To expect more help than this?

[iwillnot]

Went on maternity leave in October, have a new job in starting in July.

I’m struggling with making payments on my car. Contacted the company to explain this and just got told it was a priority debt.

AIBU in that given how temporary this situation is they should have been a bit more helpful? (I’m not asking for advice as such just wondering if I’m being U.)

And for that reason I won’t say ‘DH I can’t make my car payment’ unless I can’t (as opposed to I can but it’ll leave me with hardly any money.)

But if paying the car payment leaves you with less money than you need to live on then you actually cant afford the payment.

That is when you need to be able to have the conversation of "Hey, I can pay the car payment but I'll have no money for the rest of the month. I don't want you to pay it for me but if you can loan me the money? I will pay you back in July when I have my wage again and it would be a great help?"

Fair enough sunflowers (lovely name) and hopefully the thread will die on a nice note.

@iwillnot

How on earth am I “financially fucked”, emily?

Because you cannot afford a payment you knew was coming. It wasn’t unexpected, you knew it needed to be paid.

If you hadn’t gone the payment freeze, you would literally have no money and would have to have taken your daughters money.

How is that not financially fucked?

This isn’t a healthy relationship. At all. It’s extremely worrying that you can’t see that and what example you’re setting. It’s very sad that you and your partner aren’t a team.

You decided to have a child together, yet one of you is penniless while the other is fine. That’s really not normal.

Because I’m on maternity leave emily

Being able to make all your payments, even if this leaves you with little to no ‘spending money’ is not “financially fucked.” That is “my house is going to be repossessed / I can’t pay the council tax” etc.

@iwillnot

Because I’m on maternity leave emily

Being able to make all your payments, even if this leaves you with little to no ‘spending money’ is not “financially fucked.” That is “my house is going to be repossessed / I can’t pay the council tax” etc.

So? I’m on maternity leave and I’m not in this position because DH and I are a team.

(Although you’re not on maternity leave - you’re unemployed and starting a new job in July.)

You could not afford to make that payment. You were almost stealing your daughters money because you had none yourself. That is financially tucked.

Yes, you do things differently to us. We’ve established that.

I am really upset by your unpleasant and unkind posts.

I have repeatedly explained that DH would gladly give me whatever I asked for. How is that not being a team?

I have also said he would prioritise my luxuries over his essentials hence why I won’t take advantage of that.

What part of this do you have such a huge problem with?

I honestly have never known someone so determined to cause upset just because someone doesn’t do finances in the same way as them.

I think in the couples I know everyone does everything slightly differently, ranging from completely separate accounts to completely shared everything. I have never once thought this reflects on their relationship. I am genuinely baffled by your posts.

emily that comment about being ‘unemployed’ is showing you are just being hostile for the sake of it.

I am getting SMP and will continue to do so until I start my new job. Ergo, I am on maternity leave.

Do you call SAHMs ‘unemployed’ as well?

And I most certainly wasn’t stealing my DDs money.

PIL sent £10 to me for Easter for her. I would have used it for day to day things if needed - I am really so upset now. I can’t believe this.

I posted a thread, for lovely advice and now I have you being vile about my relationship, putting down my employment and saying I’m stealing?

Why? What have I done to make you be so awful about me? You’re saying these things just because DH and I have separate accounts, and I don’t want to ask him for money because he’ll go short himself?

Do you call SAHMs ‘unemployed’ as well?

Yes, because they are. Unless you can tell me who they are employed by?

You seem to see being unemployed as a negative thing, but that’s on you. There’s nothing wrong with being unemployed if you can support yourself.

As for your other post, as I have said, it’s nothing to do with “doing finances differently”.

My intention is not to cause upset but to try and get you to see what a mess you’ve got yourself in. Defending taking your child’s £10 because you have no money and thinking that’s healthy and normal - it isn’t.

Its not a priority debt , they are just saying this! Call Payplan for advice, they are great.

emily you are really upsetting me. Please stop.

I do see being unemployed as a negative thing, funnily enough. It certainly isn’t positive, is it? And you’ve purposefully used it to keep me in my place. Very good.

