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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The elephant in the room

149 replies

Gladimnotamillenial · 30/03/2021 22:28

I’ve not had sex with my Dp since before I was pregnant, I can’t even remember the last time, Dd is two and a half. Is this normal? I’m guessing not 🤷🏻‍♀️Dd is still in with us, I still bf at night, I had a prolapse last year, I can’t imagine ever having sex again. We don’t mention it, ever. I mean, where and when would we even do it, Dp tried once when Dd was asleep, I said I was on my period.
Has anyone else been in this situation?

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Original poster
Gladimnotamillenial · 30/03/2021 22:33

For context, we’ve been together a v long time and spent years doing fertility treatments and ivf. For me, the prolapse is definitely the thing making me scared to do anything. I also had stitches etc too after my birth, I dread to think what it’s even like down there, it’s like a different body,

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ARoseDowntown · 30/03/2021 22:38

Normal, typical, what other people do isn’t the point.

You need to feel okay with your body. Having DD in your bed at night doesn’t preclude sex, but it probably doesn’t help.

Why aren’t you talking about it? Perhaps you’re both fine with it, perhaps he’s building up resentment, perhaps you will change your mind in time. Who knows. You need to communicate. It’s doesn’t have to be an issue, but the trouble is that you don’t know that it isn’t. Not talking to your husband/partner about the sexual side of your relationship isn’t healthy.

Original poster
Gladimnotamillenial · 30/03/2021 22:45

@ARoseDowntown I really don’t want to at this present time (hoping that will change in the future) so don’t really want to bring it up/address it 🤷🏻‍♀️I’m guessing because he hasn’t, perhaps he’s ok with it, it’s like life is just far too hectic and time has flown by.

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Original poster
Gladimnotamillenial · 30/03/2021 22:46

I’m just wondering if this is common after having a child..for this amount of time though

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LouiseTrees · 30/03/2021 22:46

I agree with the poster above. I also had tears through birth (post ivf) but luckily no prolapse. However I do think it’s unhealthy to just assume he’ll be happy with never having sex again or that he won’t accept your new body.

Original poster
Gladimnotamillenial · 30/03/2021 22:48

@LouiseTrees The prolapse has ruined things for me as I’ve no idea how things would be and I basically just don’t feel sexual at all

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LouiseTrees · 30/03/2021 22:48

And yes it’s common for it to be a while before people feel confident enough but 2.5 years no! Plus please don’t assume he’s okay with it just because he loves you too much to say something.

Original poster
Gladimnotamillenial · 30/03/2021 22:50

@LouiseTrees I really think if he was that bothered, he’d bring it up, it seems like having a child has just removed that side of things

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UnderHisAye · 30/03/2021 22:50

FYI when I went to see a physio about my prolapse, she said regular sex would be good for it. I guess it sort of, er, whacks everything back up where it needs to be Grin

My DH said he'd never noticed anything which is either true, a lie told out of kindness, or proof that we don't have enough sex either.

FWIW we didn't have sex often when our kids were little. I felt too wrapped up in 'body' stuff all day with nappy changes, snotty noses etc. Bodies were not for sex at that point in my life.

LouiseTrees · 30/03/2021 22:51

[quote Gladimnotamillenial]@LouiseTrees The prolapse has ruined things for me as I’ve no idea how things would be and I basically just don’t feel sexual at all[/quote]
I get that I totally do. Even just the ivf does that because it changes the psyche around the act . Have you sought treatment for the prolapse - exercises, hormones, pessaries surgery ? or for its mental side affects like counselling?

mynameiscalypso · 30/03/2021 22:52

@Gladimnotamillenial

I’m just wondering if this is common after having a child..for this amount of time though
It took us a long time - neither of us felt comfortable while DS was in the room with us and he didn't move into his own room until 9 months. A year on and we're both so knackered that it's still a rare thing. It is what it is. We both value sleep more than sex at this point in our lives!
LouiseTrees · 30/03/2021 22:53

[quote Gladimnotamillenial]@LouiseTrees I really think if he was that bothered, he’d bring it up, it seems like having a child has just removed that side of things[/quote]
Also true. Having a young kid does remove and distract but what about when they are more independent will you grow apart, will he resent it then? I mean he might not but I would want to get to a mental place to improve things gradually.

