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Original poster

To be fuming (maternity leave related)

129 replies

greyandwhiteeeeee · 30/03/2021 10:21

I have an 8 day old baby who is (understandably) waking every 2 hours or more during the night for cuddles, milk etc etc.

We are bottle feeding him and my husband has two weeks paternity leave, followed by two weeks annual leave.

Not once in the last week has he offered to do a night feed. I'm exhausted. He rolls the other way and goes back to sleep while I sit for up to two hours trying to get baby back to sleep.

I raised it and he replied "well what are you going to do when I go back to work and can't do night feeds?" as if he's doing me a favour by leaving me to it!! He also said "do you want me to sit awake and watch you feed him?"

I'm infuriated!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
everybodysang · 30/03/2021 11:35

Wow he does need to pull his weight. Don't let it fester, you need to talk to him and make sure he is doing his share. DD was EBF but DH would often get her for me in the first month or so (after an EMCS and we had a stupid low bed which was really hard to get out of with a c section scar!!!). He also did EVERYTHING else. All the housework. All the meals. Everything. And I did the nights.

MotherWol · 30/03/2021 11:38

*He's fed him just now but that's purely because I've kicked up such a fuss. Otherwise, I'm doing the majority. On top of all the constant loading and unloading of the washing machine etc and all the other stuff that comes with it.

In fairness to him, he cooks dinner generally.*

So basically you do all the work except dinner, and he expects you to be grateful? Sod that, LTB and sign up for Deliveroo.

MinnieMous3 · 30/03/2021 11:39

So tell him you’re not getting out of bed for the next one and he will have to do it? What do you want us to do about it? MN is just a sounding board for women who don’t want to deal with their lazy husbands at the moment.

LyndaSnellsSniff · 30/03/2021 11:42

Why do some men think that having a baby is some sort of vanity project for women?? In my case DH was pretty good about everything but I still had to do all the mental work.

His mum was astonished that he would do anything to help with our DCs and made many a snippy comment if I asked him for help. Still does really, 14 years on.

BuckysArm · 30/03/2021 11:44

It doesn’t matter what the situation will be like in a few weeks, right now he can share the load. I’m always so thankful for how DH was when DD was born. He’d wake up so I could do laying down feeds while still sleeping. We knew it wasn’t going to be like that forever but he wanted to make sure I got as much rest as possible first.

He’s making a rod for his own back if he doesn’t help you to recover while he can.

SinkGirl · 30/03/2021 11:45

The point of paternity leave is for him to pull his weight in caring for a newborn, not a nice two week holiday for him. What you’ll do when he goes back to work isn’t relevant, he’s not working now (although DH continued to help with nights once he went back to work and still does now they are 4 and still don’t sleep - I would have been committed if I’d had to do all this alone).

Ask him why he thinks it’s all your responsibility? Why doesn’t he feel the need to be an equal parent? He’s pathetic.

JSL52 · 30/03/2021 11:51

He cooks the dinner ? So what ? There's more to running a home and having a new baby than that.
I think you need to sit down and make a rota , you shouldn't have to obviously but some men need it spelt out.

SeaToSki · 30/03/2021 11:51

My DH and I split the nights, he is more of a night owl, so would stay up to midnight and do the late feeds, any feeds after midnight were mine and then I would get up with the baby in the morning and let him have a lie in until 8. I would go to bed right after dinner, so I had had a reasonable stretch of uninterrupted sleep too.

You just have to make sure that you have a deal that if he doesnt wind the baby properly after his last night feed and the baby wakes back up quickly, he is on the hook for that resettling!

MangoBiscuit · 30/03/2021 11:51

What the fuck does it matter what you do in 3 weeks when he goes back?! Right now you are healing from birth, and he needs to be stepping up and doing at least half the wake ups so you can rest and heal ready for when he does go back.

PatchworkElmer · 30/03/2021 11:54

Flipping heck, the point of paternity leave is getting to know his child and supporting you! You’ve just given birth, your body is recovering and he should be giving you every opportunity to rest.

DS was FF from fairly early on. DH and I took one night each when he was on paternity leave. Then when he went back to work, on week days he stayed up with DS in the living room until midnight so that I could get a solid block of sleep- then I did the rest of the night. He also normally took DS for half an hour each morning so that I could shower before he left for work. At the weekends, we took one night each (and got one lay in each).

AnotherBoredOne · 30/03/2021 11:55

Sort this poor attitude now, both of you had this child. Both should step up.

Viviennemary · 30/03/2021 11:55

Of course he needs to take a turn with the night feeds when he is off on paternity leave. When he goes back to work he needs to pull his weight around the house. Washing cleaning and so on.

