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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To report her to the police (potential tw)

132 replies

redova · 30/03/2021 20:49

I've been lurking for a while but this is my first post

My eldest is 17 in a couple of weeks. When he was 15 his friend told me that ds was talking to a woman (18/19) and he thought it was wrong but ds didn't listen. I spoke to ds and he lied at first but then he said he messaged her first and they weren't in a relationship and I thought he blocked her. A month later I found out he was meeting her but lying and saying he was meeting his mates etc. Ds said they didn't do anything and they just talked. I spoke to his school as I had no idea what to do but he told them that they were just friends. Ds then started dating a girl from his school and I thought that was the end of it. Until yesterday, Ds told me that this woman is pregnant (3/4 months I think) and she's saying he's the dad and he told me they're in a relationship. He's been refusing to talk about it as 'they've done nothing wrong' but I find this disgusting that ds is 16 and she's about 20/21.

Aibu if I phoned the police?

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 01/04/2021 10:09

Bet she isn't pregnant.

TinkerPony · 01/04/2021 10:21

Inform him that he need to stay away until there proper evidence like scan to check dates.
I could be wrong but hope he didnt leave the used condom at her place.

thenewduchessofhastings · 01/04/2021 10:21

I'm so sorry this must be very difficult for you however your DS is 17 in a couple of weeks and she's 3/4 months pregnant so he's the age of consent and he says they've only been friends until he was 16.

Tbh I don't think the police will do anything;there's been plenty of people who have known older people pre 16 and become a couple with them at 16.Their partners haven't been convicted of anything.

If this child is your sons and she's keeping it then you need to start making plans to support your son;if anything this innocent child will be your grandchild and it wouldn't be right to ignore/punish the child for being conceived.

notapizzaeater · 01/04/2021 10:27

He really needs your support here, she sounds like she might be playing him, you don't want to switch your son off.

RestingPandaFace · 01/04/2021 10:40

All that you can do is keep being supportive and non judgemental, and make sure that he knows that he can talk to you.

Don’t suggest that you are suspicious of her, don’t pass judgement, or he will shut down.

You could remind him that if he wanted to end things anyway a baby doesn’t mean that they have to resume their relationship, they can co-parent with out being together.

You could also reassure him that you will support him to have a relationship with the baby and with any legal stuff.

When the time is right you could also ask if you could meet her, maybe the three of you meeting up for a walk or a coffee. That’ll allow you to get the measure of her whilst being lovely and sweet and showing lots of interest in the pregnancy.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 01/04/2021 10:43

He may not have a choice about being a dad yet. Condoms are not 100% and he is taking that risk every time he has sex. Yes he is young but if he is over the age of consent and deems himself old enough to be having sex then then he is old enough to take responsibility for his actions. It's far too big an age gap at this point in their lives for my liking but it is legal and she hasn't legally done anything wrong.

First things first, you need to reach out to this girl and ask, politely if possible, for her to do a dna test once the baby is born. It would be better if he did this himself but if he won't then you should. She will probably be offended at the implication she might have been sleeping around but it can't really be helped.

If she is keeping it and it is his then he will have to step up. He needs to make a difficult choice whether or not to be part of this child's life and he needs to understand that dipping in and out is not an option and changing his mind later isn't either.

Children need stability and it will fuck with a child's head to have an unreliable father. He is in or he is out. Either way he will still have to support the child financially once he leaves full time education or is over 19 whichever comes first.

BrilliantBetty · 01/04/2021 10:53

He needs to find out if she is actually pregnant.
Proof in the form of antenatal book / scan with her name on it etc

B33Fr33 · 01/04/2021 10:59

I'd be very concerned that she's encouraging him to lie and how manipulative she is being. I'd be, subtly, looking for evidence like asking her if he needs to go to a midwife appointment to provide family medical history, the general question about attending scans etc. If she's lying she can probably fake those things but the lie will come unstuck quickly.

Original poster

redova · 01/04/2021 11:08

Ds said that she told him that if he broke up with her he wouldn't be able to see his child. He also said that every time he tries to break up with her she threatens him (he wouldn't say what she threatens him with though). He seems really quiet today. I'm not sure if I should tell his dad either as he's going to his tomorrow but I think his dad would keep asking him questions so I'm not sure what to do

OP posts:

SophieB100 · 01/04/2021 11:16

Of course his dad would ask him questions, that's natural. Could you talk to his dad first, then you both talk to him together? Would that work? I really think she's bluffing OP, like I said before. Your DS needs to know that you both support him, and will help him. She needs to know that she can't 'play' your DS; that he has support and you all need to face this in a practical way. First thing she needs to do is prove that she is indeed pregnant: I think once she realises this, it will all go away, and she won't be able to string your DS along.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 01/04/2021 11:22

That's a load of bullshit, if the child is his, she cannot prevent access. He can apply for a court order to see the child if necessary.

user1471447863 · 01/04/2021 12:03

At this point he must also not fall for the 'one last shag as we part, and no need to bother with a condom as I'm already pregnant' trick.

greeneyedlulu · 01/04/2021 12:11

She sounds awful. You do need to tell his father though, he might open up a bit more to his dad 'man chat' kinda thing!

greeneyedlulu · 01/04/2021 12:12

@user1471447863

At this point he must also not fall for the 'one last shag as we part, and no need to bother with a condom as I'm already pregnant' trick.

