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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

The elephant in the room

149 replies

Gladimnotamillenial · 30/03/2021 22:28

I’ve not had sex with my Dp since before I was pregnant, I can’t even remember the last time, Dd is two and a half. Is this normal? I’m guessing not 🤷🏻‍♀️Dd is still in with us, I still bf at night, I had a prolapse last year, I can’t imagine ever having sex again. We don’t mention it, ever. I mean, where and when would we even do it, Dp tried once when Dd was asleep, I said I was on my period.
Has anyone else been in this situation?

OP posts:
Lweji · 31/03/2021 12:55

No, we also don’t cuddle up or hold hands etc anymore

This is the most worrying part. You're living like room mates, rather than a couple.

Do you feel you have kept him away due to your fears regarding sex, or has he backed off?
You can have intimate moments, and mutual pleasure without PIV. So even if you are worried about your prolapse, and want to take it slowly, there is no reason for you, as a couple, not to have a sexual relationship.

At 2.5 years old, you should be able to get some alone time, even if not in the bedroom.
Talk to him about your concerns. Be open to his.
Try to regain the physical affection side of the relationship. Get comfortable with each other. The rest will be easier and it will come with time, even being able to check with the doctor.

katnyps · 31/03/2021 13:14

**You're not a geisha. Give him a hand job. Goodness' sake

It's fair enough for some to feel this way I'm sure but it doesn't make me feel like a geisha! It makes me feel like a loving wife who cares for my partner's needs even if they don't exactly coincide with my own at the time. I'm sure he doesn't feel like a masseuse when he gives me a foot rub :)

UnderHisAye · 31/03/2021 13:30

Well, there is a vast difference between a foot rub from a loving husband, and a hand job from a wife who feels completely asexual, and who is only doing it to stave off the worry of her husband getting his kicks elsewhere.

katnyps · 31/03/2021 13:38

I never said that was the reason for it - it's not a transaction, "if you stay with me I'll service your needs". It's having the conversation about what you both want from the relationship and if he's keen for it to be sexual again but has been good enough not to bug you about it for 2.5 years due to awareness of your feelings about your body etc., and you say you're not prepared for going all the way yet, or even having him down there at all, for you to show him that there is a sexual future in the relationship and meet his immediate desires. If Op doesn't want this of course she shouldn't grit her teeth and think of England but it is just another option.

JWrecks · 31/03/2021 13:39

I really think you must speak to him about it soon, at least to figure out if he's OK with no sex for 2.5 years... plus however long it could be put off in the future. You may find that he's actually desperate and lonely and depressed and sad, but he's stopped trying it on with you long ago because the rejection is far too painful to face again. That can look a lot like not wanting or caring, when it's quite the opposite.

I had a similar problem in my marriage (granted, it was not baby related so not exactly the same), and it nearly destroyed me as a human being, as well as nearly destroyed my otherwise extremely happy marriage. The guaranteed rejection was more than I could handle, so even though my body and soul were desperately crying out for him all the time, I simply could not bring myself to beg for it again. He never initiated any sort of affection or sex, so it died. My spirit was utterly crushed, and I was genuinely suicidal; I actually had a tidy and foolproof plan for killing myself. I nearly left home dozens of times, because it would have been a thousand times easier to lose everything we'd worked for and be on my own in some dreary bedsit than to be near the man who should have loved me but, in my mind, did not. My self esteem was non-existentent, I was utterly hopeless and completely alone in the world, a pathetic and flimsy shell of my usual self, and it was honestly one of the worst things I've ever been through.

Sex is absolutely not merely about the physical release -- not even for men. In an established, long-term partnership between mature adults, it's so much more than simply getting off. It's about the emotional and intellectual need for intimacy and feeling loved and wanted and needed, feeling worthy of love, feeling able to make your partner happy. It's about allowing yourself to be vulnerable with one another and being able to trust each other with that vulnerability. Not having sex in a marriage tends to (of course not always, but often) breed distance, even apathy, for both parties. One or both partners may feel unloved, undesireable, ugly, useless, and all sorts of other hideous feelings that can seep in and then eventually take over every aspect of their self image.

And emotional love usually easily overcomes any physical "imperfections" (for lack of a better word atm) you may percieve in yourself, and luckily that is often particularly true of men. I drank and ate entirely too much to dull with the pain of my sexless marriage and got shockingly fat, yet my husband apparently still always thought I was beautiful and loved me very much. I haven't lost all of the weight yet and I definitely still personally feel very ugly and unsexy and unattractive and ashamed of my body, but that all goes away in the moment, and neither of us notices how awful I look. He doesn't care how I look; he loves me as I am. My self esteem is magically so much higher now that there is love and trust and intimacy in this house again, and a feeling of belonging again.

I highly recommend you work this out - not just for him and/or for your marriage, but for yourself as well. Intimacy breeds intimacy, and I'd wager you yourself would find that you've been missing that intimacy of the non-sexual sort, that feeling of being in love, of being in a solid partnership.

If you speak to him and find that he does indeed want and miss sex, I think you should look into "sexless marriage" or "dead bedrooms" on the internet. I particularly recommend trying to understand how the person who does want and miss sex feels, how the cessation of marital intimacy affects them, and why they need - not want, NEED - sex and its closeness.

