, she wants to say hello, she’s glad you’re doing well and if you want to get back in touch her details are...”

That was really nice. Because it was low key, no pressure. I’d often wondered about her. But to be honest if she had used a PI or a lot of the techniques suggested here it would have freaked me out and I’d have refused to get in touch.

I tried this some time ago. A kind MN helped me find an old school friend with whom I had lost touch. I sent a message really to say how sorry I was that we had lost touch, that I had really enjoyed her company as a friend, and still missed her. But I did also say that I realised she had moved on in her life, wished her well and said there was no requirement to reply.
Sadly she never did.
I know from the little I did find out that her husband was very unwell. I do hope he's recovering now but I haven't looked lately as if I found otherwise I would be tempted to reach out again, which might be considered stalkerish.