Not to allow ex to have lodger

[joysexreno]

Long story short: my ex makes 6 figures and has stayed in the massive family home. I left due to emotional abuse. We have a 4 year old daughter together and she stays in the house regularly.

He wanted to bring a Belgian man in as a lodger for 3 months (starting a month ago). I said that I would not allow DD to stay there if he did this.

He's now howling about how much money I have lost him.

WIBU?

You can ask about safeguarding but he can do this if he wants.

I've had a lot of young (and not so young) people staying with me over the years. I always listened to my kids from very small and the slightest feeling from them I dealt with.

Overall it's been the most amazingly enriching and enjoyable process. The kids have got to practice their second language (English) with a wide range of accents and had people with whom to interact and play. It's been absolutely fundamental in making them the open minded teens they are.

Their incredibly abusive father actually never made a big deal of this.

I suspect (but could be wrong) the significance with him being from overseas is that a CRB check wouldn't help in this instance, as it would only highlight crimes in the UK.

You can't dictate who your Ex has in his home, but you are entitled to ask how he proposes to safeguard your daughter while she is there.

Was the Belgian man Hercule Poirot?

I wouldn't be comfortable with it too.

Correct, CRB check would not help (not that ex would do that), plus he plans to move back to Belgium at the end of the term, so if he did something to harm my daughter, he would be out of the jurisdiction.

This guy is just from Spare Room, not a friend of a friend or anything.

There's obviously also covid risk and ex can't police a person living in his home.

The question really is: is it normal to bring short term lodgers into a household where there is a child? Would you be comfortable with your child being around this person, sleeping in the same space as them?

@joysexreno

Correct, CRB check would not help (not that ex would do that), plus he plans to move back to Belgium at the end of the term, so if he did something to harm my daughter, he would be out of the jurisdiction.

This guy is just from Spare Room, not a friend of a friend or anything.

There's obviously also covid risk and ex can't police a person living in his home.

The question really is: is it normal to bring short term lodgers into a household where there is a child? Would you be comfortable with your child being around this person, sleeping in the same space as them?

Yes to all. If her dad feels she’s safe then I would trust his judgement!

The question really is: is it normal to bring short term lodgers into a household where there is a child? Would you be comfortable with your child being around this person, sleeping in the same space as them?

Why wouldn’t I? They’re not sleeping in the same space, they’re in separate rooms. It must be exhausting thinking every man is a paedophile, it would never occur to me.

I guess the result of this will be that your ex stops being open and honest with you and doesn’t tell you stuff he thinks you’ll take issue with. You’ve just shot yourself in the foot.

Op I posted a thread similar to this as my ex also gets his lodgers from spare room so totally random people, but the situation was a bit different like I said he rents out every single room and expected my children to go over and sleep on a double bed (4 children!) in his room, I posted a thread about it and every single person said I was reasonable for not wanting my kids to be in a house with random strangers sleeping over so it’s funny how these responses are saying the opposite here, it’s not comparable to the op meeting a man as I’m guessing she wouldn’t be having him sleep over from the first day they met? Most people when they start dating don’t introduce the person to their children straight away and take time to build up a relationship with them and get to know them. This man will have instant access to the ops child so it’s right for her to be worried.

Presumably your ex will have done some checks on potential lodgers? I was able to get criminal record checks and
employment references for lodgers recently. Not all will be able to supply information on criminal record but social media is very revealing.

@joysexreno

Correct, CRB check would not help (not that ex would do that), plus he plans to move back to Belgium at the end of the term, so if he did something to harm my daughter, he would be out of the jurisdiction.

This guy is just from Spare Room, not a friend of a friend or anything.

There's obviously also covid risk and ex can't police a person living in his home.

The question really is: is it normal to bring short term lodgers into a household where there is a child? Would you be comfortable with your child being around this person, sleeping in the same space as them?

I certainly wouldn't do it with my child.

Does she have her own room there? I.e unsupervised in the night?

