To be fuming (maternity leave related)

[greyandwhiteeeeee]

I have an 8 day old baby who is (understandably) waking every 2 hours or more during the night for cuddles, milk etc etc.

We are bottle feeding him and my husband has two weeks paternity leave, followed by two weeks annual leave.

Not once in the last week has he offered to do a night feed. I'm exhausted. He rolls the other way and goes back to sleep while I sit for up to two hours trying to get baby back to sleep.

I raised it and he replied "well what are you going to do when I go back to work and can't do night feeds?" as if he's doing me a favour by leaving me to it!! He also said "do you want me to sit awake and watch you feed him?"

I'm infuriated!!!!!!!!

I found with my kids I’d just do all night stuff BUT I get all lay ins every day of the week and I go for naps in the day, it works better for us that way. My DH cannot wake in the night. He pulls his weight in the day though.

He’s being a dick. Did he not realise this was an unavoidable part of having a baby?!

Unfortunately you're married to a misogynist who thinks women are responsible for everything to do with children. Let me guess - his contribution to housework is taking the bins out?

Is he feeding baby during the day so you can sleep?

He’s being an absolute arse. My husband split the night feeds 50/50 for his 6 weeks of paternity leave and continued to do so after he went back to work because you’re supposed to be a team.

Jab him in the ribs and tell him he’s meant to be an equal parent and he needs to step the fuck up.

I bf but if we’d ff I’d have expected DH to do half the feeding.

And as if anyone just doesn’t wake up

Some people find it harder than others but babies don’t give a shit and need fed and cared for no matter how precious some dads think they are.

@Mylovelyhorsee

I found with my kids I’d just do all night stuff BUT I get all lay ins every day of the week and I go for naps in the day, it works better for us that way. My DH cannot wake in the night. He pulls his weight in the day though.

We had a similar set up. DH was a nightmare to live with with broken sleep (and he is truly lovely in all other respects). It was easier all round for me to do night feeds and for him to do loads of stuff during the day. I never felt he wasn’t doing his bit because he did do just about everything - cleaning, shopping, cooking, laundry. I just did the baby stuff.

He's fed him just now but that's purely because I've kicked up such a fuss. Otherwise, I'm doing the majority. On top of all the constant loading and unloading of the washing machine etc and all the other stuff that comes with it.

In fairness to him, he cooks dinner generally.

You need a routine that involves hubby. Cooking isn't going to cut it, he needs to do the rest, cleaning/washing & help with baby. He has bigger responsibilities now so he needs to get with the programme.

I'd point out that his parenting duties don't stop when he returns to work, and he should be continuing to do some of the nights then, so he should start getting used to it now.

With my ff first, we split nights 50-50 for the nearly 4 years until she started sleeping through, so he may as well get used to it.

We had a similar set up. DH was a nightmare to live with with broken sleep (and he is truly lovely in all other respects). It was easier all round for me to do night feeds and for him to do loads of stuff during the day. I never felt he wasn’t doing his bit because he did do just about everything - cleaning, shopping, cooking, laundry. I just did the baby stuff.

We did this too, it worked out well.

He's being a dick.

Also when he returns to work he shouldn't get out of night feeds. My DH did all night wakings on a friday night and we alternated saturdays. Sun to thurs nights I did as he was working and I was on mat leave. He did bathtimes those days so he could bond and give me a break. As soon as mat leave ended it went 50/50 completely with the friday and sat nights being one night off for each of us.

Even 6 years later we alternate bath and bedtimes. No night wakings- thank god.

This is the only way that is fair to both of you. Stand your ground.

In his line of work and due to shift patterns I wouldn't expect him to wake for night feeds once he returns, especially given I'm on mat leave. I don't know why I'm kidding myself here as I probably knew this would be the situation. It's just annoying. I'm fed up of doing everything all of the time and that's not just baby stuff.

He's got no choice this morning. I've left baby downstairs with him and I've come up for a lie down.

Paternity leave is for helping, not a 2 week holiday. He should be helping and using this as a time adjust to being woken up before he goes back to work.

