Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 ··· 10 11

AIBU?

to assume that a teen is married to a middle aged man?

251 replies

Asianfemale · 28/03/2021 21:32

My middle-aged white DH was in a large computer store getting his and my laptops repaired. Our mixed race (but looking more Asian than white) teenage DD came with him for company. DH mentioned that one of the laptops belonged to his wife. Without skipping a bit the engineer asked DD to describe what was wrong with her computer assuming that she was the wife.
DD was really embarrassed and walked away. DH says it happened before and he is worried that she wouldn't want to be seen with him in the future.
Innocent mistake or WTF? Would that happen if DH was out with a white teenager? Has this happened to you? AIBU to be concerned?

OP posts:

Thanks

Share

Report

Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

Asianfemale · 28/03/2021 23:14

@FiddlefigOnTheRoof

While it was probably an innocent mistake, given masks, the fact he’s discussing wife’s computer etc, please do NOT feel that you are over thinking race issues.

As an East Asian woman in a mixed marriage with mixed race children, lots of behaviours I see towards us definitely have a race-input. Being sensitive and alert to these issues is protecting myself, my children and our family. It allows me to discuss things carefully with my mixed race children who will face completely different forms of racism to me. It isn’t ‘over thinking’ things to think carefully about them, even if you come to the conclusion that it wasn’t race-related.

Thank you. While I am leaning towards "innocent mistake", I agree that the connotations and effect this had on my DD are very different to similar situations happening to white families.

As a mixed race teenager my daughter has already been subjected to stereotyping, objectification and race-based harassment. So yes, we do tend to be more alert and protective of her. And it is so much harder to shrug the situation off and laugh it out.

And to those who ask 'what does it have to do with race?' I suggest reading this week's headlines, both from across the Atlantic and here in the UK.

OP posts:

Thanks

Shamoo · 28/03/2021 23:14

Somebody once thought I was my dad’s wife when I was 15. He is over 30 years older than me. I was so grossed out 😂 - we are both white, and are the least tactile people I know so we definitely weren’t giving off weird vibes!

Thanks

Asianfemale · 28/03/2021 23:20

@Shamoo

Somebody once thought I was my dad’s wife when I was 15. He is over 30 years older than me. I was so grossed out 😂 - we are both white, and are the least tactile people I know so we definitely weren’t giving off weird vibes!

I hate how you and one of the pp feel like you have to justify yourselves by saying that you didn't give off weird vibes or 'acted normally'. Of course you didn't! You were with your dads! I think it is sick that people so easily assume that a 15 y.o. could be married to someone 30 years her senior. And no, it is not nearly as offensive when a wife is referred to as 'daughter' - either there is an age gap and the couple should be used to it or the wife looks younger, which she might take as a compliment.

OP posts:

Thanks

daisyjgrey · 28/03/2021 23:26

My partner has occasionally been mistaken for his mother's partner, which creeps him out no end. However they are both white. I can only imagine that with the added complications of race that you've included, it must be next level annoying and weird.

Thanks

HaveringWavering · 28/03/2021 23:31

It’s really not on to go shopping with anyone at the moment “for the company”.

Thanks

Serin · 28/03/2021 23:31

My friends Dad took her to New York for an 18th birthday treat (her mother died when she was small). She was mistaken for his wife at every stage of the journey. The worst bit was checking into the hotel....the staff "kindly" upgraded them to a honeymoon suite instead of a family suite with 2 adjoining rooms.

Thanks

Yellownotblue · 28/03/2021 23:37

I was once mistaken for DH’s mum. I’m so white I’m translucent, and DH is Asian and reasonably dark (in a ‘definitely not mixed race’ way). He’s also older than me!

Shop clerks are just silly. Don’t give it any more thought.

Thanks

m0therofdragons · 28/03/2021 23:37

I had the opposite of this when I worked in a pub (friendly local) and a guy aged 70 ish came in with a very young looking Asian female. Luckily the landlord saw the panic on my face as I tried to decide whether to ID her and jumped in to introduce John’s new wife (he’d met in Thailand). I never found out how old she was but must have been early 20s if that. I felt really uncomfortable but at there same time only ever saw them speak kindly to each other so maybe I shouldn’t be so judgmental. That said, I think some people are rubbish at judging ages.

Thanks

ikeepseeingit · 28/03/2021 23:41

I got mistaken for my dads' wife when I was around 20! My dad is 36 years older than me for reference, and I looked young for my age ( got ID'd for paracetamol which is 16+). So, while it's a very odd experience, it does seem fairly common. We're both white btw, I don't know if that helps with it though 🤣

Thanks

Mamanyt · 28/03/2021 23:42

Oh, she'll get over it. I'm white, both my children are white, and I was mistaken for my SON'S WIFE! Now, that was a bit embarrassing for us both, but we survived. I look young for my age, but NOT THAT YOUNG!

Thanks

Basicbitching · 28/03/2021 23:43

By asian do you mean South Asian or East Asian? Because I know people do assume things when seeing an East Asian woman with an older white man but I've not seen it happen to South Asians.

Thanks

Iflyaway · 28/03/2021 23:44

I'm a mum of a mixed-race child.

You just have to roll your eyes really at crap people throw your way.
And find your tribe. Lots of us around!

Who says they are right

They're just stuck in their own head. Angry and frustrated.

I don't give a shit about people like that....

Thanks

SarahAndQuack · 28/03/2021 23:45

It absolutely could be that racist dynamic, and if your gut feeling is something was 'off' then chances are, it was.

