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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to allow ex to have lodger

137 replies

joysexreno · 29/03/2021 23:30

Long story short: my ex makes 6 figures and has stayed in the massive family home. I left due to emotional abuse. We have a 4 year old daughter together and she stays in the house regularly.

He wanted to bring a Belgian man in as a lodger for 3 months (starting a month ago). I said that I would not allow DD to stay there if he did this.

He's now howling about how much money I have lost him.

WIBU?

OP posts:
KrisAkabusi · 29/03/2021 23:44

You don't get to decide who lives in his house. And you don't get to decide his child can't see him. At some point he may start a relationship and have a whole other family in the house. You would have to put up with that too. If this ever went to court regarding access, you wouldn't have a leg to stand on.

Happycat1212 · 29/03/2021 23:50

At least he didn’t, me and my ex have split up, he has a 3 bed house but rents out every single room, and sleeps in his living room, so the kids can never go there. He has zero interest in changing this and would rather just not see them. So at least your ex listened 🤷‍♀️

PeterPanNeverLands · 29/03/2021 23:50

I think you can choose to safeguard your child however you see fit personally.

Ignore him.

ThatsNotTheTeaHunty · 30/03/2021 00:09

See, I wouldn't be happy with this either.
You never really know who that person is.

My mind would fill with worth so yes you do have a say when it comes to keeping your child safe,

ThatsNotTheTeaHunty · 30/03/2021 00:09

Worry, not worth 🤦🏻‍♀️.

steff13 · 30/03/2021 00:15

I wouldn't like it either. But, I think your recourse is limited.

WobbliHead3000 · 30/03/2021 00:15

I agree with you. That is a huge no no for me... it is not worth the risk.

imalmostthere · 30/03/2021 00:25

He's effectively a stranger, so I wouldn't be happy with my DC sleeping in a house with a random man! Yanbu at all

FabulousIAm · 30/03/2021 00:27

@KrisAkabusi

You don't get to decide who lives in his house. And you don't get to decide his child can't see him. At some point he may start a relationship and have a whole other family in the house. You would have to put up with that too. If this ever went to court regarding access, you wouldn't have a leg to stand on.
Yes they do- If it goes to court Cafcass would assess everyone in the household and anyone they are in a relationship with who doesn't live in the household. Please stop talking like you know anything about family court as it's dangerous to do so
Original poster
joysexreno · 30/03/2021 00:37

@KrisAkabusi having a relationship is very different from bringing a strange man into the home during CovidHmm

OP posts:
Original poster
joysexreno · 30/03/2021 11:33

Bump

OP posts:
Palavah · 30/03/2021 12:03

Probably more productive to ask him 'if you want a lodger what steps will you need ti take to make sure that DD is physically and emotionally safe?

PandaFluff · 30/03/2021 12:06

Have you asked how he plans to keep your daughter safe? I wouldn't be happy at all.

Tinydinosaur · 30/03/2021 12:08

I wouldn't want a 4yo child sleeping in a house with a strange man.

dancinfeet · 30/03/2021 12:21

YABU to 'allow' your ex anything, it's not your decision to make if he chooses to have a lodger and you have no right to tell him.what to do.
YANBU to raise safeguarding concerns regarding your daughter however and take any measures that you feel necessary to keep her safe.

FelicityPike · 30/03/2021 12:27

@dancinfeet

YABU to 'allow' your ex anything, it's not your decision to make if he chooses to have a lodger and you have no right to tell him.what to do. YANBU to raise safeguarding concerns regarding your daughter however and take any measures that you feel necessary to keep her safe.
This. What if this man was your ex’s new partner? You have no right to tell him who he sees when or who he has in his house while he has his daughter in his care UNLESS they are a danger to your child. At present the Belgian isn’t, just keep your eyes and ears open as you would do for anyone in your child’s life.
Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 30/03/2021 12:32

I would raise the safeguarding issue with him but I don’t think you really can veto this can kind of thing?

starfishmummy · 30/03/2021 12:33

You are not going to be able to dictate who he has in his home for ever. Imagine if he was telling you the same thing, you would think he was totally unreasonable. At some point you are going to have to trust his judgement in regards to his child.

However raising your concern about keeping the child safe is perfectly reasonable.

TheCrowening · 30/03/2021 12:34

Yes they do- If it goes to court Cafcass would assess everyone in the household and anyone they are in a relationship with who doesn't live in the household. Please stop talking like you know anything about family court as it's dangerous to do so

No this isn’t true at all. The only time third parties are assessed or checked is if there is any genuine grounds for concern to the child’s welfare. Simply saying you don’t know the person is not enough.

Presumably if you got into a relationship you’d not want him to remove your daughter from your care because he doesn’t know the person - even though child sex abusers often target single parents for that reason. You’d expect there to be more evidence of risk than that.

sassbott · 30/03/2021 12:39
  1. YABU telling him what he can/ cannot do in his own home.
  2. Yanbu if you ask some questions regarding this person; do they have a job? Do they come with references? Are they happy to have a background check carried out? Is the person even a stranger or is it word of mouth recommendation. Basic questions that most people (I imagine) would ask if they were going to be sharing a home with a stranger.
  3. @FabulousIAm you’re completely and utterly incorrect regarding Cafcass and family court. Family courts / Cafcass have absolutely zero rights to assess people in a household and zero rights to assess someone who is in a relationship with the ex even if not living there. There would have to be legitimate safe guarding concerns raised around the child for a court to justify such an invasion of privacy. The courts / Cafcass can’t just randomly walk around demanding person info/ assessments because an exwife doesn’t like someone they don’t know being around their child. Your statement is completely incorrect.
StillCoughingandLaughing · 30/03/2021 12:40

@PeterPanNeverLands

I think you can choose to safeguard your child however you see fit personally.

Ignore him.

But your personal view doesn’t count - and neither does the OP’s. If she tries to enforce this and her ex takes her to court, I don’t see it going her way.
StillCoughingandLaughing · 30/03/2021 12:41

@joysexreno

Long story short: my ex makes 6 figures and has stayed in the massive family home. I left due to emotional abuse. We have a 4 year old daughter together and she stays in the house regularly.

He wanted to bring a Belgian man in as a lodger for 3 months (starting a month ago). I said that I would not allow DD to stay there if he did this.

He's now howling about how much money I have lost him.

WIBU?

What’s the significance of him being Belgian?
HeartsAndClubs · 30/03/2021 12:45

I wouldn't want a 4yo child sleeping in a house with a strange man. presumably he can take the same view when the OP finds a new partner then? Remove the child from her care because she isn’t safeguarding her? No didn’t think so.

As for Cafcas assessing every member of the household, pmsl. Of course they don’t. People move their partners in on a first date or within a matter of days/weeks and the other partner has literally no say in that and if they withhold the children the courts take a very dim view.

IntermittentParps · 30/03/2021 12:47

having a relationship is very different from bringing a strange man into the home during Covid

'bringing a strange man into the home' is an odd way of phrasing 'taking in a lodger'. Covid or not, moving house is still allowed. You're being U for the reasons others have already given on here.

sassbott · 30/03/2021 12:48

I will also add. No family court will make a ruling on what it is a person can/ cannot do in their homes for additional income. It’s not your business how much your ex earns, or whether a lodger moves in an helps with his bills. That’s his right completely.

Your ex doesn’t have a court order does he? I bet my bottom dollar that he’s avoided court and essentially has acceded to your ‘demand’ so that he can continue to see his child.

If the above is true and these are your true colours, I hope he gets himself into court and gets himself court ordered contact. So that you somehow don’t labour under the illusion that by proxy of your child, you can control your ex.