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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The elephant in the room

149 replies

Gladimnotamillenial · 30/03/2021 22:28

I’ve not had sex with my Dp since before I was pregnant, I can’t even remember the last time, Dd is two and a half. Is this normal? I’m guessing not 🤷🏻‍♀️Dd is still in with us, I still bf at night, I had a prolapse last year, I can’t imagine ever having sex again. We don’t mention it, ever. I mean, where and when would we even do it, Dp tried once when Dd was asleep, I said I was on my period.
Has anyone else been in this situation?

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Original poster
Gladimnotamillenial · 30/03/2021 23:08

@2bazookas No, when they examined me, they just gave me progesterone cream and I asked if it would ‘Go’ I knew nothing about them then, and they said it would be ok if I wasn’t constipated etc (sorry tmi!) sometimes it’s better but still not the way I was if that makes sense. I wasn’t sure whether to go for surgery

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Lockheart · 30/03/2021 23:09

You desperately need to communicate with each other. Bring it up in a totally platonic non-bedroom situation. Write things you want to say down if you're worried you'll forget them or stumble.

If it's giving you this much anxiety I'd recommend seeking help from a sexual therapist, if your DP is happy and a good communicator then on your own, but if not then as a couple might be useful too. There are also lots of self-help books out there, some specifically for women who are struggling with birth injuries or resume, which could help if you can't face seeing a therapist.

Whatever you do though, don't just ignore it and hope it will go away if it's making you this unhappy.

PixelatedLunchbox · 30/03/2021 23:10

[quote Gladimnotamillenial]@LouiseTrees I know, I’d hate for it to get too far that it just sort of disappears. I don’t feel any resentment from him..but can most average guys go that long without? I remember years ago, we wouldn’t go longer than a week! It had faded off a little before I got pregnant but obviously not to this extent[/quote]
I think a lot of non-sexual people think that because their partner doesn't talk about it they are somehow okay with it. In my experience, that is seldom true.

Imnotbent · 30/03/2021 23:10

Is there a reason you didn’t have sex while pregnant and has your prolapse been treated? The fear can be worse than the reality. Most importantly you need to talk about it, even if you say let’s talk about intimacy and / or sex, it may sound blunt but hopefully it will start the conversation. Perhaps your afraid to start the conversation in case your DP says he wants it and you will feel under pressure?

I had stitches and much later a prolapse, depends on the degree of prolapse but mine did not make sex painful in fact TMI Blush having penetrative sex seems to tuck it all back in place. We know that not everyone needs sex but start with some treatment if needed, and some intimacy, take it slow, some lubricant, but talk to each other.

AliceMcK · 30/03/2021 23:17

Yes it’s normal, but you definitely need to address it with him. Maybe he is fine with it, maybe not and he’s trying to do the right thing and not pressure you. Over 3 years is a very long time even for the most patient of men. My DH never pressures me and I think the longest we’ve gone is 9months. I had a prolapse too so know it can be scary. Also when you’ve not done it for a while you kind of feel you don’t need or want it. But once you get on the bike again you realise how much you’ve missed it.

You definitely need to speak to him and see how he’s feeling too and make sure he knows your feelings.

Original poster
Gladimnotamillenial · 30/03/2021 23:17

@Imnotbent I’m trying to remember if we actually did whilst I was pregnant or if it was just before. It’s possible we may have whilst I was but definitely not often, I’m not sure, I was possibly not keen as it had taken 9 years to get to that point (full pregnancy) so I was likely cautious about everything.
I’ve had no treatment for it, it was a year ago but didn’t follow it up after they gave me the progesterone cream as covid hit soon afterwards and I’ve just been sort of living with it since. It is much better than it was at first though.

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LouiseTrees · 30/03/2021 23:19

@Imnotbent

Is there a reason you didn’t have sex while pregnant and has your prolapse been treated? The fear can be worse than the reality. Most importantly you need to talk about it, even if you say let’s talk about intimacy and / or sex, it may sound blunt but hopefully it will start the conversation. Perhaps your afraid to start the conversation in case your DP says he wants it and you will feel under pressure?

I had stitches and much later a prolapse, depends on the degree of prolapse but mine did not make sex painful in fact TMI Blush having penetrative sex seems to tuck it all back in place. We know that not everyone needs sex but start with some treatment if needed, and some intimacy, take it slow, some lubricant, but talk to each other.

I’m going to cover the first question from my perspective. Many people who have ivf are petrified of doing anything to harm the baby while they are pregnant. Irrational or not. It’s pretty commonplace from what I read on the pregnant through ivf boards for no sex during pregnancy.
Tistheseason17 · 30/03/2021 23:23

My DH and I go ages in between - we're just too bloody knackered- BUT we talk sbout it and spend a lot of time hand holding,kissing, cuddling. Intimacy is not just sex and we still fancy each other loads. Gotta work for both of you - very different if one of you wants sex more frequently.

Imnotbent · 30/03/2021 23:23

Sorry I just read you have some cream. Do you feel the prolapse or is it back in place? I understand the toilet thing, mine has definitely dropped if I have been constipated and strained too hard. That’s the only time I can feel it though and it pushes back up easily. But mine may be mild, I was offered treatment if it bothered me or caused problems. As for the stitches I had sex as soon as they healed, yes it looked a bit different but so did other parts of my body after childbirth.

