Can't do woman talk? Am I broken?

[viixie]

Okay so I'm a grown woman but I just find small talk boring I've never felt like I've fit in.

I've just been for a walk with some female friends and I've always felt like I've never fit in with females. I've always felt like the odd one out. They will chat and gossip about people and work and their lives etc and I don't talk as much. I have always been the quieter one but I find this kind of small talk boring. I feel like I'm there because I have to be to try and seem normal rather than to enjoy myself. It's an effort for me to try and fit in in this conversation. I am aware they are probably doing 70% of the chat and I'm meeting them back with 30% if you see what I mean. If I'm in a group of people I will let the others do most of the talking, I find it draining and uninteresting. Of course I pretend to be interested and try to involve myself but inside I find it draining. I'd rather be at home, I much prefer one on one company where I will then feel comfortable being myself and having a chat. I feel like I never really let anyone know or see the real me unless it's someone close like my partner or close family. I feel I am never fully relaxed or myself with anyone else.

Am I broken? Anyone else?

@viixie

Okay I'm going to change 'woman talk' to 'trivial talk' here 🤣 I think women do a lot of he said she said gossip etc. I'm not saying I enjoy male talk either.

Forget that and let's just says I find small talk hard in general

Have you ever heard a group of men talking? Because all the ones I know love a gossip. DH and his friend are forever ringing each other to gossip about their friends/people they barely know. That's a human thing, not a woman thing.

It doesn't really sound like you're bringing much to the conversation - do you not have much happening in your life to share? What is it exactly that you want to talk about? Philosophy, religion, film making? Why not introduce discussions about those topics? Or find friends who have similar interests, and don't enjoy discussing what's happening in their own life or yours if you find it so dull.

asking the person how long they've been watching Coronation Street and whether they have found the way it's changed interesting etc etc.

In which case, you're a better person than me. I'd quite willingly enter into conversation about the North West, its geography, people and way of life etc. But I'd rather suffer an acute case of constipation than suffer a chat about something quite so dismal-looking as that soap. Even the signature music is dismal.

I could stun anyone with my encyclopaedic knowledge of 80s horror and fangirling over the wonderfully camp Freddy Krueger but no doubt that's just as boring to others who don't happen to be interested! (But I do think Robert Englund was great, so have no intention of watching the remake ... 💤 💭)

I'm going to totally contradict my previous post now. Having thought about it I find some groups of women more difficult than others. I used to belong to a hobby group and have decided not to go back after lockdown ends. I always come away feeling worse than when I went in and just don't fit in with them at all. It wasn't always like this, but gradually the people I clicked with have left and there's no one left who I relate to or who relates to me. I'm a square peg in a round hole and it's not worth the angst.

Maybe you could try other groups of people. I'm convinced my people are out there someone.

Also groups of people are hard for introverts. I am much happier having a one to one with someone, than trying to navigate the dynamics of a big group. I don't make myself do things that clearly aren't working for me.

@Sciurus83

Maybe you just need some friends you don't look down on and find boring?

Have to agree there is a fair amount of putting down of women here who are "socialised to gossip " from a young age . WTAF?

I find group conversation difficult. I do think women are more complex than men in the way they interact. There’s more to take in in terms of body language which I find hard to read sometimes and it is tiring especially in a group. More to do with me than them or the topic of conversation.

People are starting to pile on OP for her supposed internalised misogyny but that isn't how I read it at all. Nowhere does she praise men for their fascinating conversation. She just said that she feels awkward sometimes in a group of female friends. I know this feeling too well! They thrive on certain topics and I'm just left feeling like an oddity.

As a woman it is expected that we will always be comfortable in a group of other women and it's not always the case especially if you are introverted/ neuro diverse / eccentric.

It's not that a group of men would be better, it's more about group dynamics. I admire extroverts for being able to thrive on this but you might as well ask me to fly.

I often wish for a group of friends then I remind myself that I really do best with one on one. The conversation can go down interesting paths it just wouldn't in a group setting.

Them: ‘Did you watch Coronation Street last night?’
Me: ‘No, I don’t really watch tv’
Them: ‘Oh....... did you watch Call the Midwife at weekend then?’
Me: ‘No, I was probably reading’
Them: ‘Oh......... did I tell you what Jim’s next door neighbours grandson did?’
Me: Kill me now.

you just need to practice conversations then. there was plenty of opportunity there to steer the conversation any way you wanted. Say, after "probably reading" you could talk about the book you're reading, or ask if they're reading a good one.

And as for Jim's neighbours grandson - conversational convention would be "oh no, what?" then laugh/commiserate as appropriate and then offer up something yourself. Right now it's really easy "have you been offered a vaccine?" "wow, I'm looking forward to getting back to nearly normal" or whatever.

These little social conventions are how society greases it's own wheels.

I joined the ramblers once - to meet people and make friends but I don't tell a good story and don't much like talking about meself.
The women mostly, not all, talked incessantly - I had hoped to enjoy the wildlife etc but didn't get s chance. Men mostly walked alone except for rest times.
3 hours of non stop talking - exhausting.
I know it's not all women eg me but it can be too much

I’d rather eat my kidney with a spoon than talk about/watch a soap and I have like minded friends.

