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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To report her to the police (potential tw)

132 replies

redova · 30/03/2021 20:49

I've been lurking for a while but this is my first post

My eldest is 17 in a couple of weeks. When he was 15 his friend told me that ds was talking to a woman (18/19) and he thought it was wrong but ds didn't listen. I spoke to ds and he lied at first but then he said he messaged her first and they weren't in a relationship and I thought he blocked her. A month later I found out he was meeting her but lying and saying he was meeting his mates etc. Ds said they didn't do anything and they just talked. I spoke to his school as I had no idea what to do but he told them that they were just friends. Ds then started dating a girl from his school and I thought that was the end of it. Until yesterday, Ds told me that this woman is pregnant (3/4 months I think) and she's saying he's the dad and he told me they're in a relationship. He's been refusing to talk about it as 'they've done nothing wrong' but I find this disgusting that ds is 16 and she's about 20/21.

Aibu if I phoned the police?

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 31/03/2021 09:46

No dont phone the police. You need to support him and keep your mouth closed about negative things about his gf. He is in this situation, it cant be changed. Your pushing him right into her arms if you keep on this track. You need to play long game. Meet her and accept she is part of dads life.

Hey2492 · 31/03/2021 09:51

I understand your upset op but I don’t think the police can do anything as he is 16 unless it can be proved they were together before this! I think you just need to support him. Phoning the police may strain the relationship with your DS.

When I was at school. A 16 year old lad in year 11 was dating a woman who was in her early twenties with 2 young children already. They have not been together for a long time and have children of their own now.

Hobbesmanc · 31/03/2021 10:21

Difficult for you and obviously your son must be feeling conflicted. 16 is far too young to have a child. But if she has the baby, that's your grandchild and you maybe want to consider if you would like a relationship in the future and how you might need to support your son i fatherhood. Having a hostile relationship with the mother would make that challenging.

I'd follow the advice to arrange to meet with them. Is she in full time education or working?

Naunet · 31/03/2021 10:32

I think the age gaps is pretty normal when the genders are reversed, so I would have double standards to suggest the woman is a creep just because she’s the older one.

HollysBush · 31/03/2021 10:39

How does he feel about her? Can you ask to meet her, as you would with any normal girlfriend/boyfriend of your child? Meet for a walk or a coffee with them both.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 31/03/2021 10:43

Call the police? Don't be daft. He's old enough to consent and she's only a couple of years older than him. A perfectly normal age gap.

No wonder he doesn't tell you anything. If you'd bothered to meet her instead of freak out at him when he's was first getting to know her, things could have been very different.

Grooming? They were both teenagers, you're being massively over the top.

Tell DS you cannot just forget that his girlfriend might be pregnant with his baby & that as a family you need to support her.

Obviously a DNA test will be needed, but I wouldn't go on about that right now.

Hopefully, for both their sakes, she's not pregnant, but you need to get to know her and treat her like his girlfriend not some middle aged cougar

SnooperTrooper12345 · 31/03/2021 10:48

Unfortunately police won't do anything.
You can't prove they had sex when he was under 16 and as PPs have said, I doubt he'd admit that.
Even if they did, the police don't tend to take it seriously unless there is more than a 4 year ages gap.

A similar situation happened with a friend and she was reported to the police. The police weren't interested as there was just short of 4 years between them. Even though when they first started talking and meeting up, he was 15.

Confusedandshaken · 31/03/2021 10:54

If they had sex after he turned 16 there is no offence here so don't waste police time.

Think about what you want the outcome of this to be if this baby is your son's child and your grandchild and act accordingly.

I know it's tough but I would hug him and say you support him whatever he decides and you would like to meet his girlfriend and offer her support. It might not be true but it might encourage him to continue being honest with you. Ranting at him won't help matters.

And stop going on about how disgusting it is. 20/21 is older than your son but she's hardly a Mrs Robinson figure.

catmandont · 31/03/2021 10:58

As PPs have said, DNA test is needed for sure.

Age gap is tricky, depending on whether your DS was 15 when it started and how old she actually is, you say 18/19 then 20/21

I met my first boyfriend at 18 when he was 16, admittedly he was lower 6th rather than y11, but he was in a club with a group of guys I knew to be 21/22 so I didn't realise until someone mentioned it on the way home.

81Byerley · 31/03/2021 11:05

She may be a less mature girl, who didn't feel comfortable with boys her own age, or she may have regarded him as mature for his age. Whatever, with this age gap, I wouldn't regard it as grooming. You need to meet this girl and have a sensible talk with her, not about their relationship, but about what their plans are for your potential Grandchild. Does your son feel he needs a DNA test? How much support will the girl need when the baby is born? How will she cope financially? These things are much more important than recriminations about a consensual sexual relationship, however wrong you may feel this is. When that baby is born, he/she will need parents, grandparents aunts and uncles around. And every child deserves to be welcomed into the world with love.

Crabbypaddy · 31/03/2021 11:07

This is silly. All you are going to do is push him away and I am speaking from experience!! So you might not approve of his partner, that’s fine but keep it to yourself don’t slag her off to him or cause unnecessary drama as this will only push your son (and potentially a grandchild) away. Unfortunately 16 is the legal age for consensual sex...wether someone is mature enough or not (unless of course there was AWI or other legal aspects) so phoning the police would do sweet feck all. Also what age is she? Quite a jump between 18 and 21 I would say Confused maybe you should give her a chance seen as you haven’t even met her.

