Reporting your son

[Aqua55]

Looking at the rape culture in schools, and having a 7 month ds myself, i was wondering how many parents would report their school aged sons to the Police if they suspected or knew that they had committed a sexual assault.

According to the law, only a man can commit rape (as the penetration has to be with a penis).

@Landofsmiles

I have a son. I would never report him for anything. In fact I would actively protect him no matter the circumstances. I know that's awful for others who may be affected but I'm his mother and that's my job. I'd die before I'd consider reporting him. Most people probably feel the same but not many will say it.

Do you think it is "protecting" him to shield him from the consequences of his actions?

If your son was beaten up, or raped (male rape does happen), would you like to think that the mother of his assailant protected her son? Had perhaps been protecting him for some time, and that was why your child suffered?

There was, I believe, one case in UK history in which a woman was convicted of rape, as a ‘joint enterprise’*, because she had been restraining the victim while a man committed the rape. Hideous.

Acting alone though, no, a woman cannot commit rape according to UK law.

*‘Joint enterprise’ might not have been the wording of the charge, but it was something along those lines. ie she assisted and enabled the crime to take place.

@waterlego If my other child was the victim I honestly can't be sure how I'd deal with it. As I said, I'd protect both my children so in that situation it would be my other child that would need the protection. I'm not saying other people's children aren't equally deserving of protection in general but my children are more deserving of MY protection because I created and raised them. If your child and another child of equal age were going to fall off a cliff and you could only save 1 are you saying you wouldn't save your own child? I prioritise my kids over other people's because as a mum they are my priority. Other mums prioritise their own kids so it balances out. Like I said, I'd feel awful for the victim but it wouldn't stop me prioritising my own child, however bad that makes me as a person I fully accept.

@FireflyRainbow

My son and other boys got sent a video on snapchat of a boy in his class sexually assaulting his naked little sister. My son showed me when he opened it, it was fucking awful. Obviously rang the police though nothing happened (that I know off) kids still in my sons school.

Unfortunately one thing that is not verY well recognised is puberty having an earlier onset age.

This does present real problems for both sexes. You have those feelings earlier, and in deprived areas, younger again. It does need dealing with, in primary and secondary education. The age of sexual assault is declining.

Also, it’s not rocket science, boys who are doing this are just badly parented. You see the results all over MN. Respect is an action, not words.

@itsalonghaul sorry I put after that I got told social services were looking into it. Can you believe the school told me to tell my son not to say anything to anyone else at school about it though. I assume they asked the same of the other parents. Makes me feel so uneasy.

Ok, interesting, wasn't aware there was a legal definition of rape in that sense. Couldn't a woman penetrate a man with a finger or dildo/other foreign object?

I can vouch for the sex offenders wing being a lonely place with very few if any visitors. As part of my job I see that from my visits, and it is the worst place to be in a prison. I would rather sit with someone convicted for murder. The segregation wing (they are put there for their own safety) where all of the predators are put has to be one of the most grim places on earth, with the most depraved people you can imagine.

@SchadenfreudePersonified I think I'd be very surprised if a mother came forward and reported her son in those circumstances. Obviously, I'd appreciate it but I'd expect the complete opposite. Lots of people on here saying they'd do the right thing and report but I don't think that's what most of the population actually would do. People protect their own and it's a rarity for a family member to speak out against their own family.

biff no, that is sexual assault.

@Biffbaff

Ok, interesting, wasn't aware there was a legal definition of rape in that sense. Couldn't a woman penetrate a man with a finger or dildo/other foreign object?

Yes. That is sexual assault not rape

I totally agree about love being unconditional, and I don't think that my dc could do anything that would make me stop loving them. I have also always said that they can tell me anything, and I will still love them, no matter what. But for me, loving them unconditionally wouldn't mean covering up for them...it would mean helping them to face up to the consequences of what they had done

Completely agree Alexa

I know none of us know what we would do until the worst happens, but I truly don't believe I would protect my son if he committed a violent crime - and I don't believe it would be in his interest if I did. I would still love my child - but that doesn't mean that I would let him get away with some horrible assault against someone else's

Ok, interesting, wasn't aware there was a legal definition of rape in that sense. Couldn't a woman penetrate a man with a finger or dildo/other foreign object?

That would be sexual assault, as it would if a man did the same to a woman. Sexual assault carries the same maximum terms as rape.

