Not to allow ex to have lodger

[joysexreno]

Long story short: my ex makes 6 figures and has stayed in the massive family home. I left due to emotional abuse. We have a 4 year old daughter together and she stays in the house regularly.

He wanted to bring a Belgian man in as a lodger for 3 months (starting a month ago). I said that I would not allow DD to stay there if he did this.

He's now howling about how much money I have lost him.

WIBU?

It must be exhausting thinking every man is a paedophile, it would never occur to me.

You can't differentiate between being aware of a risk and believing it's a reality?

Please reconsider your approach to safeguarding your children.

Crikey, Belgian you say?? Call the Police at once.

Why are people still harping on the Belgian thing?
It's been explained why the OP mentioned his nationality. Granted, maybe a CRB check for him could be obtained, but I assume the OP didn't know that when she was writing.

I think it's hilarious that people think I have some specific animus against Belgians! It seems like a pretty niche prejudice to have.

Lots of people live in HMOs should they not be allowed access to their children? It is your daughter's father's job to safeguard her whilst she is in his care. I would assume she wouldn't be left alone with said Belgian man.

Oh and I have spent my career working with victims and perpetrators of serious violent and sexual crimes. I'm not naïve to risk.

@KingdomScrolls sure, if people need to live in HMOs for some reason, that's that. But why would a man choose to disrupt family life and expose his child to a short term lodger who is a stranger to him, when he doesn't have money problems?

OP, YANBU!!

Is he a good dad normally? Does he actually really WANT to have his daughter at weekends or whenever he has her? I think it’s sad given that she doesn’t seem to like him that she has to go there. I’m not sure id be keen on a emotionally abusive man having unsupervised contact with my daughter every weekend or whatever. What’s to say he wouldn’t be emotionally abusive to her? Just doesn’t seem like a good situation.

I agree. The basic premise of the OP’s question is that she doesn’t believe the child’s father is capable of keeping her safe. I’m not comfortable with making that assumption with no other information to go on

He's bring randomers into the childs home knowing nothing about them. He isn't capable of keeping her safe.

For all everyone rambles on about you can't do this that or the other, OP CAN. Of course she can, she can just not let the child go to Dads house. HE then has choices of what to do about it. But for now, she can.

All the people telling OP to just get over it would not send their own children off to sleep in a house with unknown men, and they bloody well know it.

@MAPEI it's very difficult to withhold contact when there's not tangible physical abuse or neglect. He doesn't have her long enough to properly neglect her (though he literally never bathes her and he feeds her brownies and pizza and ice cream for every meal.)

He's very good at keeping up appearances just enough - it was the same in our marriage. He also is clever and polished and respectable-seeming.

It must be exhausting thinking every man is a paedophile, it would never occur to me.

#notallmen , eh?

Not all child abusers are paedophiles.
Would you like to share your home with a strange man that you had not met before it was decided for you that he’d started living there? Presumably not. Most women would feel unsafe and uncomfortable at this thought.
So why should a 4 year old girl, much more vulnerable then a grown woman, have to put up with this risk?

Maybe I've missed it OP, but are you married? If so, half of that house is your house, so yes you do get a say in who else lives there!