Not a stealth brag... Tips on raising an exceptionally beautiful child.

[Trytrytryasimight]

I know. I'm cringing at the thread title too.

I'm absolutely average, so is her dad. She happens to have an aunt who is an outlier in their family that looks like Claudia schiffer, and seems to have inherited all of her looks from her.

She's all rosy cheeks enormous green eyes and a mass of curly blond hair that never seems disheveled. She chooses her own clothes, keeps them nicely and puts them together so she looks fabulous every time. She is that child and this is through no effort of my own - I was more of an awkward indie kid through my tweens and teens. I can see other girls want to be her friend cause she's fun and kind but then look decidedly jeolous and irritated at dds clothes, hair, general oh wow look I'm so perfect and yet so pretty unspoken general vibe.
She's 12 and we've noticed teachers, club leaders, family members do seem to give her some kind of preferential treatment and I think it's becuase she is very compliant to adults and also very pretty she is.she is also genuinely good hearted and we've never had any reason to think she is unkind to others.
I want to guide her as best I can, as having an opposite experience of my looks growing up and generally being fairly invisible, I don't really know what you to help someone not place too much worth in their looks while acknowledging it's a lovely thing to be beautiful. Any advice on how to raise a particularly good looking child??

I’m afraid to say you need to teach her to watch out for boys and actually not be so compliant and amenable to people. One of my best friends at school was really lovely kind and friendly, and was also extremely beautiful. She was stopped by model agents but never wanted to do it. She always attracted the lecherous boys who wanted to get into her pants. The nice ones never thought they would be good enough.
All of these people saying she’s just a normal kid really have no idea what it’s like to be an unusually beautiful child attracting a lot of attention because of that

@Trytrytryasimight

Not matter what others say. You’re not being unreasonable. If you had a child that got picked on for wearing glasses or having sticky out teeth or ears, most would have well thought out advice.

But because you have a beautiful daughter and honestly want some advice around this. Instead of people being supportive (like they would in the situation above), you’re just getting negativity. Says a lot about the people on MN.

I wouldn’t come to MN to ask for advice on pretty privilege, I could be wrong but the results shows that I’m not. You’d be better off asking individuals who might understand pretty privileged problems for advice.

With everything that’s happening in the private and state schools in the news. I’m surprised to see people saying advising you to teach your daughter - not to draw attention to herself - why? Are you saying it’s the woman’s fault if she gets negative attention off men?!

If you honestly believe that a young child is responsible for the negative attention, rather than the grown adult men that give the negative attention.....then no wonder women have issue in this area.

You do you. Think outside the norm, as thinking like the norm hasn’t really got us women anywhere.

As you can see from the tsunami of vitriolic posts, a beautiful young woman is a magnet for jealousy and spite from people she doesn't know.

However, this need not be an issue for her. If her family is loving and nurturing, her education is good and she is in general able to grow up feeling good about who she is, she will be fine. Looks matter to outsiders, not people who are close.

Has anyone else noticed that the OP never came back? Made up post?

Yes, it’s been commented on several times.

Are you raising your child to be seen and not heard? Beautiful and compliant!

My children are also beautiful (every parent has beautiful children), I taught my daughters to not be heckled, jeered or abused and to be confident, I also taught them to be kind, respectful but strong and secure in their opinions. Which is the same thing I taught my sons.

I think you need to have a good look at your own values.

I was having a chat with one of my school friends the other day and we noted how the group of girls in our year at school who were incredibly beautiful (there were 5 of them and all the boys fancied them) are now the least attractive. Life has clearly been hard on all of them and it shows on their face. They were all terrible bullies mind so I don't feel too sorry for them.

Point is, don't get too hung up on looks. Maybe they'll fade, maybe she'll be lucky and they won't. What I remember most about those beautiful girls in my year is what awful, awful people they were. I know the "be kind" phrase is being thrown around a lot at the moment... but it's true.

I feel this is a made up boost or extremely exaggerated.

post*

@19thNamechange

Has anyone else noticed that the OP never came back? Made up post?

Yes she came back

I appreciate all the feedback and have come back to the thread quite a few times. While all feedback and discussion is useful, the posts seem to fall into the same camps, roughly
She's not that pretty and will be an ugly adult, that I am deluded and a joke
That I am right to be seeking responses about an unusually pretty and compliant child at secondary school
I appreciate all the feedback,especially about consent boundaries and praising her for all her other skills and accomplishments that she has worked hard at.
Thanks all

The thing is, it’s something you are obviously unconsciously acting upon yourself because you’ve written a long post about it.

Oh and I have a family friend who was a beautiful child and grew up to be a beautiful adult. All her parents talked about was her looks and she grew up thinking is was the only thing that defined her and was the key to any success she might have. She ended up becoming a stripper and a glamour model selling her stories to rags about which famous people she’d slept with.

She now has 3 daughters of her own and she focuses heavily on what they look like.

It’s not very healthy IMO.

This is happening to my friend. Her daughter is 13 and looks like a model or mermaid or something. Both parents are very well groomed but average looking.
Do not do what my friend does, which is to publicly compare herself unfavourably. She makes statements such as: “I feel like a hippo who gave birth to a gazelle”. It makes everyone feel awkward to reassure her etc, it’s not helpful or healthy.
I do understand your concern. One of my good friends is very beautiful. It didn’t always look like fun to be honest. She got a lot of unwanted attention from men and found it a bit hard to make friends with (jealous) girls at high school. Some of the attention was very creepy (friends Dads when we were teens). I consciously felt glad I wasn’t her, several times.
Good luck!

