to assume that a teen is married to a middle aged man?

[Asianfemale]

My middle-aged white DH was in a large computer store getting his and my laptops repaired. Our mixed race (but looking more Asian than white) teenage DD came with him for company. DH mentioned that one of the laptops belonged to his wife. Without skipping a bit the engineer asked DD to describe what was wrong with her computer assuming that she was the wife.
DD was really embarrassed and walked away. DH says it happened before and he is worried that she wouldn't want to be seen with him in the future.
Innocent mistake or WTF? Would that happen if DH was out with a white teenager? Has this happened to you? AIBU to be concerned?

[Mhc19]

I'm white and have also been referred to as Mr and Mrs when out with my dad. I was a young looking 20 yo, he was 58.

[HaveringWavering]

Oh for goodness sake OP. @Basicbitching was making the perfectly sensible point that it was more likely to be race-based if your daughter looks like a Thai or Chinese woman as those are the Asian countries that Mail order brides tend to come from. People don’t tend to assume that Indian, Bangladeshi or Pakistani women are Mail order brides for middle aged white men in the same way. So if you and your daughter look Thai or Chinese then that makes it more likely that race was a factor. The question that you asked. So don’t get all snippy when people try to answer it!

Anyway it’s all moot as your daughter would have been wearing a mask so the chap in the shop would have had very little way of knowing what age she was, he was right to assume that the woman was there to talk about the laptop because what idiot would go out on a jolly to a shop during Covid, and he was entirely correct in his assumption that he was married to an Asian woman, just not the one he was with!

[Asianfemale]

@Osirus

To those who ask what it has to do with being Asian, unfortunately, when you are not white and something strange happens, more often that not it is to do with your race.

This is so sad and absolutely shouldn’t be the case.

Thank you for your kind words @Osirus

[LadyHedgehog]

Happened to me and my dad when I was late teens. A bit embarrassing but it was in French so I took a while to cotton on, by which time the moment for severe embarrassment had passed! We're both white.

[Ponoka7]

A lot of WOC look a lot younger than they are. So it might not be the case of him thinking your DH likes young Asian women, but that she's older than she appears. He might have done his best, he addressed the questions to her, rather than continuing to speak to him. But of course he should have asked if she was his wife, but then that could be picked up on. Not everyone communicates to the same level.

[110APiccadilly]

It's happened to me - I'm white, so is my dad.

(I also used to be mistaken for my younger brother's mum as a teenager, which I always found mortifying!)

[Asianfemale]

@Ponoka7

A lot of WOC look a lot younger than they are. So it might not be the case of him thinking your DH likes young Asian women, but that she's older than she appears. He might have done his best, he addressed the questions to her, rather than continuing to speak to him. But of course he should have asked if she was his wife, but then that could be picked up on. Not everyone communicates to the same level.

Frankly, this is how we read the situation at the end. We thought that he must have felt strongly about letting the woman speak for herself rather than continuing with the 'husband'.

There is an overwhelming number of examples here that suggest same thing happening to white families too. Still wrong, but strangely reassuring...

People need to learn to think and be considerate...

[SeasonFinale]

I think you are reading too much in to it. In this day and age there is more tolerance to all sorts of relationships including larger age gap relationships.

[SeasonFinale]

Surely the sales assistant was being considerate by assuming that she may have been a younger wife and not being judgmental about a big age gap.

[Justheretopostaboutadhdingirls]

Ha this used to happen to me and my white dad (am also Asian). We used to live in Thailand though, so there were actually lots of 'couples' that looked like us.

Hasn't really happened to us in UK. Though I've had white boyfriends and their family or acquaintances have made jokes about me being a mail order bride, which is fun (not).

[Asianfemale]

@SeasonFinale

I think you are reading too much in to it. In this day and age there is more tolerance to all sorts of relationships including larger age gap relationships.

I wish there was less tolerance for paedophile predators. By being 'tolerant' society is normalising this behaviour.

And no, she does not look older. In fact, she looks like a child. She is a child.

[poppycat10]

When I was 15 someone asked if I was my cousin's wife (he was 29 at the time). We are both white and actually look slightly alike too.

I hope it wasn't mail order wife syndrome OP but it might have been. But as others have shown, it can happen to anyone.

[Basicbitching]

@Asianfemale where am I correcting pr questioniny how you refer to yourself??? I'm simply stating that depending on where we are from we may be assuming different things.
You could self identify as anything the hell you want.
And I'm not the one limiting to two categories its you! Referring to Asian when that includes many different races.

