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AIBU?

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Original poster

Reporting your son

510 replies

Aqua55 · 30/03/2021 12:44

Looking at the rape culture in schools, and having a 7 month ds myself, i was wondering how many parents would report their school aged sons to the Police if they suspected or knew that they had committed a sexual assault.

OP posts:
Biffbaff · 30/03/2021 16:45

@Naunet

The girls are victims / boys are attackers narrative is a very dangerous one

So you want us to ignore facts, because that’s more helpful somehow?!

No, my point is that treating girls like they are victims and boys like they are attackers is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Raising all children to be mutually respectful and responsible would be better.

Most sexual assaults are committed by people known to the victim. So maybe educate your children about the company they choose to keep, the boundaries they should be setting and the self esteem they need to build.

Deedeedocket · 30/03/2021 16:46

Interestingly my son and I had a conversation about this very recently, he is taking sociology and there was a debate in class.

I told him I would report him and my instinct would be to believe the girl (I say this as a victim of rape and sexual assault carried out by his father - he is not aware of this).

He said what if it then turned out in court she was lying and admitted to lying, you would have turned your back on me. I honestly had no answer for that.

expectopelargonium · 30/03/2021 16:46

@NEVERQUIT3331

A lot of mothers or fathers would not and that is a fact. People can say things easily "I would report because it is the right thing to do."

But the reality is that a lot would not. What is the most beloved thing to a parent? Their child. And the fact is there would be a lot of cover up.

Lets ask this question if you gave up your son/daughter for a crime and you know they would get the death penalty would you? Most would not. It is easy to say you believe in death penalty for others but when it is your own child your opinion would most likely change.

It could be argued that prison for life is worse than death in some instances as some see death is an easy way out. I think in short unless any of us is put in that situation we do not know how we will react. But it won't be surprising people covering up for their children.

We don't have the death penalty in the UK. Nor does 'life' mean life in prison until they carry you out in a box. Usually they are out in less than 20 years. Some, considerably less and sadly, for rape, sentencing can be surprisingly short.
Naunet · 30/03/2021 16:47

Can I slightly derail and ask everyone another question - if this was your son/brother/father who committed such a crime, if they admitted etc, would you support them through the process, still visit them in jail, see them when they get out?

Absolutely not, they’re dead to me. And I know this for a fact because I’ve not spoken to my dad in almost 20 years for this reason. I also have nothing to do with my brother, he’s not raped anyone (as far as I know), but he is mentally abusive, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he became physical. I’ll never defend abusive men, no matter who they are.

Landofsmiles · 30/03/2021 16:47

@Nanny0gg I have a son and a daughter. I'd protect them both no matter what. It's fine that you disagree. Everyone parents differently and that's just what being a parent means to me personally.

LaceyBetty · 30/03/2021 16:48

But this messaging at the moment, that there is an inevitability to girls' victimhood and boys' violence needs to change - because it isn't inevitable, and it starts with their upbringing.

@Biffbaff are you seriously suggesting that a girl's upbringing has something to do with her being a victim of male violence. I hope that's not what you are saying.

ReginaFalange85 · 30/03/2021 16:49

He is 7 months and you are thinking of this?? Wow.

LaceyBetty · 30/03/2021 16:50

@Biffbaff just read your next post and see you actually are victim blaming in the truest sense of the word.

ancientgran · 30/03/2021 16:50

No, my point is that treating girls like they are victims and boys like they are attackers is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Raising all children to be mutually respectful and responsible would be better.

That's how I feel.

He said what if it then turned out in court she was lying and admitted to lying, you would have turned your back on me. I honestly had no answer for that.

That would be a hard thing to deal with. I'm not sure anyone would fully recover from that.

Naunet · 30/03/2021 16:50

No, my point is that treating girls like they are victims and boys like they are attackers is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Raising all children to be mutually respectful and responsible would be better

That’s projection - unless you have proof this happens? Ignoring the facts is whats dangerous. Pretending that girls are just as likely to attack someone is just false, why should girls be tarred with that? I’ve never heard anyone suggest ignoring the truth helps the problem when talking about any other topic. For example, do you think it’s helpful to ignore skin colour when talking about racism?

LaceyBetty · 30/03/2021 16:51

Most sexual assaults are committed by people known to the victim. So maybe educate your children about the company they choose to keep, the boundaries they should be setting and the self esteem they need to build.

Wow.

