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AIBU?

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Original poster

Can't do woman talk? Am I broken?

359 replies

viixie · 31/03/2021 13:39

Okay so I'm a grown woman but I just find small talk boring I've never felt like I've fit in.

I've just been for a walk with some female friends and I've always felt like I've never fit in with females. I've always felt like the odd one out. They will chat and gossip about people and work and their lives etc and I don't talk as much. I have always been the quieter one but I find this kind of small talk boring. I feel like I'm there because I have to be to try and seem normal rather than to enjoy myself. It's an effort for me to try and fit in in this conversation. I am aware they are probably doing 70% of the chat and I'm meeting them back with 30% if you see what I mean. If I'm in a group of people I will let the others do most of the talking, I find it draining and uninteresting. Of course I pretend to be interested and try to involve myself but inside I find it draining. I'd rather be at home, I much prefer one on one company where I will then feel comfortable being myself and having a chat. I feel like I never really let anyone know or see the real me unless it's someone close like my partner or close family. I feel I am never fully relaxed or myself with anyone else.

Am I broken? Anyone else?

OP posts:
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5
Fembot123 · 31/03/2021 16:43

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

You don’t have a lady brain so must be trapped in the wrong body - transition now!

It's rigid stereotypes that have led to this confused, completely nebulous gobbledygook about 'Gender Identity', IMO. It's also the reason I've always strenuously resisted them.

Which makes me gender non-conforming. Which means ...

Head. Desk, Thump.

I would have assumed this poster was joking..
tangerinelollipop · 31/03/2021 16:44

Same with social media, it’s all selfies and virtue signalling and hunning

Yes. Vile stuff

Fembot123 · 31/03/2021 16:44

What do you bring to the table conversationally?

Thenose · 31/03/2021 16:44

Be grateful others enjoy gossiping; it's the foundation of a successful society. If we didn't gossip, we couldn't hope to learn the nuances of our society's expectations for our behaviour.

I'm autistic, and I love gossiping. I'm much more interested in people than things.

tangerinelollipop · 31/03/2021 16:45

What do you bring to the table conversationally?

There's no need for nastiness

stackemhigh · 31/03/2021 16:46

It reminds me of Shakira ‘whenever, wherever song:

‘Lucky I have strong legs like my mother
To run for cover when I need it’

‘Lucky that my breasts are small and humble
So you don't confuse them with mountains‘

BaileysforBreakfast · 31/03/2021 16:47

Why don't you just socialise with people whose conversation interests you? Isn't a bit much dismissing 50% of the population's conversation as 'boring small talk'? Women don't all talk about the same stuff. I find your OP sexist TBH.

MimiDaisy11 · 31/03/2021 16:48

I can relate to what you say and it's quite like me.

I know you've had a few comments pull you up on saying "women talk" as obviously not all women are the same. However, there are a few topics of conversation which are much more prevalent in groups of women than men. I was in a group chat at a previous work and most of the women would spend a lot of the time talking diets and soap operas which I have zero interest in. I know plenty of other women don't either but perhaps it's just my luck but I've been in groups like that before where you feel distanced from the other women as you've nothing to contribute to the topics.

Naunet · 31/03/2021 16:49

Seems like a good time to say NAWALT

Macncheeseballs · 31/03/2021 16:49

Sorry your mates aren't more entertaining!

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 31/03/2021 16:49

Good post Iwantanap.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 31/03/2021 16:50

I would have assumed this poster was joking...

I would have thought it pretty obvious I did. As was I!

Cowbells · 31/03/2021 16:50

I agree it's definitely not a 'women' thing. DH used to go drinking with dads from school and complained they only talked about football and cars. He longed to talk about more interesting (to him) things.

lazylinguist · 31/03/2021 16:52

Why don't you just socialise with people whose conversation interests you?

That's not necessarily easy to do. I know plenty of intelligent women who are interesting conversationalists, but most are either relatives or university friends I've known for 30 years, all of whom live hundreds of miles away.

knittingaddict · 31/03/2021 16:52

I don't know op. I think you got off to a pretty terrible start by classifying "woman talk" as trivial. One would almost suspect goadiness.

My husband actually prefers talking with women because they talk about real down to earth stuff and aren't afraid to say how they feel. He thinks the range of topics is often more varied and interesting than the ones he has with other men. He's not really into sport or cars, so that's probably why he finds some men boring.

