Should NRP use all of their annual leave to have their children more?

[SpongebobNoPants]

Is it reasonable to expect the NRP to use every day of their annual leave to have their kids?
Situation is NRP has children EOW and 1-2 times a week for dinner, every bank holiday weekend, and time off for RP to go on solo holiday twice a year.
RP is a STAHP to 2 secondary aged children.

YABU - NRP should use all of their holiday allowance to have the kids more
YANBU - NRP can use annual leave for a few personal days too

Jealous?! 🤦‍♀️

I don't get the 'but ex is a SAHP and has all this time to herself during the school day'. It's said quite a lot, and I don't deny the time is there, but it's not like she can go on holiday and do as she pleases because she's responsible for her children during that time. If there is a problem, she gets called, she's the one doing the bulk of day to day parenting. Plus I don't see all these non resident dads scrambling to be responsible for their children during term time. There's a lot of dads quite content to have their children every other weekend, safely knowing they'll not be bothered during the week etc.
The flip side of the 'but the SAHP ex has all this childfree time when kids are at school' is that often the non resident parent has 27/31 days child free time where he knows that someone else is sorting everything.

Sometimes I think it would be nice to read more threads where the discussion around children's contact with their parents is based on what is best for the children, and not a few adults squabbling over who does or doesn't get the most child free time/who deserves to have child free time.

Jealous 😂
Not at all. I have an amazing career, I’m very happy with my life. What I don’t appreciate is her screaming outside my front door whilst I’m on a work zoom meeting because my DP dared to have 3 days to himself when she’s got a 9 full days to herself next week.
It’s incredibly hypocritical and not fair in my opinion

My DP is certainly not “scrambling for free time”. His ex is though.
I’m sorry but when one parent is working 60-80 hours a week and the other isn’t working at all and saying they need free time when the other parent has had 3 non working, child free days in the last 10 months or so then I think it isn’t really comparable.

@LolaSmiles

I don't get the 'but ex is a SAHP and has all this time to herself during the school day'. It's said quite a lot, and I don't deny the time is there, but it's not like she can go on holiday and do as she pleases because she's responsible for her children during that time. If there is a problem, she gets called, she's the one doing the bulk of day to day parenting. Plus I don't see all these non resident dads scrambling to be responsible for their children during term time. There's a lot of dads quite content to have their children every other weekend, safely knowing they'll not be bothered during the week etc. The flip side of the 'but the SAHP ex has all this childfree time when kids are at school' is that often the non resident parent has 27/31 days child free time where he knows that someone else is sorting everything.

Sometimes I think it would be nice to read more threads where the discussion around children's contact with their parents is based on what is best for the children, and not a few adults squabbling over who does or doesn't get the most child free time/who deserves to have child free time.

But they are 12 and 16. They come and go as they please. What's best for them is what's already happening, ie, what they want not what is dictated by their parents.

The issue here is the mum trying to force more time just because her ex is not at work.

Ok so you think she has it easier. Well that is up to her. Maybe she doesn't have it easier. Maybe she is deeply unsatisfied. I think you've got to get out of her situation and into your own? Clearly you want a holiday. there must be a way to facilitate that while sticking with the reality that he is a parent and needs to contribute, 50/50 really at that age. Anyway she must have them for a two week block at some point. Go then?

did she have them solo a lot when they were younger?

are they being stroppy teens at home for her?

any additional needs?

Reasons why she may be desperate, but shouting is not on.

the non resident parent has 27/31 days child free time where he knows that someone else is sorting everything
He has been working. I don’t consider working “child free time”.
I say that as a mother of a 6 & 10 year old who works full time.
I wish the hours I spent working were spent at home on my own 😂

Why isn't it 50/50 and he arranges childcare - is on duty TOTALLY - is on call for the teenagers?

Anyway she must have them for a two week block at some point
I can only imagine the furore that would ensue if DP suggested that.

@BlackeyedSusan no, DP used to work a different job with more 9-5 role. When they were younger their mum worked part time and he split childcare costs too.
No additional needs.
Stroppy? Yeah a bit, but that’s all teens isn’t it?

@blackcurrantjam

Why isn't it 50/50 and he arranges childcare - is on duty TOTALLY - is on call for the teenagers?

Why do teenagers require childcare?

Why would he do that when their actual mother does not work?

