Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To report her to the police (potential tw)

132 replies

redova · 30/03/2021 20:49

I've been lurking for a while but this is my first post

My eldest is 17 in a couple of weeks. When he was 15 his friend told me that ds was talking to a woman (18/19) and he thought it was wrong but ds didn't listen. I spoke to ds and he lied at first but then he said he messaged her first and they weren't in a relationship and I thought he blocked her. A month later I found out he was meeting her but lying and saying he was meeting his mates etc. Ds said they didn't do anything and they just talked. I spoke to his school as I had no idea what to do but he told them that they were just friends. Ds then started dating a girl from his school and I thought that was the end of it. Until yesterday, Ds told me that this woman is pregnant (3/4 months I think) and she's saying he's the dad and he told me they're in a relationship. He's been refusing to talk about it as 'they've done nothing wrong' but I find this disgusting that ds is 16 and she's about 20/21.

Aibu if I phoned the police?

OP posts:
notlovinglockdownlife · 31/03/2021 19:03

YABU to phone the police who will not be interested.

Your son is not a "young teen", he's nearly 17 and if he is old enough to have sex he is also old enough to face up to the consequences of not using a condom. Some 16 year old boys could pass for 12, others for early 20s, he could have lied about his age and you don't even know how old his girlfriend is.

You need to put your own emotions and disapproval aside and start parenting. Find out the facts from your son, meet his girlfriend and ask them what they plan to do. Where are her parents in all this? They may well be more upset than you.

Potpourriandpennysweets · 31/03/2021 19:07

It's a dodgy situation for sure, I would not be happy, but not illegal and the police will not peruse it

HikeForward · 31/03/2021 19:15

She’s 20? She’s practically still a child. 4 years older than your son and she may be a ‘young’ 20.

I think you’re overreacting. Your son had unprotected sex (over the age of consent) and now he’s realised the consequences. She’s probably as shocked as him to find herself pregnant.

Rinoachicken · 31/03/2021 19:15

He’s made a baby.

He doesn’t get to ‘forget about it’ or not speak about it.

He thinks he’s son grown up and clever, with his older girlfriend. Doesn’t want mum and dad cramping his style and interfering.

But if he’s ‘grown up’ enough to make a baby then he’s grown up to take responsibility for it.

He’s not at all grown up or responsible of course but this is exactly the point.

No more softly softly. Time for some home truths.

HollowTalk · 31/03/2021 19:16

Well, you can't ignore it, can you, if she's going to have a baby?

You can have a non-invasive DNA test before birth. I think that's what she should do, even if you have to pay for it.

shouldistop · 31/03/2021 19:18

No, I don't think you should report potentially the mother of your grandchild to the police because she's 3/4 years older than your son. He's almost 17 so what exactly would you be reporting? That they spoke when he was 15? Unless there's proof he was being groomed then the police will not be interested.
Teenagers often have sex and sometimes they make a baby.

Dontbeme · 31/03/2021 19:18

@redova

I'll speak to him to him later I'm not sure what I'll say to get him to speak though as he just tells me to forget it and that he doesn't want to speak about it etc
Is there anyone to support you with talking to him OP? His dad, uncle or grandad? You need to be clear with him that a baby won't just go away because he wants to forget about it, as tough as it is he needs to face up to this and frankly as frightened as he may be there is a young woman pregnant with his baby that needs to be supported by him. Short sharp shock time.
Jumpers268 · 31/03/2021 19:30

You don't seem to know the timescales on things. Based on the fact she's come out as being pregnant as soon as he said he's with someone else seems a little suspicious to me. I'd be requesting a DNA test to prove he's the father. The age difference wouldn't be a massive thing for me unless she's in a position of trust (his teacher, support worker etc). I lost my virginity at 16 to someone who was 21 and it was consensual. It was in no way "sick". He needs to get over this "I don't want to talk about it". If he's old enough to have sex and say that it was consensual sex then he's old enough to talk about the fact he may be a father at 17.

SnooperTrooper12345 · 31/03/2021 19:45

People are acting like he's 15 and she's a 45 year old woman or something.
There's literally 3, maybe 4 years between them

Hairyfairy01 · 31/03/2021 20:26

To be honest I would be very wary of pushing this women away. She may be carrying your grandchild. What's done is done. Invite her round for an informal bbq or something. Try and build some bridges. She may be quite vulnerable as well and need some support. Is she definitely keeping the baby? Try and get to know her family. But yes, I would try and get your son to organise a dna test should she give birth. It's a shit situation, as difficult as it is I wouldn't be actively trying to make it any worse.

Meatshake · 31/03/2021 20:36

16/17 to 20/21 is the same age gap as me and my husband, we met when I'd just turned 16.

I don't think it's particularly bad or anyone has done anything wrong. If she is pregnant is definitely not be reporting her (not that anyone is breaking the law here anyway), you don't want to lose access to the baby.

Sounds like they have known and liked each other for quite a long time. That's kind of sweet.

