to assume that a teen is married to a middle aged man?

[Asianfemale]

My middle-aged white DH was in a large computer store getting his and my laptops repaired. Our mixed race (but looking more Asian than white) teenage DD came with him for company. DH mentioned that one of the laptops belonged to his wife. Without skipping a bit the engineer asked DD to describe what was wrong with her computer assuming that she was the wife.
DD was really embarrassed and walked away. DH says it happened before and he is worried that she wouldn't want to be seen with him in the future.
Innocent mistake or WTF? Would that happen if DH was out with a white teenager? Has this happened to you? AIBU to be concerned?

[MyHolyWine]

Horrible for her, but not necessarily related to race I don’t think. I say that only because it used to happen to me when I was with my dad sometimes when I was a teenager and we’re both white. I always wanted to scream at people “he’s my dad sickos!” 🙈

[CatRamsey]

I got mistaken for my dad's wife once I was twelve!! In all fairness I looked a lot older and I think I was stood a bit further back so the person just saw what looked like an adult and made an assumption.

[BenoneBeauty]

Me too @CatRamsey - I remember being mortified! My dad and I are both white too.

[SmokedDuck]

@Jetsthebestgladiator

OP who is being judgemental now. Age gap relationships do not equal paedophilia!

Yeah, I kind of am getting this vibe too.

I think when this happens - and it is really really common - it feels gross to you because this person is your blood relation. That's the main origin of the ick factor. But no one else knows that. They just see what looks like an age gap relationship. Even when the younger person is a teen, usually they are reading them as being older so that isn't an ick factor for them either.

Part of the reason people in shops etc may be inclined to think it might be romantic is because they see more age gap relationships than some people realise.

[BritWifeinUSA]

People in customer-facing roles are trained not to assume anything and that all combinations are possible. My parents were in their teens when I was born. I used to ride on the back of my dad’s motorbike when I was a teenager and people assumed he was my boyfriend. I have a niece on my husband’s side who is older than me. My first husband was white but his brother and sister (whom his parents adopted from Africa) were black. My brother is only 14 years older than his adopted son (he married the child’s mother who was 12 years older than him and adopted her children). It has absolutely nothing to do with race. People are looking for something that’s not there.

[melj1213]

People in customer-facing roles are trained not to assume anything and that all combinations are possible.

Not just customer facing roles either - pretty much anyone who deals with children (teachers/medical staff etc) will generally try to clarify what relation any adult is to a child, mostly for safeguarding reasons (making sure you're releasing the right child to the right adult etc) but also to avoid the embarrassing mistake of saying the wrong thing.

I used to live abroad and worked as an English teacher. I always asked the child to tell me who their adult was so that I wouldn't mistake a parent for grandparent, or sibling for a parent etc. It definitely saved me some embarrassment as there were times when I would have said the person collecting looked like the child's grandparent, only for them to tell me it was their dad; or thought the child looked a lot like the woman picking them up, only to be told she was their stepmum etc.

Its so much easier to clarify than assume, but often in retail it is often not appropriate to ask personal questions and so instead staff have to use context clues to try and gauage relationships.

[BoomBoomsCousin]

This happened to me when I was about 14. On a plane a woman assumed I was married to my dad. I'm white but it only happened the once and I suspect the woman was a nervous flyer and had been self-medicating because she did several things that were a bit off. I was mortified and I think I would have been really bothered if it had happened in other situations. So I have a lot of sympathy for your daughter.

My dad has since gone on to marry an Asian woman who is more than a decade younger than me. I know there are people here defending these as just "age gap" relationships, and thinking there shouldn't be an "ick" factor. But I disagree. I think there's an abuse of power in a lot of these relationships, despite the fact both parties are happy with them.

[Jetsthebestgladiator]

I get what you mean about the ick factor or power imbalance but I think people have forgotten paedophile is a legal term reserved for actual paedophilia - underage. It’s insulting to people in consensual/of age relationships and at the same time undermining the suffering of the victims of actual paedophilia. Whether we like it or not one is a crime and one is perfectly legal.

[SmokedDuck]

@BoomBoomsCousin

This happened to me when I was about 14. On a plane a woman assumed I was married to my dad. I'm white but it only happened the once and I suspect the woman was a nervous flyer and had been self-medicating because she did several things that were a bit off. I was mortified and I think I would have been really bothered if it had happened in other situations. So I have a lot of sympathy for your daughter.

