Can't do woman talk? Am I broken?

[viixie]

Okay so I'm a grown woman but I just find small talk boring I've never felt like I've fit in.

I've just been for a walk with some female friends and I've always felt like I've never fit in with females. I've always felt like the odd one out. They will chat and gossip about people and work and their lives etc and I don't talk as much. I have always been the quieter one but I find this kind of small talk boring. I feel like I'm there because I have to be to try and seem normal rather than to enjoy myself. It's an effort for me to try and fit in in this conversation. I am aware they are probably doing 70% of the chat and I'm meeting them back with 30% if you see what I mean. If I'm in a group of people I will let the others do most of the talking, I find it draining and uninteresting. Of course I pretend to be interested and try to involve myself but inside I find it draining. I'd rather be at home, I much prefer one on one company where I will then feel comfortable being myself and having a chat. I feel like I never really let anyone know or see the real me unless it's someone close like my partner or close family. I feel I am never fully relaxed or myself with anyone else.

Am I broken? Anyone else?

@Potpourriandpennysweets well said.

@TatianaBis

"Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people.”

Except of course that great novelists and dramatists basically discuss people.

That's a great point. They talk about the human condition which can be anything from the existential angst of death, to difficult family relationships. These are the things that matter and the things people relate to.

I think the pp had it spot on when she parodied the introvert vs extravert discussion. I think the conversation borders on sexism and sexist stereotypes rather than out and out misogyny. As in, it's not the people the OP is meeting who happen to be women, it's because they are women. That's why people have taken umbrage as she is lumping a whole sex in with each other, when of course, that's not true at all.

@morgoth
I might have come across a bit pompous.
This has been an interesting thread. Some of the best posts have been from the self-confessed “small talkers” who have defused the tension and come across as funny and warm. In other words, small talk is definitely a skill and if some of us feel uncomfortable with it it’s not because we feel superior - quite the reverse! We’re all too aware of how we must come across in comparison. Like some pps I’ve found things improving with age and the need to put myself out there because of the DC.

Love island is an interesting social study.

How could anyone not find this fascinating? TW includes reference to Brexit, a discussion on what that was and also some fascinating facts about European geography.

@LibertyMole

‘I’m sure all of this is reflected in the typical male vs female conversation. Both types are valid. Many women and men are outliers and prefer the other way.’

Women who draw pictures of functioning bicycles or study music are not outliers.

But maybe I just understand what an outlier is because I secretly have a ‘man’ brain.

In the study they were outliers.

@dworky

A problem with internalised misogyny is what you have.

This.

Man talk is no better. Football. Cars. DIY. Golf. Cooking. Gadgets. Holidays.

Bottom line: a lot of people are boring.

Apologies, forgot to include the geographical discussion. Should be right up your street OP.

‘In the study they were outliers.’

Link to the study then please.

Rebecca Lawson carried out a study on this and while non expert men made fewer mistakes than non expert women on average, women who could complete the task were certainly not outliers!

[quote Coronawireless]@morgoth
I might have come across a bit pompous.
This has been an interesting thread. Some of the best posts have been from the self-confessed “small talkers” who have defused the tension and come across as funny and warm. In other words, small talk is definitely a skill and if some of us feel uncomfortable with it it’s not because we feel superior - quite the reverse! We’re all too aware of how we must come across in comparison. Like some pps I’ve found things improving with age and the need to put myself out there because of the DC.[/quote]
No worries! Social interactions and differences are always a difficult thing to navigate through or pick apart. It’s a web of so many factors that come into play.

Like you said, you need those people who can start off conversations. Diffusing uncomfortable situations or silences, making people feel at ease and helping to break the ice with warmth (through albeit banal conversation) is actually a good and probably intelligent life skill to have. I read that Barack Obama was very good at this - making new people around him feel very comfortable quickly by warmly talking about something trivial.

And of course nobody who meets anybody new for the very first time will immediately jump into serious conversation. We all naturally gradually increase the intimacy, familiarity, depth and variety of our conversations either the longer we are talking to someone or the more frequently we see and talk to them.

Which still does puzzle me why OP would describe what her good friends talk about as ‘small talk’. Small talk to me is something that you usually do with unfamiliar people to break the ice using safe topics of conversation (weather, locality, travel etc.) OR something you do at the beginning of meeting a good friend as an exchange of pleasantries for a small amount of time before you launch into more intimate conversations. I think she might be using the word small talk for (what she deems) superficial talk.

