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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

School mum flirting with my dh

380 replies

silverfish00 · 31/03/2021 22:55

Dh and I have been married 15 years, two dc both primary age.

Due to work dh does all school runs apart from the odd occasion when I will go myself.

A few months back dh started mentioning one of the mums at the school was openly making it clear she fancies him. Never had a conversation but always looking out for him, trying to catch his eye etc. Our dc are not in the same years but their classrooms are nearby so plenty opportunities to end up having a conversation.
Dh said she has only ever spoke to him once and she was talking about the weather.
I didn't really think anything of it and it all got forgotten.

Fast forward a few weeks later dh mentions it's very odd how she acts like he doesn't exist when I'm with him on the school runs.
I thought maybe it's all in dh's head and she was just being friendly and he was thinking far too much into it.

A week or so after all that I notice dh now has her as a friend on Facebook as she commented on a wildlife photograph he had taken. I asked him why and he said she sent him a request and although he only likes family and close friends on his Facebook he accepted her so as not to seem rude.
Dh was mainly concerned with as to how she knew his full name, in the end we guessed she had seen him on the school Facebook page and just added him.
Anyway, I ignored all of this and again put it to the back of my mind.

After all was forgotten and it hadn't been mentioned again for a couple of weeks I decided to join dh on the school run.
I sat in the back of the car with youngest dc and our other dc in the front with dh.
We were parked up on the side of the road outside the school when the mum drives towards us. She didn't see me in the back as the windows are tinted, she only say oldest dc and dh in the front. She slows right down and pulls up alongside, rolls her window down and shouts "hello you" with a big smile. Car behind her started papping their horn as she's blocking all the traffic which made her move on. That is the first time I ever saw her acknowledge dh, she went out of her way when he wasn't even looking in her direction, yet when he's with me she refuses to look anywhere near him let alone say hello Confused

This made me realise it's not all in dh's head at all and call me paranoid/childish but the next time we went to the school I stayed in the car which you can see the playground clearly from.
I watched dh walk onto the playground, she immediately spots him and can't take her eyes off him, she kept looking over, smiling then talking to one of the other school mums who she's very close with and giggling like a teenager. She was very openly flirting with him.

All of this rather annoyed me but I kept my cool and ignored it ever happened. Dh deleted her off Facebook saying she probably wouldn't notice and he could tell I wasn't very happy about it all.

All went quiet again but it started playing on my mind after seeing what she was doing. I haven't been with him on the school run for a week or so now and she hasn't been mentioned until tonight when dh comes and shows me she's sent him another friend request on Facebook after she must have realised he deleted her. He declines it in front of me but told me she's continued giggling and openly flirting with him at the school.

I don't know how to handle this and it's making me feel like complete shit Sad Do I do something about it? What would you do in my situation? Or would you just leave it alone?

OP posts:
Jobsharenightmare · 02/04/2021 10:45

She has a life? She posted yesterday!

CookPassBabtridge · 02/04/2021 13:09

@SandysMam

The Dad’s on my school run all look like a cross between Tyrone from Coronation Street and Noel Edmunds. A no flirt zone - no crocs required.
😂😂👏🏼👏🏼
KirstenBlest · 02/04/2021 13:40

SandysMam

The Dad’s on my school run all look like a cross between Tyrone from Coronation Street and Noel Edmunds. A no flirt zone - no crocs required.

And yet, some women shagged them.

Bloodypunkrockers · 02/04/2021 14:25

@bennibooboo

my suggestion would be to orchestrate a situation where you can be accidentally overheard by her calling her your DH’s fan club and you both having a laugh about it. So she knows you’ve both clocked it

Ffs it's not a fucking American high school movie they are in!!

@emilyjane29 she has no concrete evidence that the woman "fancies" him...just a few incidents where she has ASSUMED she does. She is doing too much thinking around this to be honest. And let's just say the woman was to actually say out loud "I fancy your husband" what IS she going to do? She can't STOP her. She needs to just get on with it and stop doing everyone's thinking and her own.

Yes

I thought I'd stumbled into a parallel universe on this thread

It's all so childish. So she smiles at him. Big deal

But if you want to mark your scent on your DH the go for it. Call her out or whatever the current terminology is

TeachesOfPeaches · 02/04/2021 14:35

Beg is short for Beg-a-friend as far as I understand which is someone who is up someone's arse/ brown noser

Butwasitherdriveway · 02/04/2021 14:59

@firedog

Any reason you feel so insecure?
Aye good one. Blame OP.
toocold54 · 02/04/2021 17:24

Aye good one. Blame OP.