My dad has since gone on to marry an Asian woman who is more than a decade younger than me. I know there are people here defending these as just "age gap" relationships, and thinking there shouldn't be an "ick" factor. But I disagree. I think there's an abuse of power in a lot of these relationships, despite the fact both parties are happy with them.

Not many relationships have a perfect balance of power, in terms of either external factors or internal ones. And yet people manage to have satisfying relationships without exploitation involved.

[BoomBoomsCousin]

@Jetsthebestgladiator I agree the use of "p(a)edophilia" is inaccurate and overuse may detract from appropriate responses to actual cases. Ephebophilia is more accurate but most people aren't familiar.

[Jetsthebestgladiator]

Well that’s if they only want relationships exclusively with teenagers. So not most age gap relationships either. I’ve been in relationships with a few different age groups. Not usually much younger but definitely a few a lot older. Not everything os to do with being a deviant.

[DuggyOnDown]

I went on holiday with my Dad (lived with him growing up) when I was 15 and someone asked him how he managed to get such a lovely young wife (they didn't know my age) blueghhh.

We are both white for reference

[Lantanacamara]

When dd was 12 her and dh went into the butchers, who assumed that she was his wife . There's a 35 year age gap and DH does not look particularly young. Thankfully dd found it very funny.

[HugeAckmansWife]

Perhaps the assistant was using his 'don't patronise the female by not including her' training and just assumed, given your DH had mentioned his wife.

[Sundances]

Perhaps the assistant was using his 'don't patronise the female by not including her' training and just assumed, given your DH had mentioned his wife.

AS above - probably this

[WiseOwlOne]

@BoomBoomsCousin i agree, there's a reason for the ick. How can a father feel paternal about his adult daughter if he is married to a woman born ten years after his daughter. I wouldnt be able to accept that from my father on an emotional level. Id feel like it was a statement he'd ch3cked out of being my father. Even if he denied it, the daughter in me would distance.

[BurbageBrook]

I’m white, 27 years younger than my dad, and it’s happened to me at least four times when we’re out together. So gross. But not necessarily an ethnicity thing.

[Chanjer]

I just think when it comes to mixed couples some people are too imaginative but others are not imaginative enough. People are very frequently visibly surprised that me and my other half are a couple. It could just be because she's beautiful though

I don't know if imaginative is the right word but what I mean is it seems to catch people out

[Grumpyoldpersonwithcats]

Many years ago when DW and I (both white) were in our late twenties, we went on holiday to Germany with friends and ended up one night in a cheap hotel on the Rhine. It had a dance band on that evening and a creepy old git leered at DW and asked me if he could dance with my daughter. DW is a year older than me .

[Hathertonhariden]

I was mistaken for my dad's girlfriend (both white) when I was 16 and helping out at an exhibition during the school holidays.

I think it is just down to a general perception that it's not unusual for men to go after young girls and that it's socially acceptable. Grim but true.

[Felifox]

My df was 5 years older than my dm but was taken for her df, my friend was 25 years younger than her dh so got taken for his dd. I've been taken for my df's granddaughter.

I can understand any teenager being taken for her df's wife as being upsetting, poor girl it's so embarrassing. But perhaps get dh to make it clear casually that she's his dd. It's definitely not a race thing.

[brogo]

My cousin was bought up solely by her dad (both white) once she became a teen everyone assumed she was his girlfriend , it was even worse when she became a teen mum and they were always out together looking like a family. She hated it 🤣

[SVRT19674]

Years ago in my early 20s I went out to lunch with my aunt and uncle (she is my dad´s sister). She went to the rest room and some people walked in who knew my uncle but not me ( I live across the country) and instantly assumed he was with his OW. He was about late 50s. When he went to say hello even I noticed the weird looks. Then my aunt walks in and is was all "oh svrt'sauntie, we hadn´t seen you". Idiots, my uncle was mortified.
I have also been considered my brother´s and my brother in law´s girlfriend. We are all white.

[AnneElliott]

Probably an innocent mistake. A car salesman once addressed me as FILs wife (I had driven him there to collect the car) despite the fact that I was 19 and FIl was at least 60!

Not sure who was more embarrassed to be honest.

[CounsellorTroi]

My DH has been mistaken for my dad. He was also once mistaken for my late MIL’s husband when he visited her in hospital. He was not pleased about that!