But I would say, it's amazing how much people see what they expect rather than what's in front of them. Your DH said he needed a laptop repairing for his wife; the engineer saw the nearest human body and assumed that was the wife in question. It could be they took time to look properly and notice she was a child and made a racist assumption. But it could also be they just didn't look, and that's something people often do. I cannot count the number of times I will say 'my partner's had this issue' and someone will look at DP and say 'so, your husband's issue is ...'. Or I'll say my partner is over there with my daughter, and they'll say 'I'd love to meet your husband'. One time when my partner was breastfeeding DD, we still got this.

I don't see any issue with complaining, though. They got it wrong. It embarrassed your DD. It wasn't necessary. Maybe if you complain, another time someone will think a tiny bit harder and this won't happen.

Thanks

LoisWilkersonslastnerve · 28/03/2021 23:45

Shop clerks are just silly. Don’t give it any more thought

All shop clerks?

Thanks

SleepingStandingUp · 28/03/2021 23:45

I went on holiday with my Dad when I was 17. I looked at most my own age, Dad was mid 40s. We got so many funny looks, esp from the German families (perhaps the English ones could tell from our convo we were father and daughter) that I took to loudly saying Dad a lot.

People are weird.

Thanks

wonderstuff · 28/03/2021 23:47

I'm white and been mistaken for my father's wife when out with him, not as a teen but in early 20s. Weird as.

Thanks

Asianfemale · 28/03/2021 23:49

@Basicbitching

By asian do you mean South Asian or East Asian? Because I know people do assume things when seeing an East Asian woman with an older white man but I've not seen it happen to South Asians.

I don't see how this is relevant here.

OP posts:

Thanks

FaceyRomford · 29/03/2021 00:05

It has happened to my daughter and me on a number of occasions. There's 31 years between us. Both white.

Thanks

Asianfemale · 29/03/2021 00:06

@SarahAndQuack

It absolutely could be that racist dynamic, and if your gut feeling is something was 'off' then chances are, it was.

But I would say, it's amazing how much people see what they expect rather than what's in front of them. Your DH said he needed a laptop repairing for his wife; the engineer saw the nearest human body and assumed that was the wife in question. It could be they took time to look properly and notice she was a child and made a racist assumption. But it could also be they just didn't look, and that's something people often do. I cannot count the number of times I will say 'my partner's had this issue' and someone will look at DP and say 'so, your husband's issue is ...'. Or I'll say my partner is over there with my daughter, and they'll say 'I'd love to meet your husband'. One time when my partner was breastfeeding DD, we still got this.

I don't see any issue with complaining, though. They got it wrong. It embarrassed your DD. It wasn't necessary. Maybe if you complain, another time someone will think a tiny bit harder and this won't happen.

I think I might write to them, not in a complaining way, but giving them a benefit of doubt and urging them to update their D&I training so these kind of assumptions are not made in the future.

It must be very annoying to you and your partner. Why do people assume and jump to conclusions is beyond me.

OP posts:

Thanks

BungleandGeorge · 29/03/2021 00:18

It’s happened to me too, and in a negative way with tuts and stares (until my mother turned up!). I suspect it’s happened to the majority. Many people have relationships with a 20 year age gap so if he was polite I can’t really see the harm done. If I’m with kids people presume they’re mine as well, it’s just human nature

Thanks

PeggyHill · 29/03/2021 00:37

Basicbitching

"By asian do you mean South Asian or East Asian? Because I know people do assume things when seeing an East Asian woman with an older white man but I've not seen it happen to South Asians."

I don't see how this is relevant here.

Huh? Your entire thread is based on trying to figure out if this has happened because of race. Why on earth are you now saying that the specific race isn't relevant? That's so strange. Asia is bloody massive and it's actually not helpful at all to just say "Asian" when trying to determine whether or not someone was being racist.

Thanks

VienneseWhirligig · 29/03/2021 00:51

I was mistaken for DH's daughter in America, and couldn't get a beer - I was in my 30s, with an 11 yo DS with us, and had not even imagined I would be asked for ID. The waiter wouldn't believe that I was DS's mum and DH's wife (DH was older than me but even so...).

DS got asked for ID in Waitrose today when I was buying gin but he was bagging the shopping. The assistant turned to me after he presented his driving licence and asked if I had ID, then did a double take and passed the "clearly over 25" button

Thanks

Emeraldshamrock · 29/03/2021 00:51

It is difficult in retail making the right call speaking to a customer, you shouldn't make any assumptions but it happens.
My Dsis husband was mistaken for her Dad they walked off the forecourt.
It was more than likely race that confused him as I have seen older white men with young Asian women.
It might be true love for her? It makes me quesy they're usually overweight and taking advantage.

Thanks

CandyLeBonBon · 29/03/2021 00:57

@Basicbitching

By asian do you mean South Asian or East Asian? Because I know people do assume things when seeing an East Asian woman with an older white man but I've not seen it happen to South Asians.

What about southeast Asians?

I'm guessing the assumption was that OPs dd was her DH's Thai bride?

Thanks

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 29/03/2021 00:57

My brother in law almost started a bar brawl in America when others in the bar decided my sister who he'd kissed was a young girl.

She was about 25 at the time and they'd been married a few years by then! She did look young for her age but not particularly childlike.

People can be thick. And it's an easy mistake to make as your husband was referring to his wife.......... Especially as they were both wearing masks.

Thanks

Flip

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 ··· 10 11

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.