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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School mum flirting with my dh

380 replies

silverfish00 · 31/03/2021 22:55

Dh and I have been married 15 years, two dc both primary age.

Due to work dh does all school runs apart from the odd occasion when I will go myself.

A few months back dh started mentioning one of the mums at the school was openly making it clear she fancies him. Never had a conversation but always looking out for him, trying to catch his eye etc. Our dc are not in the same years but their classrooms are nearby so plenty opportunities to end up having a conversation.
Dh said she has only ever spoke to him once and she was talking about the weather.
I didn't really think anything of it and it all got forgotten.

Fast forward a few weeks later dh mentions it's very odd how she acts like he doesn't exist when I'm with him on the school runs.
I thought maybe it's all in dh's head and she was just being friendly and he was thinking far too much into it.

A week or so after all that I notice dh now has her as a friend on Facebook as she commented on a wildlife photograph he had taken. I asked him why and he said she sent him a request and although he only likes family and close friends on his Facebook he accepted her so as not to seem rude.
Dh was mainly concerned with as to how she knew his full name, in the end we guessed she had seen him on the school Facebook page and just added him.
Anyway, I ignored all of this and again put it to the back of my mind.

After all was forgotten and it hadn't been mentioned again for a couple of weeks I decided to join dh on the school run.
I sat in the back of the car with youngest dc and our other dc in the front with dh.
We were parked up on the side of the road outside the school when the mum drives towards us. She didn't see me in the back as the windows are tinted, she only say oldest dc and dh in the front. She slows right down and pulls up alongside, rolls her window down and shouts "hello you" with a big smile. Car behind her started papping their horn as she's blocking all the traffic which made her move on. That is the first time I ever saw her acknowledge dh, she went out of her way when he wasn't even looking in her direction, yet when he's with me she refuses to look anywhere near him let alone say hello Confused

This made me realise it's not all in dh's head at all and call me paranoid/childish but the next time we went to the school I stayed in the car which you can see the playground clearly from.
I watched dh walk onto the playground, she immediately spots him and can't take her eyes off him, she kept looking over, smiling then talking to one of the other school mums who she's very close with and giggling like a teenager. She was very openly flirting with him.

All of this rather annoyed me but I kept my cool and ignored it ever happened. Dh deleted her off Facebook saying she probably wouldn't notice and he could tell I wasn't very happy about it all.

All went quiet again but it started playing on my mind after seeing what she was doing. I haven't been with him on the school run for a week or so now and she hasn't been mentioned until tonight when dh comes and shows me she's sent him another friend request on Facebook after she must have realised he deleted her. He declines it in front of me but told me she's continued giggling and openly flirting with him at the school.

I don't know how to handle this and it's making me feel like complete shit Sad Do I do something about it? What would you do in my situation? Or would you just leave it alone?

OP posts:
harknesswitch · 01/04/2021 13:12

I'm a bit confused, you said that she doesn't approach him but will look at home, giggle etc within hearing distance. But why when she thinks you're not there will she say 'hello you' ?

Has he actually been talking to her or not ?

Parkerwhereareyou · 01/04/2021 13:13

Maybe that's colouring your judgement because so far all she's done is say hello, smile and add him on Facebook

That's just it, though. OP saw how she said hello and smiled. It only takes an instant to recognise flirty invitation. And she wouldn't have done it if OP had been there. There's your answer.

Main point is it's upsetting OP. So has to stop.

CookPassBabtridge · 01/04/2021 13:15

Yes why does it make you feel so insecure?
Your DH is doing everything right. If you trust him.. then nothing else matters.

KisstheTeapot14 · 01/04/2021 13:17

@berrygirlie much as I applaud your suggestion - quite proportional given the circs - that cat has done nothing wrong.

wheretonow123 · 01/04/2021 13:18

It all sounds pretty pathetic on her part. I don't think I would engage with her at all.

Is she attractive, younger? Any redeeming features?

Deelish75 · 01/04/2021 13:23

She’s being disrespectful and I suspect she’d love to know she’s getting under your skin, but I would ignore her and act as a united front with your DH.

When my DD was newborn, DP took over doing the school run during his paternity leave and towards the end we went together. Even though DP and I were quite clearly together with a newborn in the pram there was one mum who was clearly giving him the eye and ignoring me, DP never responded to it, but I did feel annoyed about. Over the next few months I was mainly doing the school runs, she’d always blank me, but if DP was with me she was all smiles towards him, again he never responded. It got to the point where every time I saw her, either on my own or with DP I’d start laughing and smirking to myself - never said anything to me but she did stop giving DP the eye.

WisnaeMe · 01/04/2021 13:29

Id suggest not underestimating her.

I know your DH has declined further Friend Requests but he hasn't Blocked her OP. So any messages she chose to send would reach him yes? Im not sure how FB works, I don't use it. But it may be easier all round if he just Blocked her.

WeekendCEO · 01/04/2021 13:36

This thread is becoming ridiculous. He is your husband. This woman is just some mum in the playground, just ignore and get on with life. She’s clearly a twat and is embarrassing herself but you don’t need to do anything. Your husband should just drop the kids off and continue his day. You can’t change her behaviour but you can control your own. She really is irrelevant. If you trust your husband, this just isn’t an issue.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 01/04/2021 13:39

If my bloke asked me to be rude to someone and implied that he didn’t trust me, I’d tell him to fuck right off.

Exactly. If a woman came on here to say “A dad on the school run has been making eyes at me - I’ve told DH but he’s upset about it. He says I shouldn’t do the school run any more and, if I have to do it, I must blank him which seems unnecessarily rude. I got a FB friend request which I initially accepted as it felt awkward not to, but I’ve since deleted it and refused a re-request. But DH is still not happy with me and I feel like I’m being blamed when I’ve done nothing except be on the receiving end of unwanted (and I encouraged) attention.”

