Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The elephant in the room

149 replies

Gladimnotamillenial · 30/03/2021 22:28

I’ve not had sex with my Dp since before I was pregnant, I can’t even remember the last time, Dd is two and a half. Is this normal? I’m guessing not 🤷🏻‍♀️Dd is still in with us, I still bf at night, I had a prolapse last year, I can’t imagine ever having sex again. We don’t mention it, ever. I mean, where and when would we even do it, Dp tried once when Dd was asleep, I said I was on my period.
Has anyone else been in this situation?

OP posts:
Imnotbent · 30/03/2021 23:50

I wouldn’t focus on him going elsewhere that will just make you feel more insecure and knock your confidence, but do try to communicate with him.

My body is different, my nipples are huge from breastfeeding, I have stretch marks and my skin on my stomach will never be taught again, my lady bits are scarred, but my body grew, delivered and nurtured babies, childbirth is brutal, I’m amazing. You are too, don’t doubt yourself.

Original poster
Gladimnotamillenial · 30/03/2021 23:51

@Oblahdeeoblahdoe We struggled for years to conceive and had Dd at 40, so we’re not young, young really.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gladimnotamillenial · 30/03/2021 23:53

@Hobgoblinz I’d say it had petered off in the last few years before I got pregnant, possibly once a month or so, but for years was at least every week/two weeks

OP posts:
Gumandbass · 30/03/2021 23:54

I would definitely be having a conversation with him about it. He might not be 'ok' with it but doesn't want to risk pushing the issue. If you are wanting to change the situation, I would get your dd out of the bed & that way at least you can get some intimacy back & work from there.

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/03/2021 23:56

I went about 4 years in my first marriage, and I left as a result. I tried to talk about it but was shut down. I thought that it had left me with no sex drive of my own, but it when I met someone that rang my bell, it came flooding back. Frankly, the more you have the more you want. The less you have, the less you want to the point of thinking you will never want sex again.

So yes, he could go elsewhere if he meets someone who he fancies and reawakens his desire. I didnt leave for someone else, but when I left and met someone else I became accutely aware that it could have happened at any point in the previous 4 years and I could well have had an affair. I think its more due to luck that I didnt.

Dangermouse80 · 30/03/2021 23:58

It has just been difficult because of the time that has passed. Stop the breastfeeding and you will find desire comes back.
I was the same and didn't have sex till 12 months after giving birth. For me breastfeeding meant zero desire. When I naturally stopped due to returning to work I found everything much better.
The fact you have recognised it as an issue means you are ready to confront it and deal with the issue. I am sure your husband is sad and wants to resume things but probably cares too much to confront the issue in case he upsets you. Just take things slowly, the past year and covid will have made things much more troublesome.

BurbageBrook · 31/03/2021 00:02

OP it doesn’t sound ridiculous but it does sound you definitely need to ease back into being intimate with each other then. Perhaps things like romance, massages etc first and then graduate to touching... you definitely do need to have a conversation with your DP though to find out how he feels about it all and to discuss your ‘strategy’ I think going forwards. You can work it through as a team hopefully. It’s not all on you.

BlackMarauder · 31/03/2021 00:03

3 years is a long time. Please don't assume he's okay without any kind of intimacy for so long. He might be fine with it (unlikely) or he might not. You and he have serious communication issues if this hasn't been addressed by either of you.
How many times do women write here shocked that their husband has cheated and after drip feed admit that the marriage has been sexless for years. They assumed their husband was fine with it because he never brought it up. Either address this now or risk having your marriage end later.

Original poster
Gladimnotamillenial · 31/03/2021 00:08

@BlackMarauder That makes me feel pretty shit

OP posts:
BooomShakeTheRoom · 31/03/2021 00:13

Breastfeeding can decrease sex drive. But no, I think 2.5 years is probably longer than for most couples.

BlackMarauder · 31/03/2021 00:13

[quote Gladimnotamillenial]@BlackMarauder That makes me feel pretty shit[/quote]
Apologies if my reply came across as cruel. I genuinely didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I just wanted to warn you of the worst that could happen. Your husband could very well be content with the way things are, but you'll never know if you guys don't talk about it.

relaxingforme · 31/03/2021 00:20

Many women have stitches and recover back to normal" it's the worry of the first experience after baby.. well 2.5yrs that's a long time.
A sexless relationship is screaming resentment, insecurities between you both and a tinder profile for casual sex.
Seriously men need and want sexual relations, the talking is both of you together.
If your not doing it should you be talking about it? Your child's a toddler you have a lot of things to work together on parenting decision wise as it is let alone supporting each other
Rant over.

