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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to allow ex to have lodger

137 replies

joysexreno · 29/03/2021 23:30

Long story short: my ex makes 6 figures and has stayed in the massive family home. I left due to emotional abuse. We have a 4 year old daughter together and she stays in the house regularly.

He wanted to bring a Belgian man in as a lodger for 3 months (starting a month ago). I said that I would not allow DD to stay there if he did this.

He's now howling about how much money I have lost him.

WIBU?

OP posts:
Clarice99 · 30/03/2021 13:23

What’s the significance of him being Belgian?

Glad it's not just me who picked up on this. Is there a problem with Belgian men OP?

Also, some people have commented about this person being a stranger, but he may not be a stranger to the ex husband.

SarahBellam · 30/03/2021 13:25

Are the Belgians all paedos then?

Shelddd · 30/03/2021 13:26

@MintyMabel

Yes to all. If her dad feels she’s safe then I would trust his judgement!

I agree. The basic premise of the OP’s question is that she doesn’t believe the child’s father is capable of keeping her safe. I’m not comfortable with making that assumption with no other information to go on.

It would never occur to you that a stranger might be a pedophile?
But the likelihood is that they aren’t. Do you spend your life guessing if everyone involved in your children’s life could be a secret pedophile? Have you wondered this about any of the male relatives in your life? They could be and you’d never know it.

Insanity.

Controlling access to your child is the number 1 thing you can do to prevent them from being sexually abused.

Obviously when not living with other parent Your ability to do this is quite limited.

Kids are not abused by escaped convicts they are abused by people in their homes or people in their lives who have access to them for extended periods of time.

I can't believe that close to half are saying this is unreasonable. I understand it may be difficult to manage but it's definitely not unreasonable. Just be happy he listened!

IntermittentParps · 30/03/2021 13:26

The OP has said that the Belgian comment was because a CRB check wouldn't help, as it would only highlight crimes in the UK.

TheCrowening · 30/03/2021 13:28

@OverTheRainbow88

I wouldn’t want my children sleeping in the same house as a random man, no one knows.

Very different to a new partner, who hopefully will have known my ex for months and met my child before they share a space.

People on here often just try to be difficult and argumentative.

Out of choice, who would seriously think that’s ok?

Even though paedophiles can intentionally target single parents for this exact reason?
Original poster
joysexreno · 30/03/2021 13:28

He is a stranger to the ex, a stranger who plans to return to Belgium permanently in a matter of months

OP posts:
OverTheRainbow88 · 30/03/2021 13:29

Do you spend your life guessing if everyone involved in your children’s life could be a secret pedophile? Have you wondered this about any of the male relatives in your life? They could be and you’d never know it.

Sadly yes. I fear my child being invited to friends
Houses who’s parents I don’t know very well.

When you know first hand how trusting the one wrong person can ruin a life it’s hard to not over think.

Disfordarkchocolate · 30/03/2021 13:31

With the Covid situation I would have been very unhappy but I don't think you can stop him when restriction end.

Tillytwilight · 30/03/2021 13:32

I agree about not allowing a random stranger. It would be different if it were a relative or friend, but would still make me slightly unsettled

TwiceAsNice22 · 30/03/2021 13:36

I would not want my child in that situation. The lodger is a stranger found on the internet. You have no way of knowing if he is safe. It puts your daughter in a vulnerable situation. I think there is a difference between dictating what your ex can and can’t do compared to putting your child’s safety and best interests first. Not every parent has good judgement and makes good decisions.

theThreeofWeevils · 30/03/2021 13:42

I wouldn't discount the possibility that the emotionally abusive ex expected OP to react as she did and was merely engineering a grievance to use against her in future.

Original poster
joysexreno · 30/03/2021 13:51

And yeah, I do worry about random people abusing my child. She is so little and innocent. I was mistreated by others at that age (but older children) and never said a word to my parents.

The ex also has terrible judgement about our daughter. He seriously lacks common sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
joysexreno · 30/03/2021 13:51

@theThreeofWeevils that's an interesting insight!

OP posts:
HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 30/03/2021 13:53

Statistically, she's MUCH more in danger of abuse from your ex, or your father, or brother, or uncle, etc etc.

What's the long-term plan with housing? Were you married?

betterfantasia · 30/03/2021 13:53

Do you spend your life guessing if everyone involved in your children’s life could be a secret pedophile

I consider every single person and what access to my children they have. It's routine for me. Close family, neighbours, teachers, everyone.

I wouldn't give a new partner potential access to my children when I was asleep until such a time as they were an old partner.

OP, I don't know if you are technically allowed to do this but I also would fight tooth and nail against a sleeping arrangement where my DD was not behind a locked door away from strangers, especially given that any lodger could be targeting your ex because he has a child.

Original poster
joysexreno · 30/03/2021 13:54

We were married. He will be staying in the marital home and I will be rehousing somewhere worse.

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 30/03/2021 13:56

No, I wouldn't want that at all.

Since the guy is only going to be there a few months, she'll be able to stay at the house again.

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 30/03/2021 13:57

joysexreno Are you getting good legal advice? It seems so unfair that he abuses you and gets to keep the family home. Sad

SofiaMichelle · 30/03/2021 13:59

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

Statistically, she's MUCH more in danger of abuse from your ex, or your father, or brother, or uncle, etc etc.

What's the long-term plan with housing? Were you married?

This!
Original poster
joysexreno · 30/03/2021 13:59

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

Yes, I've had legal advice. I'd rather settle now than dissipate assets and waste time / rent money to get a more fair outcome.

OP posts:
TheSparkleJar · 30/03/2021 14:03

Statistically, she's MUCH more in danger of abuse from your ex, or your father, or brother, or uncle, etc etc.

Even once a stranger male is living in the home?

It's not a risk I'd take.

FedNlanders · 30/03/2021 14:07

Cafcass do not assess lodgers in the house. Just recently been through it. You cant control who sees the child in your exs care.

needsahouseboy · 30/03/2021 14:09

I have lodgers, if my ex tried to tell me I couldn't have them i'd be telling him that it is none of his business.

I make sure my child is safe. YABU

skirk64 · 30/03/2021 14:10

@TheSparkleJar

Statistically, she's MUCH more in danger of abuse from your ex, or your father, or brother, or uncle, etc etc.

Even once a stranger male is living in the home?

It's not a risk I'd take.

I don't know the stats for Belgian men, whether they are more or less likely to commit sexual offences than men of other nationalities, but yes, even after the Belgian moves in, the child is still more at risk from her father.

The closer the relationship with the child, the easier it is to get away with abuse. If the father is a paedophile and the Belgian is not, the father would have more opportunity to commit his offences than the Belgian would if their sex offender statuses were reversed.

Would the OP be happy if the lodger were a young Swedish woman instead? Women can be abusers too, not just Belgian men.

LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee · 30/03/2021 14:13

You are not unreasonable to have concerns but YABU to try to police what Ex does when he has his daughter
Sums it up perfectly.
Op, would I feel comfortable in this situation, no. However threatening to prevent him from seeing his daughter is never a good move.