To expect more help than this?

[iwillnot]

Went on maternity leave in October, have a new job in starting in July.

I’m struggling with making payments on my car. Contacted the company to explain this and just got told it was a priority debt.

AIBU in that given how temporary this situation is they should have been a bit more helpful? (I’m not asking for advice as such just wondering if I’m being U.)

Well there is that!

DH would help. But I don’t want him to think he has to: that’s all. No big drama. And I don’t think it means I’m not “grown up” or that it was “irresponsible” to have a child.

I think people honestly think their way is the only right and proper way of doing things. It isn’t. It suits you - brilliant, carry on, this suits us.

If the car broke down or there was another emergency that would be a bit different but as it is it’s fine so I’m not seeing the problem.

RTFT cats

Bit of a pile on

When I first read the OP, I agreed it seemed she was being a little short sighted. Some of the comments towards her are ridiculous.

They don't share finances, for whatever reason. Her DH is paying all the bills, she has one to pay and wants to pay it herself to keep some semblance of independence whilst on maternity leave.

Clearly she knew her income would reduce. We have all learned this year that anything can happen and fuck everything up. Companies are offering payment breaks and she is doing nothing wrong by taking advantage of that.

Sorry for talking as though you're not here @iwillnot

I appreciate it hunter

I honestly thought the thread would die after I thanked people and explained I had a brief payment freeze - I can only think some people like trying to make others feel bad?

@iwillnot I have RTFT, I stand by my statement that your husband and the way you do your finances is the issue. You don’t even feel able to talk money with him, shouldering a burden you can’t afford despite having a child with him. If there is one time in your life where it is fair and it is normal to turn to your partner with financial troubles it’s on maternity leave and when financials concern your child.

I get it, you sound like an incredibly proud and independent woman. Hi, it’s really nice to meet someone else like this. I understand. I’ve slogged my way through debt alone, I’ve starved myself to feed my DC rather than ask the father of my child for help. I’ve frozen from 8am-3.30pm through countless winters while the kids were at school so that my children wouldn’t go cold from me using the gas. But do you know all that brought me? Misery. I was cold and I was hungry and I still couldn’t sort my finances enough to cover the bills and put food on the table and make sure that my children didn’t go without. But I was bloody well doing it on my own and that meant a hell of a lot to me, until the thought of going through it all again for another winter had me paralysed with dread. Then I realised that it wasn’t all my responsibility, it should never once have been on me alone. It’s not weak or wrong to accept help from the man that helped create your child because your child needs a mum that’s not constantly worried about money.

I know you don’t want advice, I know you’ll snort and dismiss it and be adamant that you'll never accept help because you absolutely can do it alone. There might come a time when you realise that you need it though, and when you do get to that point don’t waste time and energy stressing it all over and worrying yourself sick at it. Just accept that someone loves you enough to offer that help and support and to want to share that burden with you. It’s ok to accept it, you are worth that love.

I didn’t mention abortion either Emily. But I don’t appreciate being told I shouldn’t have had a baby because DH and I do finances differently to you and your DH. Just as I’m sure you wouldn’t appreciate my telling you that.

Yes, yes you did mention abortion. Nobody else did - just you.

It’s not as simple as “doing finances differently” as I’m sure you well know, but it’s very clear you won’t acknowledge the big issues here.

I think people honestly think their way is the only right and proper way of doing things. It isn’t. It suits you - brilliant, carry on, this suits us.

It clearly doesn’t suit you as you have no money while your DH does

cats come on. Massive difference between being cold in the winter and not asking DH to take on a debt for a car.

Thanks emily but I have sorted the finances.

Your point might be less rude if it was relevant.

@iwillnot

I appreciate it hunter

I honestly thought the thread would die after I thanked people and explained I had a brief payment freeze - I can only think some people like trying to make others feel bad?

the thread would have died pages ago if you’d LET IT.

and yes you mentioned abortion, no one else did

@iwillnot

Thanks emily but I have sorted the finances.

Your point might be less rude if it was relevant.

You’ve sorted your finances have you?

So you have more than the £10 for your daughter from your PILs then?

Look. This thread has gone horrible and it shouldn’t have. I didn’t start it with those intentions.

I took the time to thank everyone sincerely and with genuine gratitude for their advice which gave me some breathing room finance wise. Obviously on maternity leave things are going to be tight. They are tighter here than I anticipated because of a variety of factors I’d prefer not to get into.

DH sometimes drives me bananas but generosity or lack of is not one of his faults. He is paying all bills. He is buying all groceries. He is transferring money into my account unasked. And so I feel uncomfortable asking him for more because I know it would make HIM feel bad - and he shouldn’t.

And maybe that is unreasonable but nowhere on MN or anywhere else do you or should you have to explain or justify why something is comfortable or uncomfortable for you. As things stand this is how we do things. It will probably change when I go back to work.

But comments like ‘You shouldn’t have a child ... that was a very poor move. That’s not a relationship at all’ are cruel and wrong. And I will defend myself against them.