Sounds like me. My OH still comments on how little I talk. Apparently he’s never met a woman who doesn’t talk before (said tongue in cheek!)
I like quiet, I am poor at small talk, I find it hard to join in if the subject doesn’t interest me. Nothing wrong with me but I’d never date a talker!!

"‘Lucky that my breasts are small and humble
So you don't confuse them with mountains‘"

God yeah, I don't want to be confused with a mountain.

@knittingaddict

I'm going to totally contradict my previous post now. Having thought about it I find some groups of women more difficult than others. I used to belong to a hobby group and have decided not to go back after lockdown ends. I always come away feeling worse than when I went in and just don't fit in with them at all. It wasn't always like this, but gradually the people I clicked with have left and there's no one left who I relate to or who relates to me. I'm a square peg in a round hole and it's not worth the angst.

Maybe you could try other groups of people. I'm convinced my people are out there someone.

Also groups of people are hard for introverts. I am much happier having a one to one with someone, than trying to navigate the dynamics of a big group. I don't make myself do things that clearly aren't working for me.

If that's a knitting group, as indicated by your username, I can well believe it. Those groups have been making ripples well outside their user body if even I (who can't knit) have heard of it. The toxicity involved in what I'd assumed to be a gentle craft shared between like-minded people was beyond belief, particularly the trolling of Kate Davies. There was a serious attempt to ruin her knitting pattern business, and that after she'd already had one career destroyed owing to a stroke.

I've rarely seen such vitriol. It was horrible.

I was like this when I was younger. Later I realised I just needed to improve my social skills and I was actually interested in people, not everyone, obviously, but the more mundane stuff in their lives could actually be quite fascinating when you ask the right questions and can have input yourself.

So now I like the company of others but also enjoy spending time on my own and get energy from both. I don't think it's a good thing to declare "Ah, well, I'm an introvert, you see," or say "I'm just not interested in or good at that kind of talk." Just practice your social skills and it will come more easily and may actually be enjoyable.

interesting conversationalists

Ok..I think this sounds a bit snobby

@Gwenhwyfar

"‘Lucky that my breasts are small and humble So you don't confuse them with mountains‘"

God yeah, I don't want to be confused with a mountain.

Wrong thread but great post

You sound a bit like me. Not great with large groups and lots of chatter. I particularly identify with you saying you spend the whole time pretending to be normal. I feel that too. I always feel her alert and like I'm putting on a mask when having a convo

I'm now hoping that people in real life have lower standards than people on this thread because I'm not sure I can come up with the conversational goods consistently.

@Coronawireless

Why is it misogynistic to say “woman talk”? I think some people here don’t understand the term “misogynistic. Woman talk is more common amongst women. They talk about people rather than things. Men talk is more common amongst men. They talk about things rather than people. Neither is better than the other. It’s not an insult to say “woman talk”. It certainly isn’t misogynistic! - unless you think something preferred by women is automatically inferior? I prefer the male style of talking and I’m also an introvert so I hear you OP.

Eleanor Roosevelt must have been a misogynist according to MN.

This is why I love the internet because today I went on to a book thread , then a soap thread, now this! In real life I wouldn't know anytime who liked the same series of books that I do or would want to chat about Ben in Eastenders! It's all horses for courses isn't it?

Small talk is better being about the person : ask them about themselves, what floats their boat in life. It may evolve from there or it may not.
Some people are just boring. You'll always meet them. Mostly people can be fascinating. It's drilling down into the characters that can be fun or interesting, especially if you get a bit of give and take in the chit chat. The ones who can only talk about themselves are the most infuriating or turn it back on to them every single time. Some people are very unaware of how much this can be annoying! The self absorbed can be draining.
It's an art form small talk. I'm just not that good at it like I used to be !

most of my friends are male, i can assure you, they can gossip with the best of them!

You could be describing me. I'm so glad I'm not the only one. Thank fig so much for starting this thread!

NEWSFLASH(for some posters anyway):
Women and men are not exactly the same!!!
There is indeed plenty of overlap but there are also many differences.
Phew, I said it.
I know this will outrage some of you. And I’m willing to bet that the ones it will outrage are will be the very same type that the OP has difficulty relating to.

I’ve just searched your name OP

And you seem very at ease chewing the day over “trivial” stuff on mumsnet

Perhaps you just enjoy virtual chatter more than face to face?

chewing the fat

I totally get this OP! I'm a SAHM at the moment so only interact with other parents (mainly mothers) these days and I constantly feel a step behind in conversations. I do look at some of the women standing outside the school for 20 mins or so and wonder what on earth they could be talking about!

Similarly people who say they met a new best friend on holidays, on the school run or in a hobby group I can never relate to.

I find that in conversation with a lot of women you're expected to mirror what they do. So for example if it's raining they'll say it's a day for veging in front of Netflix. Nope I'd never do that, I prefer to be doing stuff. Or they'll say they put on weight in lockdown, sure what else can you do but eat. Nope, I lost weight because I watch what I eat and I started running a lot more. Whereas I think men would be more competitive or don't run themselves down as much. So will talk about the distance they might have run or a project they're doing in the garden.

When I did work in an office I found it easier to chat to the men than the women, conversation just flowed easier so I definitely think it's different.