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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The elephant in the room

149 replies

Gladimnotamillenial · 30/03/2021 22:28

I’ve not had sex with my Dp since before I was pregnant, I can’t even remember the last time, Dd is two and a half. Is this normal? I’m guessing not 🤷🏻‍♀️Dd is still in with us, I still bf at night, I had a prolapse last year, I can’t imagine ever having sex again. We don’t mention it, ever. I mean, where and when would we even do it, Dp tried once when Dd was asleep, I said I was on my period.
Has anyone else been in this situation?

OP posts:
Imnotbent · 31/03/2021 11:29

I think whatever opinions people have offered on whether its ok not to have sex, the common theme running through the thread is lack of communication. Is the no cuddles, hand holding or I love you different from before, some people are not tactile or rarely say I love you? However it would be a concern if it was a change from how you used to be. It can be easy to drift and then one day realise you are far apart.

UnderHisAye · 31/03/2021 11:34

give him a hand job if he is up for it

I'm sorry but that's awful advice. How is the OP supposed to feel sexual when she's just wanking someone off? There is little passion in a hand job!

I think you need to start small; give him a hug or kiss as you walk past, consciously say kind things, small touches here or there. It starts to remind you of why you're together in the first place.

You're not a geisha. Give him a hand job. Goodness' sake.

Original poster
Gladimnotamillenial · 31/03/2021 11:37

@MarieIVanArkleStinks Thank you, I will buy one of those.

@Itsalonghaul I do worry how he’s managing, really feel down about the whole thing tbh, but I don’t want to have sex the way I’m feeling, at all 😞

OP posts:
Bml11 · 31/03/2021 11:42

And you don’t need to wean or move your DS into her own room if you don’t want too. You’re prob feeling very unsexy, touched out, knackered. Who would want to have Sex feeling like that.

Crazycakelady17 · 31/03/2021 11:46

Hi op I’m in a similar position but for different reasons, child hood SA and reporting it a few years ago and going through a trial brought all the trauma back.
We haven’t been intimate for over 18 months I just can’t at the moment I’m having intense therapy too.
I have been married a long time 20 years next week.
My greatest advise would be to communicate it was difficult to discuss at first but DH has been wonderful I have even said to him go off find someone who he can have a normal life with .
Things have got a little easer I can tolerate cuddles in bed now and we hold hands etc I couldn’t even do that a few years ago
Good luck and get back to your GP to discuss the prolapse.

Itsalonghaul · 31/03/2021 11:48

You can do something about it though op, you don't have to give up on yourself or your marriage. PP have suggested really good practical ways to improve things for you physically. The kegal sounds great. Most of us that have had babies are forever changed, and we accept those changes and still feel comfortable with intimacy.

I wonder if you might benefit from a sexual health counsellor, to discuss your blocks with your dh, and get some proper professional help?

If your marriage is a good one in all other ways then it is really worth investing some time, effort and resources into ensuring it stays that way?

I am not good at talking about this sort of thing, but I have dinner with dh and a glass of wine, and we talk through everything, even really embarrassing things (that are worse than your prolapse) I have been in and out of hospital with pretty major surgery - so in some ways we had to talk about it, as some of the things dh had to do were not nice!

It is good that you posted, because you are obviously worried about it.

ExConstance · 31/03/2021 11:51

I'm no expert on lack of desire but I do know a bit about strange nether regions. Whatever the situation with; your partner you cannot allow this situation ;of feeling so unhappy with your body an dnot understanding what is going on to continue. Please ask for a referral to a Womens' health phisio. The are the experts in this type of problem and can help you. NHS was quick and very good for me, but private is not all that expensive. Once your body is fixed it will be a weight off your mind and your can review the rest of the problem areas in your life.

Itsalonghaul · 31/03/2021 11:53

BM Op should ask her dh if he still wants a breastfeeding two and half year old still in bed with him, they should discuss if he is happy without sex for this long, and if he is happy to continue that. He should be honest about how he will have his sexual needs met, and speak about the options. It is not helpful to say and do nothing and hope for the best.

Best case op doesn't find him gone one day and they stay together abeit without love or intimacy.
Worst case is that he has already left the marriage in one form or another and is staying for their child.

Burying your head in the sand is not helpful in the long term.

Franklyfrost · 31/03/2021 11:56

It sounds like you want people to say it’s totally normal not to have sex with your partner to make you feel better for ignoring the situation you’re in.

Concentrate on feeling healthier and happy in yourself (more medical help would be good for the prolapse). And you really really need to check in with your partner. Ask how he feels about the co-sleeping, lack of intimacy etc. Listen to him even if you don’t want to talk about yourself. This isn’t going to get better by putting your head in the sand.

