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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To report her to the police (potential tw)

132 replies

redova · 30/03/2021 20:49

I've been lurking for a while but this is my first post

My eldest is 17 in a couple of weeks. When he was 15 his friend told me that ds was talking to a woman (18/19) and he thought it was wrong but ds didn't listen. I spoke to ds and he lied at first but then he said he messaged her first and they weren't in a relationship and I thought he blocked her. A month later I found out he was meeting her but lying and saying he was meeting his mates etc. Ds said they didn't do anything and they just talked. I spoke to his school as I had no idea what to do but he told them that they were just friends. Ds then started dating a girl from his school and I thought that was the end of it. Until yesterday, Ds told me that this woman is pregnant (3/4 months I think) and she's saying he's the dad and he told me they're in a relationship. He's been refusing to talk about it as 'they've done nothing wrong' but I find this disgusting that ds is 16 and she's about 20/21.

Aibu if I phoned the police?

OP posts:
Grilledaubergines · 30/03/2021 20:52

Christ, this isn’t easy in that my instinct would be yes, she should be reported. However, if this is his child then the effect of that reporting are massive.

Are there any anonymous helplines you could call for advice to help you?

Lamentations · 30/03/2021 20:59

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation, how worrying. What would you want the police to do?

Aimee1987 · 30/03/2021 21:00

I agree this is despicable, creepy and just wrong. Unfortunately the age of censcent in the UK is 16 so unless you can prove or DS admits they were sleeping together before his 16th birthday there is nothing the police can do.
I'm so sorry your son is going through this it sounds very very tough

JackieTheFart · 30/03/2021 21:01

He is 16 so he’s of the age of consent, no matter how distasteful you think this is. I don’t think the police will be able to do anything unless he divulged sexual assault?

I think you need to talk to someone impartial like the NSPCC. Three years age gap is tricky, I get he was 15 when they started talking, but they could quite easily have never had sex till he was 16 - and while a lot of parents of girls might not be happy with a 16/19 age gap it happens a lot and isn’t illegal.

Don’t get my wrong I wouldn’t be happy either, but you’re obviously climbing the walls right now Flowers

RLJ1905 · 30/03/2021 21:04

Ugh, that is warped.

Sadly there's not much you can do with your son being 16, age of consent. They'll likely just deny they had sex under 16? And you risk alienating your son by doing so.

Tread carefully, op

BenoneBeauty · 30/03/2021 21:06

Sorry you're upset Op but I honestly don't think the age gap is an issue at all - 3-4 years is no gap and if he's over 16, then it's really not a matter for the police. Plus unless you think he was groomed or coerced in some way, she doesn't sound like she has done anything wrong (& I would say that if the genders were reversed, having been a 15 year old girl in relationships with older boys when I was young with similar age gaps).

AlexaShutUp · 30/03/2021 21:07

If you have evidence that she was sleeping with him when he was a child and she was an adult, then I would definitely report this. At the very least, it sounds like she may have been grooming him from 15.

If they genuinely didn't move beyond an innocent friendship until he was 16, it's more tricky because he is at the age of consent. It still doesn't sit right with me though.

TurquoiseDragon · 30/03/2021 21:10

DNA test once baby is born before anything else.

OppsUpsSide · 30/03/2021 21:12

When did he turn 16?

PotteringAlong · 30/03/2021 21:16

Phone the police for what? That someone over the age of consent had consensual sex with someone else over the age of consent?

You might not like it, but that doesn’t make it illegal.

CloudFormations · 30/03/2021 21:16

I’m so sorry, how upsetting for you.

If they didn’t sleep together until he was 16 (and they will be unlikely to admit otherwise) then I don’t think there is any criminal case to answer (unless she was in a position of trust over him, like a teacher or sports coach). Bit of course that doesn’t mean it’s ok - it’s a large age gap at that age, and she was so wrong to pursue a relationship.

I would suggest to your son that he ask for a DNA test to prove he is the father.

I would also consider how best to support him if he is the father - he will need a lot of help to get through the next few years, and you may want to have a relationship with the baby as it will be your grandchild.

Original poster
redova · 30/03/2021 21:19

He turned 16 last April. Although this woman started messaging him the summer before he went into year 11. Ds refuses to talk about it and he told me to forget he told me anything. I'm just not sure what to do Sad

OP posts:
Thunderbolted · 30/03/2021 21:24

Apart from the fact that she may be pregnant, I don't see what the issue is.