*term

If your child and another child of equal age were going to fall off a cliff and you could only save 1 are you saying you wouldn't save your own child?

I would of course save my own child, while my heart broke for the other one. I hope I’m not alone in giving that answer.

But I don’t think it works well as an analogy because it describes an accident; a freak occurrence where noone is at fault.

One’s child committing a crime where a victim inevitably suffers is a different scenario. I believe in justice and not only for other people. If I commit a crime, it is perfectly reasonable for me to be held to account for it. Same goes for my DCs.

It is difficult because boys do not grow up within a vacuum. There is no excuse for sexual abuse or assault of any kind, but the truth is that teenage boys (and girls) are growing up against an utterly toxic societal background which pressures them into certain behaviours. Teenagers have developing brains and poor impulse control. Some will make mistakes and some of those mistakes will be dreadful and affect other people. It doesn't necessarily make them lifelong sexual predators. Reporting them may destroy their lives when a large part of the blame for their behaviour should be attributed to a system which tacitly condones and encourages sexually aggressive behaviour.

On the other hand, we have to start somewhere. Girls have had to put up with too much for too long. Zero tolerance is really the only way forward.

@waterlego Probably not a great analogy but my point was that whenever it's between my child and someone else's I'll always choose my child no matter what they've done wrong. I fully accept if that makes me a terrible member of society but it's just the way I feel and I'd rather be honest about it than pretend I'd turn on my child in any circumstance.

@LaceyBetty

But this messaging at the moment, that there is an inevitability to girls' victimhood and boys' violence needs to change - because it isn't inevitable, and it starts with their upbringing.

@Biffbaff are you seriously suggesting that a girl's upbringing has something to do with her being a victim of male violence. I hope that's not what you are saying.

Sometimes, yes, sadly.

My sister is in an abusive relationship. Obviously the man is responsible for the actual abuse. But my sister's lack of self esteem, her feeling that this is "what relationships are like", her fear of being alone/single, that is on her and the messages she has internalised from our culture/upbringing. She is also going to have to find it within herself to call it a day and leave him. That takes personal strength and that kind of inner security can be built in childhood.

@Biffbaff

Ok, interesting, wasn't aware there was a legal definition of rape in that sense. Couldn't a woman penetrate a man with a finger or dildo/other foreign object?

Yes. And it would be sexual assault.

Rape is a male crime because it involves sexual gratification of a male body without consent. A woman cannot do the same.

I respect your honesty @Landofsmiles, if not your morals! Fingers crossed your DCs will avoid criminal behaviour. Most do, I’m sure.

@Ncforthistoday

I'm so sorry for what you and your family have had to go through.

When I was a child my friend confided in me her brother had assaulted her multiple times and asked if She should tell which she did.

Her Mum reported him herself and he did sl get sentenced for the crime and the mother never spoke to him again last time I heard and the Dad just sent letters.

It's a pain for all the family for very different reasons and I can imagine as a parent a lot of self blame goes around in your head.

But you provided safety to your DC once you knew what was happening and they'll never forget your courage.

No, my point is that treating girls like they are victims and boys like they are attackers is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Raising all children to be mutually respectful and responsible would be better

I'm with you on this one, there is always a danger that this can swing too far to girls always being the victim.

Having experienced this, it is so hard for all young people. DS goes to a party meets a girl who is at the party with her bf, he shares a bed with her and her friend. DS is accused of sexual assault. Shouldn't all of those, male and female have behaved better? Who is at fault here? All of them?

[quote Landofsmiles]@SchadenfreudePersonified I think I'd be very surprised if a mother came forward and reported her son in those circumstances. Obviously, I'd appreciate it but I'd expect the complete opposite. Lots of people on here saying they'd do the right thing and report but I don't think that's what most of the population actually would do. People protect their own and it's a rarity for a family member to speak out against their own family.[/quote]
This is a problem; having a sex offender on your family is very stigmatising.

You might not be amazed to know it is covered up, dripping through generations of abusive families.

The only real protections are to be very careful when choosing a partner, their relationship with parents and so on.

@Hamhockandmash

To your question I believe I would keep in contact with them via letter/phone call but not sure about in person/regular. I guess it would depend on level of remorse/time spent etc.

Also thanks for correcting me on the legal definitions!