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AIBU?

To be fuming (maternity leave related)

129 replies

greyandwhiteeeeee · 30/03/2021 10:21

I have an 8 day old baby who is (understandably) waking every 2 hours or more during the night for cuddles, milk etc etc.

We are bottle feeding him and my husband has two weeks paternity leave, followed by two weeks annual leave.

Not once in the last week has he offered to do a night feed. I'm exhausted. He rolls the other way and goes back to sleep while I sit for up to two hours trying to get baby back to sleep.

I raised it and he replied "well what are you going to do when I go back to work and can't do night feeds?" as if he's doing me a favour by leaving me to it!! He also said "do you want me to sit awake and watch you feed him?"

I'm infuriated!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
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NiceTwin · 30/03/2021 13:46

I decided from the get go that I was going to do all night feeds.
It would take the house falling down for dh to wake and I would be awake anyway.

What he did do though, was do early morning feed, be it 5, 6 or 7 o'clock and leave me to catch up on sleep. If they hadn't gone back by sleep, he would wake me, otherwise he would pop them in the crib and go to work.

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sarahc336 · 30/03/2021 13:48

My partner has always shared night feeds with all our children even when back bc at work. Granted I'll do more than him as bring off work is my kind of job but he still gets stuck in, it is his child too op xx

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GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/03/2021 13:50

That’s the point of the paternity leave! So that he can take a good portion of the nights - 50% at least if your bottle feeding, or give you whatever rest he can if you were bf - to get you good and rested before he goes back to work.

Yes, he might not be able to do nights when he is back at work - though I’d question if it’s nothing at all unless he works with heavy machinery. But now is the time to get you set up with plenty of sleep and recovery behind you.

Who does he think needs rest and recovery during this time? The person who was pregnant and gave birth or the one who just watched?

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GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/03/2021 13:52

I’ve just re read and seen that he can’t do nights once at work - but all the more reason to do it now!

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20viona · 30/03/2021 13:53

He's being an utter dick, it takes two to tango. You need to tell him, if there's trouble already this early it's better to raise the issue now.

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sykadelic · 30/03/2021 13:59

My husband didn't have much time off.

The schedule that worked for us was I would go to bed at 7pm and he would do everything until he went to bed (around 10/11). Usually DS would sleep 2-3 hours and wake around 10 so I'd end up with at least 5 hours solid. It made me feel more human.

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AryaStarkWolf · 30/03/2021 14:00

@arethereanyleftatall

Op (and others). Try to see what's happening here before you end up divorcing when your dc is 10 and feels it more painfully.

Your husband is supposed to love you. When you love someone, you don't watch and do nothing whilst they're exhausted.

IMO, He is telling you now, very very clearly, that he doesn't care about you, that he values his own sleep and well being above yours. That he's selfish. That he's a misogynist who believes that child rearing is women's work.

But, you know him better. Maybe he's not. Maybe he just doesn't quite get it.

So, you either nip this in the bud right now. 'We're supposed to be sharing this. Which half of the night feeds do you want to do, I'll do the other 50%. Here's the housework list, which 50% do you want to do.'

Or you get infuriated, and fuming, and rant and essentially do nothing. Then resentment grows and the marriage breaks down and you wonder why on earth you didn't do that years sooner.

Yep, put bluntly but it's the truth, if my DH slept away and watched me struggle with exhaustion I would really come away with the feeling that he doesn't really care about me at all and it would drastically change my view of him and our relationship
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HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 30/03/2021 14:02

Yep, put bluntly but it's the truth, if my DH slept away and watched me struggle with exhaustion I would really come away with the feeling that he doesn't really care about me at all and it would drastically change my view of him and our relationship

What would really put the nail in the coffin for me was knowing I'd be bringing up my son with a misogynist as a role model.

In 25 years time, do you want a woman crying to her friends that your son is treating her like this, because he learned it from his parents?

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Carouselfish · 30/03/2021 14:03

My DP did all the night nappies as I was BFing with both our children. Paternity is for bonding with their babies as well as doing all the tough stuff, does he have to be nagged to do the cuddling too?

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Bml11 · 30/03/2021 14:05

My first response in my head after reading was ‘welcome to parenthood’ - this coming from someone with a 2 and a half year old, who has never slept through the night and I’ve been the only one to deal with him every night since he’s been born. I hope your partner isn’t a napper, if he is, you’ll want to smash his head open every time he naps (or maybe that’s just me)

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oblada · 30/03/2021 14:07

Tell him now is the ideal time to step in as you need to recover from the birth. Pretty obvious really and your DH is being a dick.
Also - even when he's back at work he should do the occasional feed during the week and more at the week-end.
Fwiw my husband used to pretty much wake up and watch me feed baby at that stage (I was bf so he couldn't take over). I needed that support.