I think that would be getting a “LTB, he’s a controlling arsehole, you shouldn’t have to put up with his insecurities” response.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 01/04/2021 13:40

UN-encouraged!

DrSbaitso · 01/04/2021 13:40

Id suggest not underestimating her.

The only person whose actions need to be estimated in any way is the husband. He has the absolute power in whether or not anything untoward happens.

NRE20 · 01/04/2021 13:41

I have a different take on things to the other posters. Your intuition is picking up on things that aren’t right and you’ve done some digging to see if you can understand this woman’s intention. You’re right to be concerned, but I think the focus should be on your DH.
It’s great that he’s told you about his suspicions, but odd that he added her to FB, when he could have ignored the friend request and told you about it. It’s very flattering and exciting being flirted with. How does he feel about it all? Does she make him uncomfortable, or does he like the attention? What was the reason he felt he had to tell you something was going on? While it could genuinely be about being honest with you, it could also be a way to feel like he has permission. It’s not coming from him, so it’s okay to let it continue. Has he taken any steps to put some distance between him and this woman?
Confronting this woman is unlikely to make a difference, since nothing major has happened. Talking to him about it and checking you’re both still fully invested in your relationship seems important right now, as this situation has made you worry and that shouldn’t be yours to bear alone. Your DH could be providing you with lots of reassurance, so you shouldn’t even feel the need to worry about someone having a crush on him.

Cloudyrainsham · 01/04/2021 13:42

I wouldn’t give it another thought. Women flirt with my DH all the time, have done for over 25 years. I find it funny as it makes him really uncomfortable.

JackieTheFart · 01/04/2021 13:46

Go in the car with your husband again and sit in the back. Then, slowing lower the window when she starts doing the eyes at husband. Make sure he knows to position himself so she can see your car Wink.

Not really. Just ignore it. Your husband sounds like a good egg,

Elisannah · 01/04/2021 13:46

If this was happening to me and my dh I'd be annoyed as it's plain rude to act that way but we'd probably just laugh at the ridiculousness of it. He sounds fine with what he's doing - he's been honest about it and is always the one to bring it up. I totally get accepting the request initially but he's done the right thing in ignoring the 2nd one.

OP please don't confront her...if anyone is going to say anything then it should be your husband. However, is it really necessary?! I think giving her the minimal attention required is the better way to go rather than indulging her in the drama.

CuthbertDibbleandGrubb · 01/04/2021 13:46

Is he virtually the only man who does all the school runs?

Buggritbuggrit · 01/04/2021 13:50

I wouldn't care about this at all. Your feelings are always completely valid and I'm not trying to dismiss them, but I am having difficulty understanding what part of this you find so upsetting. Or why any of this would make you feel insecure.

Someone finding your partner attractive doesn't affect you negatively at all. She can wave and gush all that she likes, but so what? He's not going to cheat on you and you trust him, so what's the problem? If anything, I'd take it as a compliment (as I have in the past when people have fancied DP - and vice versa) and let him bask in it a bit.

I am very sorry this is making you feel unhappy. Perhaps it might be helpful to reframe how you're thinking about it? Either way, there's lots of advice here, I hope you find some of it helpful.

SkedaddIe · 01/04/2021 13:51

It's a thirst trap.

I think she just likes the attention/drama and your dh needs to be very very wary. Especially given that she's already caused one divorce and she didn't/isn't in a relationship with that other dad so i doubt it was a genuine attraction there either.

The next step in the game would be screenshots cut in away to humiliate you and make your dh look interested in her whether or not he actually was.

Graciebobcat · 01/04/2021 14:00

@LucilleTheVampireBat

I'd tell another couple of mum friends and have a good laugh at her to her face, silly cow

How insecure would you have to be to do something like that. I'm cringing reading it.

People fancy other people. If you feel the need to mark your territory in order to "protect" it, you have got a problem.

Heads up, OP, she's here Grin
Famousinlove · 01/04/2021 14:04

To the people saying confront her.. if you were in that position and a guy was smiling/being friendly to you (lets be fair she hasn't exactly propositioned him) and your DP had a go at him wouldn't you be mortified??
I would probably be changing schools Grin

Excilente · 01/04/2021 14:08

i think you need to go full monty python style 'handbags at dawn' style at her...

Overdueanamechange · 01/04/2021 14:10

You have a good husband by the sounds of it, but I can understand why you are upset by this.
I had a situation years ago with my DH, where a friend of his DS openly fancied and gushed over him. She had form for married men too. I sound like a bitch, but my friends and I just took the piss out of her relentlessly when she played up to him. It worked of course and eventually she stopped.

Funguy · 01/04/2021 14:15

Well, she sounds like a complete dickhead. Just ignore the trouser chaser.

CantGetDecentNickname · 01/04/2021 14:15

Hi OP, I'd just tell DH about the previous case she was involved in and that it does make you feel uncomfortable as her tactics appear to have worked in the past. You are entitled to your feelings and they shouldn't be dismissed by others. He does need to deal with this though. He just needs to be polite, but distant with her and a bit offhand. If she continues to talk to him, which she initially probably will, he needs to talk about what he and his family are up to and mostly about you. She is trying to get round him by being interested in his hobby so they have something in common - he needs to shut conversations like that down and show that he is more interested in his family. If it's not about her, but about you instead, she will hopefully give up. He needs to not passively respond to her, but to control the conversation and move on to topics that don't interest her. You need to ignore it all - never show anyone that it bothers you. She may persist for a while, but will hopefully give up.
Wishing you well.

Graciebobcat · 01/04/2021 14:17

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me, @overduenamechange. If people just let others get away with dubious behaviour, they will just carry on. They deserve to be pilloried.

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