Shy and introverted mistaken for standoffish and unfriendly, anyone else?

[Ninawest100]

I think I'm kind and polite, I smile and try to ask people questions about themselves.
However I wouldn't say I'm massively sociable and it probably comes off as unfriendly.
I work in a small team, I'm polite with everybody and ask some questions such as how was your weekend. However I try to keep a certain distance and I'm not 'friends' with them. I just feel like you have to be careful sometimes in work situations.
I was in a mixed gender team before and now and all-female one. I feel like I don't really 'fit' for some reason.
A former colleague of mine was texting my current colleague asking how it was going here. She mentioned the names of 'lovely' staff which was everyone bar me and our boss. It shouldn't matter what she thinks, just seems a bit harsh to mention everyone apart from me.

Outside of work, I've never felt that popular. I see people who are getting birthdays doorstep deliveries in lockdown from various friends, massive tributes on social media, but I know I would never get anything like that.

I like to meet people a few times in a group setting and get to know them a bit more, I think it takes time to really become friends with somebody. However I know people who have invited somebody they met the same day to have tea at their house or gone travelling with somebody they've known for a week, and just seemed to really click and hit it off.
People who go to hostels and make 20 lifelong friends there.
It shouldn't matter that I'm not like this, I don't know why I am bothered. I've never been described as friendly by anyone or sociable. I would like more friends and close connections, I'm just more reserved and not an open book right away. Does anybody else feel like this ?

@Ninawest100 - I’m similar, I’ve never been one of those people who attracts big “girl gangs” or instantly makes friends with half the room. I do have a few friends and certainly lots of “acquaintances” but I’m always jealous of those women who seem to have a huge girl gang to hang out with or seem to collect friends (and keep them) wherever they go. I never get tagged in those stupid things you see on Facebook. I know that as a grown women with children that this sort of thing shouldn’t bother me but I sometimes wonder where I have gone wrong. I do think long term, deeper friendships take a LOT of maintenance and maybe I haven’t put that time in.
If it makes you feel any better I do think there are more people like us than you’d think. Social media is NOT a good reflection of people’s true lives. In fact I always find that the people who are constantly on there showing off about their fabulous social life or relationships have often got the most negative drama in their lives.

I am the same, OP. People have even told me they find me standoffish... or that they didn't like me when they first met me. I often feel like an alien from another planet that can't pass for a human properly.

Thanks for your reply, it makes me feel better.
I don't feel like I need lots of friends, I really don't know why I care.
I've been dumped a couple of times for those girls who are 'soo friendly', know 60 people in different countries and can be best friends on someone from couchsurfing within 2 days.

I don't mind having either male or female friends, but I've never fit into 'girl gangs' as such.

Hopefully there are more of us than I think.

Social media is a red herring indeed. Last year for my birthday I got 3 cards, 2 were from family and one from a friend. I know I'd never get those gushing tributes like I said but I should learn to not care.

And who cares what men are attracted to. I need to live my life for me and as long as I'm polite and professional, people can't say anything about that I guess.

Xenobitch sorry to hear that. Why did they not like you?
I've had it too. I've always had trouble with female bosses at work (not making generalisations, just my own experience) they just don't take to me at all.
A lot of us are just more quiet and reserved, i wish more people would be accepting of that though I guess sadly it will continue to be seen as rude sometimes.

Yanbu OP, I was called 'aloof' by my ex-boss who was American and seemed to think that gave him the right to my family & friends.

I prefer to get to know someone first. I'm always polite and professional but that's enough to begin with. I feel uncomfortable with loud pushy people so I tend to retreat to a safe distance and avoid them.

The people who have known me for a long time know I don't like social media, I don't feel the need to share every last thing, but I also don"'t gossip, I don't betray a confidence, and they only have to ask if they need help. I'm happy with me.

You sound completely sane and normal to me

I have never fitted into girl groups, or any group, really. I am quite opinionated and like to have a robust debate, not just a fluffy chat about who’s hot on tele. I have made a few close friends along the way, who are all a bit like me, but I was completely ostracised by lots of girls at school, my NCT group and am always worried about putting my foot in it around people.

DS1 has an ASD1 (Asperger’s)/ADHD diagnosis, so I strongly suspect I’m neurodiverse.

It’s hard to find your tribe. And if you do, after a few years things change and people move house / drift anyway. I suspect it’s easier for people who are have popular interests like pub/football, I dunno.

I have this too OP. I usually don’t quite fit in. A typical scenario would be that I meet a group of people (say nct mums, or a new club), and we’re all strangers, we go out a few times and get on great, then suddenly I find they’ve all babysitting for each other and holidaying together and I’m not really part of the group just someone they vaguley know. It stings, but I’ve come to accept that I have less common interests and it’s more rare for me to ‘click with’ people. That doesn’t make it their fault, and I’m not exactly shy or distant, there just aren’t many people local to me that I click with. In a room of conservatives I’ll be the green voter, in a room of green voters I’ll be the uncool one who isn’t alternative enough, in a room full of accountants I’m the zany creative one but a roomful of creatives would find me dull and materialistic 🤣🤷‍♀️

Oh well! I have a few close friends but guess I’ll never have a gang.

