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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to allow ex to have lodger

137 replies

joysexreno · 29/03/2021 23:30

Long story short: my ex makes 6 figures and has stayed in the massive family home. I left due to emotional abuse. We have a 4 year old daughter together and she stays in the house regularly.

He wanted to bring a Belgian man in as a lodger for 3 months (starting a month ago). I said that I would not allow DD to stay there if he did this.

He's now howling about how much money I have lost him.

WIBU?

OP posts:
JarvisCockerSpanieI · 30/03/2021 14:14

Regarding police clearance, the Belgian could have applied for a police check and brought it with him - my EU one is trilingual. I also have CRB clearance here for my job - my UK one contacted the EU country I lived in to obtain it - this was post-Brexit - so such checks can be done.

LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee · 30/03/2021 14:15

@theThreeofWeevils

I wouldn't discount the possibility that the emotionally abusive ex expected OP to react as she did and was merely engineering a grievance to use against her in future.
That is a good point actually. For ex if she ever wants to move in with a partner - or even just go on holiday with friends.
Equalityumber · 30/03/2021 14:16

This lodger could be a predator! You did the right thing.

Hallyup5 · 30/03/2021 14:16

Does she get to stay in your house if you get a new partner? If not, fine, you're being perfectly reasonable, otherwise stop playing with your daughter's emotions and allow her dad to care for her as he sees fit.

ddl1 · 30/03/2021 14:17

YABU to think that you can let or not let an adult have a lodger.

YANBU to be reluctant to allow your daughter to stay in a place where there is a man whom you don't know, and whom presumably your ex doesn't really know.

Original poster
joysexreno · 30/03/2021 14:18

"stop playing with your daughter's emotions"

She strongly objects to spending time with her father.

OP posts:
Original poster
joysexreno · 30/03/2021 14:20

"YABU to think that you can let or not let an adult have a lodger."

Oh, I'm well aware. Ex has form for doing whatever he wants anyway. When we were a married couple and I was home on mat leave, he brought in a lodger against my wishes.

OP posts:
DarkMatterA2Z · 30/03/2021 14:21

YANBU. Your child is very young. The priority needs to be to safeguard her.

It also doesn't sound as if she has that sort of relationship with her dad when she could express her concerns if anything untoward was going on at night since he won't even let her sleep in his bed if she's scared or upset. The only situation where I would be happy with this would be if DD was sleeping in her father's bed when the lodger was there so she was never at risk by herself in her bedroom at night.

StephenBelafonte · 30/03/2021 14:27

YANBU - it's a safeguarding issue. I have lodgers. but I didn't have them until the kids were 18. He'll have to find another way to make money that doesn't involve risking his daughters safety.

DarkMatterA2Z · 30/03/2021 14:27

The other thing that would make me very uncomfortable is that your DD is too young to have a lock on her door. If she could lock herself in at night, that would be better...but it would be a fire risk for a 4 yo. Maybe give her a panic alarm if your ex ends up getting the lodger?

As a student sharing a house with strangers, I had a lock on my door...There is no way I would have accepted strange men having access to my personal living space. Why should your DD be entitled to less protection than a young adult who is much more capable of looking after themselves?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 30/03/2021 14:28

Whilst he can have whoever he wants in his own home, he doesn't have the right to risk your DD with a man he barely knows.

The odds are that this Belgian man is ok and wouldn't dream of touching her - but what if he wasn't? I wouldn't risk it.

DuncinToffee · 30/03/2021 14:28

He knows how to get to you and doesn't care about DD's wellbeing.
Have you asked your solicitor for advice?

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 30/03/2021 14:31

Wouldn't want this either op.

He should have moved somewhere smaller and affordable if he didn't want the bills to go with the big house.

The posters saying you can't dictate what he does sorry but absolutely you can when it comes to safe guarding your children.

shouldistop · 30/03/2021 14:34

I wouldn't be happy about this either op.

MixedUpFiles · 30/03/2021 14:36

Do you have custody agreements in your country? In mine you can negotiate an agreement and get the court to sign off on it. In addition to the schedule, You absolutely can include things like no lodgers or no unrelated overnight guests when children are present. Of course these apply to both parties.

TheCrowening · 30/03/2021 14:37

@joysexreno

"stop playing with your daughter's emotions"

She strongly objects to spending time with her father.

She’s four.

Why would she “strongly object”?

GabsAlot · 30/03/2021 14:43

because hes not a good dad maybe she doesnt feel close to him?

you know her best op and your ex

MondayYogurt · 30/03/2021 14:44

Can he get a female lodger instead?

Gwenhwyfar · 30/03/2021 14:53

@HavelockVetinari

I suspect (but could be wrong) the significance with him being from overseas is that a CRB check wouldn't help in this instance, as it would only highlight crimes in the UK.
Then you would just ask for a CRB from Belgium. Though I would not necessarily agree to providing one if I was him. Belgian CRBs are free of charge, but I wouldn't accept to paying £70 or whatever the British ones cost if I was the lodger.
VodselForDinner · 30/03/2021 14:56

I get your concerns but, ultimately, you have no say.

Down the line, if you started a new relationship and wanted your boyfriend to move on with you, would you except your ex to decide if he’d “let” you?

LaBellina · 30/03/2021 14:58

YANBU. I can’t think of any responsible father that would take in a strange man as a lodger in the home where his 4 year old daughter lives parttime too. If he NEEDS to take in a lodger, why not a female one? That would minimize the risk at least.
Posters who say it’s not your job to police who can stay in your ex’s house don’t seem to understand that with having a child come certain responsibilities and you can’t do the same things as when you’re single if it compromises the safeguarding of said child.
I think you’re absolutely right to find this unacceptable.

Original poster
joysexreno · 30/03/2021 15:00

@TheCrowening she saw him emotionally abuse me until we left.

She has always preferred me and she hates being away from me. (She has said to me "I only like being with you.")

He's probably a narcissist and he lacks empathy.

He's not very warm or fun.

These are all assumptions other than her quote above. She won't talk to me about why she doesn't like him.

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 30/03/2021 15:03

I would assume, that you don't have any say in this lodger issue,except not wanting your child to visit her Father. Would it have made a difference,if the lodger was female ! If you yourself had a spare room to rent out,and wanted to make a bit of money, you could have a male or female , turning up to view the room..But I expect you would only offer it to a female.

RedMarauder · 30/03/2021 15:04

@MixedUpFiles you can have Parenting Plans but they are not legally binding.

Plus it would be unreasonable to put that restriction in one as it would be seen as one parent trying to control who the other had in their home. This could include any relation of their ex they don't like/they never met, friends they didn't like, etc as well as new partners and any of their mid-teen/adult children.

Also as a PP said they were criminal record checked when they moved from the EU to the UK. Likewise I've been a lodger including in a place with children, and I have had CRB/equivalent checks for work and/or volunteering for the last couple of decades but have never been asked for one for being a lodger.

Original poster
joysexreno · 30/03/2021 15:06

@MondayYogurt he claims that only the Belgian man was interested, no one else.

He had female lodgers previously (plural) but they left due to Covid

OP posts: