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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To report her to the police (potential tw)

132 replies

redova · 30/03/2021 20:49

I've been lurking for a while but this is my first post

My eldest is 17 in a couple of weeks. When he was 15 his friend told me that ds was talking to a woman (18/19) and he thought it was wrong but ds didn't listen. I spoke to ds and he lied at first but then he said he messaged her first and they weren't in a relationship and I thought he blocked her. A month later I found out he was meeting her but lying and saying he was meeting his mates etc. Ds said they didn't do anything and they just talked. I spoke to his school as I had no idea what to do but he told them that they were just friends. Ds then started dating a girl from his school and I thought that was the end of it. Until yesterday, Ds told me that this woman is pregnant (3/4 months I think) and she's saying he's the dad and he told me they're in a relationship. He's been refusing to talk about it as 'they've done nothing wrong' but I find this disgusting that ds is 16 and she's about 20/21.

Aibu if I phoned the police?

OP posts:
OldBean2 · 31/03/2021 13:27

OP, there are a couple of things that you need to ascertain here before you decide what to do. What is her relationship professionally to your son, is she someone in school? If she is, then the relationship is not appropriate and this is grooming.

You need to get professional advice and I think your starting point might be the police and they will be able to tell you better than us what the options are.

And tell your husband, so you can put together a joint front and deal with it appropriately.

Confusedandshaken · 31/03/2021 13:33

@CuriousaboutSamphire

Do you have any idea WHO she is?

A teacher perhaps? The secrecy part makes little sense unless she has more to lose than you yet know!

A teacher is unlikely to be 20/21!
CuriousaboutSamphire · 31/03/2021 13:35

But OP doesn't actually know how old she is! She has almost no information about her at all, it seems!

Original poster
redova · 31/03/2021 13:35

No I'm not sure who she is and exactly how old she is, ds's friend said she was 18 or 19 but that was when they were 15 so now she's obviously older. He won't answer any questions like if I ask if she works or what there plans are etc he just tells me to forget about it and I haven't said anything about her infront of him (about her age etc).

OP posts:
Original poster
redova · 31/03/2021 13:37

His friend also didn't know how old she was he just said he thinks she was 18 or 19 but he knew she was 18 or over. So I'm assuming now she's 20/21.

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 31/03/2021 13:41

OK. You HAVE to stop pussyfooting around this now. He is still 16. You are still his parents, he is not an independent living adult. You can't let him just wobble on his way not knowing precisely what is hapening to him.

You are going to have to upset him, make him angry with you and PRY! Sit him down and tell him you are doing this so that he can make properly informed decisions rather than being confused and scared.

That is going to be realy hard to do. I wonder if Childline etc could help you work out how to approach it with him?

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 31/03/2021 13:45

There is nothing that the police will do. Not unless you can get him to admit on record to the police that they had sex before he turned 16.

16 is the age of consent, however much it doesn't sit right. They haven't actually done anything wrong in the eyes of the law and if this baby is his (DNA paternity test) then he will be expected to support them.

Coyoacan · 31/03/2021 13:46

A three or four year age different is not exactly major. My understanding is that the police will not intervene in cases of underage sex when it is consensual and both are of a similar age.

I was going out with an eighteen-year-old when I was fifteen, so I find your initial reaction to their contact quite bizarre.

AlexaShutUp · 31/03/2021 13:51

An age gap of 3/4 years is indeed nothing in most relationships - there is more than that between me and my DH.

However, I think 3/4 years is significant when one is a child and the other is an adult. There is a massive imbalance of power between a 15yo and a 19yo. I'm surprised that other people are so unbothered by this.

SnooperTrooper12345 · 31/03/2021 13:54

@CuriousaboutSamphire

OK. You HAVE to stop pussyfooting around this now. He is still 16. You are still his parents, he is not an independent living adult. You can't let him just wobble on his way not knowing precisely what is hapening to him.

You are going to have to upset him, make him angry with you and PRY! Sit him down and tell him you are doing this so that he can make properly informed decisions rather than being confused and scared.

That is going to be realy hard to do. I wonder if Childline etc could help you work out how to approach it with him?

This.

It isn't just a case of a girl he's seeing any more. It's potentially his baby. Regardless of her age.
Your son is possibly going to become a Dad at the age of 17 with someone you don't even know her name or age.
One that you're probably going to have to help support.
It isn't just his business anymore

Original poster
redova · 31/03/2021 16:53

I'll speak to him to him later I'm not sure what I'll say to get him to speak though as he just tells me to forget it and that he doesn't want to speak about it etc

OP posts:
HandyHarry · 31/03/2021 16:57

It's unpleasant but not illegal.

Nightmare for you though.

Sorry.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 31/03/2021 16:58

You can only impress upon him that forgetting about it won't make it go away and that talking about it will find solutions to the issues not talking about it only hides.

Be brave, be his mum, don't let him wallow in his fear, anxiety, teen trauma response any longer.

Best of luck ☘️

CuriousaboutSamphire · 31/03/2021 17:00

@HandyHarry

It's unpleasant but not illegal.

Nightmare for you though.

Sorry.

We don't know that.

OP doesn't know that as her DS hasn't been very forthcoming. She can't afford to shrug and say "ah well!!" - her son definitely deserves more than that and who knows, so may the young woman he seems to be involved with!

HandyHarry · 31/03/2021 17:13

@CuriousaboutSamphire the timescale indicates that the pregnancy occurred once the son was 16. That's what I'm referring to.

greeneyedlulu · 31/03/2021 17:14

You son is still so very immature that he thinks he can tell you he's possibly got a girl pregnant and expects you not to ask questions.
First you need to tell his father, then you both have to sit down with your son and have a calm as possible conversation about this. You son cannot drop a bomb like that and expect no response from you. Good luck with this! I'd also insist on a DNA test.

FireflyRainbow · 31/03/2021 17:16

I'd be going mental. Imagine if it was the other way round. What sort out 20 something finds a young teen attractive. Sick.

FireflyRainbow · 31/03/2021 17:17

Of

greeneyedlulu · 31/03/2021 17:17

You son?? Your

SeasonFinale · 31/03/2021 17:19

If she was 18/19 when he was 15 then she can only be 19/20 when he is 16. So she may be 19. If the sex in consensual there is 2 year sentence. However my understanding is if there was a 3 year difference like this they may get a custodial sentence and sometimes the police may not even be interested.

The main thing is this baby could be your grandchild and his child. If it is do you want a relationship with your son's child or not. You need to think carefully whether you do or don't because how you react will make a massive difference as to how any form of relationship may play out going forwards.

CarefulNoww · 31/03/2021 17:35

Someone might have asked this, but did he use a condom?

If he's 16 he should know to do this surely.

toocold54 · 31/03/2021 17:39

Did he definitely not lie about his age?

I am a teacher and some of my students could easily be mistaken for grown adults so If they decided to lie to someone it would be easy for someone to believe them.

Tomyoneandonly · 31/03/2021 17:56

Yes please phone the police. Do you still have the evidence? Female's like this need to be reported just like men do. She is a danger to other young boys. I've a ds who is 15 and I would contact the police if a 18yo done this.

Original poster
redova · 31/03/2021 18:48

No I don't have the evidence but the messages still might be on his phone

OP posts:
EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 31/03/2021 18:54

If he has lied to you about seeing the woman or not, he could equally have lied to her about his age?

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