Of course, all of that rambling is irrelevant if your husband can honestly say that he doesn't mind not having sex. But I think you must speak to him about it - and get a truthful answer to the question - before that elephant in the room crushes you both.

I didn't even realise how bad it was, nor why, for some time. It took a lot of learning, introspection, and personal exploration for me to understand and therefore explain to my husband that I really wasn't just some relentless pervert who only thinks about one thing, but that what I needed was the intimacy and the love and the bond that comes along with sex. He simply had no idea - it had never crossed his mind - how much I believed we had lost and how badly I was despairing. It had never occurred to him that it was even a problem, much less one that was literally killing me.

BobbidyBob · 31/03/2021 13:48

Wowzer, 2.5 years is a really long time. I don’t have the highest sex drive, my husband does so we do compromise and we have non-penetrative sex on days where I’m not really feeling it but he is. This is something that works for both of us (appreciate it might not for all couples) and means no one feels hard done by. I can’t imagine neither of you speaking about this to each other - that’s crazy! You really do have to communicate better (both of you - not just down to you).

JWrecks · 31/03/2021 13:50

Haha whoops, that last paragraph in my post was meant to be elsewhere in there! Don't know how it got to the very bottom. Sigh. An edit button would be so nice.

bouncydog · 31/03/2021 13:51

Please go and see your GP or a women's health clinic about your prolapse. There is loads that can be done to help. Once it's fixed it's a game changer as you will feel so much better about yourself. Minor ones can be corrected with pelvic floor exercises the more serious ones cannot and will get worse as you get older. The kegel ultra 20 (as mentioned earlier) will help but you have to use it regularly and dependent on severity of your prolapse you may also need surgical intervention. Until you go and see about it you won't know. Once you've addressed this you should feel more comfortable about speaking with your husband. Good luck!

jessstan2 · 31/03/2021 14:06

First thing is to visit a gynaecologist and have the prolapse fixed. Your stitches will have long since gone, no problem there.

After that, reassess the situation. If there is no physical reason not to have sex, there could be another reason - like you are just no longer interested. It happens but doesn't always last forever.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 31/03/2021 14:12

In my experience men rarely talk through problems they just up and leave one day. If I were you I'd get talking.

DarrenDring · 31/03/2021 14:13

Me and my other half haven't had sex for well over two years, I don't think we ever will again.

It's only an issue if one of you really thinks it is a relationship definer. We talked about it briefly, and - rightly or wrongly - that's the way we are now. We don't feel it's worth splitting up for, selling the house which would mean neither us being able to afford to one, and uprooting kids.

What I'm saying is, if it's not a problem - you just think it is - then it may not be the big deal you suspect.

Seriously, I think there are many more sexless relationships and marriages than anyone suspects. Mumsnet , however, is one of those places where members will insist that they can't keep their hands of their DH, have sex 5 times a week after 30 years marriage etc. Sometimes it's not the place for a truthful discussion about the lack of sex in a relationship.

RLJ1905 · 31/03/2021 14:54

My little boy is 9 months, we've done it once since he was born. I'm bf and just don't have any sex drive at all right now.

I bring it up though every now and again. I find it healthy to talk about. My husband understands and puts no pressure on me... He just tells me he knows we'll get back to it one day

2bazookas · 31/03/2021 15:04

[quote Gladimnotamillenial]@2bazookas No, when they examined me, they just gave me progesterone cream and I asked if it would ‘Go’ I knew nothing about them then, and they said it would be ok if I wasn’t constipated etc (sorry tmi!) sometimes it’s better but still not the way I was if that makes sense. I wasn’t sure whether to go for surgery[/quote]
My prolapse followed a very difficult vaginal delivery (high forceps) of a 10 pound baby presenting back to front. I developed stress incontinence of urine, very limiting to someone as active as me. . My gynae consultant recommended excercises, lifestyle management and "wait and see". Initially I was keen to avoid surgery ; but after 2 years I admitted defeat. On new internal exam he conceded " this is never going to resolve, andyou are are too young to spend the rest of your life like this " (I was 32) . He recommended full surgical repair. ( done per vagina) . The op was under GA . There's a post-surgery recovery period of about 6 weeks ( normal domestic life but no sex and no heavy lifting). Total success and I've never regretted getting it fixed.

SweetMeadow · 31/03/2021 15:09

Sending love and strength to you OP. No one here knows your relationship and what is right for you. I was the same when I was breastfeeding my DD and also really scared about how my body had changed.

Please don’t put any pressure on yourself to comply with what others say is normal. You’ve had some good advice about talking to him and also to your GP. Both of those things will help you reflect on what’s ‘normal’ for you and should take some of the pressure off. Take your time and introduce things slowly to build it up when you are ready. It can be really scary but talking to him and your GP should help you get a clearer perspective and alleviate some of those worries.

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/03/2021 15:32

Please find a way to talk to him. He’s your partner. You want to invest in your relationship so it’s a good foundation for your daughter’s life. A bit of awkwardness now will be a lot easier than the nightmare of breaking up.