Franklyfrost · 31/03/2021 11:57

@Itsalonghaul

Cross post! So similar, even down to the head in the sand :)

Itsalonghaul · 31/03/2021 11:57

Op, your dh may be very happy never to have sex again and you can relax, or he may be very sad about it.
Until you have that conversation you will never know. When you approach the conversation, you might be better to be prepared with how you see your marriage looking like now and in five years, and how you feel about it longer term. Give him space to talk, and tell him you feel and your lack of confidence with your body - open up the communication.

RowanAlong · 31/03/2021 11:58

I didn’t feel like sex til after I stopped breastfeeding around 2 years old. Took a while to start feeling up for it again, but it’s all fine now! I’d definitely talk to your partner about it though, just explain how you feel, and maybe reassure him that the love is still there, even if you’re not into sex at the moment! If he’s with you for the long haul then he’ll understand. Just keep lines of communication open whatever you do.

Itsalonghaul · 31/03/2021 11:59

frankly Grin snap!!

Original poster
Gladimnotamillenial · 31/03/2021 12:03

Part of me feels that something changed/died when Dd came along, we’re never alone together anymore (live in foreign country, no family etc to babysit)
Part of me feels he wants to avoid things too, I’m not sure

OP posts:
me4real · 31/03/2021 12:07

See your doctor about the prolapse and how it's doing.

Firebird83 · 31/03/2021 12:10

We’ve only had sex once since DS was born and he’s 2.5 now. It’s a mix of me not feeling confident about my post baby body (I put on a lot of weight while pregnant, lost a bit in between but have put more on over lockdown), and both of us feeling tired all the time.

Laytwir024 · 31/03/2021 12:13

I think the issue is it's been a long time since it's been discussed. How was it pre baby? Talking about it is definitely thr best way.

Laytwir024 · 31/03/2021 12:14

We do it rarely but we've talked about it and why.

UnderHisAye · 31/03/2021 12:15

@Gladimnotamillenial

Part of me feels that something changed/died when Dd came along, we’re never alone together anymore (live in foreign country, no family etc to babysit) Part of me feels he wants to avoid things too, I’m not sure
The only way to know is to ask.

The thing is - marriage is longer than the parenting part. In ten years your DD will be off doing her own thing with friends much of the time, and you'll have much more time and will feel more like yourself again.

By that time it could be 12 years since you've had sex; it would be SO difficult to find your way back to it then.

You really need to grit your teeth and open a conversation.

Hankunamatata · 31/03/2021 12:16

Have an open and honest chat with dh. Perhaps he is happy to go without sex, perhaps not.

museumum · 31/03/2021 12:31

I would approach from two angles:

  1. see somebody about your prolapse, and when you make the appointment tell your dh that you have done so and that it's because you are worried about whether it's healed etc. and this will open up the idea of later talking about your sex life. Even if the conversation goes no further you'll have shown you are thinking about it and keen to do something.
  1. Simultaneously with that you need to do something about your adult relationship. I see you've no babysitters, are in another country etc. either talk about how to find a babysitter or how you can put the children to bed early and have a nice meal together once a month or so. About three years after my ds was born I thought I might not want dh that way anymore.... we went away for two nights to a hotel and i kind of dreaded that sex would be expected... but after a meal together in another environment and away from 'mum duty' and a good nights sleep I realised I really did want him. I'm just not good at feeling in the mood when I'm not fully relaxed (and hadn't been relaxed for three years by that point).
TheLazyWitch · 31/03/2021 12:33

Do you not miss holding hands, cuddles, kisses, declarations of love, clinging to each other while going to sleep etc, more than the sex? Sex is easy to get, as easy as a few clicks online these days. The other stuff is harder to find in my experience. It's what I miss most about being in a relationship, and I think if you started doing all that stuff again, you might feel more inclined towards sex (his touches can only turn you on, if he actually touches you...). Do you masterbate? Maybe trying to make yourself come a few times, in peace, privacy and with no pressure or expectations, would help up your libido on general? Ask dh to take dd out for a walk, or ice cream something.

I agree with pp's, you need to talk about it, maybe he's sucking up his feelings, to spare yours/because he's trying to not be an asshole, by putting pressure on his wife, who's just been through he'll to give him his cherished dd. If that is the case, it's nice of him, but not really fair on him. Maybe he is feeling really resentful, and ready to look for intimacy elsewhere, rather than raise it with you, and have to face the future arguments and awkwardness that could cause. Or maybe he's actually gone of it a bit himself, and isn't in the least bothered. But you won't know, until you talk to him! It's time to address the elephant.

TheLazyWitch · 31/03/2021 12:43

I also agree with everything museumum suggested.

RowanAlong · 31/03/2021 12:48

Maybe try and initiate some of the other tactile things first if it’s too hard to talk about? You must want to hold hands or have a hug if you still love him?

RowanAlong · 31/03/2021 12:52

I think also if you’re long-term breastfeeding, and first child especially, you and the baby can become a pair, a physical unit, in a way that replaces him for a while ... that’s natural but it won’t always be that way, assuming you still love each other, talk, and generally get on (as best you can while parenting).

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