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SinkGirl · 30/03/2021 14:07

@Bml11

My first response in my head after reading was ‘welcome to parenthood’ - this coming from someone with a 2 and a half year old, who has never slept through the night and I’ve been the only one to deal with him every night since he’s been born. I hope your partner isn’t a napper, if he is, you’ll want to smash his head open every time he naps (or maybe that’s just me)

Why are you the only one doing it, are you a single patent? If not why are you tolerating this and talking like it’s inevitable?
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LittleAppleFan2021 · 30/03/2021 14:12

My husband works shifts, I'm due soon but I've been so wiped out he's been doing almost everything housework wise. Shifts are no excuse. He knows I have pull my weight when I can and he knows I will again in the future. I also remind him that that whenever he's next ill or even in old age I'll be repaying the favour... You could always mention this and see if the penny drops. @greyandwhiteeeeee

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AryaStarkWolf · 30/03/2021 14:17

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

Yep, put bluntly but it's the truth, if my DH slept away and watched me struggle with exhaustion I would really come away with the feeling that he doesn't really care about me at all and it would drastically change my view of him and our relationship

What would really put the nail in the coffin for me was knowing I'd be bringing up my son with a misogynist as a role model.

In 25 years time, do you want a woman crying to her friends that your son is treating her like this, because he learned it from his parents?

Yep absolutely agree with that as well
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starfishmummy · 30/03/2021 14:27

Its 8 days so you are both still finding your feet!!
I realise it is frustrating and annoying when you want help, but sit down and talk about sharing the load in a way that works for you both instead of seething about it!

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Sexnotgender · 30/03/2021 14:52

@Carouselfish

My DP did all the night nappies as I was BFing with both our children. Paternity is for bonding with their babies as well as doing all the tough stuff, does he have to be nagged to do the cuddling too?

This is what we did. DH got up, changed nappy and handed me baby. I then fed and he went back to sleep.

Like fuck was I doing everything.
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Sexnotgender · 30/03/2021 14:54

@starfishmummy

Its 8 days so you are both still finding your feet!!
I realise it is frustrating and annoying when you want help, but sit down and talk about sharing the load in a way that works for you both instead of seething about it!

It’s not help!!

The child has 2 parents, one of which is doing fuck all. OP isn’t after a favour, he isn’t doing his share.
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Graphista · 30/03/2021 14:56

Wow! You've a right lazy arse on your hands!

No paternity leave when I had my dd my ex (who definitely has his faults) saved up 2 weeks annual leave and his boss kindly agreed he could take it when it best suited us which ended up crucial as emcs and dd and I were in hospital a good while so it was more important he was there at home when we came home, especially as I was still very ill.

He didn't feed as I bf BUT he got up when I did and would get me a drink or anything I needed like a cardi if I was feeling chilly. He also did all night time nappies.

During that fortnight he was home he did laundry, cleaning, shopping (no online deliveries then), cooking, bathing baby etc we split things fairly evenly but certainly at first there wasn't much I could nor was allowed to do.

When he went back to work he still got up in night, he also got up early with dd and kept her occupied, one thing he did was incorporated her in his morning exercise routine! Basically used her as a weight  she loved it! Then he'd bring her into me with a cuppa before heading to work and I'd take over, then when he got in from work he'd either take over baby or take over chores - we were a team!

And we took turns for a lie in at weekends too, I had Saturdays as he'd be fired up for whatever rugby was on that weekend plus he liked to have a drink of a sat evening watching highlights, he had sundays to recover and it be a rest day before work week started again.

Cooking? COOKING?! Pathetic!

Was he always lazy though?

In his line of work and due to shift patterns I wouldn't expect him to wake for night feeds

I was half expecting this excuse!

My ex was army, manual Job, sometimes shift work, sometimes on exercise (so getting sod all sleep in the middle of a "battlefield" and eating shit rations etc) and he STILL did more than yours - kick his arse!

My brother is a police officer he did his fair share of night stuff too!

and that's not just baby stuff that suggests to me he WAS lazy before baby.

Just because you are home DOESN'T mean EVERYTHING at home is down to you! You need and deserve downtime too! Otherwise you're effectively working 24/7 365 days a year!

He's got no choice this morning. I've left baby downstairs with him and I've come up for a lie down.

Good! Don't make this a one off

I really truly wish young women (I'm an old duffer now) would realise that lazy people STAY lazy! If he's lazy when you meet him, lazy when you live with him he isn't going to change!

Sadly this is more often but not purely a man thing, I've met women who can be just as bad!