You're not broken you're just someone who can't fake it without taking the fakeness to heart.

Apologies.
49% of women could draw the chain compared to 75% of men.
So not outliers then. But still a difference.

But OP why do you go on these group walks if you don’t like them?!

Why should we have to fake it to any huge extent?

I will make as much small talk as it takes not to offend, but I prefer to lead an authentic life.
I try not to spend large periods of time making banal converastion with anyone.
Should I force myself?
How authentic is that way to lead a life?

I don't think it's inauthentic to make other people feel comfortable and happy. Not unless you don't want them to feel comfortable and happy, in which case I guess that would be inauthentic

The people that must be brilliant at small talk is the Royal family! All those people they have to pretend to like and care about. Thank god the weather is so unpredictable in the UK.
Maybe that's why Meghan bailed out. She clearly wanted to discuss high brow matters or politics , not the rain!

My Dad abhorred small talk - he didn't waste his breath on it and he objected to anyone else doing so when he was within earshot. He had an infinite supply of large, deep, heavyweight subjects to hold forth at you about instead, though - this was a lecture, rather than a conversation - he wasn't interested in what you thought unless he was correcting you.
I really struggled with social chit chat for years as l had no idea how to do it because it didn't happen at home, and my Dad's voice in my head was telling me it was all vapid nonsense anyway. I used to go clubbing a lot at college and when l was speeding all my inhibitions evaporated and l could talk to anyone about anything. This was a real eye-opener, it felt so nice! As other people have pointed out, chat oils the wheels, in transactional analysis terms it's giving and receiving strokes. I've since made it a bit of a mission to try and learn how to have a conversation properly, rather than either sitting in silence or monologuing away at people. I'm much happier for it, even if Mrs R would write me off ...
I don't agree with the women-talk-trivia-men-are-more-interesting thing, either. Some blokes are dull as ditchwater, and some women are too - it's not a gendered separation, it's just people.

@Freyaismyname

Goggle about women masking. I've done it all my life

Me too! I just don’t get small talk, but I can mask well even though I find it very draining . I hate going to the hairdresser for this reason and usually just pretend I’ve fallen asleep. I would imagine some hairdressers must also find it draining too. As was mentioned on the Introvert thread, there are certainly cultural differences regarding small talk.

Female whats?

'Women talk' nice internalised misogyny

@IndecentFeminist

What is woman chat? Do you struggle with man chat?

This ^ Very sexist aren't you?

I mean you say they gossip about people.

That doesn't sound like fun.

I speak to people if they're having interesting conversations. Lots of chat recently about the vaccines, also talk about electric vehicles as I've just got one, some talk about the housing market. Stuff that interests me. I have no interest in gossiping

I also hate "small talk". When I go to the hairdressers I don't want to talk. I like to chill out and sit in silence. I don't want to talk about trivial stuff - I find it boring and exhausting

I could have written this. I once googled “I find small talk boring” to find out what was wrong with me and discovered that I’m an introvert. I’ve had to learn to interact at work and say things like “What are you having for lunch today?” when I really don’t care and don’t understand their endless fascination with what everyone’s eating! Fortunately I play music and get together with some friends to practice, which involves an interaction that I love and not so much talking. Result 😀

‘Apologies.
49% of women could draw the chain compared to 75% of men.
So not outliers then. But still a difference.’

And that was among non-cyclists.

Overall, about 70% of women and 85% can draw a picture of a functioning bicycle.

Even if it had only been 50%, do you not think that you must be working under an enormously sexist set of assumptions if you think that women who can draw an everyday functioning object are such a tiny minority that they are outliers?

85% of men, sorry.

If it helps at all, I actually don't think many people - women or men - are having eloquent and coherent exchanges on worldly and sophisticated matters that often. Most conversations are more on the Creature Comforts level than the Question Time level.

I've met many boring men in my time!
My brothers are obsessed with football. I can't get on board with that at all as I know nothing.
Once it turns to this subject I have to just hope it doesn't go on too long!

I enjoy a chat with my hairdresser ( when are they opening up ?) she is nice and very well informed about everything. We chat about the news and life and things. She is very pleasant and kind and despite the big age difference we get on!