Not a stealth brag... Tips on raising an exceptionally beautiful child.

[Trytrytryasimight]

I know. I'm cringing at the thread title too.

I'm absolutely average, so is her dad. She happens to have an aunt who is an outlier in their family that looks like Claudia schiffer, and seems to have inherited all of her looks from her.

She's all rosy cheeks enormous green eyes and a mass of curly blond hair that never seems disheveled. She chooses her own clothes, keeps them nicely and puts them together so she looks fabulous every time. She is that child and this is through no effort of my own - I was more of an awkward indie kid through my tweens and teens. I can see other girls want to be her friend cause she's fun and kind but then look decidedly jeolous and irritated at dds clothes, hair, general oh wow look I'm so perfect and yet so pretty unspoken general vibe.
She's 12 and we've noticed teachers, club leaders, family members do seem to give her some kind of preferential treatment and I think it's becuase she is very compliant to adults and also very pretty she is.she is also genuinely good hearted and we've never had any reason to think she is unkind to others.
I want to guide her as best I can, as having an opposite experience of my looks growing up and generally being fairly invisible, I don't really know what you to help someone not place too much worth in their looks while acknowledging it's a lovely thing to be beautiful. Any advice on how to raise a particularly good looking child??

Ha its a massive benefit and you know it. DD2 is 13 and is also like this.

She is also tall and elegant most times we've been to London model scouts have approached us. My sister laughed at seeing pictures from her birthday she said it looked like one of those magazine articles of the supermodel out with her normal friends. The negatives are envy from other mothers (though not peers) and already street harassment from men. Sadly in our society which values looks so much the advantages are many.

I am brusque and down play it "they are all beautiful" etc. Its also tricky when your other child is normal looking. I have overheard others who don't know I am there commenting on this too so its not me being misty eyed. She doesn't look much like DH and I but my mother who was a model combined with DH tall elegance. Its a genetic lottery.

We down play it never mention it and try not to discuss looks etc. She gets picked for everything at school though

It’s a nonsense to suggest that because she’s beautiful she is more at risk from predatory men than a child who is plain. That flies in the face of everything we know about sexual harassment and child sex abuse. The reality is that predators prey on children who are vulnerable, and whom they have access to - not children who are particularly beautiful.

All children should be taught to have good self esteem and healthy boundaries, and not to keep secrets from their parents. All parents should be aware of which adults have influence in their children’s lives and tuned in to what those adults are like.

Beautiful children aren’t at greater risk from predators. Vulnerable children are.

My mil thinks my daughter should be a model. I just assumed that all parents and grandparents think their children are amazingly gorgeous, it seems sensible from an evolutionary biology pov.
My sister in law actually posted on Facebook about how beautiful her daughter was when we both had babies. I obviously thought hers was a bit funny looking (didn't voice this, I was aware she wouldn't see the obvious superiority of my 3 month old and it would make her sad!)
Looks are subjective, op. And fleeting. Unless she wants to pursue a career where looks matter, don't pay attention to them. (To her looks. Obviously pay attention to your daughter!)

One of my nieces was noted as exceptionally good looking from about 4yo. People would not stop commenting. Friend was very embarrassed to have leched on her at a wedding (when he found out she was only 14). Stop traffic sort of looks as a teenager. She's lost it finally (now 36?). Now just 'pretty' not * WOW *. Her mother seemed ordinary looking but when she smiled she somehow grabbed the entire room. Incredibly photogenic genes.

Niece has recently done something very strange with her eyelashes that just looks all wrong. I hope that's reversible.

One day at a time OP. All the usual social skills still required.

I’d probably get her self-defence classes, tbh. Lots of them. Kick boxing, or martial arts. I remember how predatory men were when I was a teenager, and I was a fat ginger with braces!

@Anyscrapiron

Don't do anything.

Talk about her achievements, where she wants to go in life, let her just do her

You don't need to draw any attention to her appearance at all.

And shes 12, teenage girl years are right around the corner. You'll likely find she'll turn into some untidy, uncompliant young lady with many ideas of her own. I wouldnt get too worried/comfortable with the notion your daughter is just this perfect beautiful person.

Also the teenage years may bring on a huge change in appearance.. ache, greasy hair, body growing at different rates, anything- c'mon op, weve all been through the teenage years.

How would your daughter feel knowing she was once this absolute model child and at 14 she's no longer what you told her she was?

You do nothing.

This.

You celebrate where she is going and what she’s going to do.

A can’t decide whether to be a bit 🤣🤣🤣🤷‍♀️🤪 Monday morning crazy at this op or actually be a bit cross.

So your child is what a western world perceives to be “perfection”. I’d rather my child played and interacted with a range of children and particularly those that valued the inside more than the outside.

You are going to bring up a shallow, self centred and entitled child if all you focus on is your perceived perfection of her looks.

Will you love her less if she reached 13 and gained a stone, pimples and mouse brown hair?

I used to get approached by model scouts. I always assumed they were just sleazy men. I did have the required height and not much in the way of boobs, which were the look at the time.

Beauty is not the gateway to guaranteed happiness, looks may be temporary, and they can also attract unwanted attention and frustrating attitudes.

Help her to cultivate longer lasting assets like social skills, resilience, independence, setting her own personal boundaries, loyalty to friends, hobbies and interests that are unrelated to
physical attributes.

I think it's appalling to ignore the realities of modern society and life.

They are not the realities of my life (now or when I was a teenager / young adult). I'm sorry for your experiences, and glad I live somewhere else.

