Page 9 | Should NRP use all of their annual leave to have their children more?

SpongebobNoPants · 2021-03-31T17:09:39+00:00

Is it reasonable to expect the NRP to use every day of their annual leave to have their kids? Situation is NRP has children EOW and 1-2 times a week for dinner, every bank holiday weekend, and time off for RP to go on solo holiday twice a year. RP is a STAHP to 2 secondary aged children. YABU - NRP should use all of their holiday allowance to have the kids more YANBU - NRP can use annual leave for a few personal days too

blackcurrantjam · 31/03/2021 21:47

TrustTheGeneGenie it's not really I don't think the mum would go for that, isn't it the dad says I'm doing it, they're my kids

Original poster

SpongebobNoPants · 31/03/2021 21:47

@blackcurrantjam again not true. He facilitated after school activities until recently when neither wanted to do them anymore.
We also have them for dinner 2 times per week usually

OP posts:

LolaSmiles · 31/03/2021 21:49

TrustTheGeneGenie
The mental load of parenting, or does it all stop once the kids hit Year 7?

I'm not saying her days are jam packed because obviously the kids are at school, but when one parent has EOW and the other doesn't it's the resident parent who will be doing all the day to day stuff, keeping involved in school things, sorting any clubs out, being there for them on an evening, thinking about medical appointments, dentists, and generally being a hands on parent to teens and pre teens.

16 year old being self-sufficient is a bit of a joke. Still a child in the eyes of the law, still in compulsory education and still very much immature with all the issues of mid-teen years, but on Mumsnet they're basically adults who don't require parenting. Is this the step before Mums net parenting an 18 year old where you wash your hands ASAP?

TrustTheGeneGenie · 31/03/2021 21:50

@blackcurrantjam

TrustTheGeneGenie it's not really I don't think the mum would go for that, isn't it the dad says I'm doing it, they're my kids

Ahahhahahaha, yeah, no.

As an NRP you can't just say I'm having the kids 50/50 and that's it.

I mean, what makes you think that happens?!

eeyore228 · 31/03/2021 21:50

There seems to be a few comments regarding NRP sharing ‘equally’ with the RP. My dad would have had me in a heartbeat, why didn't he? My mum didn't want to lose money. I overheard her one night telling my dad he couldn't have me more frequently because she didn't want to lose her money. She told me my dad didn't want me, so please don't assume.

Original poster

SpongebobNoPants · 31/03/2021 21:51

All dentist and optician appointments have been facilitated by DP.
Ex refused to take eldest to the asthma clinic before this lockdown because she had a hair appointment meaning I had to.
The mental load is definitely not solely borne by her.

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Waxonwaxoff0 · 31/03/2021 21:51

Who are all these people that "can't work by choice?" You cannot choose not to work if you have teenage children, it's not like having a baby where you aren't expected to work. You have to sign on Job seekers and actively look for work when you have teenage children.

Unless she isn't on benefits and gets the money elsewhere. It must be because nobody on benefits lives "comfortably".

TrustTheGeneGenie · 31/03/2021 21:51

@LolaSmiles

TrustTheGeneGenie The mental load of parenting, or does it all stop once the kids hit Year 7?

I'm not saying her days are jam packed because obviously the kids are at school, but when one parent has EOW and the other doesn't it's the resident parent who will be doing all the day to day stuff, keeping involved in school things, sorting any clubs out, being there for them on an evening, thinking about medical appointments, dentists, and generally being a hands on parent to teens and pre teens.

16 year old being self-sufficient is a bit of a joke. Still a child in the eyes of the law, still in compulsory education and still very much immature with all the issues of mid-teen years, but on Mumsnet they're basically adults who don't require parenting. Is this the step before Mums net parenting an 18 year old where you wash your hands ASAP?

Yes must be super hard sorting clubs our for secondary age kids when you literally do fuck all else.

As a full time working parent with my own "mental load" I cannot feel sorry for a woman with two secondary age kids who doesn't work. I just can't.

Most of us do all that shit and work as well.

blackcurrantjam · 31/03/2021 21:51

Well I thought it was a bit more flexible with older ones tbh
Hmm.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 31/03/2021 21:53

@blackcurrantjam

Well I thought it was a bit more flexible with older ones tbh Hmm.

In a word? No.

The rp holds the cards unfortunately.

blackcurrantjam · 31/03/2021 21:54

Waxonwaxoff0 I thought the same thing holidays in Goa?! Can't be on benefits, kids too old. Have to work

Original poster

SpongebobNoPants · 31/03/2021 21:54

Who are all these people that "can't work by choice?
Well she is one. I know from eldest SC that her mum was just asked to attend back to work courses occasionally for a day or two.
It’s easy to scam the system

OP posts:

BlackeyedSusan · 31/03/2021 21:54

@SpongebobNoPants maybe I was thinking of a specific situation...

Waxonwaxoff0 · 31/03/2021 21:55

@SpongebobNoPants

Who are all these people that "can't work by choice? Well she is one. I know from eldest SC that her mum was just asked to attend back to work courses occasionally for a day or two. It’s easy to scam the system

Bollocks. I don't believe a word.