I don't think you can just assume all Belgian men are paedophiles, if that's the subtext here?!

I wouldn't be keen either. Doesn't sound right. Especially if he doesn't need the money.

is it normal to bring short term lodgers into a household where there is a child? Would you be comfortable with your child being around this person, sleeping in the same space as them?

My DP grew up in a family where his parents routinely had short-term lodgers, often itinerant workers who would help out on their smallholding etc. No nefarious activities went on. In fact my DP as an adult is enviably socially adaptable and comfortable.

YWNBU

You do what you need to, to protect your children.

The law is irrelevant really. You told him you wouldn't allow DD to stay over. He didn't challenge it.

The law only comes into it if he challenges it.

YWNBU you were keeping DD safe 🤷🏻‍♀️

Also my 6 year old son was involved in interviewing the lodgers and his opinion was asked (though ignored when he liked someone we suspected someone was a heavy drinker).

OP at the end of the day your ex won't be interested in having lodgers who cause him hassle through bad behaviour or cause damage. If he has any sense he will check out who they are and interview them. Remember he also has to live with the lodger.

''You are not going to be able to dictate who he has in his home for ever. Imagine if he was telling you the same thing, you would think he was totally unreasonable. At some point you are going to have to trust his judgement in regards to his child.''

This. If you were to get a new partner would he be allowed to ban the [partner from staying at your house because of your dc? What is the difference?

@Alsohuman

The question really is: is it normal to bring short term lodgers into a household where there is a child? Would you be comfortable with your child being around this person, sleeping in the same space as them?

Why wouldn’t I? They’re not sleeping in the same space, they’re in separate rooms. It must be exhausting thinking every man is a paedophile, it would never occur to me.

I guess the result of this will be that your ex stops being open and honest with you and doesn’t tell you stuff he thinks you’ll take issue with. You’ve just shot yourself in the foot.

It would never occur to you that a stranger might be a pedophile?

Do you still have an interest in the house?

I wouldn't want a stranger sleeping in the same house as my dd.

Does dd have her own room? How could your ex ensure she was safe when sleeping?

Totally different to ex starting a new relationship. This is a stranger who could abuse her and leave the country.

I don't get the massive fuss here, many families with kids take on full time lodgers.

I wouldn’t want my children sleeping in the same
house as a random man, no one knows.

Very different to a new partner, who hopefully will have known my ex for months and met my child before they share a space.

People on here often just try to be difficult and argumentative.

Out of choice, who would seriously think that’s ok?

I would not allow this either and I would be seriously worried that your ex has no concerns about allowing a strange adult to stay in the house with your child.

How is he proposing keeping your child safe at night? He can't lock the child in their room and he can't lock the lodger in their room. The lodger would be free to creep into the childs room. Ok, there is a 99.9999% chance that the lodger wouldn't even consider doing this but still why take the risk if he doesn't even need the money.

Yes, she has her own room and sleeps unsupervised at night. Ex won't even let her in his bed if she asks.

You are not unreasonable to have concerns but YABU to try to police what Ex does when he has his daughter.

Cafcass only check if the parents are known to police, social services. If you had a concern you would need to raise with authorities.

It seems your Ex however has listened to your concerns which is positive, however you can't demand he listens. We all want to protect our children, that's natural but you must assume your Ex also has your daughters best interests at heart.

Yes to all. If her dad feels she’s safe then I would trust his judgement!

I agree. The basic premise of the OP’s question is that she doesn’t believe the child’s father is capable of keeping her safe. I’m not comfortable with making that assumption with no other information to go on.

It would never occur to you that a stranger might be a pedophile?
But the likelihood is that they aren’t. Do you spend your life guessing if everyone involved in your children’s life could be a secret pedophile? Have you wondered this about any of the male relatives in your life? They could be and you’d never know it.

''Very different to a new partner, who hopefully will have known my ex for months and met my child before they share a space.''

STILL DOESN'T RULE OUT WHETHER THEY ARE A PAEDO OR NOT.