Original poster
redova · 31/03/2021 20:42

I spoke to him and he got upset (which is unusual as he doesn't normally get upset) saying he doesn't want to be a dad yet and he did use a condom. He also told me he told her he didn't want to be with her anymore and that's when she told him she was pregnant (over text) and told him not to tell anyone. He then said he doesn't want to talk about it anymore

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 31/03/2021 20:48

So what did you say to him?

toocold54 · 31/03/2021 20:58

He sounds like he’s in shock.
I’d leave it tonight and then tomorrow tread carefully and just say what’s done is done and the next step would be for him to be supportive of her as he is just as responsible but that doesn’t mean he needs to be with her and then get a DNA test if there are any doubts.

Hairyfairy01 · 31/03/2021 21:32

I would put money on the fact that she is not pregnant.

OppsUpsSide · 31/03/2021 21:56

Don’t ask any more questions would be my advice, just be available to listen and support, I would ease in any questions later, or you might find if you don’t ask any he begins answering them without you having to ask. Poor kid.

sleepyhead1980 · 31/03/2021 22:03

I would feel uncomfortable with this too but as others have said there's not much you can do. You need to focus on supporting your son now he is potentially about to become a father, that's the important thing now

greeneyedlulu · 31/03/2021 22:41

@redova

I spoke to him and he got upset (which is unusual as he doesn't normally get upset) saying he doesn't want to be a dad yet and he did use a condom. He also told me he told her he didn't want to be with her anymore and that's when she told him she was pregnant (over text) and told him not to tell anyone. He then said he doesn't want to talk about it anymore
Hate to say it but it sounds like she's pulling a fast one here!
Original poster
redova · 31/03/2021 23:59

@greeneyedlulu I thought this. Ds said he asked her why she didn't tell him when she found out and then she said something like 'so you're accusing me of lying'

OP posts:
MaMaD1990 · 01/04/2021 07:33

Reading your last update, it really sounds as though she may not be pregnant...does your son know for a fact that she is? I'd seriously be calling her bluff and inviting her over for a chat (if you can convince your son to do so) and set this out to your son that she may be lying. It sounds like your son is petrified so I wouldn't be overly pushy with him but he does need to know he can't just 'not talk about it', if it's true this will impact the entire family.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 01/04/2021 07:51

Reporting this to the police and/or trying to persuade her to have an abortion are excellent ways to alienate your son and her. Potentially this is your grandchild. The pregnancy announcement sounds suspicious, I hope for your son’s sake it’s a lie.

greeneyedlulu · 01/04/2021 09:23

[quote redova]@greeneyedlulu I thought this. Ds said he asked her why she didn't tell him when she found out and then she said something like 'so you're accusing me of lying'[/quote]
Yeah its not sounding great. How is your son this morning?

SushiYum · 01/04/2021 09:40

@redova

I spoke to him and he got upset (which is unusual as he doesn't normally get upset) saying he doesn't want to be a dad yet and he did use a condom. He also told me he told her he didn't want to be with her anymore and that's when she told him she was pregnant (over text) and told him not to tell anyone. He then said he doesn't want to talk about it anymore
If she was 18/19 when he was 15 then I’d say that’s grooming. She’s now in her 20s and he’s only 16. I’d say this age gap is only acceptable when you’re an adult.

If he used a condom then the child might not be his. Look up “safeguarding signs of grooming.” A child who is withdrawn and refuses to speak about their bf or gf is a sign that they are being groomed and controlled.

SophieB100 · 01/04/2021 09:46

Is he scared of his dad's reaction? (You mentioned he doesn't want his dad to know). I think you should tell his dad, you are both his parents, and he should know. Then you can both tackle this together (I don't know if you are together, or have a decent relationship co-parenting if apart).

I think she's bluffing. I'd try and call her bluff personally. Try and meet up, be friendly but practical, ask her to do a pregnancy test (get one may be), then if it's positive, tell her a dna test will be necessary. If she refuses to do a pregnancy test, then tell her that you are struggling to believe her, so will wait for the dna.

Call her bluff - but try to handle it in a non-confrontational, friendly, practical way - just in case she's telling the truth.

Try and get his dad onside (but obviously only you know whether that would help, or fan the flames further).

Good luck.

CagneyNYPD · 01/04/2021 10:02

Woah... Hang on a minute here. So he tried to dump her and she suddenly told him she is pregnant? Good grief, oldest trick in the book.

She is an adult, your son is not. Support your ds in every way you can. He was over the age on consent and he wore a condom. She may well be pregnant but play the long game here. Is there any evidence of a 12 week scan? Midwife involvement? 20 week scan booked?

Tell your ds that there is no need to panic. Wait for evidence of an actual pregnancy and then once baby is born, arrange a DNA test. But not some dodgy Internet based test. A proper one through CMS and your GP.

I have a v strong feeling that there will be no need for a test.

Keep him close. Keep talking gently. His head is all over the place. Play the long game in case she is indeed pregnant with your gc. And think very carefully about how to talk to your ds about what he wants from this relationship moving forward.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.