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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to allow ex to have lodger

137 replies

joysexreno · 29/03/2021 23:30

Long story short: my ex makes 6 figures and has stayed in the massive family home. I left due to emotional abuse. We have a 4 year old daughter together and she stays in the house regularly.

He wanted to bring a Belgian man in as a lodger for 3 months (starting a month ago). I said that I would not allow DD to stay there if he did this.

He's now howling about how much money I have lost him.

WIBU?

OP posts:
GintyMcGinty · 30/03/2021 15:06

Does your ex get to veto all new people in your life,

Does your ex get to refuse to allow you to see DD if he doesn't approve of new people in your life?

Original poster
joysexreno · 30/03/2021 15:07

@GintyMcGinty no one in my life spends the night in my home Confused

OP posts:
RedMarauder · 30/03/2021 15:08

[quote joysexreno]@TheCrowening she saw him emotionally abuse me until we left.

She has always preferred me and she hates being away from me. (She has said to me "I only like being with you.")

He's probably a narcissist and he lacks empathy.

He's not very warm or fun.

These are all assumptions other than her quote above. She won't talk to me about why she doesn't like him.[/quote]
If your ex dragged you to Court you wouldn't have a legal leg to stand on.

If he is a narcissist and lacks empathy as you claim, then his next step will be to drag you to Court. He's probably got the lodger in their now to help with the legal fees he's about to get for hiring a barrister...

I've noticed on MN mothers in the wrong always claim their child(ren)'s father is a narcissist when it is pointed out their actions are wrong and controlling.

Soontobe60 · 30/03/2021 15:11

OP, do you honestly believe that your ex would just have a completely random man move in without checking him out beforehand? A Belgian man at that? You are not in a position to demand who he has in his house. Just as he isn’t in a position to demand who you have in yours.

Soontobe60 · 30/03/2021 15:12

[quote joysexreno]@GintyMcGinty no one in my life spends the night in my home Confused[/quote]
Do you assume that Belgians only abuse children in the middle of the night?

GintyMcGinty · 30/03/2021 15:21

@joysexreno

You avoided answering my question so I will word it more specifically.

In the future if you meet a new person who does spend the night in your home. (Whether a friend or a new man). Will you allow ex the right of veto and will you allow ex to refuse you access to your DD if he does not approve of your choices?

RedMarauder · 30/03/2021 15:24

@GintyMcGinty don't hold your breath...

Original poster
joysexreno · 30/03/2021 15:51

@GintyMcGinty if I were to introduce a romantic partner to my child, it would be after several months of dating, not meeting someone on the internet and then immediately inviting them to live in my home. They are not comparable situations.

OP posts:
Original poster
joysexreno · 30/03/2021 15:52

@Soontobe60 please see my further response.

Also, I won't even be introducing a romantic partner to my daughter until they are very fully vetted and we have been dating for several months.

OP posts:
Original poster
joysexreno · 30/03/2021 15:54

@Soontobe60 I know my ex. Yes, he absolutely would get a lodger without much of a background check.

OP posts:
DarkMatterA2Z · 30/03/2021 15:59

If he does move someone in and you're not happy that he's checked them out beforehand, make sure you give your DD a rape alarm to keep under her pillow (though you could call it something else). Tell her to press it if she feels scared or frightened during the night. It's so easy for children to freeze during abuse and be unable to call out for help. If your ex won't protect her, you need to make sure she can protect herself. She shouldn't have to deal with this at 4 and be responsible for safeguarding herself, but it sounds like that might be the eventual outcome.

Treemama · 30/03/2021 16:44

I wouldn't like that either OP. I couldn't care less if people would call me a control freak, at least I would know my child was safe.

TheCrowening · 30/03/2021 18:33

[quote joysexreno]@GintyMcGinty if I were to introduce a romantic partner to my child, it would be after several months of dating, not meeting someone on the internet and then immediately inviting them to live in my home. They are not comparable situations.[/quote]
But what your ex might say is that paedophiles play the long game (they do) so to be on the safe side he will have your daughter in his care while your partner is in the home.

