Not a stealth brag... Tips on raising an exceptionally beautiful child.

[Trytrytryasimight]

I know. I'm cringing at the thread title too.

I'm absolutely average, so is her dad. She happens to have an aunt who is an outlier in their family that looks like Claudia schiffer, and seems to have inherited all of her looks from her.

She's all rosy cheeks enormous green eyes and a mass of curly blond hair that never seems disheveled. She chooses her own clothes, keeps them nicely and puts them together so she looks fabulous every time. She is that child and this is through no effort of my own - I was more of an awkward indie kid through my tweens and teens. I can see other girls want to be her friend cause she's fun and kind but then look decidedly jeolous and irritated at dds clothes, hair, general oh wow look I'm so perfect and yet so pretty unspoken general vibe.
She's 12 and we've noticed teachers, club leaders, family members do seem to give her some kind of preferential treatment and I think it's becuase she is very compliant to adults and also very pretty she is.she is also genuinely good hearted and we've never had any reason to think she is unkind to others.
I want to guide her as best I can, as having an opposite experience of my looks growing up and generally being fairly invisible, I don't really know what you to help someone not place too much worth in their looks while acknowledging it's a lovely thing to be beautiful. Any advice on how to raise a particularly good looking child??

I was once randomly told by my mother as we were crossing a road, 'You're going to grow up to be attractive; that doesn't count for anything.' I never considered myself 'til then to be attractive (or what that meant for me at the time), and wouldn't have assumed, if I was, it would make any difference to my life. I was about 10.

From then on I constantly wondered if I was attractive and, if I was, was I attractive enough?

I've not read the full thread, so may be repeating. Don't put any emphasis on what she looks like, encourage her to have a lot of interests. Praise her for achievements that require effort.
Teach her to NOT be compliant, to not put her own needs after the desires of others. Teach her boundaries and the importance of them

Teach her to be assertive.

If she is kind and sensitive she may feel guilty turning down men who come onto her, as she won’t want to hurt their feelings. This is a big problem. Teach her, from a young age, it is ok to say no I don’t want to go out with you, give you my number etc. Even “as friends”. And that she doesn’t need a reason.

Teach her that a lot of men will give her preferential treatment, and some women will resent her for this. It isn’t her fault. Teach her that it is ok if some women or men don’t like her. Not everyone has to like each other. (As a people pleaser I only learned this in my 20’s, and wish I had learned sooner).

Teach her practical safety stuff about predatory men (applies to all young girls sadly I think).

And when it comes to the workplace / teach her to be wary of male “mentors” who give her career advancements or help she may not have earned. As a nice person she may just assume they are being nice, and then be in for a nasty shock.

And definitely develop her interests/personality outside of how she looks - but I’m guessing you would do this anyway.

FYI OP, I had bright blonde ringlets at 12 too. By 16 it was brown. Now, at 25 it's dark brown and straight.

I understand where you're coming from and have seen this go both ways. Brad Pitt talks about this a lot as his childhood experience was one of preferential treatment because of his looks which he says he fought against. I know people who have encouraged their children to rely on it and they have ended up being absolute cunts (from a young age into adulthood) and tend to not have anything else going for them as they are entitled. I know other parents who favoured their average looking children somewhat as they could see the preferential treatment everyone (even teachers) gave their better looking child just to try and even things out which did help to be fair. It sounds like she's balanced but as she gets older ensure she does not rely on her looks and focuses on perfecting a career she will enjoy and that she has empathy for others. Stuff you would do anyway but children who are treated In the way that your daughter is need this more ( thorough no fault of her own). Prepare for the possibility that she may not be able to keep friends too. I see this happen a lot because of the jealousy of others. Good luck, you sound like your doing a great job x

A beautiful child who is compliant to adults is a child at risk. I'm sorry to say that, but it is true. Make sure she is well-aware of personal boundaries, and knows to tell you if an adult crosses hers!

Other than that, compliment her on her kindness, empathy, and understanding. Others will compliment her on her looks more than enough. When (if) she says, "OH, this person says I'm beautiful!" Tell her, "Well, you are, that was a gift to you. More importantly, you are kind. That you did yourself."

Kids do change a lot as others have said, but agree in the post you seems overly focussed & in awe of her appearance, not a healthy perspective especially as she is coming in to the teenage years.
I too find the over compliance with adults a bit worrying, that’s another odd thing to value, better to foster independent thinking and speaking up.
Focus more on talking and sharing experiences rather than getting fascinated with beauty.

@Trytrytryasimight

**Pretty + compliance can result in a greater volume of male predators - including whist she is very young (now) - and also workplace bullying could be an issue for her, so you'll want her prepared to handle that.