DishingOutDone · 31/03/2021 11:14

I usually recommend the NSPCC helpline.

Whoscoatsthatjacket · 31/03/2021 11:15

I wouldn’t hesitate in reporting her. If they deny having sex while he was underage then they deny it but there may be some evidence on phones snd messages etc but that’s up the police to investigate.
Definitely report her x

SushiYum · 31/03/2021 11:33

If you have evidence of them contacting each other when he was under the age of consent, then I would contact the police. Wouldn’t you do the same if this was a 15 year old girl speaking to an 18-19 year old man?

SushiYum · 31/03/2021 11:37

I know it’s a bit late now, but you should’ve told your DS to wear a condom every single time he has sex. Girls can lie about being on the pill or not taking it properly.

Notoriouslynotnotious · 31/03/2021 11:50

You need to separate out 2 issues here. You are horrified and angry with who you see as someone who has abused your son and separately he sees himself as a 16 year old who might have a pregnant girlfriend.

Your son came to you for support. It is great that he opened up to you. That is what I would do in this situation with him. Release your own emotions and disquiet at a friend or partner or on Mumsnet but support your son. For the moment that involves finding out where he is at in all of this mess. The issues you see don’t compute and may never in his whole life. Although of course as a mother of teens myself I can see why you are feeling the way you do. I’d be feeling horrified and angry too but your son needs you now and I don’t think he will look to you for reassurance if you are expressing your concerns about the situation to him.

ElleDubloo · 31/03/2021 11:59

What a nightmare, I feel for you OP.

PP may be jumping to conclusions here.

When I was 19, a close friend of mine had a relationship with a 17 year old boy. It didn’t feel wrong for her at the time. She was rather vulnerable, an absolutely lovely girl but had an eating disorder and was struggling a little. He was mature for his age and the only person she felt she could connect with.

Trying hard to think what I’d do in this situation. Obviously DNA test. Meet the girl, so you can decide what kind of person she is, and whether you’re on her side or not.

Good luck!

Original poster
redova · 31/03/2021 12:40

Last night he told me they've been together for a 'while'. And he told me he doesn't want to talk about it again as she told him he 'shouldn't have told me' which i find wrong! He also told me not to tell his dad.

OP posts:
TheCrowening · 31/03/2021 12:45

@SushiYum

If you have evidence of them contacting each other when he was under the age of consent, then I would contact the police. Wouldn’t you do the same if this was a 15 year old girl speaking to an 18-19 year old man?
The police will do nothing in this case. Honestly with this sort of age gap it’s unlikely they’d do anything even with evidence of sexual activity unless the underage person is openly recording a complaint.

I think all you can do, given he is now over the age of consent and so no law has been broken, is to try to be as supportive as you can be even if you’re clear about your concerns for your son. If you butt heads with him too much about this, you might drive him away.

Scarlettpixie · 31/03/2021 13:05

An age gap like this is quite normal and no one would bat an eye if it were a 16 yo girl and 19 yo boy. My parents didn’t and they were quite strict.

Why would you call the police? What for?

You say you haven’t judged her to him but you must have said something negative for him to say he shouldn’t have told you. You need to take a breath and talk to him again. If he is the father of this baby he needs to step up snd be involved abd will need your support. Not sure how her being a couple of years older is any worse than if she were his age snd pregnant. It was just as likely to happen if he was having unprotected sex!

skirk64 · 31/03/2021 13:09

I think your first objective should be to form a working relationship with the woman. If you can be on speaking terms with her, you can perhaps persuade her to have an abortion. At the very least try to make both of them understand what a mistake they are making if they keep this baby.

If she refuses then you will just have to wait for a paternity test, probably when the baby is born. It will prove if it's his child or not, hopefully if it isn't he will realise she has been cheating on him and can move on with his life.

MaMaD1990 · 31/03/2021 13:17

I think some basic ground rules need to be put in here. He is still a child and neither him or this woman dictate what you do or do not tell your husband. Your husband has every right to know and your son will have to deal with it whether he likes it or not. As for everything else, we'll, its a total shit show really. The best I would advise is to invite this woman around for dinner or a cup of tea to go over what the plans for the baby are going forward. Given your son is only 17, I would imagine he will need your support and help and although it feels awful, starting off with a good foot with this woman is probably your best bet. I would also be encouraging a test to prove the child is his too.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 31/03/2021 13:21

Do you have any idea WHO she is?

A teacher perhaps? The secrecy part makes little sense unless she has more to lose than you yet know!

EnoughnowIthink · 31/03/2021 13:22

I think you need to be clear on her age. I am not personally comfortable with the situation and don't agree that 16 to 20 is OK. However, your age varies and it could be 15 to 20 in a worst case scenario which is most certainly problematic. Can you be sure of her age? Have you any evidence of when it started?

Regardless of 16 being the age of consent, it's still not OK for an adult to be pursuing relationships with children. It might not matter at 25 and 30 but at 15 and 20 there is a maturity and life experience in the 20 year old that the 15 year old most certainly lacks.

I think you have quite a delicate issue on your hands here, OP and the fine line between OK and not-OK is being walked. You need her exact age to be clear but I think the police may be interested if you think sex occured before the age of 16.

Spied · 31/03/2021 13:23

Phone the police and you essentially wave goodbye to your ds and future dgc.
It's a dreadful situation but I think you need to support your ds and keep the lines of communication open.

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