We have different definitions of being in a mess if all bills covered, all groceries bought and using £10 gifted to me is a ‘mess’ by your definition. I would be interested to know your salary when you aren’t on maternity leave, then.

Since you are very upset I will back away from this thread now, but take on board the advice from this thread.

Being unemployed can be positive for lots of people - those who don’t want to work, don’t need to work, want to be SAHMs or ladies of leisure. It is what you make of it, just like life.

Someone claiming maternity pay is not unemployed emily

Why do you have a problem with a pregnant woman changing jobs?

YABU op. Imagine if we all did that during maternity leave / job changes.

“You shouldn’t have had a child with someone you don’t share finances with.”

“You should have sorted out your relationship and finances before you and (I presume you mean had) a child though. That would have been sensible”

“Are you going to stop behaving like a single parent?”

“You and your DH are not a team. He doesn’t even know the mess you are in.”

“You were prepared to take your daughters money because you didn’t have any yourself.”

“Don’t say we didn’t warn you when you realise just what a mess you’ve got yourself in.”

“This isn’t a healthy relationship”

“You’re not on maternity leave - you’re unemployed’

“You were almost stealing your daughters money”

Can you honestly not see how nasty you have been throughout this thread?

Those comments - accusing me of stealing, repeatedly accusing me of being irresponsible, attacking my relationship - are all because DH and I don’t have a joint bank account.

That’s all.

I haven’t hurt anyone. I have said and done nothing to deserve those awful posts.

Out of interest how would you feel if you found out he'd taken a financial break / had to rely on your daughter's piggy bank to pay a "family essential" bill rather than asking you for a short term loan if you could easily afford it? That he'd gone on line to ask strangers rather than speak to you?

If you know if you mentioned it that he'd just transfer the whole car amount against your will, you have respect and boundary issues.

Well, I certainly won’t be coming online for support again, sleeping, rest assured

And I just want to clarify about dds money because I am really, really upset about this.

DH gets paid mid month and transfers some money to me. I have had to help out a relative: this is not DHs responsibility and so I didn’t mention it to him because it might lead to bad feeling between him and relative. This is my choice.

So DH sent some money over to me and of course my bills come out beginning of the month. My maternity pay goes in on the 6th. So until the 6th I’d have had hardly any money. As soon as the 6th comes I’d have ‘replaced’ dds money.

I am probably being ridiculous but I am really upset by this thread - some of the comments are just awful and I really don’t think that I deserve them.

@iwillnot

Well, I certainly won’t be coming online for support again, sleeping, rest assured

Given how sensitive you are to perfectly reasonable questions and suggestions, that's possibly for the best. You could always talk to your DH about your financial worries.

If I have financial worries in the future I’m sure I will. I doubt I will.

@iwillnot - I hope you're ok. Some people are vile.

I understand given your unexpected additional commitments how you found yourself here. And, I also understand you took responsibility for that and negotiated an acceptable agreement with the company.

I hope you enjoy the rest of your maternity leave and wish you success in your new job

I think what doesn't add up for me, most of all, is this idea of yours that marital solidarity is 'taking advantage'. Who or what has given you that idea? The help for the relative adds another layer to it - it seems you don't want your dh to find out you provided that help. And why did you 'have' to when it left you short yourself?

I freely admit to never having been able to comprehend the 'glorified housemate' model of marital finances - it works for some, great; it's completely alien to me. But there's so much non-communication going on here, from your side at least. I do think it would be helpful to you to ask yourself what you're afraid of, to go to the lengths you have to make sure he doesn't get involved with this. It's like (to invoke a quaint metaphor from bygone times) flying to Paris via NY and Tokyo rather than just getting on a direct plane.

People do things differently mithering

I’m sorry this is so alien to you.

Ah, the over-defensive rudeness again.

I wish you well.

You don’t have to pool finances, nobody is saying that. However your inability to communicate honestly with your spouse and the father of your child even when in dire circumstances does not bode well for the future. It sounds like need to really think about why you are in a relationship and what sort of honesty you expect from him. And why you think he isn’t owed that.

You’re meant to be a team. Not being a team is not “doing things differently,” it’s NOT doing things—being married, cohabiting, coparenting.