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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Double standards on mn.

744 replies

thatwasme22 · 29/03/2021 14:55

This week so far:

  1. I have seen various posters defend Caroline Flack for having issues. Maybe she did but then the same argument would not be made on Chris Browne.
  1. A thread on the physical attractiveness on male politicians. Imagine a male forum did this on females.
  1. A thread with a woman hiding her inheritance from her husband and encouraged to do so by many posters and him being called financially abusive for being sensible over money. When men do this on mn it's all ltb.

Am I missing something? I call myself a feminist so am pro equality and that's how I raised my kids but why is this not being called out on mn?

OP posts:
Graciebobcat · 01/04/2021 15:17

I put YABU because this site has thousands of posters with different views. There is not one homogenous "Mumsnet" or "female" view on things, so "Mumsnet" as such cannot have double standards. Maybe some individual posters do, who knows?

thatwasme22 · 01/04/2021 16:06

''Many women on Mumsnet have a background in the women's sector or are abuse survivors themselves, and are more aware of red flags and escalating abuse than you are.''

and many women on mn go and google the statistic that 2 women are killed every week in the uk by their partners and use that to justify misandry or quash somebody who pulls up a double standard.

OP posts:
MarieIVanArkleStinks · 01/04/2021 16:28

I said nothing about rape! I never said NAMALT!

You're referring to a trend of behaviour by women on this site. These threads are the ones where the worst examples of the behaviour YOU are advocating - ie taking issue with those who challenge issues of hegemonic male dominance - therefore I make no apology for citing them. Doubtless you've seen them, as you seem au fait with what you identify as general patterns of behaviour on this site. People on this thread should see precisely the kind of behaviour you are minimising.

some of you are so against men that it must affect the way you treat the men in your life. Including sons. It must.

Your views are ridiculously polarised. It is undeniable that male violence against women, including sexual violence, is endemic. Look at the statistics for yourself. Women are afraid. Women are increasingly saying they don't accept this fate. But the usual suspects come forward to tell us we are man haters who must clearly hate our fathers, husbands and sons. Grip. Get one.

The amount of people mocking men’s feelings when men are just peoples sons.

Remember #MeToo? It involved thousands upon thousands of women, most of who had more than one story to tell about being catcalled, groped, followed, stalked, having their breasts grabbed, strangers turning nasty when their offer of a drink was refused, assault, attack, rape. The people who did this to them were men. They were somebody's sons, too.

How young do you start making them ashamed of their gender? I assume not as a toddler. Teenager? When do you start telling them or showing them that they don’t matter like their sister does?

Your capacity for overreach is really quite remarkable.

This is not about everyone here. Only about the ones who are shouting about men’s feelings not mattering.

Yes, I've seen the 'menz feelz' trope. But I've yet to see this mockery appear on any thread where, for example, a mother posts for advice out of fear for her son's or husband's mental health. Do people laugh and tell him to get a hold of himself and be a 'man?' Of course not. The mockery of mens' feelings occurs in contexts where those feelings are continually being prioritised over women's physical safety. Where we are expected to 'be polite' to ensure their comfort, and to hell with the fact that they are violating our boundaries in the first place. Where we are told we must cede over our rights to men and make room for this infinitely more dominant group in our feminism, otherwise we are not feminists. Refuse, and we are bigots. And these are all factors you've deliberately and disingenuously taken out of context. I'm sure other readers of this thread will see this for what it is.

I’m asking a question here because I am hoping these examples ARE silly and that you mother and care about your children equally. I don’t want to assume the worst about people.

This might sound surprising, but it doesn't matter what strangers on the internet think to other strangers' parenting. Especially when these are people you don't know. And masking this under faux-concern doesn't make it sound any less extraordinary a statement. I could profess equal concern for the children of the 'Not my Nigel' advocates, who are doubtless the reason some of these sons grow up to think they have a right to women's bodies with or without their consent. To bring boys up to believe this to be the case is downright harmful. I fear for the ones with those parents - not least any poor female strangers they might happen to meet.

It’s not all about the rape threads you mentioned @MarieIVanArkleStinks it’s everything when a man is mentioned here.

That's a broad sweep. I've already cited several contexts in which the nuances differ. But nuance seems to be severely lacking in this post. And since you're making generalized observations about this site, the threads you mention are the ones where the NAMALT response is most vociferous, and the feelings of victims of male violence are being minimised, and worse, mocked. This has happened, I can point you directly to those threads. But of course if it's the feelings of a rape victim someone is taking the piss out of, that makes it fine? We are, after all, only women.

it may be an over simplistic view that constantly berating men and taking the piss out of their feelings means that you don’t care about them

And I've taken it at face value and answered these points in good faith. As for your constant protestation that women are 'taking the piss' out of men's feelings (a generalisation I've seen no evidence of) I'd remind you of that old maxim 'men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them'.

Allabouttheangles · 01/04/2021 16:55

Amazing @MarieIVanArkleStinks you have managed to pick my post apart point by point and still not answer the question. Top Politician Material.

Allabouttheangles · 01/04/2021 17:01

And don’t jump to the conclusion I’m not a victim of abuse because I refuse to see men all the same. Thanks.

Butwasitherdriveway · 01/04/2021 17:27

Yet more aggressive posts. For as long as this happens to anyone who dares to mention double standards, this issue will continue

Thelnebriati · 01/04/2021 17:38

Show double standards from the same person, or expect push back.