To be honest I'm a tad uncomfortable with a woman coming on here and generalising about other women. Not in a good way either. Hmm

CuriousSeal · 31/03/2021 16:53

I'm an introvert and I find group small talk challenging. I'm a new mum and I hang out with an NCT group. I have to make a real effort to get past the small talk stage and get to know each individual person. I meet as many of the mums seperately as I can to do this, as conversation does tend to be more 'generic' in groups. Now when I'm together with the group I tend to ask follow up questions on specific subjects rather than doing too much small talk. Small talk still happens though of course!

I've never been friends with a group of females before, and it was quite scary at first but it got easier. I still have days where I feel like the odd one out, but I think lots of people do. The reason people do small talk is because it's inclusive. It's hard to ask specific questions that everyone can respond to.

I think the reason women do more small talk is that there generally more eagerness to make the entire group feel included in conversation. I've noticed mainly male groups tend to be happy to chat about topics that don't interest everyone.

WiseOwlOne · 31/03/2021 16:54

Geez, dont mean to be unkind but a blanket attribution to women that their conversation is trivial 😮😵😥
Im not warming to you.

Do you find men's conversation about football, golf, rugby, the garden, their car more tolerable?

Gwenhwyfar · 31/03/2021 16:54

@mishmash13

Maybe you just need to find a group of people that talk about things that actually interest you? I think being quiet in a group of people you like is fine but being bored/disinterested suggests that you are... bored and disinterested!
I think I disagree with that. Even with people who are into really deep conversations there has to be a bit of small talk sometimes, as an opener and you will always be bored with some conversations. I think what's happening here is that the group was too large for OP to be able to steer the conversation towards things that interest her.
HowAboutAH0tCupOfShutTheHellUp · 31/03/2021 16:54

@CounsellorTroi

I find the same OP. In a mixed group I often find myself genuinely more interested in what the men are talking about. I enjoy one on one chats with my female friends more than groups.
Exactly the same as me. I have some amazing female friends and we have great discussions, but I avoid certain groups of women as I find their conversations so utterly shallow, boastful and competitive.
PixelatedLunchbox · 31/03/2021 16:55

@viixie have you ever done an enneagram test? I am similar to you and suspect you may be a certain enneagram type. Doing the test, reading the description of your results could give you a whole new perspective. It's free and you may find it interesting. (PS. There is nothing wrong with you!) www.truity.com/test/enneagram-personality-test

ExpulsoCorona · 31/03/2021 16:55

I think you were a clumsy to use the term 'woman talk' but think I know what you mean. I think you may be an introvert but also may benefit from having a read about how autism presents in females because it may help you. If it doesn't help, I apologise, I don't mean to say anything here to offend.

BananaBreakfast · 31/03/2021 16:56

I'm having a drawn out version of this conversation with my teenage daughter. We are both full members of Team Sukhareva, which does make socialising difficult. However, I have actually worked out the following points:

  1. Small talk is really important because it is a way of confirming that you belong in a group. It has other valuable functions such as while you are chit-chatting, you find out about practical stuff eg "the road is closed for 7 days from tonight", and big emotional stuff eg you notice your friend's voice is all wobbly and when you ask about her kids she blinks away tears which is your cue to guess her twat of an ex is being worse than usual this week and check if she needs help or a hug.
  2. Men do small talk as well as women. I know they do because I've worked in a lot of jobs where I'm the only woman. Beards and beers can get quite tedious too. (Unless you happen to love beer and have a beard.) But we've also chit-chatted for hours about bikes and concrete (I do like a nice bit of concrete).
  3. When men and women talk to each other, they often don't chit-chat. Which might make the conversation more fun, especially if there is a bit of flirting going on; or more practical, if both want to signal that they are absolutely not flirting so this is pure info exchange.
Gwenhwyfar · 31/03/2021 16:56

"Why don’t you talk about subjects you find interesting then?"

It doesn't sound like she has control of the conversation. You don't always get a free choice in a group.

Fembot123 · 31/03/2021 16:56

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

I would have assumed this poster was joking...

I would have thought it pretty obvious I did. As was I!

Yeah right!!
Fembot123 · 31/03/2021 16:58

@tangerinelollipop

What do you bring to the table conversationally?

There's no need for nastiness

🤨 You’re reaching there.
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