Not a stealth brag... Tips on raising an exceptionally beautiful child.

[Trytrytryasimight]

I know. I'm cringing at the thread title too.

I'm absolutely average, so is her dad. She happens to have an aunt who is an outlier in their family that looks like Claudia schiffer, and seems to have inherited all of her looks from her.

She's all rosy cheeks enormous green eyes and a mass of curly blond hair that never seems disheveled. She chooses her own clothes, keeps them nicely and puts them together so she looks fabulous every time. She is that child and this is through no effort of my own - I was more of an awkward indie kid through my tweens and teens. I can see other girls want to be her friend cause she's fun and kind but then look decidedly jeolous and irritated at dds clothes, hair, general oh wow look I'm so perfect and yet so pretty unspoken general vibe.
She's 12 and we've noticed teachers, club leaders, family members do seem to give her some kind of preferential treatment and I think it's becuase she is very compliant to adults and also very pretty she is.she is also genuinely good hearted and we've never had any reason to think she is unkind to others.
I want to guide her as best I can, as having an opposite experience of my looks growing up and generally being fairly invisible, I don't really know what you to help someone not place too much worth in their looks while acknowledging it's a lovely thing to be beautiful. Any advice on how to raise a particularly good looking child??

whether your kid looks like Claudia Schiffer or Plug from the Bash Street Kids, you raise them the same, to be kind, compassionate and curious.

Perfectly, and cleverly, said.

Just this.

Good advice from Jackie Weaver beauty and compliance are actually not a great combination. Teach her to be able to say no, assert herself and have strong boundaries.
Be kind. My arse! Be fierce.

I don't think you need to do anything.

Pretty children often aren't that good looking as adults. It's the mediocre non-noticeable ones who are suddenly stunners after teenage.

You could be talking about my daughter! We never talk about how she looks. We talk about how clever and funny she is. She is literally so perfect, all her teachers love her and she's the kindest friend. I'm bloody terrified of when men start on her, I've seen them looking in the supermarket.
I have other children so I'm not just saying this because I know she is very beautiful.

Most parents think their children are beautiful ,I remember when Ds1 was a baby and someone actually stopped us in the street as they were looking for models of all ages ,and being stopped when we were on holiday in the turkey by people teling us how gorgeous he was ,he's fourteen now and going through a bit of an awkward phase,but he still very beautiful to me .

She is a child and will be vulnerable to men and teenage boys soon if not already.

What an appalling attitude. Human beings are vulnerable, in different ways. It's not down to her being a) beautiful b) a girl.

Also, if you are worrying about potential assault, I'm sure you realise that that is about the perpetrator & not the looks of the victim.

However, I see no need to take this attitude with a 12 yo girl. Sure, you empower them & give practical guidance. But worrying about their 'vulnerability' to men is a total misstep.

I have taught some exceptionally beautiful children over the years.

I still see many of them as adults and almost all are now quite ordinary in terms of looks, whereas I have seen some of the children who were non-remarkable as children looks-wise blossom into stunning grown-ups.

It will ease her path in many ways, but may lead also to unrealistic and wrong, limiting assumptions about her too. Build her inner strength, confidence and character so that she sees herself as so much more than her beauty, and views and treats others the same way. That is what will take her on through life.

Teach her that beauty also exists on the inside, and ensure she works hard on her personality and intelligence - she won't always be able to rely on her looks to open doors. Looks fade, intelligence doesn't.

I would talk endlessly about her personal attributes, is she good at climbing trees, running, collecting shells whatsoever.

Focus on what her limbs are for, her arms and the actual function of her body. Teach her early on that no one should touch her, all children should be taught body boundaries, yours included.

Compliance is not a good thing at all, assertive skills and being able to stand for herself is more important.

@ViolentFern

You could be talking about my daughter! We never talk about how she looks. We talk about how clever and funny she is. She is literally so perfect, all her teachers love her and she's the kindest friend. I'm bloody terrified of when men start on her, I've seen them looking in the supermarket. I have other children so I'm not just saying this because I know she is very beautiful.

You need to have a word with yourself. 😡

When 'men start on her'. Why would you think like this?

You being your children up with the values that matter to you. You don't parent differently because you decide that they are better looking than others. And to be positioning your DC as already the subject of the male gaze is disrespectful to your DC and men.

There is no reason to think someone who is beautiful will be additionally at risk than anyone else.

And also, genuinely, all children, and people are beautiful. That beauty comes in different ways & forms though. And it's neither more or less likely to lead to male objectification & attack.

@Scarby9

I have taught some exceptionally beautiful children over the years.

I still see many of them as adults and almost all are now quite ordinary in terms of looks, whereas I have seen some of the children who were non-remarkable as children looks-wise blossom into stunning grown-ups.

It will ease her path in many ways, but may lead also to unrealistic and wrong, limiting assumptions about her too. Build her inner strength, confidence and character so that she sees herself as so much more than her beauty, and views and treats others the same way. That is what will take her on through life.

Another brilliant post.

OP I find this post really funny - just because it’s what every parent believes about their child. The very fact that you have placed so much emphasis on them as a parent says a lot about how important they are to you personally - as they are to society in general. I really, really would de-emphasise it in your own head and focus on developing her personality based on her own interests.