@WallaceinAnderland totally agree! My father and grandfathers not the most enlightened men to say the least! And grandfathers if they were still alive would be in their 90's. All 3 had "traditional" marriages in terms of who did what BUT the total division of Labour was equal - a lot of the jobs men did then have been eradicated or automated so there are far less "men's jobs" now. These 3 men all pulled their weight with baby and child care especially when their wives had just given birth! I do think part of the problem is mothers are expected now to just "bounce back" whereas back then childbirth was recognised as being a major physical event that needed time to recover from! Both parents are from big families too so even when they were in hospital having/just after having the baby (and they were kept in longer then too) the husbands were at home keeping the home running smoothly and caring for the older children (which often included children who were still babies/toddlers too) AND going out to work too (little welfare state back then!) relatives and neighbours would watch the kids while they were at work, they'd do the food shop on the way home, pick up the kids head home and then get dinner on (no ready meals or microwaves, my own dad admits it was often 'breakfast for dinner' as in a fry up cos that was quick and easy for him), tidy the house quickly, feed the hungry masses, then bath the kids and settle them in bed and once kids in bed other household chores - laundry on and ironing any school uniform, mopping floors etc

My dad had a bil who was a lazy git and his sister ram herself ragged while with him which my dad hated! He held his tongue somehow while they were still together but gave him it with both barrels when they split. Unsurprisingly he made no effort with his kids after the split and at this point I don't think they even know if he's alive or dead!

My father and grandfathers all worked manual jobs (1 grandad was army, 1 was in shipyards and dad was army too) they wouldn't even have CONSIDERED making the excuses yours is Op

SHOULDN'T be necessary but if I were you I'd make a list of all household duties inc baby care, divided into pairs according to how long they take to do and he has to choose one from each pair that is his job.

Ex and I when we were first married got in a bit of a muddle as we were working opposing days at some points and we were finding out that due to lack of organisation we were sometimes doing the same chores twice and others were getting neglected which caused some difficulties so we sat down and decided who's jobs were who's just to coordinate better. We were already managing this with daily stuff - eg whoever cooked the other did the dishes - but weekly/less frequent stuff we weren't on top of

But don't let him cherry pick all the favoured jobs! Make the pairs so that eg the 2 jobs you BOTH hate are in the same pair.

That sounds very convoluted I hope you understand?

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RandomMess · 30/03/2021 14:58

This is his chance to bond and look after the baby 24/7 because you are bottle feeding!!!

Get him to do everything for the baby whilst you just do the rest of it - laundry etc. He needs to learn what to do so he isn't "helping". It's not a 4 week holiday it's 4 weeks to be with his child and learn how to parent!!

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shouldistop · 30/03/2021 15:02

He sounds like a dick. Ds1 is almost 4 months old and breastfeed but in the early days DH would do the overnight nappy changes & burping. Now the baby is only up once at night DH will give him a bottle of expressed milk every second night and I sleep in the spare room. He didn't even have any paternity leave due to starting a new job.
Does he not realise paternity leave is to look after his child and support you while you recover?

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1forAll74 · 30/03/2021 15:23

I never expected my Husband to do night feed etc, when I had babies years ago, He had a demanding job, and some times had to work away at random times. Also, paternity leave was not a thing years ago. Regarding jobs to do , you have to not do them as a matter of priority, you just enjoy your baby. And needing to have naps in the days,I would find quite strange.

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Biffbaff · 30/03/2021 15:35

Sounds like he doesn't view childcare as work. Sounds like you'll have to leave baby with him for a weekend day, all day, to see if that will make him understand what the work weekdays are like for you.

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emilyfrost · 30/03/2021 16:06

@1forAll74

I never expected my Husband to do night feed etc, when I had babies years ago, He had a demanding job, and some times had to work away at random times. Also, paternity leave was not a thing years ago. Regarding jobs to do , you have to not do them as a matter of priority, you just enjoy your baby. And needing to have naps in the days,I would find quite strange.

You should have done.

Why is it strange to need a nap in the day because your lazy, useless partner won’t let you sleep at night?
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AryaStarkWolf · 30/03/2021 16:10

@starfishmummy

Its 8 days so you are both still finding your feet!!
I realise it is frustrating and annoying when you want help, but sit down and talk about sharing the load in a way that works for you both instead of seething about it!

Seems like the OPs DH hasn't even started looking for his feet.........
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emilyfrost · 30/03/2021 16:11

@Bml11

My first response in my head after reading was ‘welcome to parenthood’ - this coming from someone with a 2 and a half year old, who has never slept through the night and I’ve been the only one to deal with him every night since he’s been born. I hope your partner isn’t a napper, if he is, you’ll want to smash his head open every time he naps (or maybe that’s just me)

That isn’t parenthood, that’s a shit relationship.

A responsible, decent, worthwhile and loving father would want to care for and bond with their child. They wouldn’t want to watch their partner struggle and suffer with exhaustion.

You shouldn’t have set your bar so low, and just because you didn’t challenge it doesn’t mean others shouldn’t. You may have chosen to put up with this shit but nobody else should have to.
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