I'm the same. I'm not very sociable even though I try. My sister can make friends anywhere she goes but I've always struggled. I'm often mistaken for a stuck up bitch when actually I'm just shy.

I've been at my job 5 years now and get on well with everyone but it took a couple of years to really feel part of the gang. One of my colleagues recently told me that she thought I was very standoffish when she first met me but likes me now.

You're not alone OP

Yep. I've been called a snob, "Ice Queen" and stand-offish, all because I'm introverted. I even lost a job because of it! I was a teenager and they wanted their waitresses to be all faux-friendly with the customers.

Yep, I'm the same.

I have ASD and I've always, always struggled with fitting in and making friends. I'm now self-employed and work with animals and I'm much, much happier!

This is me. I wouldn't give my number to someone after meeting them the first time. I was friendly when meeting my dh's cousins for the first time and I am happy to see them now and again. I don't feel the need to have their numbers and contact them. I have good friends that I trust and am there for and vice versa. I don't post on social media much as dh and I have a rule about keeping pictures of the kids off it until they are old enough to start using it themselves. I am on regular contact with friends and family.

I think society has just moved to a space where we are expected to in my opinion overshare. People will share what they are eating, what they are doing etc. as a way of connecting with people. I don't do this, mainly because I am private and just don't feel the need. I am lucky that people seem to like me based off first impressions but not many get to know me on a deeper level.

Yes but I find people assume Im a snob because Im English (not living in uk).

Thanks for all the replies, it's nice to see there are others who feel the same way.

I meant should be careful in the sense that sometimes you should watch what you say to collesgues, even if they are friendly, as you never know how that could be used against you.

With regard to the birthday stuff I was more referring to friends outside of work.

I didn't get a job at a pub for the same reason, as I wasn't outgoing enough. Though I understand it's important to have such bar staff.

I'm 30 now and need to start living life on my terms.
Who cares if a colleague doesn't really like me, even if I've always been polite?

I shouldn't care about the fact that I'm not one of those people everybody gushes over.

I probably won't have 20 people over at my place for dinner.

I need to know that it's fine to just be average, to not be popular and charismatic and outgoing. We aren't unattractive or less worthy just because we aren't those things.

@Skysblue

It’s hard to find your tribe. And if you do, after a few years things change and people move house / drift anyway. I suspect it’s easier for people who are have popular interests like pub/football, I dunno.

I have this too OP. I usually don’t quite fit in. A typical scenario would be that I meet a group of people (say nct mums, or a new club), and we’re all strangers, we go out a few times and get on great, then suddenly I find they’ve all babysitting for each other and holidaying together and I’m not really part of the group just someone they vaguley know. It stings, but I’ve come to accept that I have less common interests and it’s more rare for me to ‘click with’ people. That doesn’t make it their fault, and I’m not exactly shy or distant, there just aren’t many people local to me that I click with. In a room of conservatives I’ll be the green voter, in a room of green voters I’ll be the uncool one who isn’t alternative enough, in a room full of accountants I’m the zany creative one but a roomful of creatives would find me dull and materialistic 🤣🤷‍♀️

Oh well! I have a few close friends but guess I’ll never have a gang.

Oh, thank you for making me feel better. You sound just like me!

I think I could have written your post. As PP have said there are more of us out there than you would think. I used to be quite popular, knew a lot of people when I was younger.l, about 11 years ago. That changed after I went through my heart surgery and vanished for a bit, people seemed to drift. I was also in an abusive relationship at the time which didn't help where I moved away from the old circle into a new one, losing many of them when I finally left.

I'd say now I can count on one hand the people I would call friends, three were ones who stuck by me during my stay illness and abusive relationship, and two others who have been solid good friends from the start five years ago.

To me that is ok because I prefer quality over quantity. The close friends I have I know I can depend on, and they me. I have other people I like and may chat too if I see them.

Others I like to keep my distance from till I can get to know them. I think this is normal. I don't seem to fit in with the parent crowd at DSs school, some mums have spoken to me and broached the idea of a play date. I've been polite and friendly I think, said or done nothing wrong. But a few refused to talk to me after that aside from basic hellos.
I wondered if it was me but came to the conclusion it's really them as they couldn't get to know anything about me from a five minute chat. It might be anything, I just might not "fit", and that's ok to because I don't feel insecure enough to change who I am in order to "fit." Some woman are just like this sadly and have never grown up past age 13.

I also agree with keeping work and social lives seperate. Some people just don't gel, and it's nothing bad just not one of those things. Unfortunately in the age of social media, perception is reality. Which is sad, but there you go. I never was one to keep up with the fads....

"I am quite opinionated and like to have a robust debate, not just a fluffy chat about who’s hot on tele."

Why is women's light conversations always described as fluffy? We don't do the same to men who are chatting about even more inane stuff.