We used to organise which feeds we'd do . So for example DP would do the one before bed, say 10pm, I would do the 2pm one, DP would do 4pm so he'd still have time to get some sleep before work, and then I'd do the rest. (although would still alternate during the day when he was off and on a weekend)

Oh dear.

Perhaps you need a proper sit down and discuss what you think is a fair division.

I would explain to him that resentment in the early years of childrearing leads to marital breakdown quite regulalrly so he should be mindful of the path he chooses.

Don't sweep it under the carpet, get it sorted now. It will only get worse if you let him ignore the issue.

OP my DH was exactly the same i could have written this myself. That was 3 years ago and it never really got much better but luckily DD settled into a good routine sooner rather than later and I got used to it and muddled through. Really wish things had changed but it can't have been as terrible as it felt as I'm a week away from baby 2!

Keep asking for help and make sure you nap during the day.

YANBU at all. His paternity leave isn’t a holiday, and you’ve just spent 9 months growing his child, then giving birth and adjusting to having a newborn. I would feel the same way.
You’ve done the right thing by leaving him to it this morning. When he’s on paternity leave, baby & house chores should be split equally. You need to sit down and agree who is going to do what when he returns to work before he goes back.

When I had DD, DP did more than 50%, he did all the washing and cooking, half the bath times and half the night wakings during his pat leave.
When my DP went back to work, I did the nights Sun-Thurs, and he did Fri & Sat, and we alternated lie-ins. He also did every single dream feed (11pm in our case), from day 1, meaning I could go to bed and have a good 4-5 hrs before the first night feed around 2. When I went back to work, we alternated night feeds.
It is hard, for you especially. Have a chat with him, or if a discussion just prompts aggro, write down a suggested timetable and share it reminding him that he is equally responsible in the care of your child.
And congratulations on your new baby, good luck!

Just last night my husband got up for an hr at 4am with our 2 year old for whom sleep has always been optional

We are both working, him more hrs than me.

Anyway, with a newborn I went to bed at 8pm leaving EBF. DH had baby until 1/2am feed so I got sleep. We did this even when he returned to work.

Could this work for you?

Umm well why did he think they gave him maternity leave? If he’d had an operation and was recovering, does he want you to leave him to it as you won’t have time to coddle him a few weeks down the track so no point him getting used to it? Does he ever want you to be nice to him again, or does he actually believe there’s no point ever parenting since he can’t be around 24/7 for ever? If so, why did he make the huge mistake of sounding like he wanted a baby with you?

Re housework I did more once I got over my section, but I’ve never managed to do ‘house’ while doing childcare and we were out most days anyway, so while I still did more on mat (75%?) it would be while he had baby.

How much did he do before baby? Can he go back to that at least?

Do make sure you still share it on mat otherwise on return to work you’ll be left with the burden.

And I forgot in my last post...

Congratulations

Obviously I mean paternity leave. You know; that government mandated period of leave for men so they can support a partner in parenting a new baby and caring for partner post birth.

You both need to read this, OP. Congatulations, btw.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4204354-What-is-it-that-makes-men-change-once-you-have-DC

He needs to be pulling his weight on his paternity leave to help you recover from the birth and spend time with the baby. Then once he's back to work fair enough if he can't do the night feeds but he needs to help with everything else.

When I had my baby, I did nights as my H didn’t get any paternity leave (self employed) but I told him very clearly what he would be doing throughout the rest of the day. He listened and did it. I was doing the nights, it was his baby too, I’d been pregnant and given birth (CS) and so he knew it was his time to step up and he did. He surprised me by being as nurturing as he was, and would regularly bring me tea and snacks unprompted, but also, he was so new to babies (so was I but I have many, many nieces and nephews) that he appreciated having his role explained to him.

It would have been great if he’d instinctively known but it wasn’t realistic so I told him. And he did it.

Could you try that?

Congratulations on your new baby. I'm sorry your partner isn't pulling his weight.

My baby is 14 weeks today and DP has yet to do a night feed. The crib is on my side of the bed, he finds it too difficult to lift him in and out of the crib, he can't sit in bed comfortably to feed him etc etc. he's suddenly started working 7 days a week too. Dickhead.