Emily PLEASE will you read the thread?

Okay, so they gave you the money back I assume as you say “I have more than £10 to my name”? Although you didn’t have £10 to your name as that was your DDs.

You’re quibbling over semantics in a thread, but you’re in a relationship where one of you is fine and the other would quite literally have no money if they had to pay their car bill. Can’t you see how wrong that is?

What kind of example does it set? You can’t say it suits you because it doesn’t. It suits nobody to be in this sort of setup.

I stand by what I said - you and your DH are not a team. He doesn’t even know the mess you’re in, that you were prepared to take your daughters money because you didn’t have any yourself! That’s not normal or healthy. Read it back to yourself.

Since you are clearly determined to get all the details of my finances emily I was going to have £285 come out of my account on the 1 April, so nearly £300.

As it is that payment is frozen and will remain so until July, giving me £300 more than I thought, which is a reasonable amount given DH is paying for everything else, wouldn’t you agree?

There isn’t really, it’s the same premise. You would have left yourself with £10 rather than ask him to help. I’ve no wish to upset you though, I’m glad you got it sorted in the end and I hope finances pick up for you ASAP

Yes but cats £10 purely for luxuries and £10 and no heating etc are different. They really are. And the point is DH would go without essentials to see me and DD with luxuries and I won’t let him.

That £300 doesn’t make any difference. You’re still financially fucked, but you seem alright with that so crack on.

Just don’t say we didn’t warn you when you realise just what a mess you’ve got yourself in.

How on earth am I “financially fucked”, emily?

DH would help. But I don’t want him to think he has to: that’s all. No big drama. And I don’t think it means I’m not “grown up” or that it was “irresponsible” to have a child.

But why wouldn't you want to at least ask for temporary help from the person you are having a child with?

I get that you don't want to ask him to pay your debts but this is a one off situation due to citcumstance. Rather than having to go through the convoluted fuss of trying to put off payments via the company, why would you not have the simple conversation with the person you are supposed to love, and is supposed to love you, about whether they would be able to cover the payments for 3 months until your new job, with the agreement that you would then pay it back?

Taking a payment break may not affect your credit rating but it may mean you will be paying more overall as many places will still add interest to the debt on the months you have taken out the payment freeze for, and I don't understand why you would want to take that financial hit rather than be honest with the father of your child?

My ExDH and I have seperate finances now but as we have DD on 50/50 custody all expenses are split evenly (more or less). When it comes to things like club/extra curricular fees etc we both put the same amount of cash into a joint account in DDs name every month to cover those expenses. When DD and I moved last year I had to ask ExDH if he could cover my half of the expenses as I had a lot of upfront moving costs and there was a delay on my previous deposit being returned so the only money to my name during the waiting period was the money for DDs expenses. ExDH was more than happy to cover the expenses as he knew I could (and would) pay him back within weeks as I had proof the money was coming, I just couldn't access it.

How can you have a child with someone that you can't even ask to help you with money when you've absolutely nothing? This is sad.

Can you imagine the outcry if the roles were reversed! If your husband came to you saying "can you help me with my car finance for a few months, I'll pay you back", they'd all be telling you to LTB!

What utter bollocks.

I'm married and if my husband was struggling because, say, he was on SSP for a considerable period of time, I'd have absolutely no issue covering the bills for him. Because to me, that's what marriage and being a family is all about.

In my eyes, a nice car is a luxury, so I don't think you're being unreasonable by keeping this bill separate from your shared finances.

Fair enough, but a car is also a necessity for many people, and falling behind on payments could impact the entire family, not just the person who's locked in to the contract. If my partner was locked into a contract and found themselves struggling financially, why would I want to see them get into trouble as opposed to helping them out?

I’ve explained, melj1213

Over and over

I get some people share all finances. At the moment we don’t. We will in the future I imagine but right now we don’t. That’s not because we don’t love one another or aren’t committed to one another. It’s because of how things were when we met. I dare say it will change when I’m back at work.

If I had said ‘DH I can’t make my car payment’ I’d have had this months payment in my account within ten minutes and probably enough to write off the entire amount within 48 hours. And for that reason I won’t say ‘DH I can’t make my car payment’ unless I can’t (as opposed to I can but it’ll leave me with hardly any money.)

I get some of you would do it differently but the fact I don’t doesn’t mean I’m “financially fucked” or that it was wrong or irresponsible to have a baby in those circumstances. As I’ve said, saying things like that are just cruel.

sunflowers I have not once said DH wouldn’t pay it.

The point is he’d go short himself to pay it. He’d go without essentials to see DD and I happy and with luxuries. Which is lovely but does mean I don’t want to take advantage of this, even if only by accident.

@iwillnot

sunflowers I have not once said DH wouldn’t pay it.

The point is he’d go short himself to pay it. He’d go without essentials to see DD and I happy and with luxuries. Which is lovely but does mean I don’t want to take advantage of this, even if only by accident.

I know that.

My comment wasn't directed at you or your situation.