Who else is there to blame?
Her DH and this women have done nothing wrong so obviously it must be OPs insecurities

Butwasitherdriveway · 02/04/2021 17:26

@toocold54

Aye good one. Blame OP.

Who else is there to blame?
Her DH and this women have done nothing wrong so obviously it must be OPs insecurities

Really. MUST it be. Are those the only options?

I also don't think its quite fair to say this woman has done 'nothing' wrong.

toocold54 · 02/04/2021 17:42

Really. MUST it be. Are those the only options?

Who else is to blame? If not DH, OP or the women?

Butwasitherdriveway · 02/04/2021 18:04

@toocold54

Really. MUST it be. Are those the only options?

Who else is to blame? If not DH, OP or the women?

A combination?
toocold54 · 02/04/2021 18:42

A combination?

But the DH and women haven’t done anything wrong.

Alsohuman · 02/04/2021 18:45

I also don't think its quite fair to say this woman has done 'nothing' wrong

Seriously?

Sunflowers095 · 02/04/2021 18:57

@EKGEMS

Walk right up to her,introduce your self as the Mrs. and thank her if she would "stop openly ogling your husband". Then tell your husband if he doesn't knock off his participating in this melodrama he will be in the dog house
Oh god OP please don't take this advice.

He's not engaging in it, she's behaving a bit desperate. Leave it be. What does it matter really?

He's with you, not with her. He's open and honest about what's going on and seems to be ignoring her. No need for you to make a fuss out of it and display your insecurity.

user1481840227 · 03/04/2021 01:54

@LadyLolaRuben

Not everyone's cup of tea but I would go to the school alone before the children come out and calmly tell her I've noticed her making a beeline for my husband and her behaving differently towards him. I'd advise her she appears to be flirting and its inappropriate as he's spoken for and she's making a tit of herself. I'd then tell her to knock the Facebook requests on the head. I say this because I've had problems with other women in the past and each time I've let shit slide and it hits the fan further down the line. So I now nip things in the bud. Id tell my partner in advance that I understand and agree hes done nothing wrong but that I'll deal with it.

I know someone who's husband left her for another woman and she never confronted the OW - ok fair enough. A few years later after recovering from the betrayal the lady met another man and set up home with him. Sometime later the second partner also cheated. She later found it was the same woman her husband had the affair with. Yes, she lost two men to the same woman. This is another reason I confront such women.

I'm curious about what you would do if after that she didn't listen to your warning and tried to catch his eye again or send a facebook request Shock. Shock

It all sounds incredibly dramatic.
If a man went up to another man for fancying his partner and used your approach he would come across as extremely jealous and possessive.

Saltyslug · 03/04/2021 02:32

Its possible you’re reading too much into a bit of harmless chatter. She may or may not think he’s cute? She might just be having some innocent banter and enjoy his company. Who knows. Adding a school mum on Facebook wouldn’t make me worry. The important thing is your DH has no sexual interest he’s following up

Saltyslug · 03/04/2021 02:33

You do sound possessive though. That greeting is quite normal for people on informal terms

WisnaeMe · 03/04/2021 02:36

@Saltyslug

You do sound possessive though. That greeting is quite normal for people on informal terms

oh FFS behave... possessive my arse 🙄

TLKlover · 03/04/2021 02:50

I had to stop doing the school run, as my job didn't allow it so my husband did it instead!

My hubby is very straight to the point, although he would be inwardly flattered that someone had paid attention to him, he wouldn't care less about anything else except picking our daughter up xx

I'm no oil painting but I know that the school run is not something to worry about xx

I do understand this though, be confident that you are the 1 thing in his life, he has already told you that this makes him feel uncomfortable & he has deleted her off Facebook on your request xx

Leave her to have her fantasies....at the end of the day you will be the one that rocks his world, not her!!!

Parkerwhereareyou · 03/04/2021 06:46

@TLKlover

I had to stop doing the school run, as my job didn't allow it so my husband did it instead!

My hubby is very straight to the point, although he would be inwardly flattered that someone had paid attention to him, he wouldn't care less about anything else except picking our daughter up xx

I'm no oil painting but I know that the school run is not something to worry about xx

I do understand this though, be confident that you are the 1 thing in his life, he has already told you that this makes him feel uncomfortable & he has deleted her off Facebook on your request xx

Leave her to have her fantasies....at the end of the day you will be the one that rocks his world, not her!!!