Totally agree!!

crosspelican · 01/04/2021 12:21

As she has been manipulating a child this whole time, it's not unreasonable to assume she's still at it and that the pregnancy is just part of her campaign to keep him at her beck and call. Cloaking the whole thing in secrecy isolates him from his support network (i.e. his parents), and leaves him pretty much helpless to whatever she tells him.

I would be explaining that she is very much older than him and at a different life and a girlfriend his own age is much more fun, which he probably knows anyway as the implication is that he's been trying to break up with this woman for a while.

Gently ask him would he like your help delicately finding out the truth about this supposed pregnanc and extricating himself from this "relationship". I realise that it's all mortifying for him, but it would be such a relief for him to know what's going on and get her out of his life if she is lying or have an adult take over if she is telling the truth about a pregnancy.

PapaSierra · 01/04/2021 12:30

I would be very surprised if she is pregnant from your updates. She sounds very controlling and mentally ill.

I also hate to say it but be prepared for a 'miscarriage' if he goes back to her as well. (I've had a miscarriage and it makes me sick that it's even an option that someone may do this, just something to be aware of.

Has she said how far along she is?

RestingPandaFace · 01/04/2021 12:35

@redova

Keep reminding him that he has rights and she can’t stop him. You’ll be there to support him every step of the way.

Original poster

redova · 01/04/2021 16:22

She said she's 3-4 months. Ds told me that if he ever asks her questions she says he's accusing her of lying and calls him immature. I do have a feeling she's lying to try and force ds to stay with her

OP posts:

PapaSierra · 01/04/2021 17:36

DS needs to really sit down with her and get her to do PG test in front of him. She can't blame him for being skeptical given her behaviour.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 01/04/2021 19:09

If she’s 3-4 months she should be booked in with a midwife and will have had a 12 week scan?

Original poster

redova · 01/04/2021 23:03

Ds was upset earlier as he told her that their relationship was over and she was calling him immature etc and said something like 'do you really think I loved you' and apparently she only said yes to ds was because she felt sorry for him. I just feel so sad for ds

OP posts:

19lottie82 · 01/04/2021 23:18

I'd be going mental. Imagine if it was the other way round. What sort out 20
something finds a young teen attractive.
Sick.

I don’t think it’s uncommon for 16/17 yo girls to go out with 20 year old boys / men. I wouldn’t call it sick by any means.

Greenpolkadot · 02/04/2021 06:41

Of course you must tell his dad. Why shoulder this on your own

SophieB100 · 02/04/2021 07:10

Oh OP, from what you've said about her on here, she's the immature one! Do you think perhaps that could be why she's with a young lad - surely a lad her age or older would see straight through her? She sounds like a walking cliche.

Tell his dad, above poster is right - you shouldn't deal with this alone. And she needs to see that he has support, she's playing him. Call her bluff. The more I read about her, the more convinced I am that she's no more pregnant than I am!

daretodenim · 02/04/2021 07:15

She's a classic manipulator. Classic.

She's all about emotion and his powerlessness. You can change that up by giving him information. Maybe bring some rationality in. Assume she is pregnant (although I think she's not). Tell him about when the scans are. Tell him that with covid he might not be able to go in but he can meet her outside and see the picture. Tell him which week the 2nd scan is. Show him online what his rights are regarding seeing his own child ie she can't prevent him from seeing the child. He needs to see this with his own eyes, not just have mum tell him. He needs to know that he does not need to be with her at all.

Be totally understanding, kind and "mothering" of him. You need to be the safe, comfortable place more than ever to make her behaviour more uncomfortable.

And when she has a "miscarriage" support him as if she had.

In the meantime, get hold of his phone/friend and get more details about her.

His father needs to know because keeping it from him will only cause bigger issues. But give him the chance to tell his dad himself first. If he doesn't feel comfortable this weekend, then you'll do it afterwards. Tell him that when someone is going to become a grandparent you don't keep that a secret.

What a nightmare OP. I hope she comes clean (which she might do in a moment of spite) and disappears into the ether. DS may need some counseling after this - he's been groomed almost undoubtedly. Manipulated for a prolonged period for sure.

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