I started a relationship with someone when I was 16 and he was 20. We've been together 27 years now.

I suspect you're just freaking out because she might be pregnant.

StoneofDestiny · 30/03/2021 21:28

I would suggest to your son that he ask for a DNA test to prove he is the father

That's the priority and ask your son what he sees happening from now, then take it from there.

Moondust001 · 30/03/2021 21:28

@redova

He turned 16 last April. Although this woman started messaging him the summer before he went into year 11. Ds refuses to talk about it and he told me to forget he told me anything. I'm just not sure what to do Sad
There is really nothing you can do. You think of him as a child. But legally, in this respect he certainly isn't one; and I am afraid that a 3/4 year age gap is nothing disgusting at all. Again, I think your disgust is more to do with your thinking him a child. He has, presumably, decided to have consensual sex with another person and there is a consequence. If the child is his - and you do need to ascertain that is the case - then he can't ignore it and he needs to step up. It takes two to tango. He tangoed. And he is very likely now going to have parental responsibility for the rest of his life. That is the conversation that he now needs to be having.
spongebunnyfatpants · 30/03/2021 21:30

Unfortunately the police or social services won't do anything. He is 16 and unless he states he's been groomed or forced to do anything, she hasn't legally done anything wrong.

blackrimmedspecs · 30/03/2021 21:31

Have you met her?

Original poster
redova · 30/03/2021 21:37

No I've never met her as I thought that he wasn't in contact with her anymore until he told me yesterday.

OP posts:
Veterinari · 30/03/2021 21:40

What @Moondust001 said

You also need to think about your relationship with him. If you continue to judge his gf and he is committed to her you may end up driving him away.

Thanks it must be so disappointing for you

AlexaShutUp · 30/03/2021 21:41

I agree that there is quite probably nothing that the OP can do in this situation, but surprised that people are saying it's ok for an adult woman to be messaging a 15yo who she subsequently gets into a relationship with.

I have a 15yo dd and I would not be happy for her to be groomed by an 18/19yo man. Am I unusual in this, or is there a bit of a double standard going on because the dc in question is a boy?

BenoneBeauty · 30/03/2021 22:01

I'm judging by my own standards @AlexaShutUp - I was a 15 year old going out with boys aged 17, 18, 19 etc and I certainly wasn't groomed. I liked that they were older and had cars etc but it definitely wasn't grooming and I was fully conscious and responsible for my own actions. I expect the same from today's 15 year olds - unless there's actual grooming and sexual exploitation, it's pretty normal for age gaps of a couple of years, however these days no one seems capable of being responsible for their own actions and everyone seems to need to be a victim.

BrilliantBetty · 30/03/2021 22:14

I lost my virginity at 16 to a 21 year old.
It did feel like a big age gap at the time, but it was consensual and it was legal. It wasn't that unusual (I'm 30 now so a while ago..)

I don't see what you expect the police to do? Nothing illegal occurred

Saz12 · 30/03/2021 22:21

I find this pretty icky: a 16-year-old living at home with a concerned parent is really very young

Original poster
redova · 30/03/2021 22:28

@Veterinari

What *@Moondust001* said

You also need to think about your relationship with him. If you continue to judge his gf and he is committed to her you may end up driving him away.

Thanks it must be so disappointing for you

I haven't judged her in front of him. I just tried to speak to him about it and he told me to forget what he said and that she didn't do anything wrong etc
OP posts:
PugInTheHouse · 31/03/2021 09:40

I actually think less fuss would be made if it was a 16 yo girl with an older boy/man, it is pretty normal to have a few years gap and girls to go out with an older boy/man. Lets not forget that on MN everytime an 18/19 yo does something that isn't right they are referred to as just children still, a prime example was a recent thread on here about University students throwing parties and being suspended and everyone piled on to say how they were just kids really and not actually grown ups, yet on this post it is grooming.

I am slightly confused by the ages though as when he was15 she was 18/19 and now at 16 she is 20/21?

That said, if she was sleeping with him at 15 then it's not ok. I was 15 with a 21 yo boyfriend and looking back it wasn't right. He was actually really immature but there was still a level of control there. I split up with him but the balance still wasn't quite right even though I was really confident generally.

I am not entirely sure why you want to call the police? If she is actually pregnant you need to keep the lines of communication open properly with your DS, calling the police is firstly not helpful given that from what has been said nothing illegal has gone on and secondly you will alienate your son.

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