Page 5 | To be fuming (maternity leave related)

greyandwhiteeeeee · 2021-03-30T09:21:58+00:00

I have an 8 day old baby who is (understandably) waking every 2 hours or more during the night for cuddles, milk etc etc. We are bottle feeding him and my husband has two weeks paternity leave, followed by two weeks annual leave. Not once in the last week has he offered to do a night feed. I'm exhausted. He rolls the other way and goes back to sleep while I sit for up to two hours trying to get baby back to sleep. I raised it and he replied "well what are you going to do when I go back to work and can't do night feeds?" as if he's doing me a favour by leaving me to it!! He also said "do you want me to sit awake and watch you feed him?" I'm infuriated!!!!!!!!

BeeDavis · 30/03/2021 16:31

If you don’t put shut this shit down right at the beginning then you’re in for a hard few years of raising this child.

notalwaysalondoner · 30/03/2021 17:01

So - what's the solution?

I'm 24 weeks with DC1, DH is I'd say fairly typical - he does a fair bit around the house, but we're definitely not 50/50, I do more of the 'woman's work' like laundry and cooking. It's definitely got worse the last year or so as we spent nearly a year living with parents so had other adults to spread the chores out (and his mum is a SAHM with very 1950s division of labour in their house so he didn't have the best example). Whenever we talk about it he argues he does more of the admin, bills, gardening etc. but I dispute this, I'd say that side of things is about 50/50.

Anyway - we have an amazing relationship and I don't think he is fundamentally a selfish person. So how can I (a) reset our current distribution without having a massive argument about how actually we do have a 50/50 set up right now (which I don't believe we do) and (b) ensure as much as possible after baby arrive we don't slip into me doing 90% of the parenting and still doing 70% of the domestic stuff..? Looking for practical tips here!

WallaceinAnderland · 30/03/2021 17:17

@notalwaysalondoner

So - what's the solution?

I'm 24 weeks with DC1, DH is I'd say fairly typical - he does a fair bit around the house, but we're definitely not 50/50, I do more of the 'woman's work' like laundry and cooking. It's definitely got worse the last year or so as we spent nearly a year living with parents so had other adults to spread the chores out (and his mum is a SAHM with very 1950s division of labour in their house so he didn't have the best example). Whenever we talk about it he argues he does more of the admin, bills, gardening etc. but I dispute this, I'd say that side of things is about 50/50.

Anyway - we have an amazing relationship and I don't think he is fundamentally a selfish person. So how can I (a) reset our current distribution without having a massive argument about how actually we do have a 50/50 set up right now (which I don't believe we do) and (b) ensure as much as possible after baby arrive we don't slip into me doing 90% of the parenting and still doing 70% of the domestic stuff..? Looking for practical tips here!

Ask him how you can ensure that you share the parenting evenly.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/03/2021 18:04

Some of these posts are just fucking awful. You do not have to put up with such useless, selfish arseholes for boyfriends or husbands.

Does it make you feel better to think that other women are as miserable, put upon, exhausted and lonely in their families?

It’s not normal or acceptable for fathers to just refuse to care for their babies and watch the women they chose to have those babies wiry run themselves ragged doing it all. Why don’t they love their children enough to want to know them and spend time with them? Why don’t they love or respect their partners enough to pitch in and play an equal role in parenting? Why do so many women accept the scraps and shrug that all men are like that so there’s no point hoping for better? These dynamics are self perpetuating. Do it all even though you’re supposed to be in a relationship, an equal part of a team, and your sons will be selfish twats to their future partners and your daughters will expect as little as you did.

OP, did he want to have a baby?

Did you think he loved you and cared about your health and happiness before your baby was born?

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 30/03/2021 18:09

notalwaysalondoner Honestly, there's not much you can do now you've decided to entwine yourself with a misogynist for the rest of your life. He's not amazing (wtf) and he's only going to get worse once the baby comes. These men don't change, because he fundamentally believes raising children and doing housework is for women.