WallaceinAnderland · 30/03/2021 12:00

Do you not talk to each other? All through your pregnancy and the last 8 weeks, have you not had a sensible discussion about how you are going to parent?

daffodilsandprimroses · 30/03/2021 12:01

Mine wanted me to FF ‘so I can help with night feeds.’ Three months om has done precisely three night feeds Hmm

NotATomato · 30/03/2021 12:02

So did he have a baby so he could just coo at it? Have you pointed out that you are supposed to be a team or was he always planning on opting out of parenting?

I don’t see how him making dinner generally makes up for anything. Set your bar higher.

Making dinner, feeding the baby, changing nappies, doing the chores is just stuff that needs doing in a house that you live in. He’s treating his paternity leave like a holiday.

emilyfrost · 30/03/2021 12:03

It should be 50/50. Even when he goes back to work - night wakings should be 50/50. Shift patterns are irrelevant; you can work around them. If he’s on early, you do it. If he’s on late, he does it.

You’re equal parents, you do an equal share of parenting. You may not be getting paid but you’re still working.

Cornettoninja · 30/03/2021 12:03

Please don’t give him ‘credit’ for things he would have to do anyway if he was living by himself.... that’s just being an adult. He’s not doing anything extra or particularly amazing by cooking a bigger portion. I’d rather sort out my own food if the payoff was that counted in some way towards everything else that needs to be done.

It grates me how women are treated after giving birth. It’s a hugely physical trauma even if it went really well yet the societal view is we should just bounce back to firing on all cylinders. You’d get cut more slack if you’d passed a kidney stone.

emilyfrost · 30/03/2021 12:07

My baby is 14 weeks today and DP has yet to do a night feed. The crib is on my side of the bed, he finds it too difficult to lift him in and out of the crib, he can't sit in bed comfortably to feed him etc etc. he's suddenly started working 7 days a week too. Dickhead.

@Larryslockdownlunch Why are you putting up with that? Confused

If the crib is on your side of the bed, when you take turns you can just switch sides of the bed. Problem solved. If he can’t sit in bed comfortably, you find a way he can. Problem solved.

Whatever excuse he comes up with, you tell him how you can fix it or he sucks it up.

Don’t sit there being angry with him and expecting it to change, it won’t. You need to make the change happen.

TheSparkleJar · 30/03/2021 12:12

well what are you going to do when I go back to work and can't do night feeds?

But he's not at work now. What does he think paternity leave is, a two week reward for ejaculating nine months ago??

Start insisting. All month.

Lockdownbear · 30/03/2021 12:15

@Mylovelyhorsee

I found with my kids I’d just do all night stuff BUT I get all lay ins every day of the week and I go for naps in the day, it works better for us that way. My DH cannot wake in the night. He pulls his weight in the day though.
That pretty much worked for us too esp when BFeeding.
B1rthis · 30/03/2021 12:18

You are right to be fuming.
Men's oxytocin levels are affected by birth/parenting too and he should want to spend quality time nurturing and doing housework for his child and family.
I would sit down with him and tell him that you from this day for the next two weeks you won't be doing anything except holding and loving your baby. It's now down to him to do all house work and all night feeds and changes if you choose to continue bottle feeding.
After two weeks you will do the housework for just you and the baby from 9-5 but you expect dinner on the table for you by 6pm every weekday without exception. (Turn sexism around!)
If he turns his nose up at this, ask him to stay somewhere else for the next fortnight because he's getting in the way.

C8H10N4O2 · 30/03/2021 12:20

A sharp kick in the shins improves the hearing of fathers who "don't hear the baby".

Do alternate nights rather than alternate feeds but he has to do his share - its paternity leave, not a free holiday.

Shift working doesn't mean a free pass either - just a bit more planning around who does what and when so that both of you get some sleep and some down time.

Milkshake7489 · 30/03/2021 12:21

You deserve better OP. Don't let him get away with not parenting his own baby.

I know this doesn't work for everyone but me and DH share night feeds even now he's back at work. Doing his fair share during paternity leave is the bare minimum you should expect...

SunshineCake · 30/03/2021 12:26

He is a dick. Horrible man. My dh helped with every single night feed even when he was working every day with u to an hour to get to work and the same back each night so tell him straight he will be parenting as many nights as necessary.

Mine would bring the baby for me to breast feed then change the baby if needed but always wind and put back. DH enjoyed the bonding time.

NotATomato · 30/03/2021 12:30

Shift working is no excuse! I work shifts! Plenty of women work shifts, doesn’t get us out of looking after our children.

If you’re doing the majority of it anyway he probably just sees the baby as an extension of your other jobs. You need to nip this in the bud. Now.

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