The elephant in the room

[Gladimnotamillenial]

I’ve not had sex with my Dp since before I was pregnant, I can’t even remember the last time, Dd is two and a half. Is this normal? I’m guessing not 🤷🏻‍♀️Dd is still in with us, I still bf at night, I had a prolapse last year, I can’t imagine ever having sex again. We don’t mention it, ever. I mean, where and when would we even do it, Dp tried once when Dd was asleep, I said I was on my period.
Has anyone else been in this situation?

Why is it that in order to have a ‘good relationship’ so many people are saying that sex is an integral part?! It’s not! Sex drives differ, you can have an absolutely meaningful relationship without it!

I totally understand the not discussing it, it’s a bit awkward. But talking about it together and making a plan is much easier mentally than trying to hide from it.

Like an above poster said “ Bodies were not for sex at that point in my life”. You are caring for a young child and trying to navigate that, for some they might want/prioritise sex - you might prioritise getting through each day. Having a prolapse sounds like a big confidence issue too. If you are in London, I have an amazing pelvic floor physio who will do a home visit, pm me if you want the details!

Thinking of you

Why is it that in order to have a ‘good relationship’ so many people are saying that sex is an integral part?! It’s not! Sex drives differ, you can have an absolutely meaningful relationship without it!''

Of course you can have a meaningful relationship but.... only if both parties accept and agree. If it is a short term issues such as newborn knackeredness, or long term due to illness, medication or long term loss of drive, either way it needs to be discussed and agreed.

If one party unilaterally decides that sex is no longer going to happen then that is ok for them and it is their right, and if their partner agrees then all is good. But if there is no discussion or no agreement, then it isnt good for the marriage. To simply say "I dont think I will ever want to again" and not say anything to the husband, not consider that he might need that side of their marriage and still not want him to find sex elsewhere...well thats just mad!

Breastfeeding killed my libido stone dead. It cam back a little while after I stopped.

I'm not quite sure what is considered 'normal' . I had a bad tear & lots of stiches after giving birth, no prolapse though, & was worried after 6 week check, terrified it would hurt, not be as good as before, body conscious..but still found him sexy as hell & very desirable....so I managed to wait til week 7 & then we got busy again. Tbh, I think 2.5 yrs is a very long time. I can't imagine DH is thrilled with this present situation or to feel he is unwanted & unneeded physically. You should at least discuss it & your feelings, and his, about it. If you are worried medically / physically then go see your GP about it & get whatever reassurances you need. I had kids in their own room at about 6/7 months...whenever sleeping through properly kicked in. And bf still. The odd night in our bed when teething etc but not usual or any pattern to it. Of course each to their own method of parenting but baby in bed all night every night isn't for me.

I think you need to talk to him about this for the sake of your marriage.

Yes you will feel awkward bringing it up but surely that will be worth it to see where his head is at, if he says he's not interested in sex anymore either then you will be able to relax about it and not worry.
If he says it does bother him but that he loves you so he's happy to be patient then thank him for his patience and then you'll need to work out what to do.

Are you ever intimate in any other ways? Are you affectionate?

It can get better, you need a physical therapist, there are ones that only deal with problems caused by childbirth, so it’s very common, I would think. I have the a hypertonic pelvic floor, very painful, it’s basically the opposite of a prolapse. Look up Jilly Bond on YouTube, watch her videos, there are cute dilators to practice with but quite overpriced, some of them... you have all my sympathy, I haven’t had sex since an abortion when I was 28 (I’m now 38) & Interstitial Cystitis causes me constant pain. I don’t know how my DP stays with me.

I agree with those who said that breastfeeding can totally kill libido. As in, the whole idea suddenly seems gross.

But I think you really need to talk to your partner about this, I wouldn't assume he is ok with the situation as it stands, he likly does not want to pressure you. But even if you just said what you've said here he might feel quite relived.

Just checking name change has worked before posting more...

I don't think there's such a thing as normal. If both parties are happy with the way things are.

What is dangerous is to assume that your partner feels the same way as you do. I don't think lack of intimacy is something that should be ignored personally. But that's also on him as well as you.

@Nancydrawn No, we also don’t cuddle up or hold hands etc anymore

@PyongyangKipperbang I’d say in some ways, he talks about her more!

Why is it that in order to have a ‘good relationship’ so many people are saying that sex is an integral part?! It’s not! Sex drives differ, you can have an absolutely meaningful relationship without it!