There will be plenty of those who "neg" her to bring her down a peg or two, don't do that. Make sure her family is a very safe and un-envious, inawkward space for her. You don't want to build narcissism in her, but you do want to ferment confidence and self esteem.

This.

My daughter is very pretty and I do say to her sometimes that she is beautiful but she says no I’m not , of which I reply that I didn’t need to say it. But I tell her more that she is a nice person with a good heart who is very compassionate of which she says thank you mummy. She’s also very clever. But I also point out that she’s a bit lazy and placid (having even going to martial arts classes for 3 years) which I’d rather she focus on to be able to cope with things better as she gets older, such as doing school work and being able to look after and protect herself if needed. Looks aren’t everything.

A work colleague, who was very average, had an absolutely beautiful baby/toddler. Literally the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. This child is now about 11, and is the spitting image of her very average mum! Real shame!

As for a pretty 12 year old... From my own school days, it's not the pretty girls who are attractive 30+ somethings now. The girls who were pretty at 11-18, are still doing the same make-up/hair/clothes that they wore at their peak, and are thus looking worn and out of date. It's more of the "average girls" who have flourished.

@Toomuchtrouble4me

You could stop with the beautiful clothes for a start if you were genuinely bothered. You buy them! Tie her hair back and stop boasting about her. I can’t give any more advice because my children are decidedly average. I expect in reality that yours is too, we all have different ideas of beauty.

you sound quite jealous :)

Lots of people sound really bitter and jealous on this thread

There's been a massive lack of reading skills and critical thinking by some posters re the original post. @Trytrytryasimight was asking how to help her child navigate life whilst she's already getting attention and being treated differently by people including teachers. How to have her not feeling special because of how she looks. How being 'compliant' probably isn't such a good thing and wondering how to protect her from all those things that arise.
It's no leap of imagination to understand that people like OP's daughter do get treated differently.

@zingally

A work colleague, who was very average, had an absolutely beautiful baby/toddler. Literally the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. This child is now about 11, and is the spitting image of her very average mum! Real shame!

As for a pretty 12 year old... From my own school days, it's not the pretty girls who are attractive 30+ somethings now. The girls who were pretty at 11-18, are still doing the same make-up/hair/clothes that they wore at their peak, and are thus looking worn and out of date. It's more of the "average girls" who have flourished.

Yeah, such a shame

I used to work with a beautiful girl, beautiful inside and out and she’d been badly bullied at school by jealous girls.

Being good looking definitely opens up doors than being plainer does. As long as you teach her it's what's inside that really counts and to be kind, caring, hard working - let her get on with it. Life is generally easier when you are pretty -consider it a genetic lottery

Kids change as they grow older. Even one girl known as 'the most beautiful girl in the world' has become plainer as she has gotten older. She's still prettyish but not gorgeous IMO.

@chalktheblockwithglitterchalk

Kids change as they grow older. Even one girl known as 'the most beautiful girl in the world' has become plainer as she has gotten older. She's still prettyish but not gorgeous IMO.

Oh I remember that kid. Yeah ... yeah ........

I think i'd steer her away from traditional beauty stuff at the moment OP and encourage her to focus on sport or something like scouts or Army/air/sea cadets. All these activities focus on teamwork and building resilience and they value people for who they are, not what they look like.

My children have grown up now but I'm very impressed with this movement of raising little warriors instead of princesses, that seems quite popular where I live.

Being kind and compliant is a recipe to be taken advantage of and used.

Teach her to be assertive and warn her about men.
I 2nd self defense classes.

Creepy older boys and men are relentless.

I'm an old bag now but in my younger days, I didn't have a minutes peace when I went outside. I'd sit on a bench and within minutes some creep would sit next to me, being followed in stores,
It was exhausting and sometimes scary.

OP, my mother thought exactly this about me and all I can say is make sure you prepare her well for the outside world, who may not agree with you... it was a very rude awakening for me to realise that perhaps I wasn’t beautiful after all. It probably took me a decade to fully understand and internalise this! I think it had become a big part of how I saw myself, which clearly wasn’t healthy. I even did some modelling as a child - I know this doesn’t have to mean you are pretty, it just means you have a commercial look which sells, but it still added to my belief that my mum was correct... and then I had to come to terms with the fact that I was in fact utterly plain looking to my peers. Just like a PP said, your daughter’s peers may have very different standards of beauty, and I promise you that disconnect between home (and possibly other adults) and other children is not easy to deal with.

Sounds ridiculous but that’s how it was. So be careful how you talk about her/to her about this.

I had a friend at school who was beautiful and all the boys constantly wanted to be with her, she changed loads over the years and i wouldnt say beautiful any more ! Just treat her like a normal kid x