Cowbells · 01/04/2021 17:40

@JaneJeffer

2. A thread on the physical attractiveness on male politicians. Must have been a short thread.
Grin Grin Grin
Thelnebriati · 01/04/2021 17:42

@thatwasme22

''Many women on Mumsnet have a background in the women's sector or are abuse survivors themselves, and are more aware of red flags and escalating abuse than you are.''

and many women on mn go and google the statistic that 2 women are killed every week in the uk by their partners and use that to justify misandry or quash somebody who pulls up a double standard.

You didnt respond to my point at all. People who are familiar with a specific type of risk will be better at spotting it, analysing it, and talking about how to mitigate the risk than people who have no experience or training.

3 women a week are being murdered by their partner or ex during lockdown. If you think that talking about the risk of male violence is misandry, then you'll see misandry.

Butwasitherdriveway · 01/04/2021 17:47

@Allabouttheangles

And don’t jump to the conclusion I’m not a victim of abuse because I refuse to see men all the same. Thanks.
👏👏👏👏
Butwasitherdriveway · 01/04/2021 17:47

You are right @Allabouttheangles, but uoul get a kicking on MN for those views.

Thus demonstrating the point beautifully.

daysofthunder · 01/04/2021 18:30

@CarolVordermansBum

I remember an AIBU thread where 90% of females said if their partner would not preform oral sex they would LTB. But then in another thread started by a man because his wife wouldn't do it and he wanted advice, 90% of females agreed with his wife, said he was completely unreasonable and abusive for even asking, and most said they will not give oral themselves 🤣🤣

The double standards on here are laughable sometimes

Yep. I agree with this and with the OP.

There's so much misandry on this site and people will do anything to defend it.

Posts like this from a PP are ridiculous in the extreme:

OP, you're defending men. But they're indefensible.

I'm with you on this OP.

Pumperthepumper · 01/04/2021 18:45

@Butwasitherdriveway

You are right *@Allabouttheangles*, but uoul get a kicking on MN for those views.

Thus demonstrating the point beautifully.

That poster should just do what you do, and say something offensive then refuse to engage any further.
Pumperthepumper · 01/04/2021 18:45

There's so much misandry on this site and people will do anything to defend it.

What’s misandry and how does it affect society at large?

Butwasitherdriveway · 01/04/2021 18:46

@Pumperthepumper I didn't say anything offensive.

Butwasitherdriveway · 01/04/2021 18:47

@daysofthunder

Yet they claim they have nowhere , ever, said it's all men , or been in any way sexist to all men at any point.

blackrimmedspecs · 01/04/2021 18:47

Yes, yes you are missing something

Pumperthepumper · 01/04/2021 18:48

[quote Butwasitherdriveway]@Pumperthepumper I didn't say anything offensive.[/quote]
Yes you did. You said men get a hard time on here.

Butwasitherdriveway · 01/04/2021 18:51

How anyone can make comments like 'men feelz' and then claim that saying men get a hard time is offensive.....Grin

Fembot123 · 01/04/2021 18:52

You can’t compare what happened between Caroline Flack and her then fiancée and Chris Brown and Rhianna if you actually know the details of the cases.

Butwasitherdriveway · 01/04/2021 18:53

@Fembot123

You can’t compare what happened between Caroline Flack and her then fiancée and Chris Brown and Rhianna if you actually know the details of the cases.
I agree with that.
Pumperthepumper · 01/04/2021 18:54

@Butwasitherdriveway

How anyone can make comments like 'men feelz' and then claim that saying men get a hard time is offensive.....Grin
It is though. You can’t back up your opinion, but still hang about the thread cheerleading others to be braver than you.
MarieIVanArkleStinks · 01/04/2021 18:58

@Allabouttheangles

And don’t jump to the conclusion I’m not a victim of abuse because I refuse to see men all the same. Thanks.
This assumption has nowhere been made. I neither said nor suggested any such thing. You can't quote it, because it isn't there.

Lovely paraphrase of NAMALT, though. 😃

Butwasitherdriveway · 01/04/2021 19:01

@Pumperthepumper, I'm just not silly enough to engage with you, given your aggression. Your tactics of attempting to bully me into doing so are juvenile.

'it is though' in what way is that you backing anything up?

The statement that men get a hard time on here is not offensive. In the slightest.

It has also been suggested many times on these threads that anyone who defends men is insulting to victims of abuse, which amounts to the same point that days is making.

Pumperthepumper · 01/04/2021 19:04

[quote Butwasitherdriveway]@Pumperthepumper, I'm just not silly enough to engage with you, given your aggression. Your tactics of attempting to bully me into doing so are juvenile.

'it is though' in what way is that you backing anything up?

The statement that men get a hard time on here is not offensive. In the slightest.

It has also been suggested many times on these threads that anyone who defends men is insulting to victims of abuse, which amounts to the same point that days is making.[/quote]
‘Aggression’ - where have I been aggressive? And ‘bully’ - the typical deflection of a person who just wants to stir the pot and cry victim when called on it.

Pretending men get a hard time on here - in a way you can’t explain or justify - as if we all just hang around to be awful to some poor man who’s wandered in. It’s offensive and it’s garbage, which you know because you can’t back it up.

Links to those threads?

Swipe left for the next trending thread