Original poster

SpongebobNoPants · 31/03/2021 21:55

You don’t think there are people who choose not to work 😂
Ok

OP posts:

blackcurrantjam · 31/03/2021 21:56

Eeyore228 sorry

Waxonwaxoff0 · 31/03/2021 21:57

@blackcurrantjam

Waxonwaxoff0 I thought the same thing

holidays in Goa?! Can't be on benefits, kids too old. Have to work

Yeah. I've seen many a thread like this. Always the same, a lazy female RP who doesn't work but somehow has loads of money and the poor dad doing all the work. I call bullshit on most of them.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 31/03/2021 21:57

If you're getting benefits, maintenance doesn't count so if dp is working and earning a lot she'll be getting quite a bit of money from him plus shes got two kids so she'll be getting a fair bit.

Maybe shes independently wealthy? Who knows.

It's irrevelant really why or how she doesn't work. But the fact that she doesn't work is relevant imo.

Original poster

SpongebobNoPants · 31/03/2021 21:57

@Waxonwaxoff0 I never said she had loads of money, just that she was comfortable

OP posts:

Waxonwaxoff0 · 31/03/2021 21:59

@SpongebobNoPants

You don’t think there are people who choose not to work 😂 Ok

I don't believe that someone who doesn't work and has teenage children only has to attend a couple of courses, and can afford all these foreign holidays. So either you're stretching the truth or she has some kind of job on the side.

Willyoujustbequiet · 31/03/2021 22:01

Spongebob

My maths isnt off, every other weekend would mean approx 26 nights without his children. He is childfree. The resident parent enables his career in that sense. Seeing as she's doing by far the lion's share of parenting it seems only fair he steps up in the holidays. He has way more childfree time than parents usually get

Waxonwaxoff0 · 31/03/2021 22:05

@TrustTheGeneGenie

If you're getting benefits, maintenance doesn't count so if dp is working and earning a lot she'll be getting quite a bit of money from him plus shes got two kids so she'll be getting a fair bit.

Maybe shes independently wealthy? Who knows.

It's irrevelant really why or how she doesn't work. But the fact that she doesn't work is relevant imo.

I'm aware of that. What I struggle to believe is people "choosing" not to work. You can't just "choose" that with older children and still get benefits.

LolaSmiles · 31/03/2021 22:05

Yes must be super hard sorting clubs our for secondary age kids when you literally do fuck all else.

As a full time working parent with my own "mental load" I cannot feel sorry for a woman with two secondary age kids who doesn't work. I just can't.

Most of us do all that shit and work as well
It's not about sympathy for the mum, at least not from my perspective.

It's more that it's increasingly fine for non resident dads to not be a primary parent for their children all but 4 days a month and then they act like they get no child free time and life is so tough for them.
If not being with your kids most of the time doesn't count as being child free time then I'm not sure what does. Like you say, most of us carry the mental load and work.

Thread after thread is full of why it's so hard for non-resident dads to do more than a few days and we're expected to give them gold stars if they share some of the parenting during the school holidays or have their children for tea.

It's not about mum vs step mum to me. It's about how often non resident dads can opt out of most of the mental load, not have their children most of the time and then feel hard done to if asked to do a bit more.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 31/03/2021 22:05

@Willyoujustbequiet

Spongebob

My maths isnt off, every other weekend would mean approx 26 nights without his children. He is childfree. The resident parent enables his career in that sense. Seeing as she's doing by far the lion's share of parenting it seems only fair he steps up in the holidays. He has way more childfree time than parents usually get

She enables his career?

No she doesn't. Her children don't need childcare. They don't need her to stay at home.

Also have you misread?

He already has them in the holidays.

She's asking him to have them for every single day of his annual leave.

Meaning he can never take a day off work alone. Ever.

Whilst she has child free time every school week, every other weekend, and the holiday weeks he has them for.

In what world is that fair?

TrustTheGeneGenie · 31/03/2021 22:06

@LolaSmiles

Yes must be super hard sorting clubs our for secondary age kids when you literally do fuck all else.

As a full time working parent with my own "mental load" I cannot feel sorry for a woman with two secondary age kids who doesn't work. I just can't.

Most of us do all that shit and work as well
It's not about sympathy for the mum, at least not from my perspective.

It's more that it's increasingly fine for non resident dads to not be a primary parent for their children all but 4 days a month and then they act like they get no child free time and life is so tough for them.
If not being with your kids most of the time doesn't count as being child free time then I'm not sure what does. Like you say, most of us carry the mental load and work.

Thread after thread is full of why it's so hard for non-resident dads to do more than a few days and we're expected to give them gold stars if they share some of the parenting during the school holidays or have their children for tea.

It's not about mum vs step mum to me. It's about how often non resident dads can opt out of most of the mental load, not have their children most of the time and then feel hard done to if asked to do a bit more.

He's not acting like he gets no child free time. He just wants a day off alone.

Is that not okay?

Should no parent get a day off alone or just nrp dad's?