I don't really know what you to help someone not place too much worth in their looks

Perhaps a good place to start would be for you not to focus so much on her looks?

People really think some of the shit I'm reading in these posts
Dear fucking god

And by the way - sorry OP but it is a stealth brag - but I’m sure your child is beautiful - as all children are.

Never focus on her beauty or make it key to who she is. She may go through a spotty puppy fat phase in her teens and it won't help if she's been treated like a princess.

Encourage her to work hard at what she loves and give her lots of encouragement for her actions not her looks. Long term, being resilient and tenacious are what keep you happy in life.

But also, I would maybe teach her what to look for in a partner - how to spot and avoid men who are only after her looks, and how to handle (as far as anyone can) men who get angry that pretty women aren't interested in their advances.

I once worked with a phenomenally beautiful woman. Hollywood looks. All the men in the office adored her. She got engaged recently to a short plump smiley man who clearly adores her for who she is, not one of the men who pursued her to look good on his arm. They have so much in common they are like happy children together. He doesn't seem to notice her looks much.

@EarringsandLipstick

She is a child and will be vulnerable to men and teenage boys soon if not already.

What an appalling attitude. Human beings are vulnerable, in different ways. It's not down to her being a) beautiful b) a girl.

Also, if you are worrying about potential assault, I'm sure you realise that that is about the perpetrator & not the looks of the victim.

However, I see no need to take this attitude with a 12 yo girl. Sure, you empower them & give practical guidance. But worrying about their 'vulnerability' to men is a total misstep.

I think it's appalling to ignore the realities of modern society and life. I was a visually unremarkable and fairly sheltered and at 12/13 Men in 20s and 30s would frequently try and touch me on tubes swap numbers with me on the bus, honk at me and shout abuse, follow me and generally be creeps. Both in school uniform and without.

Look at the MeToo and the Dulwich college &almost every other fucking school exposé. This behaviour is rife.

Something is appalling but it certainly isn't my attitude...

Love that the right on woke brigade have arrived and basically said that men would never dream of perving over a good looking girl...

Meanwhile, back in the real world there’s “Everyone’s Invited” and daily stories on here about harassment and worse.

Teach her to be less compliant and more bolshy. If she really is unusually pretty, she’ll know about it by now. Make sure that’s not the entire source of her self worth.

She sounds ace, but some of this is happening in your own mind due to your experience of not being beautiful (same boat so I'm not going to tell you "of course you're beautiful! Everyone is!).

She's a pretty girl, but if she has two average looking parents she is not going to turn out disturbingly beautiful. Teach her to work hard, value herself highly, stand her ground and not be unquestioningly compliant. And to enjoy her good looks!

In terms of friendships, being beautiful and having the right clothes does NOT put people off. If you are repeatedly noticing other girls not choosing her as a friend, it is not due to envy on their part - there is something else putting them off.

Interesting the amount of women on this thread raising the issue of predatory men as if they only go for 'attractive' children.

What a load of fucking bollocks.

I disagree with the above poster. Yes, creepy men are creepy regardless of looks. I'm very plain and got creepy man attention as a teen.

However...a friend has a drop-dead stunning daughter. The leering was awful as daughter also looked 3 or 4 years older than she really was (no makeup, no effort to look older, she just did).

Build your daughters confidence and be clear that being 'nice' is not required if anyone makes her feel uncomfortable. Call out the pervs.

I would just be aware that she will invoke jealousy in others and she should ensure that she values herself regardless of other people’s snide comments. Also make sure she has value other than her looks (ie: education) as her looks will fade, and a lot of women struggle when they have little else.

I have a colleague who says this about her dd. I mean she’s a pretty and cute little girl but just like the others except she has a mum who thinks she’s better than others. It’s hilarious and totally cringeworthy.

Well, first off, almost everyone thinks their DC are beautiful. Don’t focus on her looks as she’ll change as she goes through puberty. You don’t want her to resent puberty. Her body, her face, her interests, her fashion. I think everyone goes through an “awkward phase” in their early to mid-teens where they’re spotty and wear fashion that will go out of style. You have to allow her to be herself.

Your post is already indicative of someone who believes looks and compliance are the best possible traits a child can have... I would start by changing that attitude to be honest!!

"Pretty + compliance can result in a greater volume of male predators - including whist she is very young (now) - and also workplace bullying could be an issue for her, so you'll want her prepared to handle that."

This.

You can't predict how she'll look as she gets older so I agree with PP about not putting any kind of pressure on her by labelling her. On the other hand you've noticed some jealousy from others and that could continue, so maintaining her confidence through that is a good thing.

Making sure she can stand up for herself and be less vulnerable to creeps is important. I was (definitely not any more) a tall beautiful teen and was SA by older boys and men because I was also socially naïve and didn't have the confidence to defend myself or knowledge to stay safe. I was SA many times from 14-19 and that had a cumulative affect that led to being in an abusive relationship with a very attractive man (who happened to be a raging narcissist unfortunately). The long term affects of the abuse left me prematurely aged and positively ugly, it's strange being treated differently because of your looks but it's a real thing.