Original poster
Gladimnotamillenial · 31/03/2021 00:20

@BlackMarauder No it’s ok, you’re right, I am curious as to how he’s not mentioned it bothering him (if it does) I do get paranoid at times he’ll go elsewhere

OP posts:
Original poster
Gladimnotamillenial · 31/03/2021 00:23

@relaxingforme Raht? Are you ranting at me?

No it wasn’t really the stitches, it was the prolapse that has really knocked me and then both being ill on and off for the last year..it’s just all felt pretty crap

I hope he hasn’t got a casual sex tinder profile

OP posts:
Starborn · 31/03/2021 00:23

Do you still tell him you love him? Does he say it to you?

Ivy455 · 31/03/2021 00:24

OP is it a bladder prolapse? I have one too after having my daughter two and a half years ago. We first had sex at five weeks pp when the prolapse was still really bad and he still swears he couldn't feel any difference. I did pelvic floor exercises nonstop until she was seven months old and I'm qy
quite muscular down there now. There is stlll a bit of a lump where the prolapse is and I can't use tampons anymore but I can live with it. I have scar tissue from my episiotomy too which does bother me. My vagina is very different now and I don't have much confidence in my post baby body but we do have sex about 3-4 times a month. My advice would be to actually talk about it with your husband. Tell him how you feel about it and when the time does come for you to do it again don't put pressure on yourself or expect it to be amazing. Just try to have fun and enjoy connecting with him and maybe have a couple glasses of wine first!

Original poster
Gladimnotamillenial · 31/03/2021 00:25

@relaxingforme We work well together on communicating etc for our Dd, it’s mainly what we talk about, she’s our priority

OP posts:
Original poster
Gladimnotamillenial · 31/03/2021 00:27

@Ivy455 No it’s from behind, I can’t remember the name of it sorry 🙈it’s not bladder

OP posts:
partyatthepalace · 31/03/2021 00:28

It’s all very understandable. Two and a half years is a long time though, and I don’t think you can assume your DP is entirely happy with it, he might be, but I think it’s worth having a conversation about it, so you know how you both feel. It’s not like you have to leap into action, and when and if you do it doesn’t have to be penetrative.

Original poster
Gladimnotamillenial · 31/03/2021 00:28

@Starborn Sometimes we say it but not very often at all..

OP posts:
mynameiscalypso · 31/03/2021 00:30

I find it very depressing that so many people seem to think it's expected / understandable that a man would cheat in these circumstances. Sure some might use it as an excuse but men can have lower sex drives and be perfectly happy without sex on a regular basis!

Ivy455 · 31/03/2021 00:31

Well I don't know much about rectal prolapses but seriously talk to your partner about it! The longer it goes on the worse it will feel. I really do sympathise cause I know it's hard coming to terms with your body changing.

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/03/2021 00:48

[quote Gladimnotamillenial]@relaxingforme We work well together on communicating etc for our Dd, it’s mainly what we talk about, she’s our priority[/quote]
I am going to try and say this as kindly as I can but.....sorry if it sounds harsh.

Is she both your priority, is it all you both talk about? Or is she your priority and all you talk about?

After 9 years of trying, and fact that the treatments you had were mainly about you taking the physical toll (which is harsh) followed by pregnancy and birth, it is understandable that you are so focussed on her. But does he initiate these conversations above a "how was X today?". Does he try to talk about other things or do you have a tendency to make all the talk about her?

Be honest. Analyse your conversations, how they start, how much of a conversation it actually is as opposed to one person talking and the other joining in in a "Hmm......yes ok...." kind of way.

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/03/2021 00:53

And I dont mean that he doesnt see her as a priority but that perhaps he doesnt see her as being the only priority.

Nancydrawn · 31/03/2021 01:10

OP, I think there are a few things at play here. Not feeling comfortable with having penetrative vaginal sex is different than having no sexual contact or not saying I love you. The former is perhaps explainable by your medical situation, the latter is further afield. Do you have nonsexual physical intimacy, e.g. holding hands, being close on the couch, hugging, etc?

Swipe left for the next trending thread