Original poster
Gladimnotamillenial · 30/03/2021 23:23

@AliceMcK Did your prolapse go/get better? Does it ever go back to normal? I can’t face the thought of it because of it. The stitches worried me at first but I’m sure that must have eased by this amount of time!

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Original poster
Gladimnotamillenial · 30/03/2021 23:26

@Imnotbent Sometimes I can feel it but it seems a lot better than it was, but when it comes back again, it just reminds me and it’s like 😩

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Original poster
Gladimnotamillenial · 30/03/2021 23:28

@LouiseTrees That’s definitely how I felt, so I can’t remember if we did it really or not, possibly a couple of times but I was nervous. It’s true that you wait that long and are scared of having sex in case it has an affect

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Original poster
Gladimnotamillenial · 30/03/2021 23:29

*effect

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Imnotbent · 30/03/2021 23:29

Thanks @LouiseTrees, I thought that, which sort of adds to to the fear of what sex can do and I think from what I’ve read sex takes on a whole different dimension with ivf or a long period of trying for a baby. My friend said it became a function rather than a pleasure and it was hard for her to break that association afterwards.

AliceMcK · 30/03/2021 23:32

I didn’t have surgery my Drs were reluctant for various reasons. I did lots of pelvic exercises which has helped. We’ve slept together since, about 4-5 months after, its been fine. My DH is very understanding of my feelings and gentle, but that’s because I talk to him about them.

I really do recommend talking to him about your fears. Maybe you can ease into things gently x

BurbageBrook · 30/03/2021 23:33

Do you think maybe you could build up to it by doing non-penetrative sexual things to start with? Oral etc?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 30/03/2021 23:35

I think we didnt for 6 or 8 months or something. And it's been hard to get back into it to be honest. The longer we went without it the more weird and awkward it became. And whilst my husband was understanding, he did say he felt more like housemates at some point and in hindsight it has affected our relationship. We didnt talk about it for ages, he thought I'd gone off him. I just don't feel the same about myself or my body any more. But things are getting better. The more we have had sex the more natural it feels. Stopping breastfeeding and sleeping apart from the kids did help. And as they get older I do feel more like the old me, if less sexy than before, than just a mum.

Please be wary of making assumptions about how he is feeling about it. Whilst he may be very understanding, I dont think most people would be ok without sex indefinitely, without at least knowing what the reasons behind it were and that the other person was working to resolve this. I would try and make time for yourself to concentrate on things you used to enjoy before you were a mum. And reconnect with your husband, it doesn't have to be sex but things to make you feel more like a couple again than a mum and dad. We found we were hugging and kissing our kids loads but not each other, we just got out the habit after carrying around kids for so long we didnt hold hands any more. We have had to make a conscious effort. If you work on this then sex will seem like less of a leap.

Imnotbent · 30/03/2021 23:35

@Gladimnotamillenial oh yes I can remember feeling panic when I first felt it I thought it was going to stay there or fall out and the thought of pushing it back up made me feel sick. My GP reassured me, I got exercIses from physio, it very rarely bothers me now, usually only if I’m constipated.

Original poster
Gladimnotamillenial · 30/03/2021 23:36

@BurbageBrook It probably sounds ridiculous but the thought of that just isn’t appealing at all, I feel like a non sexual being!

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eatsleepread · 30/03/2021 23:37

It's not normal, no. Please don't be surprised if he ends up getting sex elsewhere. Harsh but true Thanks

timeisnotaline · 30/03/2021 23:38

Please talk to him. You married him and both made commitments. Maybe you are both happy- won’t you feel better knowing this?

Original poster
Gladimnotamillenial · 30/03/2021 23:40

@DrinkFeckArseBrick Yes, I can identify with what you’re saying, it’s definitely been all about just our Dd for so long

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Original poster
Gladimnotamillenial · 30/03/2021 23:41

@eatsleepread Do you think he will go elsewhere?

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Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 30/03/2021 23:45

I'm assuming you're both relatively young if you have a 2.5 year old so I would urge you to address the issue with your DH. As others have said, bring it up outside of the bedroom, tell him what you're afraid of and how you feel but most of all that you love him. I think it would be unusual if he feels the same as you and he might be suffering in silence. Understandably you're scared but if you're honest then you might find a way of overcoming it together and end up having an intimate relationship again.

Hobgoblinz · 30/03/2021 23:47

I don’t think it’s necessarily a big problem if you’re both okay with the situation. Did you have a lot of sex before?

After our first baby we didn’t have sex for about a year, and then it was only because we were trying for another! Only had sex twice (or maybe three times) during that pregnancy (once/twice early on and once in an effort to bring on labour!) and haven’t had sex since she was born (4 months ago). I think I had some sort of prolapse after first pregnancy, probably not in a great state now either but I don’t really know! Sex is just not on the agenda at the moment. Then again, we rarely did it before having children either, maybe once or twice every couple of months. Perhaps it is unusual, doesn’t make it wrong though, we’re very happy together! Try not to worry, if it’s not a problem for you then don’t make it a problem just because some strangers on the internet think it should be!