Not a stealth brag... Tips on raising an exceptionally beautiful child.

[Trytrytryasimight]

I know. I'm cringing at the thread title too.

I'm absolutely average, so is her dad. She happens to have an aunt who is an outlier in their family that looks like Claudia schiffer, and seems to have inherited all of her looks from her.

She's all rosy cheeks enormous green eyes and a mass of curly blond hair that never seems disheveled. She chooses her own clothes, keeps them nicely and puts them together so she looks fabulous every time. She is that child and this is through no effort of my own - I was more of an awkward indie kid through my tweens and teens. I can see other girls want to be her friend cause she's fun and kind but then look decidedly jeolous and irritated at dds clothes, hair, general oh wow look I'm so perfect and yet so pretty unspoken general vibe.
She's 12 and we've noticed teachers, club leaders, family members do seem to give her some kind of preferential treatment and I think it's becuase she is very compliant to adults and also very pretty she is.she is also genuinely good hearted and we've never had any reason to think she is unkind to others.
I want to guide her as best I can, as having an opposite experience of my looks growing up and generally being fairly invisible, I don't really know what you to help someone not place too much worth in their looks while acknowledging it's a lovely thing to be beautiful. Any advice on how to raise a particularly good looking child??

Maybe start teacher her to be less compliant

Being very traditionally attractive, with a compliant attitude, may mean lots of predatory behaviour of males in her world (my experience anyway), it’s hard to fend them off, especially if you’ve been conditioned to be nice and polite

As a teen, I wish my parents had taught me to stand up for myself and not feel bound to accept the unwanted advances of older men such as teachers and tutors and coaches who should have known better

And definitely hide your disappointment when she hacks off her beautiful curls and dies it red! Your dc will have her own ideas about what she wants to be, how she wants to look and it would be extremely damaging not to allow her space to form a proper identity.

Yes my dd definitely got pref treatment, everyone would fawn over her. It used to make me extremely uncomfortable, so I suggest you switch the conversation to something she is interested in when people start going on about her hair. Don't let it define her, or she is at risk of a crisis when she is older about who she really is. Looks should never define anyone.

**dyes

Let home be a place where her looks aren’t an issue.

Its amusing that so many mothers can't believe there are stunningly beautiful people in the world and therefore some mumsnetters are likely to be their parents.
Have none of you ever seen Sophie Ellis Bexter?

I was on a bus in Malta years ago and a 20 something man got on, he was the most visually beautiful man I've ever seen.
My friend and I struggled not too stare. And we both agreed that his life must have been very difficult.

I think you need to remember that what adults think is beautiful is rarely what other children her age do. It’s very possible as she gets older that she comes to you really insecure and you need to have the emotional maturity to deal with that.

I would suggest you focus on other attributes like how she treats others, what she enjoys at school/hobbies, what she’s good at. You do not want her to believe that the best/most valuable thing about her is her looks. You want her to work at her personality and her education and everything else.

I know someone who was a very pretty child and attractive adult and she never sought a career because she always assumed she’d meet a rich man who’d provide for her and she’d have an amazing life - all because her looks would get her there. She thought her main skill was being attractive and didn’t work on other things. I think this was worsened by how other people treated her - including her parents - who always kind of made her believe that she was somehow better than everyone else. She’s now in her 40s, single, not working and still living with her parents. Everyone else has worked on careers, hobbies, relationships...

Not a stealth brag.... but

Don’t let it define her is probably a short version of what I’m trying to say.

Oh another thing I was taught when training to be a therapist... It’s all bullshit before the ‘but’. Not always the case of course.

I just don't agree that should be done with the narrative of 'watch out for men' (putting it very simplistically there)

I do. I was continually street harassed as a teen and in my twenties. My children, both girls, have also had names called at them, one approached in a public park, had derogatory things shouted at them from a van. This is not from women.

I agree with everyone that it's about being vulnerable, not being good-looking, and being near predators- younger children are at risk of sexual abuse because they are less likely to make a fuss and are used to obeying adults, and if they are in the vicinity of a predator (e.g. member of their own family) looks are irrelevant.

I don't think looks are irrelevant out on the street or when you are socializing- this can be positive as in people respond to you in a positive way, you are more likely to get promoted, get people doing things for you, but you can also attract unwanted attention. That's not saying that you can't get shouted at if you are, as I am, an overweight lady going jogging- we have an unpleasant street culture in Britain which is getting worse, but it won't be for the same reason as if you are a hot 17 year old, for sure. It's all hostility and unpleasant though.