I do understand how you feel, I’d feel the same. But knee jerk reactions and attempts to make unilateral decisions to control how your child is parented or the time she spends with her father are not the way to go.

Mintjulia · 30/03/2021 18:40

I would have done the same as you. How could you be sure that a strange man sleeping in the house would not pose a risk to your daughter? If small children aren't allowed to stay with parents in houses of multiple occupancy, then I don't see how this is any different.

If your ex is simply whining about losing some money, he doesn't care much about his daughter's safety, does he?

Original poster
joysexreno · 30/03/2021 19:01

@Mintjulia he cares about money more than literally anything else in the world

OP posts:
Hhusky · 30/03/2021 19:33

A random lodger isn't even the slightest bit comparable to a new partner. If OP said she disapproved of the new partner and didn't have a valid reason that would be totally different.
I totally get where you're coming from, OP.

Treemama · 30/03/2021 20:07

He can always downsize if the house is too big just for him and dd

HavelockVetinari · 30/03/2021 20:33

The ignorance of the prevalence of paedophilia is utterly staggering (not just on this thread - in everyday life too).

Between 2% and 5% of men are paedophiles. That means that, at best, in a group of 50 men, one will be a paedo. If you were shown a group of 50 men and told that one is a paedophile, how comfortable would you feel about choosing one to stay in your home, where your child sleeps alone in a bedroom?

Shelddd · 30/03/2021 20:40

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

Statistically, she's MUCH more in danger of abuse from your ex, or your father, or brother, or uncle, etc etc.

What's the long-term plan with housing? Were you married?

That's all due to access which this lodger would have.

Anyway OP keep fighting, don't let random people on the internet keep you from protecting your child.

Original poster
joysexreno · 30/03/2021 20:59

@Treemama no, it's his home and he deserves to live in such a nice big house because he works so hard.

OP posts:
stackemhigh · 30/03/2021 21:07

I'm with you, OP. People often do stupid stuff like kids with almost-strangers all the time, so I can see why you would be worried.

stackemhigh · 30/03/2021 21:07

*leave kids

SnackSizeRaisin · 30/03/2021 21:54

I think you were right op. Unless he can arrange for a locked door dividing the child's sleeping area and bathroom from the area where the lodger sleeps. That is also safe in the event of a fire, and enables the child to get to him if she wants to.
I think a lodger would be acceptable if the child is secondary age and can lock their own door, but still seems a bit mad if there is no financial necessity. Better to stick to female lodgers if children in the household. And no op can't control this, but she is right to be concerned and do what she can to safeguard her child.

VodselForDinner · 30/03/2021 22:17

Between 2% and 5% of men are paedophiles. That means that, at best, in a group of 50 men, one will be a paedo

That’s not how statistics work.

Also, not sure where you’ve taken a figure of 2-5% of the general male population from? I know Michael Seto published a paper with these figures about 15 years ago but since revised that downwards to somewhere between 0.5% and 1%, as his original figures did not account for hebephiles.

SecretRedhead · 30/03/2021 23:29

It must be exhausting thinking every man is a paedophile, it would never occur to me.

You've jumped from one extreme to the other there. You never ever think for a moment that someone might not be exactly what they say they are, really? Never? Yes, it is unreasonable to assume all men are paedophiles, but we don't know who is and who isn't so best to err on the side of caution. It is certainly unreasonable towards your children not to safeguard them against the possibility that a stranger moving into the home may have nefarious motivations.

OP, I agree with you and ignore the posters telling you that you can't safeguard your child. Bollocks to that. I say this a someone who (pre-children) strongly believed in the children's rights to know their father and was heavily on that train. Now I have a son and an ex partner who has care of him 50% of the time, and if I didn't trust his judgement in the people around him, I would respond the same way you are.