I have ASD so it puzzles me what I do wrong and how other people do it, but then I wouldn't want lots of friends. I need my space. I also struggle with small talk, but love a bit of debate.

@Ponoka7 I’m not being sexist, indeed I’m very gender critical and call out stereotypes constantly. However, I find many of my female colleagues/family prefer to stick to uncontroversial ‘light’ topics in order to ‘be kind’ and other ways of behaving that women are socialised into (and that I can’t stand).

The male equivalent would be sport, I guess.

I'm the same. I have a lot of asd traits. It normally takes a few years of being in close daily contact with someone (eg sitting next to them at work) before we become friends and even then I don't usually socialise much outside work events etc. I've been described as cold and grumpy. I'm not (I'm not one of these who dressed up offensive statements as 'telling it like it is') I'm just rubbish at small talk and pleasantries and worried about saying the wrong thing so I don't say much. I am also really really bad at hiding when I don't like someone, to the point where people have said to me at work 'you don't like me do you'.

I find it a lot easier when I'm drunk as that level of worrying about what I'm saying goes away. And I find it easier with men as, maybe it's my perception, but I feel I can be a bit more blunt or direct without them taking offense (in tests I always come out as having a 'Male brain' and I find the taking-the-piss type relationship which I am more comfortable with, easier with men than women.)

I find one to one much easier than groups, in groups I find it difficult to know what to say when, so things like nct are often difficult for me, I only made a friend there when two of us were off again with our second and we met up just the two of us and discovered we actually had some things in common, but again I think we only became 'friends' after I'd known her and met up with her for a few years, before that I know I was something to help her pass the time.

Saying that, I have in the last few years made peace with the way that I am. I am not fake, I rarely have drama with any of my friends, because they are genuine friends, I don't get used, because people don't want to ask me for things, and although I only have a handful of friends, once I've made a friend, they tend to be a friend for a long time so I think I'm quite loyal. Those people who seem to have a million friends they make easily are in my opinion often the ones that seem to bitch about each other behind each others backs, fall out or have other drama going on. I sometimes think it would be nice to go out in a big gang but in reality I think I'd find it exhausting. I read a lot of threads on here about people being taken advantage of or falling out with friends etc and think I'm lucky none of that has ever happened to me. I'm also happy in my own company. Which has been useful recently!

I have known a fair few "alpha social magnate" type women over the years. It has on various occasions transpired that the set up isn't as jolly as they make it seem. Many of the "gang" are there because the "friendship" is mutually beneficial and lots of these folks worry about who their true friends are. You may not be missing as much as you think.

I think I'm kind and polite, I smile and try to ask people questions about themselves.

Do you ask these questions in a rote way because you feel you are expected to ask rather than being genuinely interested in them and their answers. People will pick up the difference.

I work in a small team, I'm polite with everybody and ask some questions such as how was your weekend. However I try to keep a certain distance and I'm not 'friends' with them. I just feel like you have to be careful sometimes in work situations.

Are you just polite or coldly civil? Again, do you show by your facial expressions, body language, tone of voice and reaction to their replies that you are asking because you are genuinely interested or just going through the motions?

People will pick up the vibes you are giving off I'm doing this because I have to/it's expected of me, not because I want to.

There is more to social interaction than just being polite.

I’m a member of the aloof club too 🙋🏼‍♀️!

I am always polite, maybe not always friendly. I also have a very good poker face and dress quite conservative and in dark colors with neatly styled hair, minimal accessories and makeup, plus apparently I have a ‘fuck off’ aura. I don’t think I would find myself approachable either if I were someone else.

But you know what ? I don’t care (not anymore). I’m naturally a reserved and private person that doesn’t like to be an open book to strangers and I don’t trust others easily. I like to take my time to get to know you before I start sharing personal things with you. But, when we’re friends, you’re practically family and you can call me at 3 in the morning to cry about your ex that you broke up with 3 years ago and I’ll be there to listen.

I’m also a Virgo, apparently it’s part of my sign’s personality traits to be like this.
Any other Virgo’s recognize this?

OP you’ll feel less bothered about this as you get a older, I promise. I’m just over 40 and it definitely bothers me far less now. I can imagine that ten years from now I won’t give a crap.

I haven’t ever fit in to the ‘gang’. Floated around from group to group when j was younger never really fitting in. Got on welll with everyone in my three main jobs ( or so I thought) but they would not invite me to join in. I put miney into everyone’s baby/ wedding/ leaving gifts but was always forgotten for some reason. I’ve never fit in. No one gushed over any of my fb posts or anything. I came to the conclusion that fb is full of boasters and fib tellers! And reading some of the outlandish things people would put their name to. I just quit all together. Total waste of time. I have no friends. Not one. I have my dh ( who is obv a friend) and my dc. I must give off bad vibes All the places we have lived the neighbours have taken massive dislikes to me. ( have said as much / have been overheard/ have said to others). I’ve never knocked on someone’s door to complain, I’ve never had a fight or argument or disagreement with a neighbour, but it is clearly obvious that I am not well liked. Don’t know what my problem is.