Original poster
Gladimnotamillenial · 30/03/2021 22:54

@LouiseTrees I was given progesterone cream and just told it would be fine as long as I made sure not to get constipated (sorry tmi!) generally its not too bad, I definitely feel like I have a different body, I had no worries before having Dd

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Original poster
Gladimnotamillenial · 30/03/2021 22:55

@UnderHisAye Did yours go? Does it just go/get better?

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Original poster
Gladimnotamillenial · 30/03/2021 22:56

@mynameiscalypso That’s the thing, there’s no way it will happen with Dd there, I just couldn’t, but she’ll be in her own room by summer and part of me is dreading it a little as I don’t know if it means getting back into it, I really don’t feel like it at present

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Original poster
Gladimnotamillenial · 30/03/2021 22:59

@LouiseTrees I know, I’d hate for it to get too far that it just sort of disappears. I don’t feel any resentment from him..but can most average guys go that long without? I remember years ago, we wouldn’t go longer than a week! It had faded off a little before I got pregnant but obviously not to this extent

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UnderHisAye · 30/03/2021 23:03

Yeah it doesn't bother me much now. I do a lot of covert exercises every night lying watching TV Grin

I really feel for you. We are still not great at doing it 'enough' whatever that is. But whenever we do, we both recognise how much happier we are, and say WHY don't we do that more often!

The longer you go without it, the more awkward it becomes. I think you need to grit your teeth and have a conversation; it's a cop out to say that if he was bothered he'd mention it, when you havent mentioned it either.

Original poster
Gladimnotamillenial · 30/03/2021 23:03

We’ve also both been suffering long term effects of covid for nearly a year, so are really burnt out! I wonder if we’ll ever feel carefree and bothered to do it!

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mynameiscalypso · 30/03/2021 23:03

[quote Gladimnotamillenial]@mynameiscalypso That’s the thing, there’s no way it will happen with Dd there, I just couldn’t, but she’ll be in her own room by summer and part of me is dreading it a little as I don’t know if it means getting back into it, I really don’t feel like it at present[/quote]
If you and DH are both happy, then that's absolutely fine. I have no knowledge of prolapses but it looks like you've got some good advice from other posters which will hopefully help a bit but please don't stress about the sex thing.

LouiseTrees · 30/03/2021 23:03

Don’t worry. The good guys ( let’s not call them average given the journeys they’ve been through with us) can go that long without. But my point is don’t rest on assuming he is okay.

2bazookas · 30/03/2021 23:04

[quote Gladimnotamillenial]@LouiseTrees The prolapse has ruined things for me as I’ve no idea how things would be and I basically just don’t feel sexual at all[/quote]
Have you had your prolapse surgically repaired?

Original poster
Gladimnotamillenial · 30/03/2021 23:05

@UnderHisAye That’s the thing, maybe neither of us is that bothered?

So yours got better? Sorry for tmi, but you didn’t notice a difference when having sex? I could cry for my old body

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NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 30/03/2021 23:07

I found that breastfeeding massively reduced my sex drive. It makes sense that it does, your body knows its still caring for the last baby so it won't rush you to get started on the next. The hormones related to bf also make your prolapse worse.

It was about 6m after finishing bf both my two before a) I felt properly up for it and b) my prolapse improved hugely.

BUT I didn't just stop having sex. And I had i would have talked to DH about it.

I made the effort to ensure we still managed it once or twice a month, because I love DH, I wanted to feel close with him and I don't think its sustainable for a married couple to just not have sex for years.

Midlifelady · 30/03/2021 23:07

No not common. I think you need to get yourself sorted. We had sex after three weeks. Baby was not in with us though - they've always had their own rooms. I couldn't imagine two and a half years. I'm not suggesting you fo it if you don't feel ready, but I think its unusual to be with a partner and not have sex for this long. It doesn't have to be penetrative- just enjoying yourselves in a physical way (and it doesn't have to be in your bedroom if your baby is there).

UnderHisAye · 30/03/2021 23:08

No I don't noticed it having sex at all. I never did so maybe mine was mild? I don't know really. Sometimes I have felt it come out but it's been better with the exercises.

Maybe neither of you are bothered, but I think that still need a bit of a conversation. Can you just say 'look, we both know it's not been happening but with the prolapse etc I feel weird, so can we take it off the table for a while until I feel comfortable' ?

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