That is true as long as both parties are on board. It's not cool to assume and just never talk about it.

@Gladimnotamillenial - I could have written what you have.
I too am not sure if I should be doing something about it... but it seems like too big a mountain at the moment?
We have 18m old twins from IVF and have been together a long time. We used to have sex lots at the start of our relationship, then things dwindled a bit when my DH was going through a hard time, then we got back to it when trying for a baby, but then it wasn't working and it became a chore and a depressing one in many ways tbh as it was setting us up for false hopes...
So then ivf started and we barely had sex at all during the 4 years of that, probably a handful of times at most - we went through quite a few miscarriages so neither of us wanted sex while that was happening and then when pregnant - like others have said - we were being so careful not to do anything to risk harm, we didn't have sex, and now 18m after twins were born, we still haven't had sex... we are both exhausted so it's partly that, but i do feel a bit sad about it as it's also that I hate my body now, most of me is back to normal-ish, but my c-section shelf is horrible and the baggy skin is just 🤢... I just don't feel attractive. My DH hasn't made any advances, so it's not like I've turned him down, I suspect that he doesn't find me as attractive anymore .
We are otherwise ok - sometimes we have simmering resentment over who was up most in the night etc, but at the moment it is what it is. When the twins get older if things don't improve then I guess we will have to deal with it, but it's kind of scary tbh. You are not alone!

That’s the thing, maybe neither of us is that bothered

I wonder if we’ll ever feel carefree and bothered to do it

I really think if he was that bothered, he’d bring it up

part of me is dreading it a little as I don’t know if it means getting back into it

So many questions, all of which could be answered if you actually had a conversation with your husband. You say you don’t want to have the conversation, but it’s been two and a half years, that’s a bloody long time for an elephant to just stand there’s silently, in the corner of the room...

Lots of good advice from other (female) posters. As a partner and father, I just wanted to say: don't assume your DP will be as aware as you are of the changes you notice in your body. He hasn't spent much time with those parts of you for a while, and is in any case much less familiar with them than you are yourself. Scars and changes that you are constantly aware of may genuinely be barely noticeable to him.

In any case, if he's a good guy (and it sounds like he may well be from the OP) then he will want to make you feel safe and comfortable and loved. Talk to him about how you would want him to respond and react to you.

As to the practicalities of where and when parents find time and space to have sex, a bit of creativity may be needed. If you're co-sleeping, then in bed with your child is not a romantic situation. Presumably you don't all have the same bedtime though? You can make love on the sofa, on a fluffy rug in front of the fire, on the spare bed if you have one, or anywhere else you feel comfortable.

Don't do anything until you feel happy to do so, but do challenge assumptions that may create barriers and stop you from accessing the sexual side of your relationship if ultimately you both still want that.

Another one here who is nodding to this. I did not have a vaginal birth, but breastfeeding did kill off my libido. I simply felt too touched out, looking after the baby and (after number 2), running around the toddler all day.

It did get better, especially when the night feeds went away. I recommend getting some help/advice for your prolapse and booking a night away without your DD (if that's possible). In the meantime, IF you feel up to it, initiate touching your DH again. Just holding hands or a quick cuddle. The problem is, you won't feel sexy or wanted until you do something a little sexy or loving. So, it's a vicious circle.

Op you've been through a rough time, I feel for you.

You and your dh really need to talk about this, in a non confrontational way. If you don't, one day you'll find its grown into a big problem that you can't fix. The longer you ignore it, the more afraid you're going to feel about tackling it.

Just be open with him, that you miss the way things used to be but right now you feel so far from that and you're scared about the prolapse and you're worried about the affect on him too.

Don't rush into sex but focus on building intimacy - both emotional and physical. As you get used to it I think the rest will follow.

Make time for yourselves to rediscover being a couple again.

See your gp about your prolapse fears.

Reclaim your body for yourself- its been given over to your child completely, take time to nourish it just for you. Think massages when allowed again, relax and moisturise, do some yoga - whatever it takes to rebuild that connection of your body being yours rather than just what you use to nurture your child.

If you don't talk about it with your dh you will feel more scared about what happens when your child goes to their own room and that won't lead to helpful behaviour so be open and take control of the journey back to intimacy.

It will mean you feel secure and start to feel desirable again and he will feel loved, considered and not rejected.

OP maybe you could start with a bit of self love. Have a look with a mirror down there, play with a sex toy. Build confidence that your sexual organs can still give you an immense amount of pleasure and then see where that takes you with your husband.