Graphista · 30/03/2021 18:59

@notalwaysalondoner it's extremely rare that they change!

You have to be really strong and assertive to stand a chance of getting through to him and most women in the last stages of pregnancy and first stages of motherhood are too knackered to put up a fight!

If I were you I'd be seriously tackling his laziness and misogyny now

billy1966 · 30/03/2021 19:08

@notalwaysalondoner

So - what's the solution?

I'm 24 weeks with DC1, DH is I'd say fairly typical - he does a fair bit around the house, but we're definitely not 50/50, I do more of the 'woman's work' like laundry and cooking. It's definitely got worse the last year or so as we spent nearly a year living with parents so had other adults to spread the chores out (and his mum is a SAHM with very 1950s division of labour in their house so he didn't have the best example). Whenever we talk about it he argues he does more of the admin, bills, gardening etc. but I dispute this, I'd say that side of things is about 50/50.

Anyway - we have an amazing relationship and I don't think he is fundamentally a selfish person. So how can I (a) reset our current distribution without having a massive argument about how actually we do have a 50/50 set up right now (which I don't believe we do) and (b) ensure as much as possible after baby arrive we don't slip into me doing 90% of the parenting and still doing 70% of the domestic stuff..? Looking for practical tips here!

You have an opportunity now to discuss it calmly and hand over the laundry now and get him cooking half the week.

You say you have an amazing relationship.

You don't really if he is arguing that he does his share when he clearly doesn't.

That makes him a liar AND lazy.

You need to qualify it with "we have an amazing relationship if I do most of the grunt work and never question that he's a bit of a lazy misogynist."

This is your reality.
The fact that he is like this pre baby means that actually he IS a bit FUNDAMENTALLY SELFISH.

Unfortunately you need to stop lying to yourself, admit the truth and deal with it.

Because believe this old woman😁, a lazy man is the greatest downer when you have children.

I have 4 children.
If my lovely husband hadn't pulled his weight, my son would be an only child.

I would no more have bothered my arse.

How you feel about him will change if he just refuses to do his share.

I 100% believe that a man who doesn't pull his weight and do everything he can to support the woman who has carried his child for 9 months and given birth DOES NOT really love her.

Totally end of.
It really is that simple.

daffodilsandprimroses · 30/03/2021 19:09

Thing is anne we sort of do.

Yes, we can LTB but that just means most of us will do 100% of the work rather than 80% or whatever it is.

KatharinaRosalie · 30/03/2021 19:18

that just means most of us will do 100% of the work rather than 80% or whatever it is.

Nah, getting rid of a demanding mess making useless man baby usually cuts your workload down significantly.

First thing is that if your partner clearly, unarguably doesn't pull their weight, but claims they do and won't step up when you say you're exhausted - they will get their 'amazing partner' badge taken away.

What a friend of mine did with a similar guy when they had a baby was to actually keep a list and schedule, making sure they both did their part and got equal leisure time. Of course the challenge here is you're on maternity leave and later go part time - men like that will argue that they work (more) and therefore shouldn't expected to lift a finger at home. Here the only option is to share the leave. He has to take some parental leave and you expect him to run the house to the same standard he expected from you.

arethereanyleftatall · 30/03/2021 19:36

@daffodilsandprimroses

Thing is anne we sort of do.

Yes, we can LTB but that just means most of us will do 100% of the work rather than 80% or whatever it is.

I can promise you - 100% of the work without the constant seething resentment and mental exhaustion that you should be getting help, is a million times better than 80%with it.

crispychicken12 · 30/03/2021 19:38

He's being a dick. My husband even helped with the night feeds when he was working because he knew how much I was struggling. There's no excuse

Original poster

greyandwhiteeeeee · 30/03/2021 19:50

Well. He's offered to swap sides of the bed tonight. I'm just angry it has to take an argument for him to realise.