TLKLover I love your post.

You just put some gentle perspective on this. I'm so sure you're right. Sometimes we do just need to relax and trust.

The woman is making a fool of herself, and she sounds horribly arrogant.

OP your husband just v sweet and v much with you.

I think don't let this be a big thing in your lives. Just ignore her.

ViviPru · 03/04/2021 08:45

Some observations.

I can’t quite put my finger on why but for some reason the op doesn’t really ring true to me. (P as in ‘post’ rather than poster). I just can’t quite seem to envisage the details exactly as she describes. Perhaps she’s changed some details for anonymity.

Maybe I’m struggling to visualise the scenes described because at my DDs primary there are currently strict rules around the school run. There’s a strictly one-parent-only policy for drop off and collection. I wouldn’t be able to police accompany DH on the school run even if I wanted to (an aside - I always curiously envied the couples who have the time/organisation to do the school run together in the days when it was allowed). It’s certainly not conducive to elaborate PDAs for the benefit of would-be love rivals.

Parents are expected to stay distanced and keep moving in a one-way circuit, there’s no hanging around or congregating, even outside the school gates it’s heavily discouraged - I barely have opportunity to catch the eye of my closest lifelong friends dropping off their children, let alone stand around giggling with them about flirtations with Georgie’s Dad (full disclosure Georgie’s Dad is fictitious as is Georgie).

Not only that, we’ve had to wear masks since last August, rendering subtle flirtation pretty challenging, nevermind anyone being able to observe any flirtations taking place.

So to summarise, my experience of the school run over the past 7 months has been one of sparse, utilitarian functionality as opposed to the usual convivial amphitheater of social interaction and occasional drama. I can’t imagine any of the playground scenes the op describes taking place in my world.

But for now I’ll give the OP the benefit of the doubt and assume that my DDs school is a Covid-paranoid oddity and similar policies are not in place where she is.

So with that in mind it brings me to the Hello You episode. That’s ODD however you slice it. If it went down how the op describes it’s definitely extraordinary. When I imagine myself in the OPs shoes with that happening outside my school I squirm at the public spectacle of it. “Hello You” in the context exactly as described is absolutely indicative of familiarity borne out of previous interactions, interactions which, whether they were innocent in the part of the OPs DH or not, are previously undisclosed.

I’m inclined to agree with the posters who’ve said that it’s likely there’s been some historic reciprocal top-level light flattery. But the OPs DH probably became uncomfortable because he’s genuinely not interested and realised he’d got himself in a bit of a pickle because the flirty Mum is taking it too far. Hence his desire to now be completely transparent about it.

And one last thing OP, I’d also like to know, asked upthread but as yet unanswered - is she attractive? Or at least would your DH find her attractive? I agree with the poster who said it shouldn’t be relevant but it kind of is. And I’m curious.

georgarina · 03/04/2021 09:04

I would ask DH to freeze her out. Quick smile, no eye contact, no reply.

You can't do anything, she would just enjoy knowing she had got to you.

If DH makes her feel like an idiot by politely ignoring her she should go away.

Jobsharenightmare · 03/04/2021 09:05

There's a big difference between hello you with a cheerful smile and hello you in a flirty I've been looking forward to seeing you kind of manner. I don't think it means your husband has encouraged it but I do think it means that as far as this woman is concerned they have something more than a basic level of civility on the school run.

georgarina · 03/04/2021 09:07

*I remember this happened when DP and I had just had a baby. One of his female friends kept texting him, in one message saying stuff like 'When you're done with daddy duty, want to come over for a drink?'

WTAF.

He sent her a firm but polite message and then ignored.

No need for me to be involved.

Butwasitherdriveway · 03/04/2021 10:45

@Alsohuman

I also don't think its quite fair to say this woman has done 'nothing' wrong

Seriously?

Yes
ViviPru · 03/04/2021 11:03

@Jobsharenightmare

There's a big difference between hello you with a cheerful smile and hello you in a flirty I've been looking forward to seeing you kind of manner. I don't think it means your husband has encouraged it but I do think it means that as far as this woman is concerned they have something more than a basic level of civility on the school run.
Jobsharenightmare “There's a big difference between hello you with a cheerful smile and hello you in a flirty I've been looking forward to seeing you kind of manner.”

True. But what about the passing cars winding down window holding up traffic kind of manner?

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