My baby is 8 weeks old and we fit it in during afternoon naps at the weekend. I was nervous fir the first time but also keen to get it out the way if that makes sense- it was absolutely fine and I’ve got some similar post natal injuries.

Also please don’t rush into it through fear he’ll cheat! My ex husband cheated and we had plenty of sex- if he’s the type to stray then there’s nothing you can do to either keep him or drive him away, infidelity is rarely about the other partner and more about the person working out some issues in my experience!

Hi Op,

I'm going to keep it simple and say give him a hand job if he's up for it. If it's been so long it will probably take less than 5 minutes of your day. As you don't feel the desire right now you won't be missing out if he's getting all the action but it will show him you are still part of his sex life - and you can gauge his reaction from there. It might help start the conversation about your longer term ambitions too! You can work up to it with some cuddles during your DD's nap time. I was also very nervous about my post-baby body and scarring and keeping sex external like this at the start helped to build my confidence.

OP In your position dd needs to be weaned and moved into her own room she is almost three years old. It seems to me like you are both using her as a convenient excuse to avoid intimacy.

A sexless marriage works for some people, but most talk this through and agree jointly. It is a really big step to decide never to be intimate again, and not one that anyone should take lightly. I think you have been happy to avoid the situation, to pretend everything is fine, but it doesn't sound fine. No cuddling, no affection and no sex, no loving contact whatsoever. That is not how much people live op.

I would be wondering how he is managing sexually, what release he is using and what this means long term. I wouldn't assume he is content with things as they stand just because he hasn't said anything put it that way.

Dear OP, I'm a mum who had a 10-year fertility battle (and numerous miscarriages) before having my one and only DC.

Having been through all this, I too was diagnosed with a prolapse (vaginal). Frankly, I was pissed off: to have been through all that and then to have my (barely functioning) reproductive system head south was pretty much the final straw! And yes, it did put me off sex: felt as though I was sitting on a ball most of the time. They are very uncomfortable.

The bad news is that they won't get better on their own. If you read what happens as they progress toward the final stage, it looks extremely unpleasant.

My gyn. consultant recommended pelvic floor exercises, which I lazily ignored until things became less comfortable and I realised I had to deal with it. I've invested in a Kegel 8 ultra 20 pelvic floor exerciser: the model recommended as being best for prolapse, but any model will do the job. At over £100 they're not cheap, but in an early (1-2) stage prolapse they can either greatly postpone or in some cases I understand can even reverse progression.

Yes, you do have to keep it up and maintain, but as the machine does all the work for you this really isn't difficult. I do mine while I'm working at my desk! You can even do these in public provided you've got a pocket to put the unit it, and no one would notice. And they work across all pelvic areas: coming with vaginal and anal probes.

I hope you sort it as this can make you feel pretty rotten and isn't exactly conducive to feeling sexy. I know exactly how this feels, particularly after sex has felt so clinical for so long while you're trying to conceive (and the pressure is also not good for feeling in the mood). But these machines work (I'm not a representative of the firm BTW!) - I now don't feel as though I'm sitting on a ball anymore.

Finally - sending you my commiserations and empathy. Having a young BF child (I know all about this, too!) is tiring and hard work, without dealing with all of the above! Sending you and a hug if you'd like one.

See your gp about your prolapse fears.

I also second this. It would be useful to get a sense of what stage prolapse this is. That could determine how you deal with it. But the machine mentioned above works on all stages.

Op, I’m in exactly the same position, 2 and a half year old, still co sleeping, still bf, my DP and I have had sex a handful of times since DS was born. People saying it’s not normal, just because they don’t see it that way doesn’t mean it’s not normal. Yes bf kills sex drive but you won’t be bf’ing forever and things may get better. I’m so touched out all the time by DS, once he is in bed I don’t want anyone touching me. Even the cat try for a cuddle and I’m like nope leave me alone. It sounds like you have an understanding DP. It’s your body and if you don’t feel right doing it, don’t!

The stitches will have disappeared a very long time ago, most of us have them.

Did you not have the prolapse repaired?

I think you just no longer want to have sex; if you did you would. Is it just your partner you've gone off sexually? I'm not suggesting you have an affair, not at all, but people do go off partners and fantasise about someone else, maybe an imaginary someone.

It happen sometimes, people go without for years because there is no longer any desire. If their partner is not on the same page it is very disappointing for them.