I had this argument with ex several years ago, I had to beg him to take time off work to spend with his dc, eventually he took 2 weeks off during the summer holidays, in that 2 weeks he saw the DD’s for one extra day. My dc’s are now 17 and 15 and I have given up asking him, both my dc have disabilities too so summer holidays are long, I can’t hold down a job as I have no child care and he refuses to help. My dc see their dad for 7 hours a week, eldest thinks he’s the best dad ever, probably because she knows no different, he doesn’t do anything with them, not days out etc..

Well that's up to her. If he / you can work out a way to do it, it's none of her business. In the same way holidays in Goa are none of yours.

@blackcurrantjam childcare for teens???
They can come and go as they please as they do at their mum’s.
It’s not 50/50 because he works and she doesn’t. She’s also been very happy to accept the extra money that comes from DP’s working hours, I think she’d struggle without it to be honest.

@Lovemusic33 that’s a completely different situation and not even comparable. I’m sorry you had it so hard

@Lovemusic33

I had this argument with ex several years ago, I had to beg him to take time off work to spend with his dc, eventually he took 2 weeks off during the summer holidays, in that 2 weeks he saw the DD’s for one extra day. My dc’s are now 17 and 15 and I have given up asking him, both my dc have disabilities too so summer holidays are long, I can’t hold down a job as I have no child care and he refuses to help. My dc see their dad for 7 hours a week, eldest thinks he’s the best dad ever, probably because she knows no different, he doesn’t do anything with them, not days out etc..

That is very shit but not at all comparable is it?

TrustTheGeneGenie because he's their parent. They might not need childcare but someone to call/be on duty if one of them needs it.

Dh has 4 weeks holiday. He uses all that when it's school holidays except 2 days for our 2s birthdays.

Her dm also takes her leave in holidays.

We have dsd half of all holidays so obviously his AL isn't enough to cover all that time so I look after dsd. As I do at weekends when he works.

However if her dm chose to use her Al when dsd is at school or with us that's her choice. As it is dhs whether to use his leave when dsd here. He chose to because he fought so hard to have contact with many barriers put up.
She tried to dictate he could only have her 4 weeks of which he gets Al. But the court said its up to him who he chose to care for dsd when he's at work. Whether that's me, my family, his family, a friend, ndn whatever. Just as she can chose who cares for her when she works.

@blackcurrantjam
In the same way holidays in Goa are none of yours
Slightly different as DP has to book his annual leave to accommodate it.

It's not he works/she doesn't. it's he works and should cover 50 per cent of the time. And be the on call parent. Her having the children is free childcare/duty/whatever teens need. She is facilitating him working by having the children in the week.

He has been working. I don’t consider working “child free time”.
I know he has been working.
My point is that for 27/31 days most months he doesn't have to think about what the children are doing because someone else is doing it all, so yes he does have child free time because someone else is carrying the load and the responsibility for all but 4 days a month.

My point is that for all we hear about SAHP with all this child free time and how great it is for them, we don't tend to see all these non resident parents wanting to swap, or have the children more during the week (where they'd have to carry a lot more of the parenting load than they do on 4 days a month).

He quite literally doesn't have the children the vast majority of the month and doesn't have the mental load the vast majority of the month.
He shouldn't have to use all his annual leave up seeing his children, but the idea that all his child free time doesn't count because he has work is laughable.

They might not need childcare but someone to call/be on duty if one of them needs it
He is. He works pretty locally and could easily be there in an emergency.
He often picks the kids up from wherever they are after school and drops them home.

@blackcurrantjam

TrustTheGeneGenie because he's their parent. They might not need childcare but someone to call/be on duty if one of them needs it.

Yes and their mother does that. Presumably she gets paid the appropriate amount of maintenance for doing that. Of course, they could go 50/50 and no maintenance gets paid and he could have to leave work a couple of times a year when they're sick or injured but somehow I don't think mum would go for that.

He doesn't have to organise ANYTHING for the kids during the working week?

@LolaSmiles

He has been working. I don’t consider working “child free time”. I know he has been working. My point is that for 27/31 days most months he doesn't have to think about what the children are doing because someone else is doing it all, so yes he does have child free time because someone else is carrying the load and the responsibility for all but 4 days a month.

My point is that for all we hear about SAHP with all this child free time and how great it is for them, we don't tend to see all these non resident parents wanting to swap, or have the children more during the week (where they'd have to carry a lot more of the parenting load than they do on 4 days a month).

He quite literally doesn't have the children the vast majority of the month and doesn't have the mental load the vast majority of the month.
He shouldn't have to use all his annual leave up seeing his children, but the idea that all his child free time doesn't count because he has work is laughable.

Mental load of what exactly?

Again very different with small kids but a 12yo and a 16 yo? The elder one should be pretty self sufficient.