If we just insist that everyone is treated exactly the same as adolescents, we are making ourselves blind to the lookism in society. Pretty/socially conventionally good looking people do find life easier, I've been a thin pretty young women and an overweight older one and there's absolutely no doubt about that. That doesn't translate to saying that only the pretty adolescent gets abused or harassed at all.

All girls will get harassment from men and boys.

But some get more than others - or are we not allowed to say that?

I got the usual amount, I imagine, but out with one friend, it was absolutely non-stop, I don't know how she handled it. It was relentless - touching, cat-calling, invitations etc.

I think its a bit weird to pretend that this is not the case. Maybe, if I hadn't been out with her I wouldn't have known tho...

I’ve always taught my DC that there are much more important things in life than the way someone looks so you could start there, just a thought.

Op here have you gone? Anything to add to the discussion?

@NiceTwin

Would you think of raising her any differently if she was pig ugly?

My cousin was said to be like a young Elizabeth Taylor. I grant you, she was pretty and would probably now be seen as an attractive older woman.
To counteract her looks, she is an absolutely vile person. She would trample her own mother to get to where she wants to be.
She has actually led quite a lonely life as she never managed to retain friends, once they saw through her nastiness dressed up as humour.

Probably the most attractive young woman I've ever known, from a very attractive family, was a personality free zone and definitely not a woman's woman. I think that was a massive disadvantage to her, although I doubt she cared much.

My mother was stunningly beautiful as a young woman. Men hit on her all the time and her earliest lessons to me were "A woman must always work so she can be financially independent and stand on her own feet " and "How to deal with pestering men".

@EarringsandLipstick then we agree!

I wouldn’t go in with a ‘watch out for men’ message, and to another pp I don’t think anyone is trying to say only good looking kids are targeted by creeps - it can often be the ones who are disadvantaged in some way because they’re less well looked after and ‘easier’ to access.

But, at the same time, due to my own observations and experiences, I would also be making sure she knew how to speak up, loudly and brashly - fuck being a Nice Girl, honestly.

PFB?

Read Cathy Dweck's growth mindset stuff

Raise her to value effort and hard work not being pretty or smart

A former flatmate had an exceptionally beautiful friend that I would also hang out with from time to time. She had a hard time choosing a good-quality boyfriend as whenever she was single, men would be falling over themselves to be her partner. She never ever had to look for a boyfriend, there was always a queue. She ended up with some quite controlling partners over the years (jealousy was an issue for most of her partners), and they would often buy her gorgeous things for her gorgeous self, expensive clothes, handbag, that kinda thing (when none of the rest of our circle was receiving or had enough money to be gifting that kinda thing) and she would end up feeling indebted and even trapped. I remember her realising eventually that there was more to a relationship than what she was getting from all her relationships thus far. I lost touch with her but I hope she figured it out.
I just wanted to put that out there, I presume boyfriends aren’t an issue quite yet but you’ll be laying that all-important groundwork already.
You’re right to ask OP, she will need all the important life skills that we all strive to instil in our little ones and have already been mentioned many times upthread, but she might also need to keep her wits about her more than us average-looking Joanne Bloggs as she gets older and forms her own relationships (with friends or partners).

Just support her because if she's as beautiful as you say she will attract a lot of dickheads over the years. So focus on her personality and achievements. Encourage her to have high expectations from others, female and male.

One of my sisters was beautiful and other girls were often very envious of her.
One of my close friends from travelling was beautiful and I'd see other women give her dirty looks for no reason and men trip over themselves to chat her up. She'd also walk into jobs into hospitality whereas I'd have to have a trial! which was more typical!

It really is a double edged sword. Hopefully she'll have a lovely set of mates at high school who can see past all that.
Absolutely she will get preferential treatment from some throughout her life.

I’ve seen Sophie Ellis Bextor. Like most models she’s simultaneously exceptionally good looking and also quite odd looking. That type of beauty tends to serve you much better in adulthood than childhood.

Of course she's exceptionally beautiful, so was minecraft that age. Of course you dont want to sound cringey, that's why you have created a thread about it lol

I'm bloody terrified of when men start on her, I've seen them looking in the supermarket.
I remember being on a train once with the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, she could not be older than 12.
The amount of very obvious male attention she got was just unbelievable. I felt really scared for her, to be honest.