Biffbaff · 30/03/2021 16:51

@Itsalonghaul

The girls are victims / boys are attackers narrative is a very dangerous one

Girls can't physically rape men, so I do think girls are more vulnerable to attack - yes. The stats tell us that it is the case that it is mostly boys that rape and assault girls, the facts speak for themselves. So we can't really reframe it any other way, because that would be false.

Of course women can rape men. You don't need a penis to be a rapist.

But also I wasn't disputing the fact that most victims are women/girls, statistically speaking. I was saying the narrative, the cultural discourse, that girls are victims and men are attackers is damaging. In other words I feel that narrative reinforces the patriarchy. Sorry I didn't make that clear. The statistics of actual crimes committed are self explanatory, I am not disputing those.

LookAtWhatYouCouldHaveWon · 30/03/2021 16:52

@multivac

Anyone who is saying with confidence, 'I would', OR 'I wouldn't' is deluded.

You don't know.

You can't know.

You can state what you believe to be right, or likely. But that's it. Extreme circumstances lead to entirely unpredictable reactions.

Oh i do know. I absolutely do know.

The abuser of my children was my then stepson. I had no hesitation about reporting him to the police, neither did my then husband, his father.

His mother however, after he was arrested said 'he must have been influenced by the computer games he plays'

nancywhitehead · 30/03/2021 16:52

The key part of your question for me is "school age" - so you're talking about people under the age of 16, yes?

In these cases I would want to understand the value of reporting to the police. What are the police going to do that you can't do as a parent, in terms of educating them about appropriate behaviour in relationships?

I would want to be looking at the individual child, what actually happened, what harm was caused and whether I'd think it was beneficial for the police to have a word or not.

Soubriquet · 30/03/2021 16:54

@Biffbaff

Actually, legally, woman can’t rape men

Rape is defined as being penetrated by a penis.

Women can sexual assault a man but never rape

waterlego · 30/03/2021 16:56

I have a son. I would never report him for anything. In fact I would actively protect him no matter the circumstances.

And if the victim of his crime was another one of your children? (As in the horrendous situation described upthread by a poster).

Would you still actively protect him? Even though doing so meant you were failing to protect your other child?

If that changes your answer then I’d be interested to know why you wouldn’t think other people’s children were equally deserving of protection as your own?

ancientgran · 30/03/2021 16:57

@LaceyBetty

Most sexual assaults are committed by people known to the victim. So maybe educate your children about the company they choose to keep, the boundaries they should be setting and the self esteem they need to build.

Wow.

I think you can read it two ways. I can see how you read it and Wow would be appropriate. I read it as bring up our daughters to take no shit and know their own worth so that the man they pick is worthy of them.
DiscordandRhyme · 30/03/2021 16:59

Assault? Yes.

Harassment Id try talking to them first and seeking help if that seemed appropriate.

That's what I think I would do. DS is 3 weeks old but I would do the same if my girls assaulted someone (sexual or physical) or picked on someone.

Itsalonghaul · 30/03/2021 17:02

biff maybe, just maybe BOYS need to stop assaulting and raping girls in the first place, and we wouldn't have this problem! No amount of self esteem is going to save you if you have been drugged and raped. It is not okay to even suggest that if we raised girls to be confident (which we do anyway) what difference does it make when someone goes armed and prepared to a party???

You are absolutely out of order to even suggest such a thing.

Boys, all boys from the age of five onwards need to know about respect, full stop. If they are already respectful great, but if they are not then they should know that it will not be acceptable to anyone, anywhere in their lives. It will be called out immediately.

FireflyRainbow · 30/03/2021 17:02

My son and other boys got sent a video on snapchat of a boy in his class sexually assaulting his naked little sister. My son showed me when he opened it, it was fucking awful. Obviously rang the police though nothing happened (that I know off) kids still in my sons school.

ReginaFalange85 · 30/03/2021 17:02

Are you all understanding this? He is 7 months old!!! He is a baby!!!

FireflyRainbow · 30/03/2021 17:03

I say nothing happened, social services got involved.

Itsalonghaul · 30/03/2021 17:03

biff and just so you know you can't be charged with rape without a penis! Most girls do not have penises.

Itsalonghaul · 30/03/2021 17:05

fire wow, that is horrendous. Absolutely horrendous. Why aren't the parents asking the school what action was taken? If the child is still in the family home those children are at risk, severe risk. Call social services fire and ask them to look into it. Don't wait for the school to sort it out, some are utterly useless.

waterlego · 30/03/2021 17:05

Yes @ReginaFalange85, I think we’re all aware of that. The OP is not suggesting her baby is capable of assaulting anyone at present.

Everyone alive was a 7 month old baby at one point.