DD is still bf and sleeps in our room. She’s our priority and we talk about her a lot. We also had sex throughout pregnancy, resumed a few weeks after she was born by EMCS and we do it 4 or 5 times a week. I wouldn’t be happy in a sexless relationship, I’m in my 30s and wouldn’t want to be celibate for the rest of my life. I’m lucky bf didn’t damage my libido but my body doesn’t look exactly the same (does anyone’s?!) and we took it easy to start with. We hold hands a lot, kiss, hug, compliment each other, say thank you for things, love each other and say so. When DD is grown up and off having her own life we want to still know each other and enjoy each other’s company. We want her to have a positive model of a romantic relationship. It’s possible to have all of that while considering your child a priority, while sharing a room, while bf. If it wasn’t people wouldn’t have second children.

It sounds lonely and sad and you’re the one describing it as the elephant in the room. You can and should aim to be happy partners as well as wonderful parents. Don’t you think your child deserves to see her parents happy and loving each other as much as you love her?

Please face up to this. Not because he’ll find someone else - really unhelpful - but because you must have cherished and loved each other enough to want to create a family and that’s hopefully still there if you can be honest, brave and find it together.

Sleepdeprivedmama1 · 31/03/2021 15:58

He probably sees you're uncomfortable and sorting himself out. I know you say you don't want to right now but I think you definitely need to address it and talk about it. It may be that he is happy to not do it / do it rarely or he may have it all pent up. Intimacy is really important so don't just sweep it under the carpet and use DC as an excuse, make the time and effort for one another (when you feel you can following the prolapse).

But yeah 2.5 years is not something I'd consider a regular time frame. Maybe a few months max in my experience. But everyone is different and there is no set guidance, your body your rules.

Therearehouses · 31/03/2021 16:36

I made a post about something similar the other day. I didn’t get many responses so I’ve read through all of them and some have been so helpful. I have also totally lost my sex drive and never knew until just now that breastfeeding could have such an impact. I have often felt that breastfeeding was a big part of it but thought it was just me. We’ve done it once in nearly a year and I’ve just stopped bf (the right time for me and DD) and I am already feeling a bit different in myself and think my periods might come back soon. Not here to tell you to stop bf but maybe don’t underestimate the impact that could have. You’re clearly not alone, anyway.

ThePants999 · 31/03/2021 16:48

Stop assuming, stop hoping, start communicating.

Gladimnotamillenial · 31/03/2021 21:32

@2bazookas Sorry for the prying tmi, but did you feel ‘Back to normal’ down there after the op? How long did the op last, were you put to sleep? Was this private?
I’ve also read that sometimes, all feeling is gone down below anyway after the op?

OP posts:
Gladimnotamillenial · 31/03/2021 21:33

Thanks for some really useful and helpful replies here.
We’ve not been getting on for a while now, it’s almost a chicken and egg situation with regard to not sleeping together and not getting on. Things changed a lot when we had Dd, ‘I’ changed and things just felt different, has anyone else had this?

OP posts:
Flowers24 · 31/03/2021 21:36

No sorry thats not common at all , 2.5 years is a very long time, id say a few months after birth is common. However, if you are both ok with it then it doesnt matter, only an issue if it is causing a problem x

UnderHisAye · 31/03/2021 22:58

@Gladimnotamillenial

Thanks for some really useful and helpful replies here. We’ve not been getting on for a while now, it’s almost a chicken and egg situation with regard to not sleeping together and not getting on. Things changed a lot when we had Dd, ‘I’ changed and things just felt different, has anyone else had this?
Yes, definitely. Having a child changes so much about the dynamic in a household; I went from being pretty mild to the boss fairly quickly, and my husband definitely noticed!

I think it's something you have to take into your own hands though. Again, you need to notice each other a bit, look on each other with kindness. Do you want a cup of tea, you choose the movie, let's have a takeaway and a glass of wine and a chat tonight, etc.

You have to want to do it, and I think affections begets affection. It's not some force that's going to bestow itself upon your relationship.

You both need to decide if you want to though; it sounds to me like your relationship has pretty much dropped off the edge of a cliff. You both need to decide if you want to climb back up.

2bazookas · 01/04/2021 00:14

[quote Gladimnotamillenial]@2bazookas Sorry for the prying tmi, but did you feel ‘Back to normal’ down there after the op? How long did the op last, were you put to sleep? Was this private?
I’ve also read that sometimes, all feeling is gone down below anyway after the op?[/quote]
It was NHS. I don't recall how long op lasted (long time ago!) but it was with a full general anaesthetic, fast asleep knew nothing about it , and no pain when I came round back in bed. I was in hospital about 6 days.
Happy to say down below still has feeling. normal orgasm etc.

Itsalonghaul · 01/04/2021 16:14

Our marriage changed definitely, but I still feel love for dh, and still want to be close to him in every way. For years we felt too tired and overwhelmed to always DTD but honestly we always found time for affection and humour, and talking.

Op you really need to start with just talking, not about TV or dd but about his feelings and yours, how he feels the last few years have been? Just talk together tonight, ask a few questions see where it leads.

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