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WallaceinAnderland · 30/03/2021 19:53

Is he going to feed the baby though OP?

Original poster

greyandwhiteeeeee · 30/03/2021 19:55

That's the golden question @WallaceinAnderland

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TeachesOfPeaches · 30/03/2021 20:06

My son's dad took paternity and went on holiday even though I had a c-section and was completely alone. Nothing surprises me now

NotATomato · 30/03/2021 20:09

He’s quite happy for you to be tired, his sleep is important. Yours isn’t, he is saying your tiredness is not a priority for him.

Be interesting if he does get up in the night, to see how much ‘help’ he’s going to need from you (in other words, be so shit that you take over) or how much he goes on about being so tired the next day.

emilyfrost · 30/03/2021 20:13

@greyandwhiteeeeee

Well. He's offered to swap sides of the bed tonight. I'm just angry it has to take an argument for him to realise.

If he fails to wake when baby cries kick him, each and every time. Make sure he does actually look after the baby, even if he’s shit at it. Don’t swoop in and rescue him.

If you let him get away with it tonight, you’ll be doing it alone and be resentful forever.

Dustyhedge · 30/03/2021 20:22

With my first, my husband did loads during paternity leave and then while I was on mat leave he tended to do bath and evenings until 10/11 and then I’d do nights. Always been a bit shit at housework but not massively problematic.

During his second pat leave he was a lazy arse and I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive him. He lazed around while on his ‘holiday’. I think I’ll remember the intense disappointment for years. It won’t get better. You’ll need some frank discussions.

iluvpickles · 30/03/2021 20:36

That is not in he's off work to help out he needs to step up. The first few weeks are the worst so by time he goes bk to work baby will be feeding less through the night (hopefully) and maybe settling better.

I wouldn't put up with anything less than shared night feeds if he's off work. Dh and I simply took turns ok I did the late feed so I'll do the first night feed and so on. Whoever did the last night feed got a lie in and the other wld get up with baby in the morning. We both did all chores/ and baby related stuff equally. When he went bk to work he'd still do a night feed at the wkends.

Honestly, you need to sort this out now or this is how it will be. I've seen this with my sil, she lets her dh get away with it. He never deals with the kids and she very much does everything kids and chores and while working 4 days a week. He doesn't even let her get a lie in at wkends he sleeps till 11am or later every wkend. I'd honestly be divorcing him I just hate lazy men!

Cherrytree1621 · 30/03/2021 20:46

Wow, that's awful OP.
I have a 7 week old baby and my dp has helped through out the night since he was born. Also with my eldest he helped at night and he wasn't entitled to any leave as he started a new job the week before. Get him told to help there's no excuse, does he think looking after a newborn isn't work? Very selfish of him. Does he help during the day?

NotATomato · 31/03/2021 11:46

How did it go last night?

ThatsNotTheTeaHunty · 31/03/2021 11:54

So what if he is at work. He can still get up to feed the baby.
My partner treated his paternity leave like a holiday and I've never forgiven him for it. Same as you. Didn't do the night feeds ever. I only done night feeds until 8 weeks when HV said I could stop because DS was sleeping through but it really infuriated me.

We are slowly drifting apart now and that's a factor in why.

RandomMess · 31/03/2021 13:05

@greyandwhiteeeeee how did it go last night?

billy1966 · 31/03/2021 20:43

How are you feeling OP?

Original poster

greyandwhiteeeeee · 02/04/2021 20:22

Hi everyone - sorry I've not replied to anyone. I've been fairly busy with other things!

In fairness to him, he's stepped up since my rant. He's been getting up during the night to make/heat bottles and has fed some of them whilst I sleep. He's also got up in the morning and let me lie in.

He's also done some house work which I hope he continues to do (he's always hoovered etc but normally I have to ask/tell first). Looks like he's started using his own initiative for once!!

Let's see if it lasts...

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