@Trytrytryasimight

I appreciate all the feedback and have come back to the thread quite a few times. While all feedback and discussion is useful, the posts seem to fall into the same camps, roughly She's not that pretty and will be an ugly adult, that I am deluded and a joke That I am right to be seeking responses about an unusually pretty and compliant child at secondary school I appreciate all the feedback,especially about consent boundaries and praising her for all her other skills and accomplishments that she has worked hard at. Thanks all

I genuinely do not understand why so many people insist that beautiful children grow up to be ugly. It's such nonsense. And nor do I understand why many insist she cannot be truly beautiful when we all know that many people are.

My daughter was an exceptionally beautiful child and is now an exceptionally beautiful young woman. It's not something we talk about, it's just how it is. She has always had good friends. My focus is on my kids' well-being, confidence, education and being physically and emotionally healthy.

Some horrible replies on this thread especially the ones happy to say their beautiful childhood friends grew up to be plain/ ugly. I agree with the advice to say don't focus on her looks at all and work to build up self esteem and confidence based on who she is and what she does. Looks are a nice bonus but they'll only get you so far. How she feels about herself is far more important.

I think so many people on this thread insist that beautiful children grow up to be ugly, because statistically they are more likely to have been in the "other" category as a child, and are playing out a decades long psychodrama in this thread.

@Ginuwine

I think so many people on this thread insist that beautiful children grow up to be ugly, because statistically they are more likely to have been in the "other" category as a child, and are playing out a decades long psychodrama in this thread.

Or live in the real world and see hundred of thousands of people in their life time (RL) and can see that ‘beautiful’ is extraordinary and very much the exception (as well as being subjective) and not the norm.

However, apparently it is the norm on here (given that every 3rd poster says they have a beautiful child) the probability is that it’s not a reflection of reality.

Some beautiful kids do grow up to be beautiful adults of course, but it’s certainly not a given. So the point people are making is that the concern the op has, might not be a concern for much longer. It might happen and she can take the advice that has been given.

I would also add that most teachers will have their favourites, maybe it’s the funny kid, smart kid, one that’s a not cheeky chappy, so it’s not only the ‘beautiful’ ones that will be favoured.

Given that some have described how ‘jealous’ other people can be judging by this thread, it would be fair to assume that they could be potentially be treated negatively because people are so jealous....

@TableFlowerss

Ok, so maybe beauty is in the eye of the beholder and many think their DCs are beautiful. But why are having a virtual census on what beauty is percentage wise and how many people fit that description?

The OP is talking about her lived experience and perception (something that she should clearly never deign to do on AIBU, where you'll be picked apart to suit someone else's narrative).

Back on point, her experience relates to people's perception of her child. Who cares about how many other children also share that experience, or whether OP's DD is statistically "beautiful", or will grow out of her looks?

Nah, all that stuff relates to tall poppy perception - how can we cut down the OP and make her feel silly for daring to post about this.

AIBU makes me shake my head more often that not these days.

[quote Ginuwine]@TableFlowerss

Ok, so maybe beauty is in the eye of the beholder and many think their DCs are beautiful. But why are having a virtual census on what beauty is percentage wise and how many people fit that description?

The OP is talking about her lived experience and perception (something that she should clearly never deign to do on AIBU, where you'll be picked apart to suit someone else's narrative).

Back on point, her experience relates to people's perception of her child. Who cares about how many other children also share that experience, or whether OP's DD is statistically "beautiful", or will grow out of her looks?

Nah, all that stuff relates to tall poppy perception - how can we cut down the OP and make her feel silly for daring to post about this.

AIBU makes me shake my head more often that not these days.[/quote]
The other issue that has been pointed out previously, which is getting people’s backs up, is the suggestion that only beautiful children/adults get unwanted attention and evidently that’s not true.

Unwanted attention happens to the vast majority (of particularly) females. It’s something that shouldn’t be accepted as norm and at some point, it will be experienced by even ‘average plain janes’.

I don’t need to elaborate on that further as I’m sure you get my point.

@zingally

A work colleague, who was very average, had an absolutely beautiful baby/toddler. Literally the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. This child is now about 11, and is the spitting image of her very average mum! Real shame!

As for a pretty 12 year old... From my own school days, it's not the pretty girls who are attractive 30+ somethings now. The girls who were pretty at 11-18, are still doing the same make-up/hair/clothes that they wore at their peak, and are thus looking worn and out of date. It's more of the "average girls" who have flourished.

Wow what a hideous thing to say.

'It's a fact that people do treat beautiful people better in life. ' whaaaat?
I don't know where this 'fact' came from, of course they do not!
In fact, their physical beauty may arouse jealousy, suspicion and so on.
I think it is a mistake to value girl's looks too highly, sure tell them they are lovely and you love them. That is quite enough.
I would rather she chucked her clothes everywhere and played in mud, much more fun.
PS many many children are beautiful. In fact, most are .

@Funguy

'It's a fact that people do treat beautiful people better in life. ' whaaaat? I don't know where this 'fact' came from, of course they do not! In fact, their physical beauty may arouse jealousy, suspicion and so on. I think it is a mistake to value girl's looks too highly, sure tell them they are lovely and you love them. That is quite enough. I would rather she chucked her clothes everywhere and played in mud, much more fun. PS many many children are beautiful. In fact, most are .

It is a fact. Tons of research done on it.

Doesn't every parent think their child is exceptional. Think its just a genetic response.