I'm mixed race half white half 'asian' which is why I was asking you not to be so vague When you're the one bringing race into in the first place!

[SmokedDuck]

I had a friend who was mistaken, as a young teen, for the lesbian partner of her mother. Weird as they looked alike and the ages were not hard to discern, from my perspective.

That being said, people use a lot of different visual clues to figure out the relationship between people. What they look like, how they act and sound, their ages, etc. It's true that people who look to be from different races can be related and often are, but it's also possible for people of different ages to be in a romantic relationship. So people weigh the probabilities, often without doing so consciously.

May-December relationships often get mistaken for parent-child couples, so it goes both ways. When I was younger I dated a significantly older man for a while, you could see people trying to decide which way to jump when talking to us.

Some people are also really poor at figuring out how old other people are, I find this is more often true of younger people.

[FrankskinnerscRoc]

When I moved to a new place one woman had a husband half her age. I assumed he was her son & almost called him that when talking to her, luckily something told me not to.

Then my neighbour told me of another older woman with the really good looking toy boy, which was actually her son.

It's difficult to judge seeing as there are so many younger women with older men, & so many mature women with toy boys. We must never assume anything.

[thatwasme22]

Some 15-16 year olds look mid 20s and likewise men/women in 50s can look 40s so it's not a massive stretch.

[LAgeDeRaisin]

I think it's an innocent mistake. I am white and 31 years younger than my dad and have been mistaken for partner.

You've been vague about age which is crucial- I'm assuming she is an older teenager and not 13.

If she was wearing a mask and so was your DH, the sales assistant probably just registered female and her vague height and assumed she was the wife as your DH just mentioned his wife.

Honestly I think writing in is a bit of an overreaction.

[LaceyBetty]

Used to happen to me and my DF when I was a teen. We are both white.

[melj1213]

Tbh it comes across as an honest mistake and making a bigger deal about it than just being momentarily embarrassed is unnecessary.

Two people come into a repair shop together, one male and one female, the shop assistant asks a question about one of the computers and is told by the male that the computer belongs to his wife. It is not unreasonable to think that the female accompanying him is said wife. Especially since both should have been wearing masks (making age determination etc more difficult) and everyone is encouraged to shop alone unless necessary (eg if both halves of a couple have computer issues and both need to be there to explain the issues they are having)

[moolady1977]

It's happened to me and my stepdad when I was buying a carpet I decided which one and said 'yes I'll go for that one' and the bloke in the shop asked if I should run it past my husband first ,my step dad burst out laughing and my dd12 said ' that's not my dad he's my grandad' the bloke couldn't apologize enough and I got a discount on the carpet . I think it's just he presumed your DD was his wife because she was with him nothing else

[StapMe]

My Dad is 27 years older than me. Some years ago when I was early 30s and out with him with my 2 young kids in tow, a salesman took us for man and wife. We couldn't be bothered to correct him. When it was mentioned to my Mum, she fell about laughing and said that it must have made my Dad's day, and we should have pushed for a bargain with such a dozy salesman as that! On another occasion, I was out with my mother and my daughter, my daughter was about 12, me about 39, Mum around 63, someone remarked upon the family similarity, and asked were we sisters! So either my parents were wearing very well indeed......or I wasn't!

[Jetsthebestgladiator]

OP who is being judgemental now. Age gap relationships do not equal paedophilia!

[MNWorldisCrazy]

Oh for goodness sake! What on earth does race have to do with it?!

[MNWorldisCrazy]

@Asianfemale

Thank you RatsolutelyFabulous Tinydinosaur RosieGuacamosie HarryLimeFoxtrot Lilao whatswithtodaytoday
It is creepy regardless of race, but in a strange way reassuring to know that this could happen with white women too.
To those who ask what it has to do with being Asian, unfortunately, when you are not white and something strange happens, more often that not it is to do with your race.

unfortunately, when you are not white and something strange happens, more often that not it is to do with your race.

Who is making sweeping assumptions now?!

I'm sorry but this kind of statement is what is wrong with the world!

[LolaSmiles]

I wish there was less tolerance for paedophile predators. By being 'tolerant' society is normalising this behaviour
Age gap relationships aren't tolerating paedophile predators.

I teach secondary school students and have at times lived close to school. Having bumped into students out of school I've had several times where students I know who are in Year 10&11 easily look 18/19. If someone saw them in another context and mistook them for a young adult it would not have been unreasonable (though within 5 minutes of conversation their immaturity would show).

If someone mistakes a teen for a young adult and draws a wrong conclusion that's not normalising paedophilia. It's misjudging someone's age.