I don't deny that people, especially women (but I also see how vulnerable teenage boys can be to attack) face threats.

I balance those, not by getting my DD at 14 to start to prepare for harassment by males or the likelihood of being touched on public transport, but by being clear about personal safety (with my daughter & my sons, both), about boundaries, and by considering what I'm open to my children doing without supervision as they move into teenage years.

Probably this is what you do too.

However, responding to the OP 'my child is so beautiful' with 'get on it with protecting her from assaults coming down the line' is what appalled me.

I'm not stupid about risks. And clearly your experience has differed from mine which makes a difference too.

But to posit that 'she's beautiful, she's at more risk' is ridiculous. Sadly, anyone can be a victim.

But most aren't, and our time is better spent inculcating values of respect, courage, self-belief & kindness.

Oh and it’s b0ll0x that “only pretty girls are abused”

Is this a wind up?

Everyone I speak to thinks their child is exceptionally gorgeous. Mine is. He’s the best looking child ever, I have never seen a cuter kid. But all my mum friends say the same. I think you may have rose tinted glasses on.

If she is ‘beautiful’ by current standards then just treat her like normal. Don’t go on about her looks and teach her to be a decent person. Stop behaving like the world is falling at your 12 year olds feet because she’s ‘pretty’ which is a dangerous attitude to have. And by the way, I can’t imagine they actually are.

I meant all my mum friends say the same about their kids, not about mine!

If she's compliant currently be prepared for the teen years, but actually she needs to know her own mind and say no otherwise she could be taken advantage of.

Also be prepared for puberty to change things in many ways, she may be able to deal with it but some don't cope well

@EarringsandLipstick that’s unhelpful. Anything that makes a kid an outlier can - not will, but can - make them a target. I think Jackie’s post is very sensible actually.

I remember being an very young teen like the op’s dd and men starting to look at me, and I was not ready at all and it was vile - and I was average!

I also remember my sister - who, op, was for a period growing up also very very Claudia Schiffer looking - being a serious target for men and boys. She was compliant too, and though she was never assaulted, she was very young and immature when she started receiving that attention - I remember being on holiday in a pub with our parents and she as about 10 and a man staring. :/ (And fucked up as the patriarchy is and being a girl raised to believe my looks were Very Important, I was jealous that I wasn’t beautiful.)

our 15yo french student kissed her at 13, one of our male group of friends 2 years older became her ‘boyfriend’ and kissed her, then dumped her because he was being teased for going out with a 13 yo.

So, yeah, as others have said. Not a focus on compliance, but assertiveness, intelligence, self determination.

I also agree that it may likely all change when she’s older - my sister is pretty, but normal pretty now, not jaw dropping as she was as a teen.

@Hollyhocksarenotmessy

You can disagree all you like but predators don't choose their victims based on their looks and that's been documented many many times. Look at some examples of it helps.

@KERALA1most times we've been to London model scouts have approached us.

Does your DD want to be a model? That must be a great way for a young woman to earn decent money for a few years. Imagine, she could own a house before she went to Uni.

Love that the right on woke brigade have arrived and basically said that men would never dream of perving over a good looking girl...

Not sure if I'm part of that 'woke brigade' but yes, I choose to focus on different things, rather than teaching my children to start with that propositions: you're a good looking girl, watch out for pervy men.

Am I saying such men don't exist? No, I'm not.

I'm saying that my role is to create a confident, rounded individual who can appraise situations & doesn't start with this belief which I consider both anti-feminist & disrespectful to men.

Very much second the risk of boyfriends and men - teach her to know her own mind and what she wants and teach her that her value is not in being loved/desired.

Teach her lots of skills that don’t rest on looks, praise her sense of humour and kindness.

Fill her with ambition for her life and career prospects that don’t rest on good looks.

Try as you can to cultivate a peer group that is honest kind, dorky and funny so that she doesn’t just end up surrounded by equally as good looking but dull/vapid clique.

@activitythree

Interesting the amount of women on this thread raising the issue of predatory men as if they only go for 'attractive' children.

What a load of fucking bollocks.

Yes. Absolutely this.

Wouldn’t you raise them the same way you would an ‘ugly’ child? I didn’t realise parents brought up beautiful and ugly children differently. Also I’m sure every child is beautiful to their parents. That’s what I get from this thread.

Please don't raise her to believe she's exceptionally beautiful because she's exceptionally beautiful. Two reasons : looks fade or can be lost through illness or tragedy. You do not want her self worth tied inextricably to her appearance. Also, if she believes she is special because of her appearance she may in time (and with encouragement from life) come to believe that others are less special, or less beautiful because they are outwardly less beautiful than her. That would be a tragedy.

My daughter is quite striking, but I also think this of her friends. She sort of blossomed and now I see her self esteem getting lower and lower the more and more she is heckled and approached in the street, I’ve seen in when sitting in a car waiting to pick her up.

I think the best thing you can do is try and prepare her, actually all females, with a strong self of self confidence, she has started to learn to ignore it, this alone has also bought her grief, one was a middle aged arsehole with two young children with him.

Agree with the comments, less compliant, more aware of when it is an isn’t required and knowing when to say stand up for herself.

My son is exceptionally good-looking. He's a royal PITA to live with.

The best thing you could teach her is that it’s an entirely subjective and ephemeral quality that she absolutely can’t rely on from one minute to the next. But you’d need to teach yourself that first.