To be fuming (maternity leave related)

[greyandwhiteeeeee]

I have an 8 day old baby who is (understandably) waking every 2 hours or more during the night for cuddles, milk etc etc.

We are bottle feeding him and my husband has two weeks paternity leave, followed by two weeks annual leave.

Not once in the last week has he offered to do a night feed. I'm exhausted. He rolls the other way and goes back to sleep while I sit for up to two hours trying to get baby back to sleep.

I raised it and he replied "well what are you going to do when I go back to work and can't do night feeds?" as if he's doing me a favour by leaving me to it!! He also said "do you want me to sit awake and watch you feed him?"

I'm infuriated!!!!!!!!

[EmbarrassingMama]

My DH was hopeless at night wakes because he can sleep through the crying and genuinely not be woken by it. I found a sharp dig in the ribs at 2am does the job, or get him to go downstairs and get you something so that he actually wakes up enough to be useful.

It gets better.

[AryaStarkWolf]

Why does he think he's got paternity leave if it's not to share the load of looking after his child?

[Alsohuman]

He might as well go back to work, there doesn’t seem to be much point in him being at home.

[Unsure33]

I am going to be a bit controversial here. I think you have to discuss what works for you as a family .Sometimes men need to be to do. They don’t like to get it wrong and be criticised.

So you need to have a discussion now about what happens now and what happens when he goes back to work . Have a rota set up . And it maybe that he helps out more in the night or it maybe he does more in the day . But I agree it needs a calm discussion now .

[LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee]

I guess it depends if you are breastfeeding. If yes it would seem a little counterproductive for him to wake up as well.
However if you don't BF or if you can express I would definitely let him know that from now on you each to every other night.
And also that the one doing the night gets a lie in until a pre-defined time.
At the weekends you each do one night / get one lie-in, and this should continue once he is back to work (or you do both nights and get both lie-ins if you BF and can't express).

[Sexnotgender]

In fairness to him, he cooks dinner generally.

Is it fair to assume he also eats dinner? He’s not doing you a favour 🙄 it’s not your job!

[welshladywhois40]

Rather than fighting find a routine that works for you both.

If nights don't work - he does the 6am feed and you lie in or get a long nap in the afternoon while he take baby for long walk.

Night will get better with feeds moving to 3 hours etc. As partners - find a routine that works for you.

[daffodilsandprimroses]

From the OP

we are bottle feeding him

[Doomsdayiscoming]

Did he suddenly become selfish in the last 8 days?

No. YABU to expect someone will change just because a baby is born. Perhaps you should have contemplated the likely role your husband would have played, if he was all “oh of course I’ll be helping out with 50% of everything” then YANBU, but otherwise this is on your lack of foresight.

[Wallywobbles]

Make a schedule. I used do midnight to six. ExH did everything up to midnight and after 6. My maternity leave was 13 weeks.

Not sure why it was up to me. Bottle fed both.

[chocolatesweets]

YANBU. Wake him up.

[Lochmorlich]

I bf and my dh still took our ds from me at night and settled him whilst I went back to sleep.
Working is no excuse for not doing night wakings with your own dc.
It’s not as if the baby is suddenly going to start sleeping through when both parents have returned to work.

[Needsleeeeepsendheeeelp]

Urgh, my DH was very similar. Tried to make out that him only doing one night a week while he was on paternity/annual leave was in fact for my benefit so I could get used to the sleep deprivation I had a c section and this was his stance within the first week, when I was supposed to be recovering. He also said that his time off was as much for for him to 'recharge' before going back to work as it was to 'help' me with (read: be a parent to) the baby...

He obviously got told, but royally pissed me off (and fundamentally changed my opinion of him) in the process. His bed to lie in now 🤷‍♀️

[billy1966]

In fairness he cooks dinner 🙄....so he doesn't eat it then?

OP your bar is low and he is lazy but you knew that and clearly are not surprised.

Unfortunately you are potentially locked into a situation that is only going to get more frustrating and sad.

Love flies out the window when a new baby and a waster partner collides.

Stop doing the laundry.
Hand that over completely to him for the next 3 weeks.
He should have been doing it already.
Leave the house every single day for a nice walk on your own.
He needs to get used to the baby on his own.
If he refuses, plan on going to family support as he is such a user.
Bullwt proof your contraception and don't have another child with him.

He's obviously a bit of a selfish pig.
Spell it out to him.
If you don't, your relationship won't survive.

Best of luck.
Mind yourself.
Protect yourself.

[Greenmarmalade]

He’s being lazy.

Stop doing all the household chores- you won’t be able to keep it up with a baby to look after and you’ll need daytime naps. Avoid patterns that he’ll fall into of not having to do housework.

Make it clear that he needs to do baby care and let you rest and recover during his time off.

Make it clear that you will not do all the night feeds on his days off work/weekends.

I’m furious because this is still happening- men need to change their expectations!!

[arethereanyleftatall]

Op (and others). Try to see what's happening here before you end up divorcing when your dc is 10 and feels it more painfully.

Your husband is supposed to love you. When you love someone, you don't watch and do nothing whilst they're exhausted.

IMO, He is telling you now, very very clearly, that he doesn't care about you, that he values his own sleep and well being above yours. That he's selfish. That he's a misogynist who believes that child rearing is women's work.

But, you know him better. Maybe he's not. Maybe he just doesn't quite get it.

So, you either nip this in the bud right now. 'We're supposed to be sharing this. Which half of the night feeds do you want to do, I'll do the other 50%. Here's the housework list, which 50% do you want to do.'

Or you get infuriated, and fuming, and rant and essentially do nothing. Then resentment grows and the marriage breaks down and you wonder why on earth you didn't do that years sooner.

[HaveringWavering]

Sorry, is he suggesting that you need some sort of exposure training to get you used to night feeds because he won’t be able to do them when he goes back to work? What an arsehole.

Tell him this: yes, you will not be able to do so many night feeds when you go back to work. All the more reason for you to do them now and build up some credit! And by the time you go back perhaps I will have recovered a bit better from the birth if you have actually lifted a fucking finger while on leave. Please please please do not let that pathetic reasoning slide.

Can you imagine him saying to eg his mother after an operation- no Mum I won’t get your shopping now because what are you going to do next week when I’m not around to do it?

[Knittedfairies]

What does he think paternity leave is for, if he's not having anything to do with his baby?

[WallaceinAnderland]

We are mostly hearing from those with selfish, useless partners here but the majority of men must surely share the parenting role? My dh did everything 50/50 without having to be told what to do. Millions of men do. I don't like the way it is seen on threads like this as normal for men not to care for their homes and families. Most men do, it's just that we don't post about it very often.

I just want to say, OP, this is absolutely not normal. Just in case you thought it was.

[LannieDuck]

Is he taking any parental leave later on? Is it too late to have him take 1-2 mths at the end of your mat leave?

I ask because then you get to point out that he'll be reaping what he sows...

[MissLucyEyelesbarrow]

@NotATomato

Shift working is no excuse! I work shifts! Plenty of women work shifts, doesn’t get us out of looking after our children.

If you’re doing the majority of it anyway he probably just sees the baby as an extension of your other jobs. You need to nip this in the bud. Now.

Agree 100%. And, even if you do the majority of night feeds once he's back at work, he can still cover nights when he has the day off afterwards, so you get a break.

Also agree with PPs recommending splitting the evening/night (we don't have bio children but had a foster child with long-term conditions who woke 2 hourly for years). I'm a morning person, DH is a night owl, so I would go to bed around 9pm, DH would deal with her from 9-1 or 2, then I would cover 2-7. Psychologically, knowing that I would have undisturbed sleep for 4-5 hours made a huge difference and meant I could cope with the rest of my sleep being broken. I'm a partial shift worker but we just adjusted this as needed.

[Usagi12]

He's being a dick. We shared night feeds 50/50, even when DH was working, it's what parents have to do. I didn't get to sleep in the day with ours though AM lie ins for both of us are a distant memory. He needs to step up xx

[PenisBeakerIsMyFavouriteMuppet]

Just remember this before you decide to have another with him.

[KatharinaRosalie]

That's exactly the point of paternity leave, so he takes care of the baby while you recover from giving birth to one!

[Flippyferloppy]

Sit him down, tell him it's not working and he needs to pull his weight. Agree how you are going to share responsibilities. If he's not going to do night feeds, then he's going to have to do more during the day so that you can rest